Approach Anxiety: The Saying Authentically Stupid Things Game

[Angela]

The game of saying prepared stupid things to strangers with the intention of inuring yourself to rejection -- letting yourself experience that you will survive it, and also that people are generally more willing to connect with you than your gremlins want you to know* -- is a powerful launching pad, but you might want to move beyond using canned stupid things before it becomes a new habit. If you find yourself seeking out new stupid lines to use, and not developing other, more authentic connection and engagement tools, you may be venturing into the realm of codependent inauthenticity. To a person who only has a hammer, everything looks like a nail, and pretty soon people get tired of being hammered and nailed all the time.

Have you ever taken an improv class? If you have, you'll know that when you prepare "funny" lines in advance and bring them into an improvised scene, they tend to fall flat -- they suck the life out of the interaction. Beginners do this a lot -- they make lists of funny scene starters, which is a great way to warm up and loosen up your brain, but then they make the mistake of consciously clinging to those lines and trying to ejaculate them into the scene, which tends to make your partner feel, I hope you will pardon the expression, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, as opposed to feeling like they're dancing with you.

Once you've experienced the exhilaration and freedom that has come from the rejection game, why not try moving into a new, advanced game of authentic connection and relating -- authentically improvising in your interactions with strangers. Especially attractive strangers! You can practice on people who don't attract you so much, if that feels less risky (but the "less attractive" people you pick are also attractive to you in a less obvious way, so it's valuable to notice what the attraction is. Something you see in the mirror that is an "unattractive person" may be reactivating an old limiting belief for you, for instance.)

To play this new game, allow yourself to really be present to a stranger (free of your pre-arranged lines, free of your judgements about the person, as much as possible) ask your unconscious mind to play a game of authentic connection and beneficial relationship, slow down, and open your mouth and see what comes out. It may very well be something incredibly stupid: "Hey, girl carrying a volleyball. You look like the most fun childhood vacation I ever had." Or it may be something very simple and straightforward: "Hello, Canary Islands t-shirt man. My name is Angela, what's yours?" Being authentic and improvisational and really present (not clowny) breathes life into interactions, and that is something that can make you tremendously charismatic.

Authentically stupid is okay, though; it gives your partner the chance to respond authentically, too. It can also open the curtain on any clues that this person may not be your ideal scene partner -- for instance, if they respond mean-spiritedly or snub-nosedly. That is THEIR unconscious mind letting you know what kind of habitual thought patterns they are being run by. Not everyone is a good match for you, and it's nice to filter out the ones that aren't, right from the get go (before you get all smitten and chicken-opera-y).

I think you may be surprised, though, by how inherently playful people are, and how grateful we tend to be when given an opening to relating, and how likely people are to engage with you if you approach them authentically.

This works best if you've already unloaded some old negative emotion and limiting belief, so that your unconscious mind can present positive and beneficial connection for you, rather than perpetuating old destructive patterns. ("Hey, big-mouthed girl, you remind me of my mom!") So if you haven't done that work, I don't recommend playing this game. I also recommend playing this game only when you are at least mostly sober -- alcohol tends to skew the results. But for those of you who have cleaned up and cleared out, like going to Steve's workshop or TIME Techniques or Landmark Education or The Work, it's a great exercise for boldly using your courage in ways that can lead to actual relationship, not to mention providing memorable stories for when your date brings you to Thanksgiving at her parents and everyone wants to know how you met.

Give the adventure of authentic unconscious connection a try. Use spinning and/or anchoring to get yourself into a really confident, feeling-good state, and to get into rapport with your unconscious mind. And don't forget to use the "Yes...And" tool!

*because your gremlins (old habitual thought patterns, stored up negative emotions, and limiting decisions) don't want you to kill them off, and keeping you in the fearful dark is a great way for them to stay alive.

[aggie]

i LOVE it!

i think as i've gotten older and cared less about what others think, i have gotten better at the incredibly stupid part...and you are so right...it someone responds positively...it is so much fun!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by aggie

i LOVE it!

i think as i've gotten older and cared less about what others think, i have gotten better at the incredibly stupid part

It takes the pressure off the other person!

(11:11 )

[James81]

I see canned openers as a sort of "training wheels" exercise through which a not-so-confident person gains momentum. I think that most people who use them learn to discard them after they become more inherently authentic.

I did like the part about the playful nature of people, and I think that seems to fit the "game" theme that's going around here lately, don't you think?

[Angela]

Ha! Yes, there is a game theme lately, isn't there!

[LostMyMap]

Awesome as usual Angela.

I suppose the fact that I noticed that you got the word ejaculate in there as well as talk about nailing people says more about me in this moment.

Seriously though, one thing I learned and pass on to others is to do what you are suggesting with people that aren't exactly total strangers, but people you don't really know yet. Cashiers, bank tellers, wait-persons, people you interact with anyway, but often with your head down and with the minimum of talk. If you feel a little shy about the total stranger thing, you can start with these people.

I have this great rapport with a cute bank teller. We talk a little more than we need to in order to get the bank transactions done. There isn't really any intent there, just us being nice to each other and maybe flirting a little. We both seem to enjoy it and it feels nice. The only cost is for me to let down the shields and pay attention.

[st33med]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

Awesome as usual Angela.

Angela posted this last year.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by st33med

Angela posted this last year.

Who did that?

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by James81

I see canned openers as a sort of "training wheels" exercise through which a not-so-confident person gains momentum. I think that most people who use them learn to discard them after they become more inherently authentic.

I need training wheels. I'm a toddler!

This is an excellent idea, Angela. I've been trying to LET myself say "stupid" things, but actually it would be more effective to think of it as trying to SAY stupid things. Without the middleman of let, you know. Or even try. That's what I'm doing with confidence. Instead of thinking of myself as trying to be confident, and remaining in a perpetual state of trying, I say, "I am self-confident." I skip straight to what I want and let go of the trying. Admittedly, it doesn't work 100% of the time, but it works a lot more often than the previous way.