Should I move or stay home

[loveliketheflowers]

Hello......I am having a really hard time staying at home with my gparents. I love them dearly but they are very judgmental, with old school values, and never seem happy or satisfied with me and my life. I am twenty four years old and I am not perfect but I am not a bad person nor do I hurt people or want to hurt anyone. I am very respectful of other people and all I want in my life is to be in a peaceful environment and happy with myself and able to take care of myself and I do not feel that way living here. My gfather tells me he wants me to be "perfect" (his words) and he wants me to be in a office or better than everyone else, but I am doing the best I can right now. I go to school full time and work also, and they still want to have me on a curfew or home at a certain time. And if I am ten minutes late from when I said I would be home they give me an attitude or give me the silent treatment and don't talk to me at all for a few days and there is a lot of tension in the house. I am very tired of being treated this way when I am doing nothing wrong at all. I respect them and respect there rules, sometimes not going anywhere for days and if I leave once they become unhappy. I have been looking for rooms for rent and checked a few places out in person and really want to move by the 1st. The only thing holding me back is my grandparents and having their approval and I don't want to be yelled at or not have their support. I know they want me to stay here they tell me it is free and it is my house anyway. But I feel like it is not my space and I am so limited in what I can do which is pretty much nothing. I do nothing all day but go to school and to work and study and I have no social life because my friends get off work in the evening after 5p and want to hang out at 8p or 9p and my grandparents tell me that is too late to be out. Nothing makes them happy it seems like. They always want me at home and in my room and I can't take this anymore. I really want to move. I know I can afford it and this is the mature step I need to take to make my life better and happier. Do you think this is a good idea and what should I keep in mind if I do move? Also I feel like I won't be able to tell them I want to move because I will be judged or yelled at, what should I do on the g/p situation and how should i tell them or should i tell them at all? Am I making the right decision by wanting to move and have my own space? I want to move so much but I feel like something is holding me back (myself,my anxiety, my worries) or something will go wrong and I will have to keep staying here, forever. I just don't feel like its healthy for me staying here anymore when I am an adult (twenty four yrs old). Please help.

[D Castle]

Hi Loveliketheflowers!

As an objective observer: everything you communicated in your post indicates that you STRONGLY want to move out. From what you are illustrating - the thing that is holding you back is fear of being yelled out or thought badly by your grandparents.

In my experience it is always best to follow your true desires. Your desire to move out does not seem unreasonable - therefore, any negativity received from anyone for doing so would be completely unwarranted. At some point or another all young adults come to a point where they move out (I am 24 myself and have been living away from my parents since 18) this is a perfectly natural part of life if you feel it is what you truly want. In my experience it was a very liberating and productive period of self-development for me.

As far as your hesitant feelings about your grandparents being mad - this is a block you will need to overcome. It will make you stronger in the long run to realize that no one runs your life but you. I highly encourage you to read Steve's book Personal Development for Smart People. Trust me, it is packed with such great information that is helpful with living to your fullest potential.

Hope you make the decision that truly resonates with you.

What is it that you truly want?

[loveliketheflowers]

Thank you D Castle for your advice

What do I truly want?
What I truly want is the privilege to have my own space, my own privacy, a place of peace and not having to worry about disappointing someone because my choices when my choices are not hurting myself or anyone else. The freedom to see my friends and not have to worry about what time I have to be home and stressing the whole night around my friends that I have to leave pretty soon so I can get home in time so my gparents won't be upset and not talk to me the next day. I feel like I deserve to have peace in my life and my own personal space. I am a responsible and mature person and I know I will be able to take care of myself just fine. But my fear is not making my gparents happy and them not supporting me in my decision and being told negative things all the time. But I just have to get over that and do what I want to do and want I feel like I need to do in my life.

[The Big D]

Move out. 24 is about 6 years too late. Luckily this is an issue you can correct nearly immediately and with only a little financial pain. I promise you being responsible for your own, well, everything is far better than being parented once you're an adult.

[alekseykravtsun]

give youserlf a try, get some of friends house to stay there for 30 days, let you gparents be sure that you are not going to change your opinion, then make this trial. This is easer than move out forever and strongly believe during this period most of your fears will fly away. You said that you are working, don't you make enough to rent a room? Or find a gfriend and stay at her home But stop burning yourself in environment you been described.

