over-mothered, and want to break free from conditioning

[brendannz]

OK guys, time for a long post seeking psycho-analysis, or advice. Please..

OK, when I was growing up, it really did seem like my mother put too much energy in "mothering" and stuff. To the point where in my teenage years through to early 20s, it seems like my mother's whole life revolved around mine. Plus she went overboard in preaching manners, so now I'm too nice to people. Like one time, a friend asked me to go to the movies and I said I had too much assignment work that weekend so maybe next weekend, and she told me "that was a bit rude of you wasn't it?" and I just told her "well possibly, but it was a lot more rude of you eavesdropping my conversations and commenting on them" and then she apologised for that.. Plus i've had about 4-5 jobs in my lifetime where my mum was suspicious about the employer having no intention of paying me for the work.. So she's a bit neurotic.. Like her life philosophy seems to be 'treat everybody like your master, kiss everybody's ass and trust nobody'.. If she gets suspicious I just tell her if you can't trust anybody then nobody can trust you..

But ANYWAY, nobody's perfect, everybody's got their issues, I think all in all, she's a pretty cool mother and plus these days having 2 loving parents these days is a privilege indeed..

But the problem is, I think I've become a neurotic over-polite worrier, and picked up these traits I'd rather not have from my mum. It seems like I can't love anyone, because I'll put too much energy into it.. etc.

Anyone have any advice on this?

1/ breaking free from this faulty conditioning.
and
2/ enforcing new beliefs..
3/ Accepting things the way they were, you can never really have perfect parents..

I want to be a more confident person, and able to trust others.. and not a permanently worried jellyfish..

Maybe it's just a matter of realizing that that's what mothers are like..

Thanks for reading.

[themaster]

Anyone have any advice on this?

It's very true that our parents condition us.. it's more true to say that our parents take us from perfectly born children to NEUROTIC mess's.. I mean they do it with love (sort of) they don't know what they're doing or how there doing it.. there just repeating a cycle of old. (the cycle is ending )

I wouldn't focus on what your mom thinks.. who you are is.. what you think.. you maybe adopted her habits you just have to decide if there useful for you or not.. if you don't think so.. then the simplest answer is to say "that's not for me"

1/ breaking free from this faulty conditioning.

You don't have to break free of anything.. I'm guess I'm saying.. there is no problem if you don't indentify it as such.. but alright let's say it's running and you see it running.. stop yourself right there and say this is not "who I am" and change whatever you doing in action, mannerism, thinking to "this is who I am" simple enough? (or not )

2/ enforcing new beliefs..

You know honestly I don't think beliefs serve us.. there limiting in whatever way there designed.. when my teacher talks about them, he sometimes doesn't mention how to get rid of them completely I think the idea might be however to adopt beliefs that are "unlimited" in that way there is no limitation..

If you understand how beliefs operate in your reality.. then you know they have a re-enforcing mechanism.. they will double check you and triple check you and in each case you simply have to respond "no, this is who I am now.. with the new belief" it is possible and I want to be clear to drop beliefs completely without being checked on.. but some beliefs run persistence checks Since each of us is a individual it's impossible for me to give you advice since your beliefs come from your parents and from the ones you created

3/ Accepting things the way they were, you can never really have perfect parents..

This statement.. the way you wrote it.. sounds like you don't BELIEVE it (like it's a belief).. To understand a higher perspective of ourselves is to understand we our PERFECT, nothing we ever do is WRONG, there is no WRONG choice or ANSWER.

You can say that you don't have perfect parents.. but you see that's judgment on your parents.. don't judge.. I don't recommend it.. judging gets you into all kinds of tricky places

Accepting things the way they are is a true statement.. but it's also can be from the perspective of lack.. it means from a lack perspective.. that you believe you can't change it.. this is incorrect..

If you understand the spiritual journey at all.. the journey tells you, simply.. all change comes from WITHIN.. it is not external to you.. it is not in validation of your parents or peers eyes.. it is validating you within your own EYES.

So if you see "Accepting things the way they are" as a statement of lack?? as a negative statement that you have no power to change things?? I suggest you take control of your reality.. this is what Law of Attraction is here to teach.. that you are in control.. that you do make a difference and that everything is you, for you, designed by you and YOU (and yah that's a lot U's )

Does this help?

[brendannz]

[QUOTE=themaster;440473]

It's very true that our parents condition us.. it's more true to say that our parents take us from perfectly born children to NEUROTIC mess's.. I mean they do it with love (sort of) they don't know what they're doing or how there doing it.. there just repeating a cycle of old. (the cycle is ending )

I wouldn't focus on what your mom thinks.. who you are is.. what you think.. you maybe adopted her habits you just have to decide if there useful for you or not.. if you don't think so.. then the simplest answer is to say "that's not for me"

Yeah, actually I think its just a matter of being my own independent self with my own self-confidence

2/ enforcing new beliefs..

Since each of us is a individual it's impossible for me to give you advice since your beliefs come from your parents and from the ones you created

Yep, I wanna believe more that I can trust people, that I can relate to people, etc. develop more positive beliefs.

