Talking with authority

[bluedragon]

What are some of the methods you used to improve the way you speak in everyday life, in order to inspire more authority, and to have people listen to you and enjoy your conversation?

I recently discovered that I need to improve the way I talk. I participated in a training where we recorded a video of each participant speaking about a subject he was interested in. When we watched and commented the videos, none of us was content with himself, but for different reasons. In my case, everybody felt that I wasn't speaking with conviction, even though I was. I was also amazed to hear how my voice sounded. This may be some kind of psychological effect, but still, I'm pretty sure I don't sound nearly as good as I thought. It's like listening to a different person. Since then, I can hear myself in my head the same way I heard my voice on the recording, and I don't like it. Whenever I am not really sure of what I'm saying and I am not in a position of authority, my voice changes in an unpleasant way.

What are your suggestions?

[Michelle]

Like everything else, your voice reflects largely reflects your current emotional, physical and mental state. A good hairstylist can tell a lot about you based upon your hair. A good voice teacher can do the same based upon what she hears.

When you are upset your voice will sound different than when you are tired or hungry or cold or happy or joyful and so on. Singers learn to develop a professional disposition which allows them to perform regardless of their state, but good ones understand how to use what is going on with them instead of trying to block it out. The same goes for people who are excellent speakers.

That said, you will always sound different in your own head than on a tape recorder. It is normal.

Some basic improvements one can make to help their voice are:

Standing will a good balanced posture (not to stiff, not too relaxed) with both feet planted on the ground. Your knees must still be flexible. Breathe deeply, but do not pump yourself up with air. If you have trouble getting a deep breath blow all your air out first (most people take in much too much when they are nervous or someone tells them to breathe deeply) and then breathe in calmly. Speak up, speak clearly and with confidence (this is easy if you believe in what you are talking about). Move a bit, look at people in the eye when you speak directly to them. Videotape yourself. Make sure you wear clothing you feel beautiful, comfortable and confident in. Be extremely well prepared.

There are tons of tips all over the net, but it can be useful to have a few hours with a good vocal coach.

[bluedragon]

Originally Posted by Michelle

Like everything else, your voice reflects largely reflects your current emotional, physical and mental state. A good hairstylist can tell a lot about you based upon your hair.

Than I'm screwed Cause my hair also used to look pretty weird because it is ondulated... I feel such a discrepancy between who I think I am and how I appear... Luckily, I just got back from a hairstylist and I am more confident in my hairstyle right now

About the voice - I'm referring to the way we speak in day-to-day interactions, not speaking in front of an audience.

I noticed some people show a lot of authority when speaking - it's like, you are afraid to contradict them, they inspire confidence and by the way they speak, you can tell they don't make mistakes and they are very precise and responsible with their work. People generally tend to trust them, they don't blame them for things that happen, and they don't try to make fun of them (only with them).

[Michelle]

Originally Posted by bluedragon

About the voice - I'm referring to the way we speak in day-to-day interactions, not speaking in front of an audience.

There isn't much difference, IMHO. Either you have authority and it follows you everywhere or you don't. You can follow a lot of the tips I gave to improve some superficialities but you must cultivate "authority" as a feeling, as a way of being for it to feel good. People with authority are often authentic. They don't change themselves for each new person who crosses their path. They know who they are, rest confidently at home in themselves and trust in life. It is a path.

You may with to examine the reasons you don't feel powerful or authoritative and go from there. Spending time visualising and feeling your ideal state of being will also help you attract it into your life. It will begin to feel more real to you and soon you will be living it!

[sidsavara]

For me, personally, I speak with authority when I am 100% sure I am right

A side note, I speak differently when the camera is on me. I think it is because the camera causes you to become self conscious. Practicing speaking to a webcam has improved it, but if I don't speak to a camera for sometime I again come across as a little unsure of myself - this may also be what's happening to you.

If you think you are having trouble speaking in public though, you may want to try out some of the exercises I did to increase my abilities for speaking in public:

Speaking in Public: A Step-By-Step Guide to Overcome Public Speaking Anxiety

I would definitely recommend trynig it again in front of a camera a few times though unless you are absolutely sure it didn't affect you - it is after all just subtle changes in our body language and inflection that make dramatic changes in how we are perceived =)

[Angela]

Originally Posted by bluedragon

What are some of the methods you used to improve the way you speak in everyday life, in order to inspire more authority, and to have people listen to you and enjoy your conversation?

Do you want to speak with authority, or do you want people to listen to you and enjoy your conversation? Not necessarily the same thing.

If you want it all, you can have it. One way is to become an authority on a subject that interests you. Open yourself up like a monk to great learning, practice the learnings, find out what works well for you and for others. When you've gotten to a point of being very confident that the resources you've got work really well, all you have to do is open your mouth and share with a win/win intention -- for the person you're speaking to to get the best possible value, and for you to get value out of the conversation as well.