[BrettAshlee]

We teach people how to treat us. Facing your grandparents' disapproval may be difficult, but in the end it will lead to being treated with more respect. Much of their behavior may be out of genuine concern - and as you take steps to demonstrate your independence and ability to be responsible for yourself, they will learn to appreciate your leadership in your own life, and trust that you are capable of taking care of yourself.

[Aleksander Krstic]

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

Hello......

First step would be to change that wall of text into paragraphrs. No j/k.

But seriously I think I'm definitely going to move out at your age(I'm 19 almost 20). I'm already building my self-discipline of doing my chores or responsibilities.

I think you don't have to worry about something going wrong if you move out. Just keep a positive attitude(even if you don't believe in LOA) and you'll be fine.

[Manomanman]

I've had problems like this my whole life - do you make the passionate choice or do you make the "safer" choice?

In the end, I think you should work on building up your competence and safety, and then make the passionate choice when you're comfortable doing it. Don't wait too long - move out when you're ready, but DO NOT IDLE. Make real progress toward your goal.

[MagicalRealist]

First, it's time you got acquainted with paragraph breaks. They are your friends (and your readers').

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

I go to school full time and work also, and they still want to have me on a curfew or home at a certain time. And if I am ten minutes late from when I said I would be home they give me an attitude or give me the silent treatment and don't talk to me at all for a few days and there is a lot of tension in the house.

[...]

The only thing holding me back is my grandparents and having their approval and I don't want to be yelled at or not have their support.

Guess what? You don't have their approval or support right now.

Right now, you only get their approval by struggling to meet their every little expectation--by being "perfect." But you're human, and can't be "perfect" all the time, and the second you're not? They withdraw their support. It's called manipulation, no matter how well-intentioned they may be.

You don't have their approval. It might seem like you do as long as you follow their rules, but it's conditional--the second you make a mistake, or try to push beyond their rules, it's gone.

Move. Get out now. You're miserable where you are, you can afford to do it, and at 24 it's high time you lived on your own.

And yes, your grandparents will be angry; they will judge you and yell at you, and no doubt express their disapproval in other hurtful ways. They will probably say horrible things to you--call you ungrateful, tell you you're doomed to fail, etc. No matter how much they might love you, they are also manipulative and controlling, and they are not going to respond well to losing control over you.

But for your sake--not just now, in your relationship with them, but also in the future, in relationships with other people--you need to learn to act in your own interest, despite the guilt trips and power plays. You need to learn to deal with their disapproval, and let them be as angry as they want without it affecting you. You have to stop taking on the burden of responsibility for their anger--you are not responsible for how they feel or how they choose to act.

Because if you don't learn this now? In the future, you'll meet somebody else who will do the same sorts of things. Maybe it will be a boss, maybe it will be a co-worker, maybe it will be a boyfriend. They will make their crappy behavior your fault, if you let them. If you don't learn how to deal with your grandparents' manipulative, controlling behavior now, you'll get stuck having to learn it from someone else, in the future.

So yes, definitely move out. But while moving out will solve some of your problems, it won't solve all of them. You need to leave behind your need for your grandparents' approval, and your willingness to jump through any hoops to get it.

[loveliketheflowers]

thank you for all the great advice and advice on using paragraph breaks. I'll keep that in mind from now on.

Do you have any advice on how to tell my gp's i'm moving? I would like to avoid a confrontation or any negativity or some extreme drama (i tell them, they tell me i'm stupid and shouldn't do it, they walk away and don't talk to me and give me silent treatment til i leave). Any help or suggestions?

[Shane]

Move out.

Tell them and face the music. You see, I believe this is a very essential part of growing up. Not just on your part, but also on your grandparents' part.

You will realize that you really are an independant human being and the disapproval and opinions of others can only affect you up to a certain point.
And they (your grandparents) will have to realize this, too.

Move out and live on your own. It will bring an entirely new set of challenges for you, but it will be way better than what you've experienced so far. And hey, this is an important step in your developement. If your grandparents really have the best intentions for you, they will understand this.
And if they don't... well, what are they going to do about it?