Feeling a little depressed about work

[Cochonette]

Okay, so I am taking a year off school to work on myself because last semester was miserable and made me feel worthless. Over the summer I worked on campus with a super-easy job where I could read all day on the job. and I was progressing pretty well. Now I am working about the same amount of hours, probably a little more, at a different job (restaurant). I don't mind the job, but I can't spend ANY time at work reading, focusing on personal development, other than in social interactions with customers and co-workers and learning to cook and the like. Now I come home and just get online and waste time, and before I know it it's bedtime, and this process just starts over again. I get home and feel like I need time to unwind or switch back into study/PD mode, because that's very different from the very simple job I have.

The thing is, I'm slow. So slow. I am just slow at everything! I need a LOT of time to improve, to switch modes, etc... but right now I don't have that time, and there's no way I'm going to get it back. It's depressing thinking that I am going to spend my year off achieving nothing because I will just squander what little time I have because I am too slow to switch modes, too slow to learn, too slow and... god, I just think I will never achieve anything in this life. I am so slow that I can barely even get things done when I have the easiest job in the world, let alone a normal job. Why should I be ambitious if I suck this much? No amount of training/learning will ever make my brain work faster than it does. At this rate, there's no way I'm going to be ready for school next year.

How do you do it? How do you find time for PD when you have to work so much? I guess if you're just smarter and faster than I am, or already have a good base in self-discipline, which I don't. I feel like it's gonna take me 5-10 years just to get a strong sense of self-discipline, at this rate. That's ridiculous. I can't bare to take that long.

[VinceG]

PD is not something you do in your off time. It's something you do ALL the time, even while you work. Work, is in fact where I get all my best PD done!

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by VinceG

PD is not something you do in your off time. It's something you do ALL the time, even while you work. Work, is in fact where I get all my best PD done!

Frankly, I think that's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I am not going to learn how to be more organized and keep my apartment uncluttered, to write essays, to overcome perfectionism, etc. by sweeping the restaurant floor every day and making the same sandwiches all day every day.

[VinceG]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Frankly, I think that's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I am not going to learn how to be more organized and keep my apartment uncluttered, to write essays, to overcome perfectionism, etc. by sweeping the restaurant floor every day and making the same sandwiches all day every day.

Sure you can! Sweep mindfully. Feel every movement of the broom and watch the little grains of dust go everywhere.

When I was in the military, I got into some trouble and had to do ♥♥♥♥♥ work for awhile. One day I was out sweeping asphalt. I knew it was mindless, so I started to get into the flow of it. In, out, back, forth. It was a profound experience for me, and it stuck with me as one of the first times I really felt the "flow" experience doing something I didn't really care to be doing at that moment. By the time I was done, I was almost disappointed to be going home!

[Cochonette]

I'm really not sure how that's related?

[VinceG]

Related to what? Your goals of uncluttering your life and writing more?

The flow experience will be used your whole life, while you're learning, while you're writing, while you're working. Learning how to flow even when you're not technically feeling it in that moment is an unbelievably spiritual experience which will change the way you think about everything. You'll write while you're working. You'll unclutter while you're working. Even though you won't be actually physically doing it, you'll be doing it in your head. You'll be thinking of ideas, and the best ideas come while doing drudge work. I wish I had more of it in my life.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by VinceG

Related to what? Your goals of uncluttering your life and writing more?

The flow experience will be used your whole life, while you're learning, while you're writing, while you're working. Learning how to flow even when you're not technically feeling it in that moment is an unbelievably spiritual experience which will change the way you think about everything. You'll write while you're working. You'll unclutter while you're working. Even though you won't be actually physically doing it, you'll be doing it in your head. You'll be thinking of ideas, and the best ideas come while doing drudge work. I wish I had more of it in my life.

Okay, I guess that makes sense. But right now I am still trying to learn at work, so I can't just "flow" like I'm turning a mindless situation into a profitably mindful one toward very different topics. I have to focus on learning more recipes and just making sure I'm not screwing things up, as I tend to do. I've realized that now that my training period is over, everyone has lost their eagerness to teach me, so I now have to express my desire to learn constantly if I'm going to learn anything more at faster than a snail's pace. I dunno, maybe I should just accept learning at a snail's pace and focus on what's more important. Hell, why I am even so concerned about impressing my manager? I guess I just want to do something well for a change and not divide my mind into 20... but if I say that about this job, I am dividing up the rest of my life into tiny pieces.

It does matter, though, because where I work goes on my resume, and I don't intend to work here forever.

[VinceG]

I think the reason you think you're learning so slowly is because you're too attached to the conclusion. You want so hard to get somewhere else. Anywhere but here, in this restaurant, feeding these people. Doing cruddy labor so you can eat yourself.

You don't just flow while doing mindless tasks like sweeping. You flow while learning recipes, too. Instead of focusing on your snail's pace, focus on the task at hand. Don't try so hard. Try to work smoothly, gracefully. You can make anything graceful. Make what you do beautiful, even if it's beautiful only in your own head.

[Cochonette]

Now you've gone back to not making sense.

[VinceG]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Now you've gone back to not making sense.

Hmmm...

Have you ever felt really alive? As in, skip down the streets, happy? Where you felt the joy of pure movement? Maybe you were a kid, playing tag, reveling in the feel of your arms and legs moving, trying to make something happen with them?

