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st33med · 08-01-2010, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Is that something that happens a lot in your life? You want something, you feel stopped, and your reaction is to withdraw?

Yes. I am going forward with this still and I keep getting frustrated

Angela · 08-01-2010, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by st33med

Yes. I am going forward with this still and I keep getting frustrated

Did you try on "I am powerless"? How did it land on you?

Another similar one that some friends have distinguished: "I am helpless."

AlmostGodess · 08-01-2010, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by st33med

Yes. I am going forward with this still and I keep getting frustrated

Just to let you know I feel I grew up so much in the last few years. Sometimes I really feel like a titan, like a Goddess. BUT. But sometimes I just just break down and cry like the child that does not know the way. It is disturbing and frustrating. I feel someone is playing with me. I guess the road is just not over yet

st33med · 08-01-2010, 07:11 PM

It sorta fits. I can't explain it well. I was kept up by my frustration. I wanted to go after it. I could tell stories about how it works.

But I can't see the bricks on the head moment.

secrets0stolen · 08-01-2010, 07:11 PM

One thing that I saw in all your responses that Angela pointed out was just plain and simple, "I am not able".
Which of course corresponds to powerless pretty directly, but I thought this wording might perhaps resonate.

Angela · 08-01-2010, 07:22 PM

Yup -- just like "I'm stuck" was as plain as the nose on my face, and I wasn't seeing it because to me, it wasn't a belief, it was REALITY.

You have said, in one for or other, "I can't" over and over and over and over again. Take a look at your posts in this thread. "I can't" is all over the place -- in pretty much every post where you're feeling stress.

Notice how you believe "I can't" at a deeply unconscious level. It could be that that's as deep as your unconscious is willing to go at the moment, and that's fine. It's a layer of the onion. It seems pretty clear that you believe "I can't" so deeply and thoroughly that it occurs like reality for you. "I don't know" is another layer of that same gremlin. No wonder you're frustrated, huh?

Are you wiling to begin to see that it's this belief itself that keeps you from seeing itself? "I can't!" keeps you from seeing "I can't" == pretty effectively! It's very much like mine: if only I weren't so STUCK then I could see my gremlin! (which is, "I'm stuck.") I understand how frustrating that is!!!

st33med · 08-01-2010, 07:26 PM

I see and saw all that.
My head hurts.

Angela · 08-01-2010, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by st33med

I see and saw all that.
My head hurts.

It really takes something to look boldly at yourself. You're doing great.

I'm going away for awhile ... we will check back in when (if) you want to.

st33med · 08-01-2010, 07:49 PM

Keep going, please. I want this gone.

Angela · 08-01-2010, 07:49 PM

Oh, just one more thing....

Most people never bother to take on such intense self-examination, Andrew, because it's confronting, because it can be frustrating. It takes some extraordinary resource to take it on, and see it through.

And there is treasure on the other side.

edit: I see that you have said, "Keep going, please, I want this gone." And it's up to you to be at cause -- you are 100% responsible for the results you get, as frustrating and headachy as I know that may occur for you! Keep going, Andrew -- if that's what's there for you to do -- and I think it is, because you just said it to the mirror. Keep going -- keep looking.

"I can't, and that means that I am ________."

I'll tell you where I did my boldest looking: all alone, all locked up by myself in the bathroom, where I felt safe to look, with no one watching or listening.

st33med · 08-01-2010, 07:52 PM

I find it so ironic that I said a little rut for my thread.

I'm digging a hole and it's got something in it for me, no matter the frustration. It's all worth it in the end.

Angela · 08-01-2010, 07:54 PM

I know what you mean. When I started, I just wanted to find out why I was a little annoyed all the time.

James81 · 08-01-2010, 08:06 PM

You seem so lost, st33med.

st33med · 08-01-2010, 08:08 PM

Why does that not hit me like a barrel of bricks?

I CAN'T AND THAT MEANS I AM POWERLESS.

I don't know. I know it is what I am looking for, but it doesn't make me go that's it.

James81 · 08-01-2010, 08:10 PM

You can't what?

AlmostGodess · 08-01-2010, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by st33med

Why does that not hit me like a barrel of bricks?

I CAN'T AND THAT MEANS I AM POWERLESS.

I don't know. I know it is what I am looking for, but it doesn't make me go that's it.

