I want to get away from my family

[CroMagna]

My family treats me like a toddler. It's given me an aversion to them. I feel like their attitude towards me (that I'm a lazy ne'er do well) is making me lazier.

The problem is: my family is everywhere! I live with my mom, aunt, and grandmother. I work for my aunt. My other family members come by the job and home often.

I can't get away from them and their pressure. When I talk to therapists, they say I'm doing fine. They encourage me to be an adult, to be responsible, to have self-respect, to think for myself, and to be free. They do all of this compassionately without making me feel like a failure.

My family does just the opposite and they are actually impeding on my progress. They order me around, they treat me like a child but then get mad and say that I'm almost 30 and still living like a child. They don't know anything about me. For example they don't like that I'm LGBT. So there's this psychological wall between us.

I would really like to relocate to Brazil but they have shaken my confidence by saying that I will get down there and have an anxiety attack or get drunk and end up getting kidnapped or something, then I'll be calling home saying I got fired or something.

I would like to be out of their hair for good in 4 months. I would also like to reduce this anxiety problem and lose weight. Is there any way out?

[Gene]

Who are you? Who do you want to be? It seems that you are viewing yourself through the lens of your family and having an immune reaction to them and their judgments even as their beliefs and words continue to cause internal chaos.

"I can't get away from them and their pressure." Is that really the truth? I have been present on this forum for a long period of time. I observe that many of your issues seem to be a rebellion and a reaction to the way other people affect you and your life.

Are you ready to release the strings that bind you to your family in the way those connections presently enslave you? Are you ready to achieve this without anger and resentment? You are capable of changing the current connection with love if that is truly your desire. If there is a stronger desire that you are not aware of, or are unwilling to share with us then maybe you will not really change your behavior.

From my experience with you on this board I believe you are a likable, intelligent and gifted person who has the capacity to achieve almost any goal in life. I also see that you do not have a clear view of your goal(s). I hope you find clarity about yourself, your hopes, your dreams and discover a way to both achieve your dreams and find peace in your life.

May your life be better than you ever dreamed it could be!

[Rockchick26]

I'm in a similar situation. I've always felt this urge to get away from my family, well I guess since I became an adult officially (20 years ago) I too worked with family members (both my parents) and lived with my mom until I was 26. That must have something to do with it becuase everybody I know who lives with their parents or works with them always wants to get away from them. It isn't normal for adults to live with their parents and still be treated like a kid.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to rise up above the influence of your family, it's a lot harder when you live and/or work with them. Sometimes I think the only answer is to move away.

I wish I had some good advice, I mostly just wanted to say you're not alone!

[rei]

i have been in a similar situation before. i didn't work with my mother but i lived with her past the normal launching phase (once i had been launched though). and yeah, it can be tough.

but it is easy to frame it as what family members are doing, how they keep us down or rattle our confidence. it is harder, but more satisfying overall (imo) to really and truly accept responsibility for our own role in the situation.

somehow, i promise, there are things you say and do, or things you don't say and don't do, that allow the situation to remain as it is. that may be tough to hear, i know. maybe you want more autonomy and then when you get some type of special privilege at work you don't jump in and say wait, treat me like an employee, not a family member... just an example.

my point is you can get a lot out of figuring out how you contribute to the situation as it currently is. once you figure that out it is so much easier to shift things. you shift what you do/don't do and stick with the change and all the other members of the family end up adjusting their behavior as well in one way or another... it can be a rocky road but if the change is important enough, it's totally worth it.

[PerDev]

Listen to the Guy in the Glass. and do not give your power away.

The Guy in the Glass

Originally Posted by CroMagna

My family treats me like a toddler. It's given me an aversion to them. I feel like their attitude towards me (that I'm a lazy ne'er do well) is making me lazier.

The problem is: my family is everywhere! I live with my mom, aunt, and grandmother. I work for my aunt. My other family members come by the job and home often.

I can't get away from them and their pressure. When I talk to therapists, they say I'm doing fine. They encourage me to be an adult, to be responsible, to have self-respect, to think for myself, and to be free. They do all of this compassionately without making me feel like a failure.

My family does just the opposite and they are actually impeding on my progress. They order me around, they treat me like a child but then get mad and say that I'm almost 30 and still living like a child. They don't know anything about me. For example they don't like that I'm LGBT. So there's this psychological wall between us.

I would really like to relocate to Brazil but they have shaken my confidence by saying that I will get down there and have an anxiety attack or get drunk and end up getting kidnapped or something, then I'll be calling home saying I got fired or something.

I would like to be out of their hair for good in 4 months. I would also like to reduce this anxiety problem and lose weight. Is there any way out?

[ladee]

I am on the other side of this fence, I want my kid to get away from me! He has come thru some really hard times the past few years and called and asked if he could come stay with me for awhile, so he could get his finances straight. Here it is a year later and he is in a bigger mess than when he first came.

I would like my home back the way it was. I don't want to see his messes all over the house. I don't like the way he does a lot of things. But I keep my mouth shut. My opionions to myself.

Where is that fine line of being an individual, and not enabling someone? I have spoken to him about getting his own place, soon. His excuses make me tired. What gives a grown child the right to not have something said to them? If you or anyone else were in my home doing these things I would certainly say something.

If I say anything I am treating him like a child. If I don't say anything I am miserable in my own home. So, in defense of parents of grown children living in thier homes, you want to be treated like an adult, then act like one. Granted, I do not put my kid down or tell him he will fail, and I do want him to succeed.

If someone is being irresponsible it is what it is. Get a life!! and stop blaming your parents.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

When I talk to therapists, they say I'm doing fine.

