Making the Impossible Decision

[LostMyMap]

ssandra,
We're already in the separate rooms. I think I get the idea of being the man she fell in love with, show her it's still me over here. I agree with you on that.

I don't think I can, or should wait yet another two months to see what's going to happen. I'm afraid we could burn years in limbo. I already feel old.

[Medea33]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

I don't think I can, or should wait yet another two months to see what's going to happen. I'm afraid we could burn years in limbo. I already feel old.

I really do get how wrenching all of this is and I'm reluctant to poke open wounds, but...this one is too clear to ignore.

A lot of how you are with your wife is all about just this pushing and pressing, because you feel like time is running out. There's an urgency to all of this for you which - whatever else is going on - brings out passive but also massive resistance in her. That's a thoroughly ineffective tactic.

Instead of prodding and poking and trying to MAKE her give you a decision (because deciding to leave her would mean you'd violate some personal proscription against giving up), instead of inflaming an already volatile situation by planning to announce you're going to investigate co-parenting, instead of rushing because you're scared and frantic about never having a child, instead of wanting what you want and wanting it now, not two months from now...

Instead of all of that, find a good therapist for yourself. Rage, cry, scream and cry some more. Complain about being cheated of the things that matter to you. Work on why it's so important to you to try to reconcile two irreconcilable states: marriage to this woman and fatherhood. Find space and grace. Learn to make your own decisions from a place of clarity.

You can't do **** all about your wife, not unless you really want to break her more than she already is. And even if you want to, it would be very ungenerous. So, leave her alone and work on you.

My father's last child was born when he was 56. You have time, I swear.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

I don't think I can, or should wait yet another two months to see what's going to happen. I'm afraid we could burn years in limbo. I already feel old.

So you made the decision to stay with her, for the rest of your life, but you cannot take 2 months to make her fall in love with you again?

[James81]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

ssandra,
We're already in the separate rooms. I think I get the idea of being the man she fell in love with, show her it's still me over here. I agree with you on that.

I don't think I can, or should wait yet another two months to see what's going to happen. I'm afraid we could burn years in limbo. I already feel old.

I think that's a huge part of the problem. It's not about you. It's about her. You keep trying to adjust yourself to make this work and she keeps very clearly remaining exactly where she is. And there's nothing wrong with her doing that, btw, it just means that she is presenting you with the choice:

Accept me exactly as you see me today

or

Find someone else

Like you said, you can spend years in this limbo...you can prod yourself forward on the hope of "in two months things will be better"...OR...you could recognize that your needs are also important and that you deserve to have those needs met. If she's not willing to meet those needs (that's her choice), then you are free to find someone who will.

In other words, it takes two to tango. For any real resolution of conflict to occur, both parties have got to be willing to take responsibility for their role in creating the conflict. I think she has demonstrated time and time again (according to your posts) that she is not willing to create any sort of movement toward you on her end.

Thing is, it's your feelings for her that's clouding this issue. And that's perfectly normal. But at what point do you decide it's enough? At what point do you decide that what you want is also important? And, at what point do you respect yourself enough to walk away from a situation that isn't working for you?

[VinceG]

I was sitting here, playing my guitar and watching for new, interesting things to reply to, when Medea's reply put your thread at the top of the page.

And I started to think about it.

What could give this unresolved issue new light?

I thought of this, take it or leave it. I don't care which, they're idle musings from someone you've already written off. But I still care about you, so I'm going to do my best anyway.





What do you want here? Well, let's first look at what you don't want.

You don't want a resolution. Because resolution would involve divorce or worse. You want to stick this situation out, and not take any of the varied paths to get you out of it.

This tells me you're exactly where you need to be right now. Dealing with this.

There's nowhere to go. No mountain to climb. No magic intuitive breakthrough to find. This is the life you chose.

You don't really want kids. If you did, you'd have gotten a divorce already.

The universe has handed you a choice. Your wife or kids. It might change that choice later on, but right now you get one or the other. You're choosing your wife, which means, that no matter what your thoughts are day-to-day, you're picking your wife over kids.

What's holding you back is that you're afraid to make the decision whole-heartedly. Fear of the unknown. Fear of never being able to have kids again.

You need to deal with that fear, so that you can make your decision with a clear head and a full heart. The way you are now, you can't make it. You'll never be able to make it unless you can take your fear away.

The length of this thread seems to have distracted you from the basic, undeniable truth of its topic, "Making the Impossible Decision." That's the heart of the matter here. You need to make the decision. To truly make the decision. The decision you think you made, "stay with my wife and hope she changes her mind about adoption," isn't a decision. It's a wait-and-see. You need a decision, your wife needs a decision. Kids or her. Either one will work. But it can only be one.