If you dig a whole and find a spring, do you dig dipper or do you enjoy the spring for a while?

st33med · 08-01-2010, 08:43 PM

Because this isn't it. I don't know.

I am so confused. I have no idea what this is anymore.

AlmostGodess · 08-01-2010, 08:47 PM

Just take a break then. Vacuum clean your flat. Water your plants. Hide in your bathroom. It will hit you. It's inevitable!

st33med · 08-01-2010, 08:52 PM

I've been hiding for several hours already. Nothing has hit me.

AlmostGodess · 08-01-2010, 08:57 PM

You want to control things and this is good. This is your purpose, right?

What are your choices when nothing comes up after a few hours of hiding?

Have you heard of the hedgehog syndrome? You look like one right now

st33med · 08-01-2010, 09:04 PM

I don't know, and no, I don't know what hedgehog symptom is.

AlmostGodess · 08-01-2010, 09:07 PM

The hedgehog syndrome is when you hide and reject all proposals that come from outside.

I invented the hedgehog syndrome

AlmostGodess · 08-01-2010, 09:14 PM

I am going to bed. People with all kinds of problems are waiting for me to come in the office and find solutions for them. And you know what? I am going to leave all my gremlins aside and do my best for these people. It is a moment when my hedgehog comes out to play. I still have to learn to bring him out for my own joy too, but this will not be tomorrow. In the meantime, I take it as it is and try not to earn the price for the most stubborn person on this planet.

Hugs, Andrew!

st33med · 08-01-2010, 09:16 PM

I am depressed now. I have been listening to everything actually and have been mulling it over and over in my head. I am still stuck at this thing where I say "I am silly, goofus, terrible, powerless, whatever" and I cannot get ANYTHING out!!! I am just pissed and tired of not getting results in my life like I want it. I just want to be able to feel satisfied with my results. I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE HELL I PROCRASTINATE. I want to know where I limit myself all the time to my laptop and make myself feel low because I compare to other people unconsciously. I just am sick and f***ing tired of being like this. I am not powerless at all

.

I just want an answer from deep in my unconcious, but nothing keeps coming up. NOTHING. I DON'T WANT NOTHING. I WANT SOMETHING.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHHHHHHHH

AlmostGodess · 08-01-2010, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by st33med

I am depressed now. I have been listening to everything actually and have been mulling it over and over in my head. I am still stuck at this thing where I say "I am silly, goofus, terrible, powerless, whatever" and I cannot get ANYTHING out!!! I am just pissed and tired of not getting results in my life like I want it. I just want to be able to feel satisfied with my results. I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE HELL I PROCRASTINATE. I want to know where I limit myself all the time to my laptop and make myself feel low because I compare to other people unconsciously. I just am sick and f***ing tired of being like this. I am not powerless at all

.

I just want an answer from deep in my unconcious, but nothing keeps coming up. NOTHING. I DON'T WANT NOTHING. I WANT SOMETHING.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHHHHHHHH

You have this champion mindset, Andrew. A mindset that makes you want to win, to be the best, to get THE RESULTS you want. This is good, and you know it.

So, you have the mindset. But apparently you don't have all the skills or still have not learned how to use your abilities to match your mindset. This frustrates you.

My answer would be to work on both your mindset (you are a champion even if you don't win big everyday) and on your skills (what are those? how do you get them?).

Does this sound logical to you?

Angela · 08-01-2010, 09:28 PM

Andrew, it looks like you are trying to discover your gremlin and at the same time assert that it's not there. Your grown-up, figure-it-out mind knows your gremlin is not true ("I know I'm not powerless"), and it's in conflict with your little-kid self, who feels that yessirree it is so true (I can't!"!

You didn't seem to see - or at least you didn't acknowledge -- my post at 12:22 (PDT).

For this purpose, it might help you to just let go of being a grown up and being reasonable and rational -- because that is keeping the gremlin in place. Let yourself speak through the mouth of your four year old self and let go of censoring him.

You can also push it out on to me, or onto the world, so you can see it more clearly: What are you believing about ME right now? What's true about the WORLD that you are so frustrated!!!!

st33med · 08-01-2010, 09:40 PM

How do I get in touch with my four year old self? I want to do that. Whatever it takes to acknowledge this.

I also acknowledged that post. I saw that I can't see my gremlin because he keeps feeding me the I can't thing.

ssandra · 08-01-2010, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Just wondering: does anyone reading this begin to see something of yourself here?

