I cannot motivate myself to do school (internal conflict)

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by James81

What is it about where you are now that feels like a waste to you?

It's stagnant. That's the best way I can describe it really...

You know how some people get trapped in a cubicle? I'm trapped in my bedroom.

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

You know how some people get trapped in a cubicle? I'm trapped in my bedroom.

Oh yeah, I know all about being trapped in a cubicle. I wrote that book.

I wonder if your feeling of trappedness is related to my feeling of trappedness in my job in some way?

Why am I asking, of course it is or I wouldn't be attracted to your posts about it.

What keeps you in your bedroom? (My questions are suddenly taking on a new meaning because I'm looking for comparisons to my own situation now. )

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by James81

Oh yeah, I know all about being trapped in a cubicle. I wrote that book.

I wonder if your feeling of trappedness is related to my feeling of trappedness in my job in some way?

Why am I asking, of course it is or I wouldn't be attracted to your posts about it.

What keeps you in your bedroom? (My questions are suddenly taking on a new meaning because I'm looking for comparisons to my own situation now. )

Money, The legal system, social pressure, fears about my future, fear of the unknown (aka, 'lack of street smarts'), parental pressure, conditioning,

And I think I have a belief, "but my case is special" (and I think others in my reality have that belief as a consequence

If a "normal person" (male mid-30's--socially conditioned "normal") wanted to quit a job he felt the same way about because of the reasons I listed, for some reason I believe people would just say, "quit!" because that's the "good advice"--the PD path...

But I'm young, I'm female. Most people wouldn't give me the time of day now, let alone if I have the "high school drop out" label attached to me.

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

Money, The legal system, social pressure, fears about my future, fear of the unknown (aka, 'lack of street smarts'), parental pressure, conditioning,

And I think I have a belief, "but my case is special" (and I think others in my reality have that belief as a consequence

If a "normal person" (male mid-30's--socially conditioned "normal") wanted to quit a job he felt the same way about because of the reasons I listed, for some reason I believe people would just say, "quit!" because that's the "good advice"--the PD path...

But I'm young, I'm female. Most people wouldn't give me the time of day now, let alone if I have the "high school drop out" label attached to me.

Nah, I now see that the similarities are strikingly similar. All the same things are excuses I personally use to stay at my job....money, the legal system, social pressure, fear of the future, fear of the unknown, conditioning...and, of course, parental pressure (especially parental pressure because I just realized that if my parents weren't around anymore, I wouldn't care what other people thought of my path and my decision...interesting thought...and scary because, well, that's an intention I DON'T want to manifest itself.)

and I have excuses as well that make my case "special" from other PD paths...whereas you are young, female, and people won't give you the time of day...my "exceptions" are that I have kids that I need to take care of and that throws a monkey wrench into the whole "just quit!" idea.

So, you see, we're both sort of "trapped" by the same thing I think.

Or perhaps we both want the same thing and we're not getting it...that is, parental acceptance for our own choices and not the things we think they think we *should* do.

[Angela]

Why don't you take the high school equivalency test and opt out?

[st33med]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why don't you take the high school equivalency test and opt out?

Wait, there's something like that? Why have I never heard of this?

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why don't you take the high school equivalency test and opt out?

The GED? You can't take that until you've been already been out of school for six months.

[James81]

Originally Posted by st33med

Wait, there's something like that? Why have I never heard of this?

Yeah...at least in the U.S there is.

It's called the "G.E.D."

Another interesting option that can be taken, that gives you the "diploma" without being stuck in school.

There IS a downside to that, however, and that is that it's not as respected as a high school diploma. Some colleges, for instance, wouldn't accept you without a HS diploma, but more community colleges would. (Assuming you wanted to go to college.)

Some jobs may not look as favorably on that either, although I don't understand WHY.

[secrets0stolen]

James, another similarity here too. If my parents approved, or didn't care, or couldn't care--I would probably have very little trouble making this decision. I could just look at my practical options instead of dealing with this push and pull of my heart and my parents.

[st33med]

I've heard about GED's, but I never knew what it was about. The only way to drop out was to be 17 and in junior year. Pah! Legal system...

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

James, another similarity here too. If my parents approved, or didn't care, or couldn't care--I would probably have very little trouble making this decision. I could just look at my practical options instead of dealing with this push and pull of my heart and my parents.

I know how I coped with it at your age...(or, rather, I was a little older when I started "fighting" it...about 18 or so)...

I ran away...not from their house or in a "wanderlust" sense...that is, I escaped their control by doing things that purposely was opposite of what I knew they believed...

I started smoking, and when they found out, they fought me on it. And I stood my ground and decided I was going to do it just because they didn't want me to do it. I stopped going to church for the same reason...tried to push my "faith" out on purpose...tried to stop believing in God, actually....I also wouldn't tell them things I was going to do...like, we had closed on the loan for a house before we even told them, because I didn't want their advice or their opinions.

I realized, finally, that running away from the "idea" of them was really only doing more damage to myself than anything else. Within the past couple of years, I've realized that it's more important that I do what I truly desired to do than it was to simply do the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to do. My desire to separate from them and be my own person actually just created the idea of "living at effect to them" even more...by doing the opposite.

