I have screwed up my whole life at 26 and I have nowhere to go...

[songindarkness]

I am incapable of doing anything with my life. I am in university on a Masters course in Biophysics that was paid for by the university and I am suffering from depression. I hate myself and I hate my life. Socially, I feel I have good friends although I do get very anxious around people and feel too tired to do much socialising. I used to be a lot worse but I have a very supportive boyfriend right now. I believe I have suffered from some form of depression/anxiety my whole life. I struggled through my undergraduate degree in Physics and Computer Science and no one knows why I did the Masters course but I went to work in crappy admin jobs for a year after uni and I got fired once and nearly fired again for doing no work. I have no energy and no motivation for anything like work. I really, truly thought that science research was what I wanted and now I know don't anymore. I think I have been fooling myself that is what I wanted to do because I thought it was the best use of my skills and that I had to for the prestige. I've been told I'm intelligent and that I had to make the best use of it my whole life. I have very supportive parents who love me but they have been very critical and negative my whole life, telling me I had to work and study hard, and that whatever I did I could do better, and always fighting with me to try and make me do more work. I'm seeing a psychologist now and I realise that all of this made me feel not good enough and that is why all the work I am supposed to do feels too hard to do it even though I know I am intelligent enough and that I can achieve high marks since I have done in the past, like I got an 80% for one module but I haven't been able to do much since. I got a 2:1 for my degree (UK) and that's reasonable but I know I was capable of a first. I'm working hard to remove my limiting beliefs and visualise my ideal life and I was feeling really good about myself and my progress but I still can't seem to do anything constructive about my Masters degree. I had taken a break and come back last month but I haven't actually done anything since then. And today I got this email.

Dear J--------,

Could you please come and see me on Friday morning (6th November 2009)?

As you know we have paid you the last quarter of your stipend for the MRes. However this was on the understanding that you would fulfill the remaining requirements of the MRes course. You do not seem to be doing this. If you do not come and see me and give me an explanation for your lack of activity on the course I will have no option but to inform the University that you are not fullfiling the obligation of completing the course.

The University may then take steps to recover the stipend from you.

I hope that there is an acceptable explanation for your absence from the course,

Best wishes


P----

I am BROKE, all that money I just got paid by uni went on rent, and I don't know what to do. The university, my parents and my boyfriend have been SO supportive and I HATE to let them down but I seem to not be able to help myself. I know I can't keep going on this way. I don't want this life. I am 27 next month and I know I want my life to be completely different... please help.

[runningbird]

First, your whole life is NOT screwed up. You have good friends, a partner, good credentials - you are doing better than most people. So you have a little cash flow problem. That isn't going to ruin your life.

I think the best thing to do, if you are willing to finish your degree, is just go talk to them. Tell them you have been chronically ill and you have trouble keeping up with the work ... that isn't exactly a lie if you are depressed and you don't have the energy to meet your responsibilities.

You could also declare bankruptcy, but I'm not very good on financial stuff. If you don't want to complete your degree though I'm sure there are financial options.

[songindarkness]

Thanks, you're right, I'm actually well off compared to a lot of people. I know this, I'm just really hung up on my life feeling like a whole list of failures. I took six years to do my 3 year degree - a length of time that is already difficult to explain to employers without admitting I suffered from severe depression. I already suspended my masters degree in May after telling my uni I had depression and everything again. I came back because I really wanted to finish it because I don't want to drop out and I still can't seem to study... I can barely muster the concentration to read for fun... I've been like this so many times, I'm just so stressed out and I can't study and I don't know whether I should quit entirely or not, throw in the towel, and just spend my whole time healing, which I suspect I need to do, but then I can't imagine that that would be a good position either.

