Wanting freedom but also not wanting it. make sense?

[Rockchick26]

I have a strange dilemma. Lately I've really been thinking a lot about living a simpler life and cutting down on living costs (rent/mortgage basically, since that's about 75% of most people's bills). I also have this urge to create distance between me and my family, and I often daydream about crossing the country in an RV or something and just seeing all the states, and being on my own and being free. This feeling fills me up and it makes me excited that I can do this if I put my mind to it. I love going on vacations, which I don't get to do nearly often enough. I feel like I could go on a vacation every month.

On the flip side, I usually am happy to come home from a trip, and at least partially welcome myself back to my comfortable apartment. But I also get this sinking lonely depressing feeling sometimes when I imagine myself in a situation, far from home (home being where I currently live), for example if I am sleeping on a friend's couch or in a tent somewhere alone, I would feel uncomfortable and isolated and homesick.

How can I feel both sides of the coin? Is living that kind of life only for people with no families to miss back home? Do people that live that kind of life ever get incredibly homesick and scared just knowing they're in the middle of nothing familiar with nobody that knows them? I sometimes love that feeling and then I can also see where it would be very painful for me.
This sounds bad to say, but sometimes I even think far ahead into the future when my parents aren't around anymore, how I would roam the country and be free and not have to worry about my parents worrying about me or wondering where I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm with. Maybe I was just overly smothered and that's making me want to escape. But how do I know the reason behind why I feel this way, and how will I know if escaping is the answer? I know, I have to try it in order to see. Well, that's not really something you can just try, because first I would have to sell most of my belongings, buy an RV, and move out of my apartment. There is no turning back after that. Or is there? Maybe there is a solution I'm not seeing.

But mostly I just want to know how I can so strongly want to escape and be alone out there in the world without anyone knowing where I am, yet equally as strongly feel safe here near my family and friends and my familiar town I have lived in my whole life.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

This feeling fills me up and it makes me excited that I can do this if I put my mind to it.

I usually am happy to come home from a trip, and at least partially welcome myself back to my comfortable apartment.

sometimes I even think far ahead into the future when my parents aren't around anymore, how I would roam the country and be free and not have to worry about my parents worrying about me or wondering where I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm with.

I think you expect one choice to be perfect and not to have any ''unpleasant' consequences. It seems to me you're afraid of making the ''wrong'' choice'', like there's no going back.
In my opinion, it's normal to feel excited about going away and coming back.

You're parents will worry about you no matter where you are or what you do. Do you really think if they were not around you'd feel free to do whatever you want? It strikes me that your worrying about them worrying ( ) is just an excuse for you not to act.

You use the word escape. Is it really from your parents? Could it be that now you're feeling a bit confused and you're hoping that by escaping you'd find some clarity?

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I have to try it in order to see. Well, that's not really something you can just try, because first I would have to sell most of my belongings, buy an RV, and move out of my apartment. There is no turning back after that. Or is there? Maybe there is a solution I'm not seeing.

I'd say just the opposite. If you don't try it how would you know if you can do it and enjoy it?
You can do it if you put your mind to it and if it is really something you want.

I don't know if you've seen Steve's videos on creating abundance, he talks about courage, I'm sure you'll find it helpful.

You can do it! You're a Rockchick!

[BrettAshlee]

There are less permanent options than buying an RV. I have a friend who has twice left the country on year-long backpacking trips. You could also put your things in storage and ride bicycle across the country, or travel by bus.

[Wildside]

You should just do it Rockchick...it is the only way you will know whether you like that lifestyle or not, if you don't do it you will regret it the rest of your life. We really only regret the things we didn't do not the things we did. I did something similar about 10 years ago. I had a good job on the east coast of canada and my family all lived there. I felt the same way you do now. I finally worked up the courage and quit my job, sold all my stuff and packed my old piece of crap ford tempo with whatever I had left. I drove down to Key West Florida, then over to California and some of mexico and eventually after a little over 2 months of wandering drove up to Vancouver on canada's west coast. It was the freest 2 months of my life, the only reason I headed to Vancouver was because I was running low on funds, if I had of had more money I would have stayed out longer. I loved waking up every morning and looking at the map and deciding where I would go that day. Now I am quite happy where I am but still get the urge to just go wandering again...I think I probably will at some point. Anyway, I would say just do it, you can always go back home if you find out you don't like it. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

[freddy]

Looking back, I wish that I would have traveled back when I was younger and before I had kids. With internet you can search for people to couch surf a few nights to save money. Or find camp sites to stay at. Maybe hit up some folks on here you know for a place to crash for a few days or so. That would be my advice. I had a little bit of money back when I was younger but my parent were overly protective. So they would put the fear monster in my head over and over again. I wish Steve's forum was around back then, to help straighten me out. With cell phones and internet, you’re able to keep in contact with all your loved ones. And If things don't work out for some reason. I'm sure your parent will take you in. Some question to think about. What do you think might change for the better in staying where your at? At what point will you pick up the oar in the boat, and start controlling the boat? "Row, Row, Row, your boat" gently down the stream? Are you controlling the boat now, or just drifting, hoping not to hit the big rocks in the river? Are you getting any younger? If not now, then when will it be a good time to go? Short of a major accident happening to you. Will you be any worse off, to the point you can't pick up and start over again, from there? Nothing ventured. Nothing gained. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Tanja

I think you expect one choice to be perfect and not to have any ''unpleasant' consequences. It seems to me you're afraid of making the ''wrong'' choice'', like there's no going back.
In my opinion, it's normal to feel excited about going away and coming back.