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by James81

I know how I coped with it at your age...(or, rather, I was a little older when I started "fighting" it...about 18 or so)...

I ran away...not from their house or in a "wanderlust" sense...that is, I escaped their control by doing things that purposely was opposite of what I knew they believed...

I started smoking, and when they found out, they fought me on it. And I stood my ground and decided I was going to do it just because they didn't want me to do it. I stopped going to church for the same reason...tried to push my "faith" out on purpose...tried to stop believing in God, actually....I also wouldn't tell them things I was going to do...like, we had closed on the loan for a house before we even told them, because I didn't want their advice or their opinions.

I realized, finally, that running away from the "idea" of them was really only doing more damage to myself than anything else. Within the past couple of years, I've realized that it's more important that I do what I truly desired to do than it was to simply do the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to do.

Well, we did have arguments about church, but the reason I didn't want to go among other things wasn't about defying them...it was about removing myself from Christianity while I let the wounds heal. I probably wouldn't mind going there now if I wasn't afraid the people there would judge me. But I told them it was because I didn't like the people...anyway...

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

while I let the wounds heal

There's the wounds again. (No, I'm not saying it's a limiting decision this time because the way you said it is very different from "I AM scarred." )

The idea of being wounded and scarred keeps surfacing for you though, eh?

Would you like to talk about your wounds, more specifically? I know you've talked about a lot of it, but are there more wounded places in you trying to show themselves to you? When you think of your wounds and scars, that is, what comes to mind?

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by James81

There's the wounds again. (No, I'm not saying it's a limiting decision this time because the way you said it is very different from "I AM scarred." )

The idea of being wounded and scarred keeps surfacing for you though, eh?

Would you like to talk about your wounds, more specifically? I know you've talked about a lot of it, but are there more wounded places in you trying to show themselves to you? When you think of your wounds and scars, that is, what comes to mind?

Triggers. Things that make me mad because of what they represented in the past--what they got me to believe, and sometimes I find myself still believing them.

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

Triggers. Things that make me mad because of what they represented in the past--what they got me to believe, and sometimes I find myself still believing them.

What are your triggers?

[ssandra]

I know my advice might not be very popular.... but why don't you try to "suck it up" do your school work, and graduate (with C's if you want to) as soon as possible.

This opens a whole new world of possibilities for you, keeps you busy until you can legally leave your parents, and gives you a good excuse to not get too involved in family activities (as you are busy graduating asap).

Then, you can apply to a collage, far far away from your parents, (normally parents approve going to collage) or even find a collage abroad that you can go to.

6 months into that, you can figure out if collage is for you or not, and make an informed decision about continuing or quitting, and by that time you are 17.5 or 18 and completely your own boss....

[LostMyMap]

I was just thinking of the parents thing, and I'm not exactly sure what the deal is with yours. But I remember how it went for me. It was kind of an ongoing process where they turned over things to me as I got older. At first there were big limits on where I could go and how late I could stay out. Then when I got my license there were limits on how far I could drive. As I got to 17 and 18 those limits were reduced in steps. Be back in by 11 became back by 12 and eventually "don't be out too late."

Not sure if your parents would be doing that or you could negotiate some small steps toward complete independence. They have to know that they can't hold you down forever. Although some people seem to have parents that don't get that.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

Hey! Wow! I did the values exercise last night! Seven of them turned out to be from the TLP triangle but i genuinely resonated with them, so I included them anyway.

Freedom
Truth
Love
Power
Beauty
Wellness
Oneness
Authority
Courage
Intelligence
Love-Based Leadership

So, what would be an outcome that would reflect all of these values?

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I know my advice might not be very popular.... but why don't you try to "suck it up" do your school work, and graduate (with C's if you want to) as soon as possible.

This opens a whole new world of possibilities for you, keeps you busy until you can legally leave your parents, and gives you a good excuse to not get too involved in family activities (as you are busy graduating asap).

Then, you can apply to a collage, far far away from your parents, (normally parents approve going to collage) or even find a collage abroad that you can go to.

6 months into that, you can figure out if collage is for you or not, and make an informed decision about continuing or quitting, and by that time you are 17.5 or 18 and completely your own boss....

The problem is...I'd be 18 by the time I got done with the schoolwork at this rate, and then have to go through the process of getting a college to accept me and find a way to pay for it and then take 6 mo to decide if it was for me.

Originally Posted by James81

What are your triggers?

"you will never be good enough" (you would not believe how often these are shouted from the pulpit--or maybe you would )
"you must feel shame"
"you are fundamentally flawed"
"You have to look to someone or else you are damned"
"You can't trust yourself"
and on and on and on

I basically get the same crap from my parents, but there's also

"you're naive"
"you have no judgement"
"you have no idea"
"you don't know what you're talking about"
"You won't understand until you're older"
"I can't trust you"

etc etc etc

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

I was just thinking of the parents thing, and I'm not exactly sure what the deal is with yours. But I remember how it went for me. It was kind of an ongoing process where they turned over things to me as I got older. At first there were big limits on where I could go and how late I could stay out. Then when I got my license there were limits on how far I could drive. As I got to 17 and 18 those limits were reduced in steps. Be back in by 11 became back by 12 and eventually "don't be out too late."

