I need some advice... (urgent!)

[solitairess]

I moved recently, and it's been tough. But the last 24 hours have just been one shock after the other. I'm so exhausted I really don't know what to do right now. I'm hoping I can post this, go to sleep, then wake up with a clear head and some good advice..
A lot of things are going on right now, but it's really only worth mentioning the most difficult. I moved recently, pretty much out of the blue, and have gotten myself into a difficult situation. I'm young, and female, I don't yet have a source of income, and the rent is due.. So I've slept with guys for money. I guess for some people it's not too big of a deal(?). But I've hated every minute of it. Some parts of the day, I just hate my life. It's making me very depressed, but I have no one to turn to, so what else can I do?? I have a really close friend back where I used to live, and I felt like I couldn't hide this any longer, so I finally told him... I really feel like, even though I hate it, I can put up with this for another month or so until I have a regular job. But my friend.. he had a meltdown. I no longer know if I'm just more open minded about this/looking at it with a different perspective, or if I've become numb/am in denial. Is this really so horrible?? He said he wants me to move in with him, and he'll pay the rent/bills/whatever, just to get me out of that situation. This is where it gets tough... This is where our values are in different places. If I go back... I can most likely get a job, where at this time of year, there are a lot of overtime hours. So I may have an extra $400 a month to put into savings. But, I would be away for two or three months, I would still have to pay rent for this apartment, and I would be throwing my life here away. When I moved back, I would have to start all over again! If I stay here, I don't have that problem, I can keep improving my relationships with people here. The bad part is, I currently hate my life, and am pretty stressed out most of the time. The worst part is, if I keep doing what I'm doing to get money, I'll probably ruin my relationship with one of the most important people in my life. The perfect situation would be, someone just gives me enough money to get by until I find a job, then I could slowly pay off all my debts, and afford all my bills, and stay in this lovely area, and keep my relationship with my wonderful friend. I hope this is making sense. I'm so exhausted right now I have a headache. I'm going to pass out as soon as I post this... So mainly... What do all of you think? What are the first thoughts that come to you? What do you think would be the best thing for me to do? and what are your thoughts on prostitution (because that's basically what a part-time girlfriend is).

[spirit4711]

Wow that's something...

This is what I get out of it:

- you suddenly moved into a new (expensive?) place without a source of income

- you prostitute yourself, hate it but it does bring in money

- your friend wants to take care of you but that would mean 'leaving my life here behind' and still paying rent (why? can't you end the lease?)

It seems you were impulsive in getting this new place to live without any income. You might look at that before making a new impulsive decision. You chose to paint yourself into this corner, now the question is: how to get out of that corner?

What is it that you really want? What can you do to make money in other ways?

[solitairess]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Wow that's something...

This is what I get out of it:

- you suddenly moved into a new (expensive?) place without a source of income

- you prostitute yourself, hate it but it does bring in money

- your friend wants to take care of you but that would mean 'leaving my life here behind' and still paying rent (why? can't you end the lease?)

It seems you were impulsive in getting this new place to live without any income. You might look at that before making a new impulsive decision. You chose to paint yourself into this corner, now the question is: how to get out of that corner?

What is it that you really want? What can you do to make money in other ways?

I don't think it was impulsive at all.. I've been wanting to move here for over a year, and then out of nowhere I finally got an opportunity, and though I wasn't completely prepared, I went with it because I thought I would find a job much more quickly. I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and going back sounds horrible. I feel like the next phase of my life takes place here. and I can't just leave.. I'm on a year lease, my roommate would be abandoned, and I would only be gone for as short as possible (probably two or three months).

[solitairess]

also... what are your thoughts on prostitution? I want to know if I have become numb/am in denial to make this a bearable situation, or if my friend really did just overreact.

[spirit4711]

Prostitution is a job -you like it or you don't. I don't have moral problems with it.

The question for you is: does it harm you?

On your other points: can you find another job, or not?

[Orca]

Hi Solitairess,

What other people think of prostitution isn't nearly as important as what you think of it for yourself.

It sounds like you hate it, and that it's making you hate your life.

That's pretty rough. I think you already have your answer. Asking other people what they think won't help. Why does it matter? After all, if you were really ok with prostituting yourself, you probably wouldn't need to ask. It wouldn't have you hating your life. It would just be a sense of it-is-what-it-is.

