Dwelling over the past

[thenzengineer]

Hi everyone,
I have a problem and that is I think about my past mistakes too often, actually everyday and it is distracting me from concentrating on the present.It gets my esteem down at times and I hate that.

As an example I repent spending an extra year at college which means graduating in 2011 not 2010, since I made bad choices selecting my subjects. Its not just that, any mistakes in life no matter how small I will dwell on it.

Anyone know of any tips for me to get over this?

[findinginspiration]

Dwelling on your past can be tough. Maybe if you can figure out a way to pull out the positives to the situation. In every situation there is opportunity if your mindstate is focused on moving forward. So maybe you identify what the opportunity might be and you can close the doors on the past.

I also think that having true confidence in yourself somewhat allows you to be ok with what's happened in the past - because you know that you can deal with it and overcome to achieve success...

[sidsavara]

I think you may have a focus on the "past negative" according to Dr. Philip Zimbardo's Time Perspective Inventory

Check it out here - My Favorite Free Online Personality Type Tests and Psychology Tests

There is a great 1 hour lecture on that page that you may enjoy

I think that by getting to the root of understanding your views on time you may understand better how to deal with your present. It really helped me out, I learned a lot about myself and it truly helped me learn how to work better with others

[DeborahM]

Hey there. Believe it or not, we have a lot in common.

I think for you to overcome the past, you must simply move on. Easier said than done but if you can't move on with your life and appreciate the present, then you'll be a sad sad person. I listened to church last Sunday and the message was so approriate, i felt like it was directed towards me only, the pastor said, "do NOT live in the past, do NOT blame the past. the past is what it is, the PAST. focus on the present and move on."

I hope you can do it. It really changes everything once you let go of the past.

[FazK]

Let me tell you buddy i've had major f**ck up's in my life that have cost me YEARS. But guess what i laugh about it now. Realize that you have to let go and that you cant change anything so just forget about it. Dwelling on it endlessly will just stuff up your life even more

[CoolBee]

Agree with the other posters - there will be some good 'learning' from your f*k ups!
People you may have met, ideas you may have encountered, experiences you have gained which you would not have had you not made those choices.

Just spend an hour or so sketching out all the people/places/experiences you have met/visited/had via your 'wrong' choice that you wouldn't have met otherwise, and what have you learnt about yourself - there must have been a good reason at the time by your then model of the world for making the choice that you did - what was that? How have you changed and come to decide it was a mistake?

I kicked myself for a couple of years over a decision I took when I was 22 - I was desperate for work (bad recession at the time) and vastly over-qualified. I was offered a job with an intruder/fire alarm company and accepted it, despite the company's misgivings that I wouldn't stick it out. A few weeks later I was offered a better paid post on a (rare at the time) graduate training scheme as a programmer / systems analyst with a huge international firm. BUT I chose to stay where I was so the company would not penalize others who may find themselves in my shoes.

When I saw the salaries friends who were working in similar firms were earning within a couple of years I was kicking myself so badly BUT

eventually I realised three things (1) loyalty to corporate employers seriously does NOT pay (2) the board of Directors can completely change several times in a couple of years but they have almost zero impact on the day to day running of the company that customers experience - the local, visible, General Manager's value system had far greater impact, but MOSTLY (3) the experience I had gained from my lowly 'customer liaison' role gave me an insight in to so many different areas of the company - installations, maintenance, service control sets ups, central monitoring stations, contracts, accounts payables, accounts receivables, credit control, etc etc, that for someone who had only ever experienced academia and whose parents were also embedded in the 'intellectual' side of life, it was an absolutely fantastic training ground which had I been on a traditional formal graduate training scheme, I could not have hoped to have covered in the same period of time.

This wide-ranging experience stood me in very great stead moving on, enabling me to empathize with and understand issues in many parts of organisations.

[CoolBee]

Originally Posted by thenzengineer

Its not just that, any mistakes in life no matter how small I will dwell on it.

PS There are NO mistakes - only feedback

[brendannz]

"he who never made a mistake, never made a discovery" - Someone

"I've failed again, again, and again in my career, and that is why I succeed" - Michael Jordan

Everybody has the problem of dwelling on the past too much, I think. I know I do..

a book to read that may help is "The Power Of Now" by Echart Tolle, I think everybody should read this book.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by brendannz

a book to read that may help is "The Power Of Now" by Echart Tolle, I think everybody should read this book.

I agree that reading The Power of Now can be profoundly helpful to many people. I recommend it to folks who are in search of .... meaning at any time in their life.

[Tristan Lee]

You have to start by realizing the past is the past. There's nothing you can do to change the past.

I know it hurts emotionally to think about the screw-ups we have had in the past. If I could change somethings, I would to. But life isn't supposed to give us all the answers beforehand; we're supposed to live life's challenges in the moment.

Don't dwell on the past. Live right now; live in this moment, and focus on what you can do better for the future.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Gene

I agree that reading The Power of Now can be profoundly helpful to many people. I recommend it to folks who are in search of .... meaning at any time in their life.

I'd like to read it again, but unfortunately lent it to a friend, hopefully he'll get good use out of it..

[hawkal]

You could always try asking "Why?"

Get some pen and paper and at the top write your problem.

"I keep reflecting on the past in a negative way"

Then ask yourself why? Then write down the responses branching off the main problem. Then just keep asking why to all the responses you get untill you get to the root cause of the problem.

It could turn out to be a bad belief. Maybe you don't like the fact that all your peers will be leaving a year before you making your extra year feel like a punishment like detention but then what if that extra year puts you in a better position when you leave college. Closer to your goals. By knowing the root cause it's easier to work them out, maybe with some action to take.

Also consider that you must have had some good reasons for applying for a longer course when you did. Maybe you should reflect on those reasons. Unless college has proven them to be false.

[James Reno]

In Golf

I think it was either Bobby Jones or Ben Hogan when asked by a reporter what the most important shot in golf was and he replied "the next shot"

I love the simplicity of that statement and it is so true. Focus on the moment and get it right. Thinking in the past will distract you, thinking too far ahead will distract you.

[profitatlast]

I hope you went to the site that Sidsavara recommended and watched the first video. I think that site could have some inspirational motivation for you on how you can burn your bridges and live for the now.


Fran

[gg282]

I think you may be causing yourself to much anxiety over your decisions.

I also think it is important to make good decisions, but you'll also be more stronger and smarter from making bad decisions too. (as long as they are not stupid)

However anything you decide to do in life will have consequences, good or bad. Just don't make the same bad decision twice!