I'm remembering

And it is helping me, a lot, seeing others.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

I'll tell you where I did my boldest looking: all alone, all locked up by myself in the bathroom, where I felt safe to look, with no one watching or listening.

All my breakthroughs came just after I said " I give up. I cannot do this. I don't want to, maybe later, but not now. I cannot, I'm not strong enough right now".

And then, usually on the bathroom (I had a lot of diarrhea at those times, coincidence? I think not

) I realized something important..

It is painful. It hurts. And it takes a tremendous amount of courage to truly and fully accept "the truth" about yourself. Or at least, accept the truth as you have been believing it all this time. It is not easy.

And maybe the time isn't ready for you. Maybe you are not ready yet to take a 100% responsibility and prefer to just continue as you are right now. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a valid choice. Maybe at a later point you will be more capable to continue this search?

James81 · 08-01-2010, 09:46 PM

If it makes you feel any better, you've uncovered a couple of gremlins already.

I'm worthless for instance. It may not be THE gremlin, but it's probably A gremlin.

I'm stuck looks like another one. May not be holt ♥♥♥♥ gremlins, but they are gremlins nonetheless. You're making progress. Look for the pattern.

st33med · 08-01-2010, 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

You can also push it out on to me, or onto the world, so you can see it more clearly: What are you believing about ME right now? What's true about the WORLD that you are so frustrated!!!!

That you are so much better than me. I cannot be like that. I want to be so many things but I can't be like that RIGHT NOW. I want to have things done for me so I could help everyone.

Sandra, I don't want to give up now. I am close and I know it.

08-01-2010, 07:49 PM	#100 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	Columbo... Oh, just one more thing.... Most people never bother to take on such intense self-examination, Andrew, because it's confronting, because it can be frustrating. It takes some extraordinary resource to take it on, and see it through. And there is treasure on the other side. edit: I see that you have said, "Keep going, please, I want this gone." And it's up to you to be at cause -- you are 100% responsible for the results you get, as frustrating and headachy as I know that may occur for you! Keep going, Andrew -- if that's what's there for you to do -- and I think it is, because you just said it to the mirror. Keep going -- keep looking. "I can't, and that means that I am ________." I'll tell you where I did my boldest looking: all alone, all locked up by myself in the bathroom, where I felt safe to look, with no one watching or listening. Last edited by Angela; 08-01-2010 at 07:53 PM.

08-01-2010, 09:28 PM	#116 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	Andrew, it looks like you are trying to discover your gremlin and at the same time assert that it's not there. Your grown-up, figure-it-out mind knows your gremlin is not true ("I know I'm not powerless"), and it's in conflict with your little-kid self, who feels that yessirree it is so true (I can't!"! You didn't seem to see - or at least you didn't acknowledge -- my post at 12:22 (PDT). For this purpose, it might help you to just let go of being a grown up and being reasonable and rational -- because that is keeping the gremlin in place. Let yourself speak through the mouth of your four year old self and let go of censoring him. You can also push it out on to me, or onto the world, so you can see it more clearly: What are you believing about ME right now? What's true about the WORLD that you are so frustrated!!!! Last edited by Angela; 08-01-2010 at 09:31 PM.

08-01-2010, 09:40 PM	#117 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	How do I get in touch with my four year old self? I want to do that. Whatever it takes to acknowledge this. I also acknowledged that post. I saw that I can't see my gremlin because he keeps feeding me the I can't thing. Last edited by st33med; 08-01-2010 at 09:45 PM.

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08-01-2010, 07:11 PM	#94 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	It sorta fits. I can't explain it well. I was kept up by my frustration. I wanted to go after it. I could tell stories about how it works. But I can't see the bricks on the head moment.

08-01-2010, 07:11 PM	#95 (permalink)
secrets0stolen Retired Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: A Greyhound Station where I set my thoughts to far off destinations... Posts: 4,380	One thing that I saw in all your responses that Angela pointed out was just plain and simple, "I am not able". Which of course corresponds to powerless pretty directly, but I thought this wording might perhaps resonate.