Logically, ok maybe one can rationalize that prostitution isn't that bad, depending on the person. I supposed it can become a sort of moral or philosophical debate. But that simply doesn't help you. Maybe your friend really does see prostitution differently. That's certainly understandable, is it not? Many people are desperate for cash, but not all resort to prostitution. I'm not surprised he had a meltdown, but I am surprised that it somehow surprised you. If he cared about you, of course he'd be upset. He sees you are literally cheapening and selling yourself, and he knows you deserve so much better. He knows you are prostituting yourself, all for the idea of some temporary freedom in a new town.

Given that you do have choices to move back and save some money rather than prostitution, I can understand why your friend and other folks (including me) might find the the route you're going rather puzzling. I guess I'm not quite following your reasoning. I mean, it begs the obvious question of why can't you go back, save some money, and then move? Why would you force yourself into this kind of self-hateful situation? Why is a little bit of delayed gratification to develop a more solid plan not an option? Is it worth it to prostitute yourself like this? Part of growing up and creating your own life is making solid, good decisions for yourself...

I can't help feeling that, on some level, you already know that what you're doing is too emotionally costly. It's making you hate your life. It's making you worry about keeping relationships. So why would you want to do more of it? Unless you really don't care about yourself, it seems you'd only hurt yourself more. You deserve more from life than this. Surely you know that, yes?

You have choices. It isn't hopeless. Look within, listen to your heart, and take right action.

Regards,

Orca

[Sean Chappell]

Originally Posted by solitairess

also... what are your thoughts on prostitution? I want to know if I have become numb/am in denial to make this a bearable situation, or if my friend really did just overreact.

I think a better question would be what are your thoughts on prostitution? It doesn't sound like you're happy with having to resort to it. If it's bringing you down, stop doing it.

I have no problem with sexual promiscuity. You wanna have sex, then have sex! Sex is good and sex is beautiful -- just be safe about it. Use condoms and don't get pregnant. I bet a baby at the moment would further hamper your efforts to improve your life.

Prostitution is different. I think it comes with a lot of preconceived notions about how it's conducted and what can be done by either party. You're getting someone's money for sex. It's my firm belief that money is seen as more important than people in our society. Chances are your 'John's' are thinking the same thing making you less important than the cash they've laid down. Eventually you're going to meet someone ugly enough who'll take that dogma to extremes and you'll end up getting abused -- or worse.

Ask yourself some questions about your new life. What are you trying to build ? Is it worth getting hurt over? Is it worth the trouble that you're currently experiencing? Can you build a new life from the position you're in?

Sounds like you friend is very generous. He's offered you a place to stay. You'll be able to find work and make an income. You won't have to prostitute anymore. Maybe there you could save up some money and try again when you're better prepared. Any reason why you shouldn't do that?

Walk away sweety. Walk away.

[ssandra]

I believe there is nothing wrong with prostitution, but there is something wrong with the way it makes you feel.

I would have answered the exact same way if you were talking about working in a factory or call center or wherever.

It makes you feel like you hate your life. No money is worth that.

Your (wonderful) friend feels that it doesn't make you happy. I don't believe it is as much the prostitution as it is what he sees that it does to you.

If he says you can live with him, and you can get a job there easily... why not do it for a while? With that money you pay the rent for your current apartment and you can give yourself some time mentally and emotionally to heal.

From that position on you can start looking for a job in your new area. I'm not sure how far they are apart, but if it is doable to go there and back in 1 day, I would do it.

Another option is to start looking for a new roommate for your roommate. There may be people willing to rent an apartment for just a few months to get a feel for the city...?

Anyway: The most important thing is that you take good care of yourself. Don't look at the money, look at how it makes you feel about yourself.

[srujacobs]

Hi, I understand the "easiness" and temptation of getting money for sex. However, honestly, you could probably be making as much at a strip club and not having actual sex. It may have been a mistake to tell your friend--some people cannot handle such ugly truths, but since he is offering to help why don't you pledge to him not to have sex for money and ask for his help for the rent. Also in most places the rental laws prevent you from getting kicked out for another month or so after you stop paying. Maybe you can use that time to apply to as many potential jobs as possible. Just tell them that you've saved up to move to this new place and you're now in the job search mode. Turn away from the easy money, because the toll can be greater than you think.