how do I improve my powers of observation?

[otternell]

Hi all - this is my first post. I have read several of Steve's articles and have been quite impressed.

I have a little dilemma and am hoping someone might give me some good ideas to try and solve it.

My hubby and I are remodeling our home. I work full-time, he works on the house full-time. I travel for work a lot - last year 6 months, every week straight. Even when I don't travel, I am not a very observant person.

I have totally missed haircuts of his for days. When I am gone for a week at a time, we pretty much "play" the game of "can she figure out what I did / what changed while she was gone" - I always lose and come out looking like a jerk. I can't deal with it any more because it is just additional stress I don't need.

Here is the real issue - I am about to discuss some serious issues with him and I think he will bring this up. I need him to make some changes and one of them is to stop with this stupid game. But in exchange / good faith, I want to show that I can be more observant and notice things better.

Any clues as to how to practice good observation skills?

[dor]

Draw/ carry a sketch book, learn how to draw (see the book drawing on the right side of the brain

check out the before afters:
Gallery
thats NOT from learning a motor skill but learning how to SEE

pick up photography as a hobby or bird watching....which requires concentration and observation.

[Dharma]

otternell,
Your home is a reflection of you. You're having trouble observing yourself (home) and you make yourself feel like a jerk for your lack of awareness. And you add stress to that because you're going into the future thinking you should have the awareness to notice things which you didn't. And you berate yourself about that too.

Now, your home is in a state of change, so you are in a state of change, but you're angry you can't find what's changed.

You have to stop this "stupid game" with yourself, not your hubby. Do you ever say "I don't like the game because I'm not very observant, can you show me what you did last week"?

Also, "Honey, will you be upset if I don't notice all of your work? I really stress about it."

Ok, now to the observation part. You know how to observe stuff, but where's your head at? Are you continually not paying attention to the now? Are your thoughts about what you have to do next, lists of things to accomplish, and/or problems from the past? Do you ever slow down to take it all in?

Or, do you not care about the little changes that happen week to week, and you just want to see it done? Are you not interested in the incremental steps of remodelling? Be honest with yourself.

Is it wrong if you're not interested in the changes?

Here, I'm talking about your home but its really an expanded awareness of yourself you are asking for. Starting here and asking questions in this forum is a good start.

[otternell]

wow - I had not thought about it that way Dharma - thank you.

I have said something about it before, and he has said something along the lines of he doesn't feel like I notice his work and give him credit for his efforts. I have tried to pay more attention, but I have a difficult time sticking with it.

I am barely ever in the present moment - even know I am having to pull my brain back to this because it is wandering to other worries.

And you are right - I just want it done. I am so sick of being in the middle of this (its been going for 5 years - we added a second story, replaced all windows, doors, walls, siding). I'm just exhausted and when I think of all that is left to do, I start crying. He gets excited talking about next steps, I put on a brave face.

I think you have the right idea. Thank you for a deeper perspective.

[Liara Covert]

Hi otternell,

I really like Dharma's posting concerning your inquiry. We sometimes forget or don't realize people and circumstances in our lives reflect aspects of ourselves. Consider your life as a mirror for your feelings. This is like a friendly reminder of things you may not be consciously acknowledging or discussing when this would likely make you feel much better.

Since you mention your would really like the home remodelling over and done, I would encourage you to step back and see what you can enjoy about the process of change. After all, your life is a journey. You can choose to take advantage of and benefit from what you learn about yourself and your life. That can be fun as you go. You needn't rush the changes so you can get nostalgic about what has already passed you by.

[Angela]

Otternell, I would guess that your husband might be fishing for appreciation. Perhaps he plays this game with you, and punishes you when you "lose", out of an urge to be appreciated for the work he does on the house, which he does for you. Do you think that might be so?

I'm not saying this to add to your stress or to lessen what YOU contribute to the relationship; just looking at what may be his point of view. What do you think about experimenting by giving him a rampage of appreciation? Acknowledge him for doing the things you do notice, and if you can't see anything in particular, let him know how much you admire and are grateful to him for continually making your home a more beautiful, livable, and love-filled sanctuary for you to return and cocoon with him after your stressful travels.

You might want to request help from him during a neutral moment, before you bring up your serious issues: "Honey, would you please show me all the things you've done while I've been gone so that I can fully grok them? It's not easy for me to see the details, and I would love to be able to appreciate every bit of love you've put into this house. It would mean a lot to me if you would help me with this."

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by otternell

Any clues as to how to practice good observation skills?

Here's a couple of exercises you can do.

1) Focus on one object for around 20 seconds, then close your eyes and try to imagine the object exactly as you saw it. Practice once a day for a week with the same object.

2) Look straight ahead for around 20 seconds, not paying particular attention to any one thing. After 20 seconds turn around (or leave the room) and write down everything about everything you saw. All the details you can remember. Do this once a day for a week and see how much more you notice at the end of the week compared to the start. Keep doing it with different scenes/parts of the house. Not only will that improve your observations skills in general, but it'll be clear when something in the house changes.

I'd also suggest meditation to improve your ability to relax and focus.