That's exactly it, that's how I am with every aspect of my life...if a choice doesn't feel 100% right, it ruins it for me. But then I never do ANYTHING!

You're parents will worry about you no matter where you are or what you do. Do you really think if they were not around you'd feel free to do whatever you want? It strikes me that your worrying about them worrying ( ) is just an excuse for you not to act.

Yes if I lived in another state, I could do whatever I wanted, they wouldn't find out. Right now I have to hide things from them. I can't tell them what I do, where I am, who I'm with, because they'll say that's stupid or why are you spending money on stuff like that or why are you doing that, you should be doing this or why are you hanging out with that person, etc. I only talk to my parents once every week or two because it's the only way I can create any space right now. But if I lived somewhere else, I wouldn't feel like I need to get away from them. I could have my own life independent of anyone.

You use the word escape. Is it really from your parents? Could it be that now you're feeling a bit confused and you're hoping that by escaping you'd find some clarity?

It's for a lot of reasons. I do need to get away from my parents, I need to feel more independent, I want to see the country, and I want to try out a few different jobs that involve traveling. When I say "escape" it means from the state I'm in, from my parents, from my life here where I'm stuck. When people go on vacation, they don't rent a hotel in their own town, they escape their surroundings and go somewhere completely different. That's what I want. I've lived here my whole life and I just feel like I'm too sheltered and haven't seen enough of the world.

I'd say just the opposite. If you don't try it how would you know if you can do it and enjoy it?

Yeah I guess intead of selling everything I could just put it all in storage. But I don't know how I can "try" traveling unless I actually buy an RV first. I don't know anyone else who has one, and even renting one costs way more than I can afford, you might as well buy one then. And just staying in hotels would be way too expensive, I would want to do this for many months so I'd need my own place to sleep.

I don't know if you've seen Steve's videos on creating abundance, he talks about courage, I'm sure you'll find it helpful.

Yes I have seen them and I've been raving about them quite often, actually! But I haven't seen any syncronicities about my plan yet, if something were to come about, I would jump on it. This is a situation where I need a little help though, I have the courage but I haven't gotten anything to grab onto yet. Like if somebody had a cheap RV to sell and offered me a good deal on it, I would not be a fool and let that go by!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by BrettAshlee

There are less permanent options than buying an RV. I have a friend who has twice left the country on year-long backpacking trips. You could also put your things in storage and ride bicycle across the country, or travel by bus.

Yeah I've looked into those options, traveling by bus doesn't give me anywhere to sleep or shower though, I couldn't sleep in a bus seat. Besides I would want to travel in something that is big enough that I could carry whatever I own with me (my laptop, my books, my clothes, some dvd's, my trampoline, my exercise ball, and be able to cook my own food. I want this to be a lifestyle, not just a vacation. Traveling on public transportation isn't the same as having your own house connected to your vehicle so it wouldn't really give me a good enough idea of how it would be. I hate sleeping in tents so I wouldn't want to do anything where I would have to sleep outdoors.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Wildside

You should just do it Rockchick...it is the only way you will know whether you like that lifestyle or not, if you don't do it you will regret it the rest of your life. We really only regret the things we didn't do not the things we did. I did something similar about 10 years ago. I had a good job on the east coast of canada and my family all lived there. I felt the same way you do now. I finally worked up the courage and quit my job, sold all my stuff and packed my old piece of crap ford tempo with whatever I had left. I drove down to Key West Florida, then over to California and some of mexico and eventually after a little over 2 months of wandering drove up to Vancouver on canada's west coast. It was the freest 2 months of my life, the only reason I headed to Vancouver was because I was running low on funds, if I had of had more money I would have stayed out longer. I loved waking up every morning and looking at the map and deciding where I would go that day. Now I am quite happy where I am but still get the urge to just go wandering again...I think I probably will at some point. Anyway, I would say just do it, you can always go back home if you find out you don't like it. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Wow! This was fun to read. I would LOVE to wake up and find a new place to visit every day!! It would be nice to have a savings, but right now I am in the hole (can't pay bills cuz i'm unemployed, economy sucks) so that's also why i'm spending so much time dreaming about this because I see no way out with this life I'm living now. Even if I find a job, I'm a slave to it. It's not right that we can't be free unless we sell our time and energy for stupid pieces of paper that tell us what we can or cannot have or do. I better not change into that subject again, but that's also part of why I want to get away from my life because its just a rat race unless you are able to break free from it.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by freddy