To understand a higher perspective of ourselves is to understand we our PERFECT, nothing we ever do is WRONG, there is no WRONG choice or ANSWER.

Indeed, I was more meaning, let the past be the past, and live in the present for the future..

You can say that you don't have perfect parents.. but you see that's judgment on your parents.. don't judge.. I don't recommend it.. judging gets you into all kinds of tricky places

So they're perfect for only being human..

I suggest you take control of your reality..
Does this help?

Sort of, I guess, since only I can control my reality, only I can help myself

But you helped me put some things into perspective. Yeah, to be honest, I wasn't sure if this was a genuine problem, that I needed help with, I was just putting it in writing as a way to discuss it with smart people and get more perspective...

guess I'm just looking to develop my own confidence, and not be a victim..

[themaster]

Originally Posted by brendannz

But you helped me put some things into perspective. Yeah, to be honest, I wasn't sure if this was a genuine problem, that I needed help with, I was just putting it in writing as a way to discuss it with smart people and get more perspective...

It doesn't hurt to get validation of your ideas etc. from others.. it sometimes allows you (gives you a permission slip) to be more of yourself

Originally Posted by brendannz

guess I'm just looking to develop my own confidence, and not be a victim..

I would use LOA to do this if I were you.. by controlling your reality.. you'll find it more fun to see you exert your influence.. the opposite of being a victim is being/feeling empowered.. and you are far more important and far more influential then you realize.. creator god

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by themaster

It doesn't hurt to get validation of your ideas etc. from others.. it sometimes allows you (gives you a permission slip) to be more of yourself
I would use LOA to do this if I were you.. by controlling your reality.. you'll find it more fun to see you exert your influence.. the opposite of being a victim is being/feeling empowered.. and you are far more important and far more influential then you realize.. creator god

With me, it's all about creating a new healthy set of beliefs for the future, I think.. I'll have a think about the future I want to create.

[Tanja]

The good thing is that you've recognized that you're repeating your mother's pattern. I remember catching myself repeating some of my parents' behaviour, then you go ''no way''

Originally Posted by brendannz

But the problem is, I think I've become a neurotic over-polite worrier, and picked up these traits

Do these traits surface in all areas of your life or just in some? And what's the difference?

Originally Posted by brendannz

It seems like I can't love anyone, because I'll put too much energy into it.. etc.

Do you mean you try to please everyone because you're afraid they won't like you if you don't?

Originally Posted by brendannz

I want to be a more confident person, and able to trust others.. and not a permanently worried jellyfish..

Originally Posted by brendannz

Yep, I wanna believe more that I can trust people

On the matter of trusting people, what has your experience been so far? When you look at the people/situations where you've trusted someone, how many times were you right or ''wrong''?
I think we sometimes take a few occasions where we feel we shouldn't have trusted someone and turn them into our overall attitude, instead of just learning from those experiences.

[marinik]

I have this in my youngest daughters relationship. Her boyfriend is over mothered. I on the other hand always thought that being a good parent is knowing when to let go on time for all steps of growing up. So they have this problem of totally opposite backgrounds where he is this "worrying" type like his mother and my daughter being absolutely her own independent mature for her age person (both 19). It is so interesting to watch how they interact.

But for you brendannz I have only one suggestion. Think and act as if playing a role of and independent person. Soon you will be one. Fake it to make it

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by marinik

I have this in my youngest daughters relationship. Her boyfriend is over mothered. I on the other hand always thought that being a good parent is knowing when to let go on time for all steps of growing up. So they have this problem of totally opposite backgrounds where he is this "worrying" type like his mother and my daughter being absolutely her own independent mature for her age person (both 19). It is so interesting to watch how they interact.

Thanks!

Well basically, it's not a problem for me anymore being over-mothered, because I'm 28, and I have my own apartment (I'm paying off a mortgage). It was a big problem for me growing up though, and enforcing boundaries was difficult because my mum could easily be upset.. my grandparents are worriers too..

There's people out there with way bigger parental problems than me.. like I had a friend who got kicked out of home when he was 13.

So independence isn't the problem. It's all about developing myself, and trying to overcome the bad habits / thought patterns I picked up from my mother. Because I plan to be more with my life than be a paranoid jellyfish, and I'm going to need to be more confident to achieve my goals...

[marinik]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Thanks!

Well basically, it's not a problem for me anymore being over-mothered, because I'm 28, and I have my own apartment (I'm paying off a mortgage). It was a big problem for me growing up though, and enforcing boundaries was difficult because my mum could easily be upset.. my grandparents are worriers too..

There's people out there with way bigger parental problems than me.. like I had a friend who got kicked out of home when he was 13.

So independence isn't the problem. It's all about developing myself, and trying to overcome the bad habits / thought patterns I picked up from my mother. Because I plan to be more with my life than be a paranoid jellyfish, and I'm going to need to be more confident to achieve my goals...

I am not even questioning your independence. Just saying to act as if you were the person you want to become. Step into their shoes.