[rei]

the word "failures" makes me think you are a perfectionist, along with some of the other things you said. probably learned behavior in part, probably in part a little streak of obsession to succeed (i know how that looks because my own parents kept pushing me to get the best grades i could, and now i freak out a little if i get a point taken off an assignment, but it's better than it used to be).

it doesn't have to be all or nothing. putting it off seems to be creating even more stress for you. have you tried making out a simple pros and cons list? all the reasons you can think of to finish the degree (for *you* NOT for the people in your life) and all the reasons you can think of to simply quit?

i know how putting something off can just blow it out of proportion or add to the difficulties, setting it up to be a huge thing or getting paralyzed instead of acting. i think not acting one way or another is triggering more stress, so maybe at this point a pro/con list would provide some direction?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by songindarkness

I am incapable of doing anything with my life.

If you're incapable of doing anything with your life, why do you keep acting as if you can? Either you're capable, in which case you can do anything with your life, or you're not, in which case you can't. Before any other strategies can be discussed, it must first be established which is true. Otherwise you're doing the wrong thing in perpetuity, looking for different results from the same reactions you've been failing with for your whole life. Don't give the answer you think is supposed to be true, give the answer that you really feel is true.

[Steve Pavlina]

Feeling like a failure is a cause, not an effect. The story of what you think is causing you to feel that way is irrelevant and distracting. The real cause is that you haven't yet committed yourself to creating the feelings of success.

If you want to stop experiencing failure, you'll need to stop feeling it first. Otherwise failure experiences will indeed become your lifelong companions.

Sit quietly for 20 minutes a day, and imagine feeling like a success instead.

[songindarkness]

I suppose I feel I am incapable, I know that I am capable. How do I start feeling capable?

ReI: I think you're right, I am a perfectionist, and it's really not a good thing to be. The pros and cons list did help: there are really too many cons for quitting now. I don't want to give up. I think I need to face this fear and guilt and whatever else it is that is that makes me find it so hard to just get work/study done. I just don't know how to face it.

[rei]

facing fear is just that - feeling it and doing something anyway. more often than not, we realize things weren't as bad as we worried they would be.

judging yourself for a tendency of perfectionism probably doesn't help. the idea is not to find *yet another reason* to be hard on yourself. the idea is to acknowledge that tendency in a neutral way, accept the responsibility for having unrealistic standards of yourself, and take some small steps to be easier on yourself and not as critical.

one simple way to do this is to focus on positive things and things that are a source of gratitude. start as small and general as you want, the things you pick aren't as important as retraining yourself to think a different way. i won't say this is easy but it definitely gets easier with practice.

but this doesn't mean you should turn around and beat yourself up if or when you find yourself focusing on problems instead of the positive! you can notice it, and choose to shift the focus without criticizing yourself. i promise that gets easier, or it has for everyone i've come across who's decided to do this.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by songindarkness

I suppose I feel I am incapable, I know that I am capable. How do I start feeling capable?

Lots of ways. One easy way is to sit with your eyes closed and imagine yourself doing things that a highly capable person would do, in the way a highly capable person would do them. Keep imagining it until you feel you've locked on to the feeling of being capable.

Then repeat that every day for at least 20 minutes a day. Eventually you'll start carrying that feeling with you longer -- well beyond those 20 minutes.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by songindarkness

I suppose I feel I am incapable, I know that I am capable. How do I start feeling capable?

How do you know your feelings are wrong?

[Trezker]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

How do you know your feelings are wrong?

Well, if you really are incapable. If that is the absolute truth. Then I think the only path forward is suicide.

So, I'd rather do what Steve says and focus on changing my feelings. I agree with his theory that every human is in control of his own feelings, the "feelings control you" part is only back propagation. All feelings originate from your own decision to create them.

Feelings only seem to have so much power because they are in a feedback loop and reinforce themselves automatically after you give them momentum. When you are sad and decide to focus on being happy, you start making a smiling face and straight body then you can actually feel how the wheel of sadness is braking and the wheel of happiness starts spinning.

[Indiana]

If you have been suffering from serious depression and seeing a psychologist, I would say this is the sort of explanation that your university would consider sufficient.

However, they will want to know how you are going to manage it for the future.

