Help me escape my self-created hell

[szon]

Dear friends,

I have been creating my own hell and I need some different perspectives to help me.

I feel like i have sabotaged all my decision making capabilities. I have become utterly fearful, clinging to the need to make a perfect decision, and utterly fearful of 'falling behind', and failing.

After reading a lot of self development material, I became highly self-conscious about everything, worried that i was doing things wrong. This gradually led to me eroding my own self-trust. I used to be a highly creative, spontaneous, engaged person. Now I've let myself become this meek, indecisive, depressed person. I'm desperately looking for an out. My mental faculties have become all screwy as I engage in constant self-analysis and cannot trust any decision i make. I have lost all touch with my intuition.

I am scared that if I don't do something soon I'll probably become suicidal because the pain of this existence is becoming unbearable. I have abandoned all my power to everyone, everything. I have no sense of authority and really I am struggling to find my way back.

I have missed deadlines for application because I just could not find my voice while writing and everytime i started writing applications, I shriveled away with fear. Everytime I started writing again with motivation, I let myself attack myself with thoughts like "see, you could have done this before...this would have been a better application etc."

Everytime I start to act, I quickly succumb to fear of not being good enough, not being able to 'catch up', 'falling behind', and needing to read how Steve or someone else would think about all of this.

I exhaust myself without doing anything. Please help me.

[st33med]

You worry to much about failure. Do not fear about what might happen. Your fear clouds what you can do. Don't listen to what you think you can't do.

[maclinda]

Originally Posted by szon

I am scared that if I don't do something soon I'll probably become suicidal because the pain of this existence is becoming unbearable.

I exhaust myself without doing anything. Please help me.

FIRST: Call a suicide hotline, 911, or however you can access mental health care quickly. Tell them what is quoted above. You sound like you have become dangerously depressed. That needs to be addressed before any other thing. Please promise me you won't "do anything drastic" and will get help for that. Remember that depression is a chemical imbalance of your brain's chemicals and can be treated.

THEN: just try small, little consequence actions and make note of your successes. That will build your self esteem and confidence.

Don't do the second step before the first.