I cannot motivate myself to do school (internal conflict)

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

No, not exclusively. Sometimes they do come up when the perspective that they would enforce has *some* good points, but I'm really not believing them to the extent I used to. In fact, I kinda mention this off the cuff....I stopped going to church months ago.

Are all these triggers initiated by church alone? Your parents are hardcore church goers, no?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

That's true.

Is that what you want to do - focus on what you don't want? When will you be ready to focus on solution - on what you DO want?

If you say, "I don't know," I am going to go Ezekiel 25 on your ass.

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by James81

Are all these triggers initiated by church alone? Your parents are hardcore church goers, no?

No, and yes.

They're also initiated by my parents, I can pretty much recognize them for what they are until my parents get involved and my emotions meter starts sweating.

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by Angela

Is that what you want to do - focus on what you don't want? When will you be ready to focus on solution - on what you DO want?

If you say, "I don't know," I am going to go Ezekiel 25 on your ass.

You're hilarious

Anyways, no it's not what I want. It's just that I have no idea what I do--it's just that this isn't it!

Ok, I have a vague idea...but i mean vague!

[ssandra]

remember to tell us to shut up any time you feel like you want us to be nice and sweet again.

This is all just to help you, to push you to see beyond what you are seeing now...

But you know that you are free to tell us to back off...

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

until my parents get involved and my emotions meter starts sweating.

Yeah, I figured that it had more impact coming from your parents than it does from the church. Your situation is becoming a lot clearer to me now (and familiar as well).

One time I was dressed up to go to church and I started wearing jeans and a nice collared shirt (instead of dress pants and a tie). They let it go for a while, but one day they wigged out and said I wasn't going to church dressed like that. That I was just dressing like that to be "rebellious" and that I needed to change. And I sat there and cried, and my cousin (one who was like a second mother to me who passed away a few years ago), sat beside me and comforted me a bit and kind of "mediated" but convinced me to change my clothes. I went to church dressed up that night, but I felt horrible.

It's kind of hard to be who you are when you've got parents who think like that. And I imagine you've got a lot of that going on. But I've discovered since then that the beliefs my parents have are heavy into disciplining your kids, and they saw what I was doing as "an act of rebellion," so they felt it *must* change because that's their duty...to "raise me right" and they were unable to distinguish between "raising a child" and "forcing your will upon them."

It does help a little to realize that they are doing what they feel is best for you, with the only tools they have available to them, even if it IS invalidating and overbearing, etc.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

I have no idea

Say "I don't know or I have no idea" again! Say "I don't know or I have no idea" again! I dare you, I double dare you, m*****-fu**er! Say "I don't know or I have no idea" one more g**d**n time!

[secrets0stolen]

Thanks Sandra. I do want this help-- but I am still frustrated...

Where I am I know is "wrong" in my core

The things that are holding me back from leaving where I am are the things that keep people stuck for years in situations they can't stand--why I am different just cause I'm young??

But by almost *everyone* I talk to leaving my situation is "wrong" because leaving high school is something "smart people dont' do!" "a bad decision" "something you'll regret for the rest of your life!"

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

Say "I don't know or I have no idea" again! Say "I don't know or I have no idea" again! I dare you, I double dare you, m*****-fu**er! Say "I don't know or I have no idea" one more g**d**n time!

LMAO

I lost it on that one.

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by James81

Yeah, I figured that it had more impact coming from your parents than it does from the church. Your situation is becoming a lot clearer to me now (and familiar as well).

One time I was dressed up to go to church and I started wearing jeans and a nice collared shirt (instead of dress pants and a tie). They let it go for a while, but one day they wigged out and said I wasn't going to church dressed like that. That I was just dressing like that to be "rebellious" and that I needed to change. And I sat there and cried, and my cousin (one who was like a second mother to me who passed away a few years ago), sat beside me and comforted me a bit and kind of "mediated" but convinced me to change my clothes. I went to church dressed up that night, but I felt horrible.

It's kind of hard to be who you are when you've got parents who think like that. And I imagine you've got a lot of that going on. But I've discovered since then that the beliefs my parents have are heavy into disciplining your kids, and they saw what I was doing as "an act of rebellion," so they felt it *must* change because that's their duty...to "raise me right" and they were unable to distinguish between "raising a child" and "forcing your will upon them."