Are you trying to hide the extent of your depression and struggle from your friends, family and tutors? Perhaps letting them know how much you are struggling and how much it is affecting you stress-wise, you can all work together to help you.

They would not have invested in you if they did not think you were capable of succeeding, and they want you to. There is no shame in asking for help.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Trezker

Well, if you really are incapable. If that is the absolute truth. Then I think the only path forward is suicide.

If incapability is absolute truth, then obviously suicide is not the only path forward. And if it isn't, then it's irrelevant. Either way, I'm asking the OP why she is discounting her feelings of powerlessness.

[songindarkness]

Firstly, thank you everyone for replying to me. I really appreciate how much thought you have put into it and I will follow your advice. Promise! I would be interesting on knowing, after having read everything I've said, whether people think that quitting my Masters and concentrating on healing my mental health and reprogramming my thoughts full time is better than staying on and trying to do both. It may help to know that I have spent a year on it but I have only done about a quarter of the work, and I was meant to be finished by now.

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Feeling like a failure is a cause, not an effect. The story of what you think is causing you to feel that way is irrelevant and distracting. The real cause is that you haven't yet committed yourself to creating the feelings of success.

Thank you Steve. I'm going to do what you say and concentrate on feeling like a success, and imagining myself as a highly capable person.

Originally Posted by rei

this doesn't mean you should turn around and beat yourself up if or when you find yourself focusing on problems instead of the positive! you can notice it, and choose to shift the focus without criticizing yourself. i promise that gets easier, or it has for everyone i've come across who's decided to do this.

Thanks Rei, it's nice to know it gets easier! I will do what you say and focus on the positive.

Originally Posted by Trezker

Well, if you really are incapable. If that is the absolute truth. Then I think the only path forward is suicide.

I've considered suicide many, many times. I've been close to doing it on several occasions. The last time I took an overdose but it wasn't enough to hurt me, luckily. I've been there and survived because underneath it all, I want to live. I know I want alternatives to my feelings. I'm trying to work through them but simple demands like going to my Masters course, reading a textbook or even waking up on time everyday, keep throwing me back into my bad feelings because I keep not being able to do them. I don't want to do this course, not really, I realise that now, and it stresses me out to do it but I also don't want to leave it because I don't want to have to quit and disappoint my family and university, and because I don't want to have to pay the money back, and because I don't want to have to explain to everyone that I did a Masters for a year and then quit, and because I don't really have an alternative right now.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

How do you know your feelings are wrong?

Cloud, I know my feelings are wrong because people keep telling me I'm wrong. My family and friends tell me I can do it. Steve's blog posts say that everyone has power to change. Louise Hay's self-help book keeps telling me "the point of power is in the present moment". They are living proof of this, so intellectually I know my feelings are wrong. I just feel overwhelmed by all the things that are in my life so far, like that I've always been told I was intelligent and got good marks in school but I've always struggled with my feelings of uselessness and self-hatred. Eventually they overwhelmed me just before university. I got really bad marks in my A-Levels but the UK system of clearing allowed me to go to university because there were spare places. I failed year after year, finally struggling through with the help of Prozac and the university counselling service. I came back to university to do a Masters because I was hoping that it would be more positive than struggling through lots of dead-end jobs. I am now seeing a university psychiatrist and with his help and the help of several self-help books and Steve's material I can see that I need to change my whole attitude to life, all my thoughts and feelings. I suppose I just am finding it hard to detach myself from the situation I have created.

Originally Posted by Indiana

Are you trying to hide the extent of your depression and struggle from your friends, family and tutors? Perhaps letting them know how much you are struggling and how much it is affecting you stress-wise, you can all work together to help you.

They would not have invested in you if they did not think you were capable of succeeding, and they want you to. There is no shame in asking for help.

Indiana, you're right. I have been hiding it all. I hate to burden them all more than I am already burdening them. I'm going to speak to them all.

I'm burned out every day just by getting up. What do I do?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by songindarkness

Cloud, I know my feelings are wrong because people keep telling me I'm wrong.

