Personal growth and a young family

[oxeia]

Hi there, first post and all.

At the end of the month I'll hopefully be dad of my 2nd son we'll have 2 kinds under the age of 3 then. This seems to left little time to do some personal growth (apart from being a dad).

Anybody else with young children out there? How do you deal with that?

Bye,
Erik

[AmandaP]

I've got three boys, and your right somedays it feels like thats no time. What i do if I catch myself feeling that ways is to just sit down with my new baby boy (3mths old) and watch him, talk to him. People say the eyes are the window to the soul. i find that by just sitting with him my mind calms and I start to think 'what are you thinking about little guy?' This leads me of on a thought pattern of what could he really be thinking which creates a sack of questions in my mind. I find those quetions enable in to grow slowly with a new thought pattern that I wouldn't have experienced without his help.

Also I find reading old story books to my kids helps me to stretch my imagination and thats always a positive thing.

[emilytrey]

I have a little girl who is 2 years and 10 months old, and a little boy who is 10months old. My little girl is deaf and has recently had cochlear implant surgery to restore her hearing. That creates even more of a challenge because he definately requires so much extra time and effort because we have to teach her how to hear and talk daily.

I have wrestled with this problem for a long time because you don't have the time to read, plan, meditate, pray, etc. that you would normally have. It is definately hard to juggle.

A couple of things that I am now doing that work for me are:

1. I stay at work for an extra 45 min- 1 hour after my work is done and I read, meditate, review goals and other things. If you can't stay at work, then maybe you could stop at the library or a park on your way home for an hour.

2. After I put them to bed, I take the next 30 minutes for myself to also dedicate to personal development. After I have spent that time, then my wife and I get to spend quality time together

The thing that would be the best of all, would be to wake up an hour and a half before the rest of the house. Then, you are not infringing on family time, time with your wife or anyone else. It is like free time. However, I have been trying to do this with very, very limited success for a long time.

Just my .02

[JohnnyJimJams]

Hey oxeia,

I have a little girl, nearly 2 Y.O., and we are expecting another little bundle on the 1st of March (Earlier if my wife gets her way ).

I don't look at my kids as being detrimental to my personal development, but to being pivotal to my personal development. When I am with my daughter, I am constantly thinking how I can help her to be happier, smarter, stronger more persistant, etc.

Scenario 1
"Do you want to go to the park?"
{her face lights up, and she runs for her shoes}

At the park I can unwind after a tough day at the office, and think about what I want, and how to get it, and my princess gets out of the house, gets to play, gets to hang out with her dad, and mum gets a break.


Scenario 2
"Do want to help daddy feed the dog?"
{her face lights up and she runs to the back door}

This is a fun routine, I enjoy feeding the dog more, she helps by shutting the fridge door (this is her job), and she also puts the "dog bone thingy" on top of the meal, and then opens the back door for me.... I give her lots of praise and she always walks off with a confident, "look at me" skip in her step.

It's not always butterflys and rainbows, but since you're running the show, set it up with daily fun and learning.

[AndyMartin]

Yeah, I've got two boys, 6 and 2, and let me just say, boy are you in for it!

Did you know studies have shown that the vast majority of people cease to grow in any substantive way around the age or 25-30 and generally don't start up again until their 50s or 60s. Any guesses why?

Two recommendations. First, make sure that you schedule time for yourself to pursue your aspirations; also make sure your partner does the same. Two kids is exponentially more effort than one, so it's going to be that much more important to mutually ensure each other's sanity and fulfillment.

Second, realize that you're not going to be able to do everything that you want to do in terms of personal growth just because the needs of your kids will come first. But that does not have to be a limiting factor. If you're taking a growth approach to life, being a parent will give you opportunity to grow, though it's not a guarantee of growth.

And most importantly, have fun. Nothing promotes growth more than finding joy in everything simply as it is. No need to explain, rationalize or find a reason why bad is good; just live in joy all the time.

[dcaldwell]

I've got five boys and girls ranging from 7 months to 8 years old. Part of my "fatherly responsibility" is to ensure I'm happy and healthy enough to care for the kids as well as show them life as an individual adult doesn't end when you have a family. Kids tend to watch and mimic behaviors and attitudes far more than we know, and one of the best gifts to give them is making your personal growth visible and accessible. My kids have come to know it's important to me and give me the space I need to practice it, just as I give them space to practice what interests them, which fosters a mutual respect. Sometimes I let them observe and help, which can often add wonderful depth to whatever we're doing.

[Lola]

Ahhhh - small children - nothing quite so delightful and so exhausting all at once!

I offer a perspective from *the other side* as my little bundle of joy is 6'1", 200 lbs., and 22 - years not months. While I certainly was not a perfect mother, we had a lot of laughter in our house. I've loved him like crazy every day of his life, made sure he knew it, and I did the absolute best I was able to do at the moment in every moment. So with great wisdom and insight (*snicker*) I offer my thoughts -

1. There's no better arena for living in the now, being present in the moment, than when you're with your child. Always be with them when you're with them. Twenty years from now you'll see how quickly it's all gone by, and many things that seemed like such big deals at the time are really quite inconsequential.

2. Like AndyMartin said - schedule time for yourself, encourage your partner to do the same and nurture your relationship with that other parent. The kids WILL grow up and they WILL move out and their need for you WILL diminish over the years. You need to still have a you when that happens.

3. Early rising was the key for me (you can do it emilytrey! ). Having the silent house to myself for an hour or so every morning gave me time to read, pray, meditate, and wrap my head around my day. I found things to be more of a struggle whenever I gave in to sleeping in.

4. And when the kids are older and participating in extracurricular activities, I suggest setting guidelines and limits. My son's thing was sports. He could play whatever he wanted - one sport/one team per season. I've known many families over the years with multiple children playing multiple sports year round. Chaos ensues, parents and children are over-tired and overwhelmed, and the family rarely has any real time together.

Most of all, have fun and don't take things too seriously. It is just life after all. Kids are amazing and resilient and (if they pay attention) their parents will be, too.

I think you'll all be just terrific!

[oxeia]

Hi,

thanks for all your replies. I really appreciate them.

@emilytrey: I've thought of staying at work longer and doing personal growth stuff during that time before. But I do not want to let my wife wait any longer for me to come home. I like the idea to get up earlier (or stay up late - what I'm doing right now). I managed to do this a number of times but it has not grown into a habit for me. And in a few days, with a newborn I somehow think it's a good idea to take as much sleep as possible because you never know how much you'll get at all in any given night. (I even remember Steve's article on regularly getting up early explicitly excludes young parents) But of course this will eventual change in some months or so.

@JohnnyJimJams: I don't look at my kids as being detrimental to my personal development, either. I learn a lot. I just try to figure out to still reserve some time for myself.

@AndyMartin: thanks for your input! You scare me a bit about "two kids being exponentionally more effort then one" - I thought more of logarithm.. more effort. Mhm. Anyway I'll try to take your recommendations into account. Thanks!

@dcaldwell: very interesting! Can you please give an example for what kind of growth "exercise" your kids can watch you?

Erik

[dadeon]

You can try and find ways to use your N.E.T time (No Extra Time) like when you are driving or in the bath or exercising. Get yourself an ipod and head over to Nightingale Conant.

You don't need 3 hours a day for personal growth. I believe that the most important part of personal growth is PRACTISE and to use and aply some simple ideas. So often people get caught up in learning new stuff without ever applying it. You don't need a ton of new ideas to improve your life. you need some simple ideas that you can apply.