Looking back, I wish that I would have traveled back when I was younger and before I had kids. With internet you can search for people to couch surf a few nights to save money. Or find camp sites to stay at. Maybe hit up some folks on here you know for a place to crash for a few days or so. That would be my advice. I had a little bit of money back when I was younger but my parent were overly protective. So they would put the fear monster in my head over and over again. I wish Steve's forum was around back then, to help straighten me out. With cell phones and internet, you’re able to keep in contact with all your loved ones. And If things don't work out for some reason. I'm sure your parent will take you in. Some question to think about. What do you think might change for the better in staying where your at? At what point will you pick up the oar in the boat, and start controlling the boat? "Row, Row, Row, your boat" gently down the stream? Are you controlling the boat now, or just drifting, hoping not to hit the big rocks in the river? Are you getting any younger? If not now, then when will it be a good time to go? Short of a major accident happening to you. Will you be any worse off, to the point you can't pick up and start over again, from there? Nothing ventured. Nothing gained. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Wow another inspiring post!! Thanks everyone for your support, I wish my friends and family were this supportive. I swear, the closer people are to you, the more they try to keep you from doing the things you want. Why is that!? If I had support from at least my family in this then I would even be able to have my dad buy me an RV and I could just pay him back as I can. When I mentioned this to him and his girlfriend a few weeks ago, she thought it would be a fun thing to do and his response was a snort of derision followed by "You wouldn't make it past Cannon Falls!" (which is the next town 15 miles away). He freaks out whenever I say I'm going out with my friends and I'll be out past 10pm or in a town that's any town other than this one.

About your questions, no I'm not rowing my boat which is why I WANT to. Right now I just feel like I don't even have an oar. I mean, I'm in my apartment paying almost $700 a month at least until March, I can't find a full time job, I'm going further into debt, my parents are not supportive (well my dad isn't, my mom just wants me to move home, she doesn't want me living anywhere else-so abnormal when i'm 37 years old!!!)

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

That's exactly it, that's how I am with every aspect of my life...if a choice doesn't feel 100% right, it ruins it for me. But then I never do ANYTHING!

So,what are you going to do about it? Not making a decision is also making a decision! You're making a decision to stay where you are. And I'm not saying this just in your case, I'm aware of it in my own life too, whenever I'm reluctant to make up my mind .
If you are afraid of making 'mistakes', try looking at them as learning opportunities, you learn more about what you want/can/like etc.
If you're waiting to get a 100 % assurance something would be the''right'' decision, you'll just end up waiting. Fast forward 5 years from now, how will you feel if you keep this status quo ?

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

About your questions, no I'm not rowing my boat which is why I WANT to. Right now I just feel like I don't even have an oar.

I think your first 'oar' should be to stop paying so much attention to what your parents are saying. I don't mean you need to be disrespectful to them, just set some boundaries, try telling them you appreciate their concern but that you need to do whatever it is that you want.
And if they disapprove, so what?

Back to the travelling part I'm getting a feeling that you want this to happen ''now'' or as soon as possible, it seems you're putting to much pressure on it, why not ease up a bit? Let's say you start planning the trip/move for the next summer, research how you'd get a van, where you'd go, would you be able to get a job there (in a few months something could come up) etc.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Tanja

So,what are you going to do about it? Not making a decision is also making a decision! You're making a decision to stay where you are. And I'm not saying this just in your case, I'm aware of it in my own life too, whenever I'm reluctant to make up my mind .
If you are afraid of making 'mistakes', try looking at them as learning opportunities, you learn more about what you want/can/like etc.
If you're waiting to get a 100 % assurance something would be the''right'' decision, you'll just end up waiting. Fast forward 5 years from now, how will you feel if you keep this status quo ?

I know they would be learning opportunities, but I guess I feel like the sacrifices I would have to make and the bad parts about them would not be worth it. I mean that's like giving up something you know for something you don't know, I don't want to give up everything to MAYBE gain something. I know this sounds so wrong because I DO want change, I guess I want change without changing to do it. But mostly I really think the thing that is stopping me is lack of money. To go for the goals I want, I would need a huge savings and/or an RV and not have any financial responsibilities. That IS part of my goal, to not have finanicial resonsibilities (I mean all the basic ones, of course, but not the overwhelming ones that hold me in this spot I'm in now.)

I think your first 'oar' should be to stop paying so much attention to what your parents are saying. I don't mean you need to be disrespectful to them, just set some boundaries, try telling them you appreciate their concern but that you need to do whatever it is that you want.
And if they disapprove, so what?

Well if they disapprove, then that causes fights. I hate fighting, I hate not getting along with people. I feel like it's already bad enough, i don't want to make it worse.

Back to the travelling part I'm getting a feeling that you want this to happen ''now'' or as soon as possible, it seems you're putting to much pressure on it, why not ease up a bit? Let's say you start planning the trip/move for the next summer, research how you'd get a van, where you'd go, would you be able to get a job there (in a few months something could come up) etc.

The reason why I want it to happen ASAP is because I don't like living here, I feel like I've wanted to get away for so long, and I get more and more unsatisfied with my life here (here meaning near my family and in Minnesota because I can't stand the cold winters). If I were to wait and do this later, I would still have to find somewhere to live once my unemployment money runs out. Part of my plan was creating this plan to AVOID having to move back in with my mom. I also feel like I'm nearing my 40's, I want to get out and have experiences before I'm old and physically unable to do these things.