It does help a little to realize that they are doing what they feel is best for you, with the only tools they have available to them, even if it IS invalidating and overbearing, etc.

Oh god! Every Sunday for *three years* it was like that with me and my mom

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by angela

say "i don't know or i have no idea" again! Say "i don't know or i have no idea" again! I dare you, i double dare you, m*****-fu**er! Say "i don't know or i have no idea" one more g**d**n time!

GRRRRRRRRr!

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

Oh god! Every Sunday for *three years* it was like that with me and my mom

I hear ya.

Don't you think it's kind of funny that we come from similar backgrounds? What is it, then, that I'm here to show you?

Am I here to show you that becoming a "wander" isn't going to resolve that internal conflict? That is, I am a projection of what might happen with you in 10 years. That is, wandering and running away from the conflict isn't going to resolve the conflict (Christ, I know all about that.) You're going to unconsciously create that conflict again and again...you're going to constantly recreate your "bedroom" again and again in your life. (Say, through a "trapped" and olbigated job perhaps? )

This situation is presented to you for resolution. And you're a strong, mature young woman with many tools available to you. I believe that you can take your current situation and resolve the internal conflicts you have surrounding it, and transform it entirely. You can come out of your bedroom and move freely around the house, unfazed by other's assessments of who you are (which mean nothing about you and everything about them).

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by James81

I hear ya.

Just an interesting thought exercise if you are game...

What if you solve YOUR issues James, and by solving this internal conflict you have going on, you solve the issues that you perceive Secrets has... ?

SR at its best.

In that same line of thought there is something in me that is causing both you and secrets to be blocked in this same way... I'll work on it

[James81]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Just an interesting thought exercise if you are game...

What if you solve YOUR issues James, and by solving this internal conflict you have going on, you solve the issues that you perceive Secrets has... ?

SR at its best.

In that same line of thought there is something in me that is causing both you and secrets to be blocked in this same way... I'll work on it

I just generated an Awesome goal that involves just that.

(I was thinking about my own conflicts the entire time I was writing that. )

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by James81

I hear ya.

Don't you think it's kind of funny that we come from similar backgrounds? What is it, then, that I'm here to show you?

Am I here to show you that becoming a "wander" isn't going to resolve that internal conflict? That is, I am a projection of what might happen with you in 10 years. That is, wandering and running away from the conflict isn't going to resolve the conflict (Christ, I know all about that.) You're going to unconsciously create that conflict again and again...you're going to constantly recreate your "bedroom" again and again in your life. (Say, through a "trapped" and olbigated job perhaps? )

This situation is presented to you for resolution. And you're a strong, mature young woman with many tools available to you. I believe that you can take your current situation and resolve the internal conflicts you have surrounding it, and transform it entirely. You can come out of your bedroom and move freely around the house, unfazed by other's assessments of who you are (which mean nothing about you and everything about them).

Then maybe I need to be scary honest with them? "I don't live up to your standards, I'm not a Christian, I'm not strait, I love you anyway, do with that what you will"?

And yes, it's very funny this whole mirroring situation we have going on.

I'm living out of alignment with my core (to say it in PD language) by staying here and by hiding myself. I just have something stirring in my blood and I need to do SOMETHING radical--and of course all options scare the **** out of me.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

Then maybe I need to be scary honest with them? "I don't live up to your standards, I'm not a Christian, I'm not strait, I love you anyway, do with that what you will"?

I think this might be an excellent idea...

And a lot better then "I don't know"

Are you willing to live with the potential fall out of this statement?

Edit: You can practice by saying this to your therapist... at least it will be entertaining to see her trying to react to that one...

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I think this might be an excellent idea...

And a lot better then "I don't know"

Are you willing to live with the potential fall out of this statement?

Edit: You can practice by saying this to your therapist... at least it will be entertaining to see her trying to react to that one...

I DON'T KNOW!!

Heh, that's a gremlin. Look at all the statement church and parents told me most of the have to do with--I DON'T KNOW.

I still have some programming that goes along the lines of parents=security. If they don't love me, no one else will, and my life is over. Of course they installed that programming, and it served their manipulations well.


But yeah, I need power and need courage. I need to do something crazy.

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

Then maybe I need to be scary honest with them? "I don't live up to your standards, I'm not a Christian, I'm not strait, I love you anyway, do with that what you will"?