08-01-2010, 07:22 PM	#96 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	Yup -- just like "I'm stuck" was as plain as the nose on my face, and I wasn't seeing it because to me, it wasn't a belief, it was REALITY. You have said, in one for or other, "I can't" over and over and over and over again. Take a look at your posts in this thread. "I can't" is all over the place -- in pretty much every post where you're feeling stress. Notice how you believe "I can't" at a deeply unconscious level. It could be that that's as deep as your unconscious is willing to go at the moment, and that's fine. It's a layer of the onion. It seems pretty clear that you believe "I can't" so deeply and thoroughly that it occurs like reality for you. "I don't know" is another layer of that same gremlin. No wonder you're frustrated, huh? Are you wiling to begin to see that it's this belief itself that keeps you from seeing itself? "I can't!" keeps you from seeing "I can't" == pretty effectively! It's very much like mine: if only I weren't so STUCK then I could see my gremlin! (which is, "I'm stuck.") I understand how frustrating that is!!!

08-01-2010, 07:26 PM	#97 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	I see and saw all that. My head hurts.

08-01-2010, 07:49 PM	#99 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	Keep going, please. I want this gone.

08-01-2010, 07:52 PM	#101 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	I find it so ironic that I said a little rut for my thread. I'm digging a hole and it's got something in it for me, no matter the frustration. It's all worth it in the end.

08-01-2010, 07:54 PM	#102 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	I know what you mean. When I started, I just wanted to find out why I was a little annoyed all the time.

08-01-2010, 08:06 PM	#103 (permalink)
James81 Banned Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,690	You seem so lost, st33med.

08-01-2010, 08:08 PM	#104 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	Why does that not hit me like a barrel of bricks? I CAN'T AND THAT MEANS I AM POWERLESS. I don't know. I know it is what I am looking for, but it doesn't make me go that's it.

08-01-2010, 08:10 PM	#105 (permalink)
James81 Banned Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,690	You can't what?

08-01-2010, 08:43 PM	#107 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	Because this isn't it. I don't know. I am so confused. I have no idea what this is anymore.

08-01-2010, 08:47 PM	#108 (permalink)
AlmostGodess Banned Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: France Posts: 6,053	Just take a break then. Vacuum clean your flat. Water your plants. Hide in your bathroom. It will hit you. It's inevitable!

08-01-2010, 08:52 PM	#109 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	I've been hiding for several hours already. Nothing has hit me.

08-01-2010, 08:57 PM	#110 (permalink)
AlmostGodess Banned Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: France Posts: 6,053	You want to control things and this is good. This is your purpose, right? What are your choices when nothing comes up after a few hours of hiding? Have you heard of the hedgehog syndrome? You look like one right now

08-01-2010, 09:04 PM	#111 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	I don't know, and no, I don't know what hedgehog symptom is.

08-01-2010, 09:07 PM	#112 (permalink)
AlmostGodess Banned Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: France Posts: 6,053	The hedgehog syndrome is when you hide and reject all proposals that come from outside. I invented the hedgehog syndrome

08-01-2010, 09:14 PM	#113 (permalink)
AlmostGodess Banned Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: France Posts: 6,053	I am going to bed. People with all kinds of problems are waiting for me to come in the office and find solutions for them. And you know what? I am going to leave all my gremlins aside and do my best for these people. It is a moment when my hedgehog comes out to play. I still have to learn to bring him out for my own joy too, but this will not be tomorrow. In the meantime, I take it as it is and try not to earn the price for the most stubborn person on this planet. Hugs, Andrew!

08-01-2010, 09:16 PM	#114 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	I am depressed now. I have been listening to everything actually and have been mulling it over and over in my head. I am still stuck at this thing where I say "I am silly, goofus, terrible, powerless, whatever" and I cannot get ANYTHING out!!! I am just pissed and tired of not getting results in my life like I want it. I just want to be able to feel satisfied with my results. I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE HELL I PROCRASTINATE. I want to know where I limit myself all the time to my laptop and make myself feel low because I compare to other people unconsciously. I just am sick and f*ing tired of being like this. I am not powerless at all . I just want an answer from deep in my unconcious, but nothing keeps coming up. NOTHING. I DON'T WANT NOTHING. I WANT SOMETHING**. AAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHHHHHHHH

08-01-2010, 09:46 PM	#119 (permalink)
James81 Banned Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,690	If it makes you feel any better, you've uncovered a couple of gremlins already. I'm worthless for instance. It may not be THE gremlin, but it's probably A gremlin. I'm stuck looks like another one. May not be holt ♥♥♥♥ gremlins, but they are gremlins nonetheless. You're making progress. Look for the pattern.

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