Goal setting for Dummies (me)

[JHL]

Someone once dryly noted that the reason most people dont achieve goals in their life, is simply because they failed to set any.

I am one such person. On paper, I have achieved quite a lot in my life. Good job, good prospects, good relationship, etc etc. However none of it by design.

In moments of introspection, I frequently catch myself saying "How did I get here?" I shake my head in wonderment at how I ended up in this job. How I ended up in the relationship I'm in, or the city I now live in. I dont recall actually choosing any of it, rather it all just happened to me along the way.

So whats the problem? The problem is I'm not terribly happy.

The sensible approach, would therefore be to determine what would make me happy and to set some goals. Only as odd as it sounds - I dont actually know what I want. I have some vague conception of wanting to live comfortably, wanting a happy relationship, kids, travel after retirement, etc. In other words a regurgitated facsimile of a conventional societal paradigm. Er, that is, the kind of life I've been conditioned to want. I just dont know what I want.

Can anyone relate? Any thoughts? I've read Steve's article on determing purpose. Great article, I tried it and even arrived at a place that resonated with me...but I how do I want it? I mean, to what degree are you living your life by design, and to what degree have you just ended up in places and dont really know how you got there? It would be nice to hear other people's stories.

[Acting Like Godot]

I went through a phase of being very interested in understanding my own personality. I found the Enneagram very helpful. Also, Myer-Briggs. And the Gallup Strengthsfinder.

At the end of that phase, I felt that I knew myself better. It became easier to set goals that were personally meaningful (as opposed to goals which resemble some regurgitated facsimile of some societal paradigm). Because goals which are meaningful to one personality type may well not be meaningful to another personality type. Different motivations drive the different personality types.

If you read some books on goal-setting, eg Brian Tracy, you will also find various ideas/exercises/thought experiments that help you determine what you really want for yourself. One example would be a value-clarification exercise. Eg one person's top five values may be "Loyalty / Teamwork / Honesty / Forgiveness / Generosity". Another person's top five values may be "Achievement / Knowledge / Creativity / Determination / Courage". Identifying your personal values may help you to understand what kind of goals really matter to you and why.

At some earlier stage of my life, I did often have the "I'm not sure how I ended up here" feeling. But I don't have it any more. Nowadays I definitely have plans for my life - not just one or two aspects, but many aspects: career, family, finances, health, spiritual, social contribution etc.

I think it is extremely useful to set goals with different time-frames. Eg goals with a 10-year timeframe; goals with a 5-year timeframe; goals for the year; goals for the next 3 months; weekly goals; daily goals. That very much adds up to a life by design.

But I should add that it's also important to review, adjust & revise your goals from time to time. Circumstances change; new experiences alter your beliefs and attitudes; you may feel drawn towards new types of goals; whereas previous goals may become less interesting; insufficiently challenging; or no longer feasible.

Here are examples of goals with different time-frames - click here, here, here and here.

[Shaden]

Perhaps you should make your goal acceptance of your current situation and find happiness in the actual process of goal-setting and goal achievment?

[rene_stpierre]

JHL ... as I was reading your post, I really felt like I was reading my Biography (up until 1 year ago) ! So, I can relate 100%.

I'm 34 and until 1 year ago, I never had written goals, did not have a life purpose and didn't really knew what I wanted long term, aside from the usual enough money, cosy retirement, etc as you wrote. I didn't even know if I wanted kids until my wife and I began talking about it !

Yet, life has treated me very well also; good career and well paid, beautiful wife, amazing kids (1 year old girl and 3 year old boy), nice house.

However, things were pretty tough in 2004 and 2005. The birth of our first child changed our life more than we expected, I had a very hard time getting motivated to go to work. During that time, my wife and I came very close to a separation and I almost burned-out.

Then, in January 2006, I stumbled on the book "The Success Principles" from Jack Canfiled. It completely transformed the way I look at life. This book not only looks at goal setting, it looks at everything required to succeed in life. I consider this as one of the most important turning point in my life.

Now, I have a life purpose and I have goals (long term and short term). Every day I take actions that get me closer to these goals. I changed my habits and mind set to align myself for success.

Ok, enough reflection. All this to say that I was where you are and now I know where I am going. So, you can do it too!

Now, how do you know what you really want ?