Your feelings are trying to tell you that those people are wrong. Feelings aren't stupid or blind, they are just open to misinterpretation. You're interpreting your feelings in terms of what "people" are telling you, and your conclusion is that suicide is a valid consideration. Isn't that the first clue that you need to know that those "people" and their view of life is what is screwed up, that you could be driven to suicide because of it? Isn't any system of thought that opens the possibility of suicide in benign situations such as yours almost indisputably incorrect?

Your feelings are trying to tell you something. They are telling you that you, and those "people" that you're listening to, are wrong about life. And isn't all the proof you need right in front of you? Look at your life. You blame your feelings for your failures. Maybe your feelings are trying to help you, and it's your view on life that is failing. I mean, your feelings can't tell you to kill yourself. They don't speak words, they're just emotions. Your view on life is what speaks words and delineates actions, and suicide being an action, it is your view on life that is prompting you to off yourself.

But your view on life has turned you against your emotions and made them the enemy, so you can't tell what is right and wrong because any feelings you might have on the subject are being misinterpreted. You blame your feelings for all the things wrong in your life, when it is what you are doing and thinking that is messing things up. Before you can move on to better things, you must admit that you and the things you believe are true could be wrong. You must admit that what you're being told, and listening to, could be incorrect. It's not your feelings that are wrong. It is you.

[ar81]

It looks to me that lack of sleep is making you to feel depressed, without energy to socialize, and to see all the negative angles of the situation. You may need to have a tight sleeping schedule in order to feel better. It may be that simple.

If you are fully rested and still fell like that, please tell us.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Feeling like a failure is a cause, not an effect. The story of what you think is causing you to feel that way is irrelevant and distracting. The real cause is that you haven't yet committed yourself to creating the feelings of success.

If you want to stop experiencing failure, you'll need to stop feeling it first. Otherwise failure experiences will indeed become your lifelong companions.

Sit quietly for 20 minutes a day, and imagine feeling like a success instead.

Right. We fail if we die without achieving. Until then we still have a fighting chance to succeed.

[Trezker]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Your feelings are trying to tell you that those people are wrong. Feelings aren't stupid or blind, they are just open to misinterpretation.

My current interpretation of the OP's feelings is that they originate from the fact that the big goals are not reached on schedule and there is massive resistance to getting them done.
Once the feelings are established, other areas of life start failing because of less determination and increasing depression.

So if the feelings come from failing the goals, then you should examine why you're failing the goals. I don't think you're incapable of reaching your goals, you have a mind and body fully capable of doing what needs to be done. Your capabilities are not the problem, your will to reach the goals is probably the problem.

If I'm correct that you lack sufficient will to do what it takes to reach your goal. Then ask yourself, why do you not want to reach it?

For every why that you come up with, examine it thoroughly.
For instance: Reaching the goal would put me in financial debt.
Compare reaching your goal with other outcomes.
Where would you end up if you abandoned the goal completely right now?
Would the debt be higher, lower or the same?

Where would you end up if you keep feeling depressed and don't do anything about it?
This is probably the worst path to choose. For one you'll feel miserable for a long time. Also you'll keep on working towards a goal you do not wish to reach, and the debt will be the same or likely greater than you currently imagine.

[themaster]

I have screwed up my whole life at 26 and I have nowhere to go...

but UP

[vartann]

well i personally was done screwing many people's lives by age 26
so i guess that brings equilibrium in the Universe, or doesn't it ??.

hey i am kidding i am a goodie...
my biased piece of advice: JUST move your ass on to a Karate school whatever the teacher - shall initiate the process of healing both physical/emotional imbalances
stamina will put you right back on the track even for a beginner
do it


pace e salute

[PerDev]

You can use Steve's Favourite Meditation.
My Favorite Meditation

But You can take with you your
Short term Futureself (6month to 2 years ), and Long term future self(2 years to 5 years) instead of your pastself

And be creative about what you really fentasy about, See some good things.