And yes, it's very funny this whole mirroring situation we have going on.

I'm living out of alignment with my core (to say it in PD language) by staying here and by hiding myself. I just have something stirring in my blood and I need to do SOMETHING radical--and of course all options scare the **** out of me.

Is it true that you need to do something radical? Or do you just feel you need to realign yourself with your own values and your own internal compass? (And perhaps get Angela to WHOOOOAH back a little with the Ezekiel **** in the process. )

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

I need to do something crazy.

Come to Las Vegas in October?

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by James81

Is it true that you need to do something radical? Or do you just feel you need to realign yourself with your own values and your own internal compass? (And perhaps get Angela to WHOOOOAH back a little with the Ezekiel **** in the process. )

I feel like I need to realign myself ASAP because I hate living like this! I don't know if you want to call that radical or what...but it is for me because I'm seriously scared!! (as in afraid )

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Come to Las Vegas in October?

Ha! Maybe! I hope! I don't know!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

Ha! Maybe! I hope! I don't know!

If you don't know... shall I decide for you?

you know what, I'll make you a deal... it seems that I'll have to pay full fee anyway on my hotel room, so I'll let you stay there for free...?

[secrets0stolen]

But just to say...

being crazy honest won't fix all of my problems either. It's one thing--I think it's something I need to fix before I leave, but being here is ultimately out of alignment with my core as well.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by James81

(And perhaps get Angela to WHOOOOAH back a little with the Ezekiel **** in the process. )

If you can't handle my badassness, stay out of my movie.

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by ssandra

If you don't know... shall I decide for you?

you know what, I'll make you a deal... it seems that I'll have to pay full fee anyway on my hotel room, so I'll let you stay there for free...?

Thankyou for the offer. But I honestly don't know if I can get the other fees together too, or if that something I should be focusing on!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

But just to say...

being crazy honest won't fix all of my problems either. It's one thing--I think it's something I need to fix before I leave, but being here is ultimately out of alignment with my core as well.

In what way is being completely radically honest with yourself and others out of alignment with your core?

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

I'm seriously scared!! (as in afraid )

Wheee.....another gremlin!

(Again, that's not saying that you are wrong or to invalidate how you feel...just to clarify that for any one reading this. )

How would you realign yourself to your values?

Originally Posted by Angela

If you can't handle my badassness, stay out of my movie.

I could handle your badassness if I were to have a Royale with Cheese.

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

I like seeing white people talk about this kind of stuff. I say white people even though I am of mixed race because my family of origin was much more southeast asian, culturally. I think the fundamental difference is the belief in reincarnation. We are taught that we are born to our families for a reason; we cannot know this because our minds are finite. We must respect the infinite by accepting our fate and surrendering to what is. I was taught to gather wealth of mind rather than wealth of money.

According to the 7 Essene Mirrors of relationship, we are offered interactions with other people by the universe as opportunities to resolve the 7 fundamental fears that have been bred into us through successive generations.

If you chose not to face these issues with your parents, be assured that you will be offered the same exact relationship dynamic, over and over again, until the resolution occurs.

My Dad traveled the world - set foot on every continent on the planet. Fought in 3 wars. I'm going to tell you what he told me:

You can run as far and as fast as you want; you can justify it, explain it away, validate it through others. You'll still end up the same place you started, because everywhere is the same place. The only destination you can ever get to is inside your heart.

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by ssandra

In what way is being completely radically honest with yourself and others out of alignment with your core?

It's not, it's just not the only thing out of alignment with my core.

Originally Posted by James81

Wheee.....another gremlin!

(Again, that's not saying that you are wrong or to invalidate how you feel...just to clarify that for any one reading this. )

How would you realign yourself to your values?

By being 100% honest with everyone I know (even if it's passively honest--eg, I'm not going to contact people I haven't seen in five years in order to tell them things I had been fooling myself about, but if I happen to see them again and it comes up I'll tell them)

This includes being honest about the possibility of leaving school.

And then *do* something (i don't know what, but some actual action) to bring my path back into alignment.

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

It's not, it's just not the only thing out of alignment with my core.

I don't understand this statement.

From what I understand nothing external is ever "out of alignment" - everything is as it is which is as the universe intends.

We are unable to comprehend this because of the organic, finite organ of cognition that we use.