[brendannz]

[QUOTE=Tanja;440499]

Do these traits surface in all areas of your life or just in some? And what's the difference?

In most areas, it's been a problem most of my life anyway, I've worried way too much in my life.

Do you mean you try to please everyone because you're afraid they won't like you if you don't?

Somewhat, I've gained a bit more social experience, and now I care a bit less if people don't like me..

I worry about offending people sometimes though.

On the matter of trusting people, what has your experience been so far? When you look at the people/situations where you've trusted someone, how many times were you right or ''wrong''?

The thing is I've dealt with some really crazy (I mean in a destructive way) people in my life, and I've found out that the signs they were a bit crazy were there early on, I just didn't trust my intuition. But most people are pretty cool..

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by marinik

I am not even questioning your independence. Just saying to act as if you were the person you want to become. Step into their shoes.

Well in the past I had problems with independence. But now it's about being the person I want to become..

[marinik]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Well in the past I had problems with independence. But now it's about being the person I want to become..

This is exactly what I am suggesting. Each time you want to react from your previous model you want to change think what the new you, the one you want to be would do. Fake it to make it. I was very insecure as a young adult. Then one day I decided to fake it. Play the role. In time it became my way of normal behavior. Today you would say if you met me that I was born sure of my self all the way. I stepped into the shoes of the person I wanted to be, became comfortable with them and stayed.

[brendannz]

OK, big thanks for everyone for your responses.

The other thing is because my mum was so sensitive, if I tried talking to her about my need for personal space when I was growing up, she could get upset about her own performance as a mother, instead of listening to what I had to say..

So it's kind of like she'd carry the world of responsibility upon her shoulder, and I think I have the similar problem of making things out to be too big a deal as well...

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by marinik

Fake it to make it. I was very insecure as a young adult. Then one day I decided to fake it. Play the role. In time it became my way of normal behavior. Today you would say if you met me that I was born sure of my self all the way. I stepped into the shoes of the person I wanted to be, became comfortable with them and stayed.

I've described the stick very well, now need to describe the carrot, (to myself) and make the right efforts to going towards it.. I may not even need to fake it until I make it, I've done quite a lot with my life really, maybe I just need to put the jigsaw pieces together..

[marinik]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I've described the stick very well, now need to describe the carrot, (to myself) and make the right efforts to going towards it.. I may not even need to fake it until I make it, I've done quite a lot with my life really, maybe I just need to put the jigsaw pieces together..

So there you have it. You got your own answer, we were just the catalyst. So glad for you!

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I've worried way too much in my life.

I think we've all been there at some point. For me it was important to realize that no matter what happens I'll be okay. I do my best and if something doesn't go as planned, I try to learn from it and choose another way.

Originally Posted by brendannz

I worry about offending people sometimes though.

Even if you do that unintentionally, you can always apologize.

Originally Posted by brendannz

The thing is I've dealt with some really crazy (I mean in a destructive way) people in my life, and I've found out that the signs they were a bit crazy were there early on, I just didn't trust my intuition.

I'm sorry you had experience with such people but at least now you know how to recognize the signs!

Originally Posted by brendannz

But most people are pretty cool..

There you go!

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by marinik

So there you have it. You got your own answer, we were just the catalyst. So glad for you!

I agree!

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by marinik

So there you have it. You got your own answer, we were just the catalyst. So glad for you!

Thanks again! I've lately been trying to change my mindset towards life & relationships, and this thread was really just about the barriers, and past gunk, I guess.

[brendannz]

[QUOTE=Tanja;440528]

I think we've all been there at some point. For me it was important to realize that no matter what happens I'll be okay.

Yep, I think I partly realise that.. I'm going through some 'uncertainty' at the moment, where I need to realise that it will definitely sort itself out.. it's just that, uncertainty, nothing bad in the foreseeable future.

I do my best and if something doesn't go as planned, I try to learn from it and choose another way.

yep, mistakes are the best teacher..

I'm sorry you had experience with such people but at least now you know how to recognize the signs!

I don't know if anybody can live a life, without some negative experiences with other people, ... Unless you reframe them as positive experiences for lessons learnt.

I think there's always going to be some disappointment along the path..

"behind every beautiful thing, there's been some kind of pain"
- Bob Dylan song lyrics.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Anyone have any advice on this?

1/ breaking free from this faulty conditioning.
and
2/ enforcing new beliefs..
3/ Accepting things the way they were, you can never really have perfect parents..

I want to be a more confident person, and able to trust others.. and not a permanently worried jellyfish..

Maybe it's just a matter of realizing that that's what mothers are like..

Thanks for reading.

When I first consciously changed or ended relationships I was scared and thought changing the relationship would leave a large empty void. I would think, obsess and mourn the loss and the emptiness even before the changes occurred.

I have changed relationships with many people including family members. The change was never as catastrophic as I projected before the relationship modification. I just need to be clear about what kind of relationship I want and be willing to let the other people decide if the new direction resonates with them. If yes I am all right and if no I am all right.