Originally Posted by songindarkness

I am incapable of doing anything with my life. I am in university on a Masters course in Biophysics that was paid for by the university and I am suffering from depression. I hate myself and I hate my life. Socially, I feel I have good friends although I do get very anxious around people and feel too tired to do much socialising. I used to be a lot worse but I have a very supportive boyfriend right now. I believe I have suffered from some form of depression/anxiety my whole life. I struggled through my undergraduate degree in Physics and Computer Science and no one knows why I did the Masters course but I went to work in crappy admin jobs for a year after uni and I got fired once and nearly fired again for doing no work. I have no energy and no motivation for anything like work. I really, truly thought that science research was what I wanted and now I know don't anymore. I think I have been fooling myself that is what I wanted to do because I thought it was the best use of my skills and that I had to for the prestige. I've been told I'm intelligent and that I had to make the best use of it my whole life. I have very supportive parents who love me but they have been very critical and negative my whole life, telling me I had to work and study hard, and that whatever I did I could do better, and always fighting with me to try and make me do more work. I'm seeing a psychologist now and I realise that all of this made me feel not good enough and that is why all the work I am supposed to do feels too hard to do it even though I know I am intelligent enough and that I can achieve high marks since I have done in the past, like I got an 80% for one module but I haven't been able to do much since. I got a 2:1 for my degree (UK) and that's reasonable but I know I was capable of a first. I'm working hard to remove my limiting beliefs and visualise my ideal life and I was feeling really good about myself and my progress but I still can't seem to do anything constructive about my Masters degree. I had taken a break and come back last month but I haven't actually done anything since then. And today I got this email.

Dear J--------,

Could you please come and see me on Friday morning (6th November 2009)?

As you know we have paid you the last quarter of your stipend for the MRes. However this was on the understanding that you would fulfill the remaining requirements of the MRes course. You do not seem to be doing this. If you do not come and see me and give me an explanation for your lack of activity on the course I will have no option but to inform the University that you are not fullfiling the obligation of completing the course.

The University may then take steps to recover the stipend from you.

I hope that there is an acceptable explanation for your absence from the course,

Best wishes


P----

I am BROKE, all that money I just got paid by uni went on rent, and I don't know what to do. The university, my parents and my boyfriend have been SO supportive and I HATE to let them down but I seem to not be able to help myself. I know I can't keep going on this way. I don't want this life. I am 27 next month and I know I want my life to be completely different... please help.

[m18pak]

songindarkness, I just want to say first that I really appreciate the courage it must have taken to be so honest with us; and I know you probably feel desperate right now but I can assure you that the feelings you have now will pass and that things can get better.

Secondly, I would strongly advise you to ignore everything everyone else has written on this thread so far: I can tell you for a fact that what they suggested will not help you. I am qualified to say this because I have experienced, and am still struggling with, all the things you described such as the suicidal depression, the feelings of failure and worthlessness, the helpless inability to get even the simplest things done etc etc. These people mean well and have good intentions and are honestly trying to help you, but the simple fact is that they don't actually understand what you're dealing with and thus don't know what they're talking about. They are making their own value judgments about your situation based on their own background and experience - and I can tell you now that they haven't gone through what you're going through, or else they wouldn't have given you the kind of advice that they did. I mean, guys like Steve Pavlina may be qualified to speak authoritatively on many things, but mental illness isn't one of them. I say all of this without meaning offense to any of the other posters on this thread: I know you did so out of a sincere desire to help.

Look, like I said, I know what you're going through, so please listen to me when I say that it's not something that can be fixed through self-improvement. You need healing, not self-help. I hope you won't find this patronizing or feel as if I'm labelling you, but if what you wrote is true then I can tell you that you are literally wounded psychologically - and the damage is just as real and debilitating as if you had broken your leg or arm. Your problem is not a matter of, well, fixing a problem: it's a matter of getting the proper care and help that you need to heal.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Self-help never got me anywhere; it helped a little, but the change was negligible. It's only since I've been going to therapy and getting proper psychiatric help that I've been slowly getting better. Like I said before, you should view your situation as one of being wounded and in need of healing - because that's literally what it is. It's got nothing to do with your energetic vibration or having the wrong thought patterns.

