Have u ever realized something too late

[sinjon123]

like I've realized my mother has been administering severe punishment, she's been holding me back, in an act that doesnt bother her, that severe punishment is a facade, when she does it lightly as a hobby.


They keeping telling me, what i want and what i dont want in life....cos they dont want me to do anything above them.

my mother keeps punishing me severely and when im finished this college thing, she'll turn around and act like nothing happened, yet she's making me suffer right through my hardest times, and though she's heavily outrageous, she takes it lightly and denies ever doing it and goes around tinkle toed later.

My self-esteem is so low, I cant study, I cant do anything.

like for instance, i was making out the times im meant to take this antibiotic ive started as its a high dose, so i noting down the times to take it, and she started hatefully saying in a sing song manner, "oooh why do you *always(said in a hateful squeek like exorcist)*" back to sing-song "have to be sooo accurate all the time about everything all the time" (and preceeded to make me feel useless for noting in a diary the times of the antibiotics). As im so busy i might forget. If I create a plan, she does the same, then i dont follow the plan through

Last week, she said I was calling her dumb cos she denied being able to follow something, and she keeps doing this each time the message i tell her is positive or about me excelling but she can understand the negative and jump in to add to it

So out of the blue she starts putting me down, I say this is abuse.
And she turns around and says, Your always calling me dumb and I'll tell you you couldnt do the masters because your dumb, I've more brains in my little ffinger than you'll ever have"

I'm working on self-esteem at the moment with a counsellor, and each time i get a little better this happens. Plus, I have a weirdo in college bullying me since the first time, and they bully me online. So between everyone.

There's just this hatred each time i go to progress or succeed, i get attacked, or if i do an activity well no matter how irrelevant it is, its degraded.

Like the bullying from a person in college is shocking and im not going into it here, but theyre like a stalker, theyve watched my online activity, i cant say whom it is here but i do know who they are at college, and they really need to stop. Theyre taking the same approach, of watching everything i do, and turning it into something weird and bizzare, sinisterly using the internet as propoganda, and warping reality. And before you say anything its not anything related to home. Because it originally started in college and has remained there, with one particular person, who are fighting some uncomprehensible cause, each time i attempt to progress.

[sinjon123]

So anyways, I'm seeking very much help with self-esteem.

How do u manage self esteem, when people beat u down at the slightest inclination of an mere activity being a sucessful trait.

[sinjon123]

Its very hard, my mom was disraught today, whimpering like a child and screaming...cos she's invested all her savings in the Masters to help, and I may not be doing phd etc. cos of the things thats happened...she was very disraught today, with everything she feels like her reputation is destroyed, cos of all the screaming she's doing in the house and all the things going on, me telling the counsellor etc. my college privacy being broken online etc.

its very hard, and it breaks my heart seeing her like this, cos she seems out of it, ive tried helping, i keep getting the backlash.

and i cant pay her initially, and im not sure if ill be able to get a job

though she constantly hurts me, why i see her so disraught, i feel really sad and just cry...

i dont know what to do anymore, ive tried everything to help, she does try to emotionally blackmail me about the money....saying her life is over and she's given me all her money...but she makes generalizations which arent always true....im worried about her, i dunno what else to do? there's something wrong and even though she tries to give me the guilt conscience and tommorrow she'll be acting like nothing ever happened and denies remembering it, or in general, insults me....i cant help but feel sad, guilty cos her life isnt going well, that she keeps making me responsible for not living her life to the max or fulfillingly, but its not my fault, i seem to be the centre of her life and she creates worries that arent there about me sometimes to keep her mind preoccupied....and she blames me that she's dedicating her mind to be by praying obssessively but at the same time she constantly puts me down and persecutes every little thing i do, i cant move / she's controlling and opressing me each time i start to rise up again she punishes me, goes into rages.

im at a loss. this has only happened since 2006, there;s something wrong and my family are neglecting the fact and ostracing me for bringing to attention and seeking help from the counsellor...

im also suffering incredibly from her rages or dimishing remarks, then she's all lovely dovey and its all over the place

but i feel like it wont be too long before she might be developing something uncurable, cos she's getting progressively worse. I'm not sure if its isolation/loneliness/just circumstantial due to money issues or whether, its just a facade to control? cos she's not happy until, i just sit down and do nothing all day, but when im doing things and busy her temper swells...

im very empathic, and a sucker for feeling sad and guilty for people, and she knows that .... she's been lying with many things lately, im not sure if its a fear of her that once i get this masters im independent, and she has a fear that i dont need her then, its making her rage

cos ive repeatedly told her id pay her back, im the kind of person if someones kind to me, ill give it back doubly when im capable and strong enough to do so...like if i get a job in sept. id be paying her 300 euro a week, and she'd have her money back in no time, and id give her so much then to help support her for the rest of her life.....so i cant see why im being made suffer so much by her....she told me she'll make me suffer and she wont stop until i respect her, but i do respect her all the time and try to help her....i said an employer complimented my references and she turned bitter and started a big fight, and i never thought she was like that

but then she offered to pay my college fees, and was all happy and joyous...and then the next day, she exploded again and said she wasnt

it seems like she wants to say when i should and shouldnt be happy, like when she was offering the fees, after telling me she wouldnt, she felt like she was the administer of my happiness, but when others are kind to me, she denies it, tries to come up with stories to turn me against the person, and tell me to stay away from them...

[BitterFlower]

Here are my suggestions:

1) Stop accepting any more help from your mom. If your Masters program ends within the next year, you can weigh whether you need help or not. But after that point, cut it off. Some people hold offering help over other people's head. My brother used to do this to me and I told him that I need no more help.

2) Stop engaging your mother. If you come home and she complains, do not respond, just smile and nod or whatever you need to do to get out of her way. If she follows you, leave the house for a little while (not in a nasty way, say you're going to the store or to study), and come back later.

3) Don't engage stalkers. Tell them you will call the police then block them. If they contact you, call the police and that is that. I don't have stalkers or many problems because I don't engage in other folks' nonsense.

4) Start looking for another place to live now. Even if you can't afford it, it would be good to know of a place you can move into quickly when the time comes. This helped me twice--once when my apartment flooded and I wasn't taking the apartment's BS (moved within a week); and once when I was staying with a family member and things got too wild (moved in one day).

Hope to help and hang in there.

[Optimistic Journey]

I agree with @bitterflower above. I believe the self-esteem classes will help you. Continue going to them and get as much out of them as you can. I believe some of the things that they teach you in those classes will help you greatly in this situation.

It's important to realize that you are accomplished and that no one can bring you down. Like @bitterflower said, don't engage in negative conversations just let them go over your head. There will come a point in time where you may have to tune even your mother out.

I believe for the stalker, you have to totally ignore them. The thing about the stalker, is they have no ties to you. They are not blood related so you don't have to feel like you are obligated to him in anyway.