There are many methods and exercices to know this. Most self-improvement books will have these and personality tests can also help. Here are a few questions that have helped me figure it out:
- If you were to win a huge amount of cash at the lottery, after the year of traveling, the spending, the partying, after the dust settles down ... how would you spend your days ?
- What do you love so much doing in life that you would be willing to do it for free?
- What is so important and vital to you that you would do anything to get it (compare this need as the need for water and food)?
-If you were to attend your funeral and your best friend, your wife and one of your kids were to speak up in front of the audience, what would you want them to say about you and your life?

You see, it's not just about goals. You need to know deep inside what you want. If your goals are not a true need or desire, you will not be able to stay motivated to reach them.

So, another key is Passion. Those who succeed have found a way to earn a living doing what they love the most.

Bottom line, the tools and information to help you figure out what you want exist. You just need to find them.

One final thought ... once you know what you want ... make sure you see the movie "The Secret". It is an amazing movie that talks about the law of Attraction (or the mindset you need to have to get anything you want in life).

Good Luck!
René

[icesar]

Acting Like Godot: Thanks for your post, I think the stage that you describe is the one that I'm in now! I'm working on understanding myself and my personality better and I'm still not too sure what I want or what goals to set. Hope this means that there's a light at the end of the tunnel

[JHL]

Hi guys, thanks very much for your replies. They were all very helpful and got me thinking...

@ Acting: thanks for your post, I think starting out with understanding my personality make-up is a great departure point. I think I really do need to get to know myself better and undertand what makes me tick. I would say my fundamental problem is that I'm not really in touch with myself. I 'feel' but I'm not really in touch with my feelings, they seem seperate from me and as a result nothing really motivates me. I think in my youth I created a rational bunker to shield myself from a reality I perceived to be very threatening. I'm probably digressing, but I suspect the techniques you mention may help me to chip away at my mental defenses and reach the person inside. Thanks again for your input.

@ Shaden

Well thats a good idea - in fact if you see what I wrote above, I consider the process of self-discovery and enormously exciting one. For me, finding myself, acepting and being happy with myself will be the greatest state of being I can imagine.

@ Rene

Thanks for sharing your story Rene, I'm glad that you can relate! I'm also 34, btw. And well done for overcoming a hurdle I'm still trying to clamber over. The questions you raise about "If you could do anything..." I've always found interesting. And, to be sure, its not hard for me to answer them. I know exactly what I would want to be doing. The problem is I have a somewhat skeptical (& fatalistic/negative) mind, so when I contemplate my dream, I have a hard time accepting that it can be anything other than a dream - even though its nothing unrealistic at all!

I think I have some underlying beliefs about life that I need to explore. I grew up perceiving the world to be a dangerous place. My father left when I was 7 and his replacement used to have daily shouting and screaming matches with my mother, which used to terrify me. I created mental defences. I began to colour my perceptions with a poor me "some you win, but most you lose" victim type mentality.

As I matured I eventually discarded the poor me attitude and empowered myself. However I have not been able to shake the underlying feeling/belief that the world is out to get me. That disaster is just around the corner. As you might imagine, its therefore hard to plan ahead and remain positive when you think that whatever you do is ultimately going to end very badly.

Its not easy for me to write about myself in all my wounded grandeur. I much prefer to play the wise-aleck smartass role (probably another defense). But I'm doing it because I sense that I need help with it, and other people's feedback can bring the type of objectivity or insight that I'm so far failed to produce myself.

So thank you all againg for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

[HappytheStripper]

Statement:

Many people set goals and then assume the path to reach the goal will require suffering and sacrifice – a recipe for failure..

Question:

So what is the mindset we use to create our goals whether they be short term or long term.. ??

I have listed 8 goals.. that currently create a one step forward 7 steps back mindset.. and ask myself about the psychological aspects of goal setting.. and the mindsets we use to create goals..

SET GOALS

GOAL NUMBER TWO

To reach goal number one

GOAL NUMBER ONE

To complete number two

GOAL NUMBER THREE

Move forward to goal number four

GOAL NUMBER FOUR

To reach goal number three

GOAL NUMBER FIVE

To remember what goal number three was

GOAL NUMBER SIX

To reach goal number three

GOAL NUMBER SEVEN

Move forward to goal number four

GOAL NUMBER EIGHT

RESET GOALS

HTS aka Ashley