Do you feel you're doing fine/better?

Originally Posted by CroMagna

they are actually impeding on my progress. They order me around, they treat me like a child but then get mad and say that I'm almost 30 and still living like a child. They don't know anything about me. For example they don't like that I'm LGBT. So there's this psychological wall between us.

I understand it's your family and it can be difficult at first to set boundaries and not be affected by what they say.
Try thinking of them and what they say as a practice for any possible future situations where people might tell you/think of you something you disagree with, you could try out different strategies now that could serve you well later with other people.
What do your therapists suggest?

[ar81]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

My family treats me like a toddler. It's given me an aversion to them. I feel like their attitude towards me (that I'm a lazy ne'er do well) is making me lazier.

The problem is: my family is everywhere! I live with my mom, aunt, and grandmother. I work for my aunt. My other family members come by the job and home often.

I can't get away from them and their pressure. When I talk to therapists, they say I'm doing fine. They encourage me to be an adult, to be responsible, to have self-respect, to think for myself, and to be free. They do all of this compassionately without making me feel like a failure.

My family does just the opposite and they are actually impeding on my progress. They order me around, they treat me like a child but then get mad and say that I'm almost 30 and still living like a child. They don't know anything about me. For example they don't like that I'm LGBT. So there's this psychological wall between us.

I would really like to relocate to Brazil but they have shaken my confidence by saying that I will get down there and have an anxiety attack or get drunk and end up getting kidnapped or something, then I'll be calling home saying I got fired or something.

I would like to be out of their hair for good in 4 months. I would also like to reduce this anxiety problem and lose weight. Is there any way out?

People respond to expectations.
Your family is filling your brain with "you are lazy".
I bet you are not.

I bet you will be perfectly capable of doing what you want.
Just try to plan it a bit, and leave some margin to adapt or to make changes to your situation. It includes to have some extra money, in case you need it, and get enough information about the place you are going.

If I was you I'd be a rebel.
Rebels are not lazy if they are told they are lazy.
Rebels win when they are told to be losers.
I have seen ordinary people doing incredible good things, and I see no reason why it should be different for you.

My bet is that people in your family fear to lose control.
They fear to live their lives, so they live it though you.
So they should get a life, and let you live yours.

And as long as you live a responsible life, thinking long term, you'd be fine.

[fresc]

CroMagna,

Dealing with family pressure is something I've been working on lately so I wanted to share a few things that were really helpful to me in case any of it may be helpful to you.

A really big realization was accepting that my family may be disappointed with me when I live the truth of who I am and that living with other people's disappointment is a part of being an adult and staying true to who I am. I may not be the person they want me to be, but that's o.k. They aren't always the people I want them to be, but I love them anyway.

On a suggestion from my therapist, I started visualizing what my life would be like if my life was "about me" (not "about them," reacting to their words and actions). I started to see what my behavior would look like if I detached from their emotions. I let them be upset about whatever they were upset about and I focused on trusting myself and doing what I knew was right for me. I pictured myself just allowing them to be who they are and then doing what I wanted. At first it felt like betraying and abandoning them, then it started to feel like accepting them and being honest about who I am. And that felt good! This visualization was extremely helpful for me and helped me find the courage to start acting with integrity.

One other thing I want to mention is that I live 800 miles away from my parents and was still feeling the pressure. Because the pressure was coming from me. I was believing what they told me over what I knew to be true for me - or at the very least I was conflicted about what was true. Now I mention this not to say that the physical distance wasn't helpful. I happen to think it was. I mention it to suggest that you can get space, right here right now, because the space is within you. It was very empowering for me to realize that I was waiting for them to acknowledge me as independent, as an adult, to grant me the power to make my own decisions and my own mistakes. But no one can give you power. Power is power when you take it and know it is your own.

And for me personally it became important to know that I could make a mistake and that it didn't mean I didn't deserve power. We learn by making mistakes. For me it's a hallmark of claiming my power to make my own mistakes and take responsibility for the consequences. It's helped me find the courage to start posting on the forum. (This is my first non-introduction post. yipes! I'm nervous! )

[The Cloud]

They treat you like a child because you act like a child with them. You've taken a passive stance with them, and become their willful subordinate. You can change that in an instant, though. A single instant. You'll find that most people will follow you if you lead them. Wherever you're going, whatever you're doing at the moment, choose that and decide that you want it and you're going for it. It doesn't matter whether you really want it or are really going for it, it just matters that you choose to do so. You're not fighting for anyone to accept what you're doing, you're just going to do it.

For example, say you're walking with a group of friends to a club. Decide that you want to lead the group to the club. You don't even have to consider if they're going to follow you our not, and it doesn't matter if you do. You're leading yourself, too, so it's irrelevant what you think because you're leading yourself to the club and that's the end of it. You'll find yourself at the head of the group, and feel as if you're pulling the rest of the group along with you. You won't be separate from them, you'll just be first among equals.

You're passive because you don't know what you want. To be active, you have to act like you know what you want. To do that, you have to choose what you want. Don't wonder whether you really want it or not; it's irrelevant to being a leader whether you really want something or not. It's only relevant that you act like you want it, even for yourself.

You're not going to be happy with this, at least not more so than you would be without it, but it is an interesting phenomena and it will get your family off your back. You assume your leadership of them, and they will have no choice but to follow you unless they are much more conscious than you make them sound. As a leader, you don't need their approval, and they will feel that.

EDIT: They can't fight an arbitrary desire. They can't disagree with you if you offer no argument in favor of what you're choosing to do. It doesn't matter why you choose what you want, there is no good reason and you don't need one. You don't need to convince anybody, yourself least of all. You just need to do it.