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by VinceG

Hmmm...

Have you ever felt really alive? As in, skip down the streets, happy? Where you felt the joy of pure movement? Maybe you were a kid, playing tag, reveling in the feel of your arms and legs moving, trying to make something happen with them?

Certainly... and now I'm jaded.

[VinceG]

Well, as you get older, you can still feel that ever flowing joy of movement. You can start with something overt like yoga, and really relearn how to love movement that way. Then you start taking the spirit of your yoga sessions into the rest of your life. You don't live for yoga, yoga lives in you, you bring yoga to everything.

[Cochonette]

lol, okay. I do train a martial art and meditate regularly.

[VinceG]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

lol, okay. I do train a martial art and meditate regularly.

There ya go! Movement is a joy that is available anytime you're not sleeping. If you can learn to be very present, flowing, loving your movement, in all walks of life, you'll transform your job into a great source of inspiration.

[ENTP]

No offense, but it sounds like you've been spoiled. You're supposed to go to work to WORK...not to play around on the internet or "focus on self-development." Do your personal development on your personal time. If you don't have time, welcome to the club. (I'm only here on my 10 minute break)

Now you're in the real world.

[Hemlock]

Ha, I can get what he means though. School life to working life, I think the biggest shock for me has just been how much less time is about me. I mean hell, college was all about me, improving me, pouring mass amounts of money into making me better. Heh, and what now, I'm supposed to stop and work on things that don't increase my abilities in areas I care about?

Heh, I've put off grad school precisely so I can have the experience of helping others instead of myself, but it still feels wrong.

On a side note I get what Vince is saying. Maybe you should read the book Flow (if at some point you have the odd time), if not, the gist is that the happiest people and the ones doing the best work are the people who can achieve flow in their work and play. Flow is defined as "the mental state of operation in which a person in an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity." As my friend wiki puts it.

As someone who meditates you should have some practice in trying for a single focus. Use that experience to try to bring flow into your work. That can be the personal development you do there, probably more useful then reading self help books too.

I'm kind of in the same situation as you are, so wish me luck bringing some flow into my work teaching kids and I wish you the same luck with reaching flow in your restaurant. And thanks for bringing up this topic, helped get me some answers too.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by ENTP

No offense, but it sounds like you've been spoiled. You're supposed to go to work to WORK...not to play around on the internet or "focus on self-development." Do your personal development on your personal time. If you don't have time, welcome to the club. (I'm only here on my 10 minute break)

Now you're in the real world.

Give me a break. I am not contributing anything to the world by working in a restaurant, albeit a vegetarian one. I contribute more to the world by being "spoiled." And I guess Steve Pavlina doesn't live in "the real world" since he doesn't have a job and spends all his time focusing on personal development.

If you don't have time, welcome to the club.

No, thanks. You can keep your club to yourself.

[Medea33]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Give me a break. I am not contributing anything to the world by working in a restaurant, albeit a vegetarian one. I contribute more to the world by being "spoiled."

You're likely right that you aren't contributing anything to the world by working in a restaurant, even it is a vegetarian restaurant.

However, you could do quite a lot, if you wanted to, in that same restaurant. Being pleasant, helpful, kind and alert to the needs of others is not only a lovely discipline to practice, it adds value to the world. You could develop the skill of observation, putting it to use in a lot of ways, including speeding up how quickly you acquire new information. You could learn to do your work in flow, which feels amazing and a bit like flying, while the more creative parts of your brain sit in the back of your head and write a novel. You could find grace.

I spent my teens and twenties in a series of menial jobs, chosen because they allowed me the head space to be creative and free from the mental gymnastics of a traditional career. That was a huge gift, but the serendipitous gifts were even greater. I got to meet interesting people with stories I'd never have heard otherwise. I got to observe groups of people and extract lessons from the choices they made (which meant I didn't have to personally try on all those choices). I got to do all the things I suggested were possible for you. It was like a university course in personal development, actually.

You have huge opportunities for growth here. Waste them if you like, but be clear that it's a choice you're making, rather than one that's been foisted on you.

[Divajules]

How is working a "menial job" not contributing?

How long do you think it would take for the **** to pile up if the garbage men stopped doing their jobs?

I love eating out. Someone has to clean the tables, wait on the customers and do all the menial jobs associated with restaurant work. I, for one, am grateful to everyone who does those jobs so I can enjoy eating out.

The people in those jobs ARE contributors!

To the OP: Redefining your idea of contribution might serve you.

[SatvikBeri]

Ah...yes, I've been in a situation where I worked all day at a job I hate, and then couldn't get anything done when I got home. It's tough .

You still go to your martial arts classes, right? How are you able to maintain your motivation to keep attending those?

Is there any way you can pull that motivation to some other area of your life? I find that when you're busy, it really helps to establish *one* new habit per month, until you're doing that habit every day. In my experience I don't need motivation to do a habit-once it's programmed in my mind (so to speak) I follow up every day without much mental energy. This was the only way I could get anything done consistently when I was at a draining job.

[Ikkyo]

Close your eyes and listen to this, maybe you'll feel better

YouTube - Snatam Kaur - The Sun Shines On Everyone