Not sure if your parents would be doing that or you could negotiate some small steps toward complete independence. They have to know that they can't hold you down forever. Although some people seem to have parents that don't get that.

Yeah...this is a "normal" set up I suppose, but it doesn't work that way we them because they don't trust me.

[st33med]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I know my advice might not be very popular.... but why don't you try to "suck it up" do your school work, and graduate (with C's if you want to) as soon as possible.

This opens a whole new world of possibilities for you, keeps you busy until you can legally leave your parents, and gives you a good excuse to not get too involved in family activities (as you are busy graduating asap).

Then, you can apply to a collage, far far away from your parents, (normally parents approve going to collage) or even find a collage abroad that you can go to.

6 months into that, you can figure out if collage is for you or not, and make an informed decision about continuing or quitting, and by that time you are 17.5 or 18 and completely your own boss....

+100 (and it's spelled 'college' )

I was doing not so well in my last few months of high school. I struggled to get a B and one of my grades ended up being a D+ in one semester :|

My mother asked me once if I was going to drop out. I said, no, I am so close to graduating. I would put up through hell to get away.

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by Angela

So, what would be an outcome that would reflect all of these values?

I don't know, but stay here really reflects *none* of them.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

The problem is...I'd be 18 by the time I got done with the schoolwork at this rate, and then have to go through the process of getting a college to accept me and find a way to pay for it and then take 6 mo to decide if it was for me.

If you'd be 18 by that time, you wouldn't need to go to college (thanks st33med ). You are "free" by that time...

And what if you step up your school work? Not with the motivation to do better, but with the motivation to get it over with asap? With D+ if you can manage... just do the minimum that you need to get the grades to pass?

And I also want to mention that of your list of values, almost all of them (if not actually all of them) are a mindset that you can cultivate whenever and wherever you are.

Actually, that would make you so much stronger, if you can learn that now...

And I agree with what has been said before.. I know you asked to go to military school when you were 13, but that is 4 years ago... why not ask again?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

I don't know, but stay here really reflects *none* of them.

So what was the point of distinguishing your values, if you can't be bothered to look at how you might live in accordance with them, beyond "I don't know"?

[James81]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

"you will never be good enough" (you would not believe how often these are shouted from the pulpit--or maybe you would )
"you must feel shame"
"you are fundamentally flawed"
"You have to look to someone or else you are damned"
"You can't trust yourself"
and on and on and on

I basically get the same crap from my parents, but there's also

"you're naive"
"you have no judgement"
"you have no idea"
"you don't know what you're talking about"
"You won't understand until you're older"
"I can't trust you"

etc etc etc

Interesting triggers (and the similarities keep growin' ).

Are you believing them?

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by ssandra

If you'd be 18 by that time, you wouldn't need to go to college (thanks st33med ). You are "free" by that time...

And what if you step up your school work? Not with the motivation to do better, but with the motivation to get it over with asap? With D+ if you can manage... just do the minimum that you need to get the grades to pass?

And I also want to mention that of your list of values, almost all of them (if not actually all of them) are a mindset that you can cultivate whenever and wherever you are.

Actually, that would make you so much stronger, if you can learn that now...

And I agree with what has been said before.. I know you asked to go to military school when you were 13, but that is 4 years ago... why not ask again?

I do know they're all a mindset, and have been considering that myself. But where I am just seems wrong.

Originally Posted by Angela

So what was the point of distinguishing your values, if you can't be bothered to look at how you might live in accordance with them, beyond "I don't know"?

Well I only distinguished them last night

Originally Posted by James81

Interesting triggers (and the similarities keep growin' ).

Are you believing them?

No, not exclusively. Sometimes they do come up when the perspective that they would enforce has *some* good points, but I'm really not believing them to the extent I used to. In fact, I kinda mention this off the cuff....I stopped going to church months ago.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

The problem is...I'd be 18 by the time I got done with the schoolwork at this rate, and then have to go through the process of getting a college to accept me and find a way to pay for it and then take 6 mo to decide if it was for me.

"you will never be good enough" (you would not believe how often these are shouted from the pulpit--or maybe you would )
"you must feel shame"
"you are fundamentally flawed"
"You have to look to someone or else you are damned"
"You can't trust yourself"
and on and on and on

I basically get the same crap from my parents, but there's also

"you're naive"
"you have no judgement"
"you have no idea"
"you don't know what you're talking about"
"You won't understand until you're older"
"I can't trust you"

etc etc etc

What church denomination?

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

What church denomination?

Presbyterian

[Angela]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

Well I only distinguished them last night

It looks like since then you've had plenty of time for focusing on what you don't want.

[secrets0stolen]

Originally Posted by Angela

It looks like since then you've had plenty of time for focusing on what you don't want.

That's true.