Please understand that this is not something you can fix yourself or go at alone: you will need professional care to get better (hell, or even if you just call a helpline to talk to people).

And I just want to ask you a question, and I promise you that it is relevant: are you asian? (I am, and I'm guessing that you are too)

[Parthon]

At age 21 I was broke with 1 failed degree and no job. At age 26 I was broke with 3 failed degrees and no job. I'm turning 30 in a month and a bit and I'm broke with 3 failed degrees and no job. I don't have a partner, and my friends and family are too busy with their own life to be supportive.

But, everything is great!

Money is just a number on a piece of paper. Friends and family are there to enrich your life, not support you. What matters is what you can do, and what empowers and fulfills you.

I think you haven't really been fulfilled in a long time. It's time to go looking for it. There's no need to throw away everything that you've worked for just yet, but it can't be the other thing in your life anymore.

And the way there is through Steve's advice. 20 minutes a day of visualising what you want. It will give you the aha moment you need, and the guidance to find out where to go next, all without ruining your life.

And remember, while you are breathing, you are alive, everything is just circumstances that don't really matter. Numbers in a computer and words on paper can't destroy you.

[songindarkness]

I have screwed up my whole life at 26 and I have nowhere to go...

but UP

Thank you, themaster!!!! That's really a great way of turning it around.

Right. We fail if we die without achieving. Until then we still have a fighting chance to succeed.

True. I want to succeed! I hope I can.

It looks to me that lack of sleep is making you to feel depressed, without energy to socialize, and to see all the negative angles of the situation. You may need to have a tight sleeping schedule in order to feel better. It may be that simple.

I think sleeping will help - I always have trouble sleeping though. I think that's part of my problem.

songindarkness, I just want to say first that I really appreciate the courage it must have taken to be so honest with us; and I know you probably feel desperate right now but I can assure you that the feelings you have now will pass and that things can get better

Thank you, m18pak. I am in therapy now, at university, and it's helping quite a bit, but I'm still feeling very low and I'm trying to get help. Thanks for being so sympathetic. Actually, in answer to your other question, I am Asian, sort of, I'm 5/8 Indian, 1/4 Chinese and 1/8 English. Quite a mix.

And remember, while you are breathing, you are alive, everything is just circumstances that don't really matter. Numbers in a computer and words on paper can't destroy you

Thanks Parthon! I hope things work out for you too!

[m18pak]

Oh, OK. I was just curious because from what you described:

I have very supportive parents who love me but they have been very critical and negative my whole life, telling me I had to work and study hard, and that whatever I did I could do better, and always fighting with me to try and make me do more work.

It just sounded to me like they were asian, or at least had a very asian mindset (I know I'm kinda making a sweeping generalization but it holds true in the majority of cases).

Anyway, I wanted to recommend this article to you: Real Jesus,

Now I should just warn you beforehand that it's written by a man who claims to be chanelling Jesus Christ. I have no idea whether he is the real deal or not, but I have found a lot of his stuff extremely wise and helpful. The gist of his article is that emotions can be hurt and damaged just like the physical body can, and that to heal your emotions you need to engage in rest and ritual. But anyway I'll let you read it for yourself.

I hope you overcome your obstacles in life.

[songindarkness]

m18pak: I suppose it's true. My parents have that mindset. My Dad is half-Chinese and I think that influenced how we were brought up a lot. I think Indian upbringing is fairly similar although maybe warmer. I would call myself Asian, or Eurasian, anyway. I usually tell people I'm mixed lol.

Thank you, I think that I have been struggling with things for so long, I forget that maybe the only way they will get better is with lots of rest. Hope you sort out your problems as well.

[Trezker]

Perhaps you have the bellef. "No matter what I do it's not good enough"
I think having that belief means you'll never be satisfied with your achievements, you will never be happy with your work.

So, if you have that, try to eliminate it.