This "solution" you've picked, unfortunately, is helping no one.

It's possible she might change her mind later. But it won't be in this interminable limbo you guys are caught up in.

[VinceG]

Wow, looks like I wasn't the only one with that thought!

[Medea33]

Nope, you weren't. I think the information given just reached critical mass.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by ssandra

So you made the decision to stay with her, for the rest of your life, but you cannot take 2 months to make her fall in love with you again?

Darn good question. But should I? I mean I hear what you and Medea are saying. But Vince and James are also getting through. It does take two to tango and what's the point in another two months if the door is never going to be open again? Sounds cold doesn't it. But if coldness is all I'm getting, with no end in sight... I at least need to hear her say something besides "I don't know."

BTW, I have been going to talk to someone for several months. He's a really good guy.

I did make a decision. To stay with her, not just because of some sense of obligation to my vows, but also, read this, I love her. I also put in play the idea of having kids another way that would allow that. Knowing full well that I was gambling on getting both and in the end might not get either, at least here and now. I had also gambled that she would react in some sort of way, one way or another. Not just blank.

So it's true, that really didn't break limbo at all, just moved the ball around the court.

So if she comes back and still wants to be in limbo land, my options seem to be, spend a month or two trying to woo her and not bug for a decision from her, reverse my statement about not leaving and just go, let her be in limbo land while I go off and talk to the doc about being a donor and let her make her own move. Did I miss any options that have been laid out?

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

So if she comes back and still wants to be in limbo land, my options seem to be, spend a month or two trying to woo her and not bug for a decision from her, reverse my statement about not leaving and just go, let her be in limbo land while I go off and talk to the doc about being a donor and let her make her own move. Did I miss any options that have been laid out?

I don't think this last one is a good option. It is basically going behind her back to still be a father... doesn't sound fair to her, or you.

Options (with or without her):

be a big brother
find out if there is an orphanage in your town where you could volunteer
Volunteer with troubled young people



What I think (feel) is very important is to make a decision now and to truly choose that. That doesn't mean that you cannot choose something else later on, because you can. But when you make that choice and while you make that choice, stand behind it completely and totally.

[Medea33]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

So if she comes back and still wants to be in limbo land, my options seem to be, spend a month or two trying to woo her and not bug for a decision from her, reverse my statement about not leaving and just go, let her be in limbo land while I go off and talk to the doc about being a donor and let her make her own move. Did I miss any options that have been laid out?

Yup, a big one: Do nothing.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I don't think this last one is a good option. It is basically going behind her back to still be a father... doesn't sound fair to her, or you.

Options (with or without her):

be a big brother
find out if there is an orphanage in your town where you could volunteer
Volunteer with troubled young people



What I think (feel) is very important is to make a decision now and to truly choose that. That doesn't mean that you cannot choose something else later on, because you can. But when you make that choice and while you make that choice, stand behind it completely and totally.

I'm not going behind her back. She will know everything I'm doing.

I have no problem with volunteering, I think Big Brother is a great thing, but in the whole brainstorming thing I went through, I decided that wasn't going to cut it. Not mine.

I don't even know if there really are orphanages as such anymore. The foster care system seems to be the thing now. If I actually went to one, I'd probably end up bringing one home. It would be just like when I was a kid and I would bring home a puppy, with no notice and say "Mom, can I keep it?" HA!

(she already nixed being foster parents btw)

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by Medea33

Yup, a big one: Do nothing.

That's pretty much the sum total of what I've accomplished over the last year.

I know I am not brimming with patience, but I started down this road 15 years ago.

[Medea33]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

That's pretty much the sum total of what I've accomplished over the last year.

I know I am not brimming with patience, but I started down this road 15 years ago.

I'm not talking about sitting down and waiting for your wife to make some sort of decision. Nor am I advocating continued impatient quivering on the prongs of your dilemma.

It's a much more active way of doing nothing. It involves eliminating all the pressure you're putting on your wife and on yourself. No waiting, no figuring out ways around the inescapable concept that your wife does not want children, not even foster children. Nothing. And then hanging out with how that feels and what the feelings mean.

I sometimes think it's helpful to get really quiet, so that small voice inside of us that knows everything can tell us what we've been trying to drown out with all our activity.

[Casey Lake]

Hi,

I recently wrote a post on making difficult decisions. I'm linking to it as I genuinely think it might help. )

Intelligent Decision Making