If you're on your path to great learning, just fess up to that. It's fun to speak with people who are on the path to great learning! "Here's what I've noticed; how about you?" That just opens you up to more learning -- you are totally free to adjust your beliefs and actions as you go along, to make them work better, and the flexible person has the most influence.

And you may find it funny to see how wise people will think you are if you simply listen generously to them, with a perspective of THEM being the authority.

[bluedragon]

Well, I have a lot of authority in my own life - I constantly change myself in ways that are completely foreign to all of the people in my life (except you guys) . And I have great success with it. But whenever I talk to someone about it, they dismiss it right away as the most stupid thing I could have said. If I say for example that waking up early is great cause it make you feel energized, they jump at me - "and how have you come to that conclusion? I think everyone is different. I could never do it" etc. It's not that I want someone else to do what I do, but I don't want them to think everything I say is ridiculous and that any advice I offer is simply the result of my ignorance to their situation. Sometimes someone would complain to me about something, and I feel compelled to give him a quick tip. I never insist (unless they counter me with some cliche irrational argument).

I'm sure that if someone else was there in my place, they would listen more carefully. Someone whose voice sounds better than my own, who articulates things differently. Someone who is known for generally being serious. Someone who talks in a more decisive manner.

Did you ever encounter such a person that everyone tended to agree with on any subject, who everyone took seriously and was hesitant to contradict him?

I want people to enjoy a conversation with me, but I can't enjoy it if everything I say is a fool's joke to them.

Maybe this happens because nobody I know is into improving themselves in any way (except professionally sometimes).

But I'm sure this problem also reflects in the way I talk when I'm on a date or when someone asks me a personal question, etc. I already expect not to be taken seriously. I unwillingly have the feeling that I can only convey 10% of my personality through the way I speak and behave.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by bluedragon

If I say for example that waking up early is great cause it make you feel energized, they jump at me - "and how have you come to that conclusion? I think everyone is different. I could never do it" etc. It's not that I want someone else to do what I do, but I don't want them to think everything I say is ridiculous and that any advice I offer is simply the result of my ignorance to their situation. Sometimes someone would complain to me about something, and I feel compelled to give him a quick tip. I never insist (unless they counter me with some cliche irrational argument).

It may be as simple as changing your linguistic perspective. I can see where you might encounter resistance to "Waking up early is great cause it makes you feel energized," because it tends to land as a universal, and the unconscious effect is to feel like choice has been limited. People resist without even realizing why they're resisting.

You might want to try switching to a perspective of your discovery of what works well for you, like "I'm feeling great and energized since I began my waking up early experiment." If someone complains to you and you feel compelled to give him a quick tip, try introducing it with, "What has worked well for me has been....xyz... maybe you'd like to try it and see how it works for you." If they counter with some cliche irrational argument, it doesn't mean anything about you; you can just say, "Ok, good luck with that!" If you get defensive, you'll undermine your authority for sure.

[quote]I already expect not to be taken seriously...I unwillingly have the feeling that I can only convey 10% of my personality through the way I speak and behave.[quote]

When did you decide that?

[bluedragon]

Originally Posted by Angela

It may be as simple as changing your linguistic perspective. I can see where you might encounter resistance to "Waking up early is great cause it makes you feel energized," because it tends to land as a universal, and the unconscious effect is to feel like choice has been limited. People resist without even realizing why they're resisting.

You might want to try switching to a perspective of your discovery of what works well for you, like "I'm feeling great and energized since I began my waking up early experiment." If someone complains to you and you feel compelled to give him a quick tip, try introducing it with, "What has worked well for me has been....xyz... maybe you'd like to try it and see how it works for you." If they counter with some cliche irrational argument, it doesn't mean anything about you; you can just say, "Ok, good luck with that!" If you get defensive, you'll undermine your authority for sure.

That makes a lot of sense. I still should improve the way I speak but the wording also matters, of course.

I already expect not to be taken seriously...I unwillingly have the feeling that I can only convey 10% of my personality through the way I speak and behave.
When did you decide that?

I didn't decide it, but I can see how people respond to me, and I can see myself in a video or a recording, and there is nothing in there that reminds me of myself. I am talking about style, charisma, etc here, not about who I am, how resourceful, how much energy I have etc. I'm talking about what shows on the outside.

[Shane]

As stated before, hearing your recorded voice is strange for everyone. You get used to it, though, if you hear recordings of yourself often.

As for speaking with authority, there are three main factors involved:
1. Posture, gestures, facial expressions
2. Tone and volume
3. Wording

There are millions of ways to improve each of these (I can get into some of them, if you like), but the one thing that will help the most is recording yourself on video, watching the video and then trying new stuff to see how it changes your appearance and authority. Get a friend to give you feedback. This is important because to a certain extent, we are unable to analyze our own body language.

Here are two concrete examples of what you can practice:
- Authoritative people tend to state things as facts, even if they are making stuff up on the spot. They won't begin their sentences with phrases like "Well, I think that..." or "I believe...".
Try stating things as facts, even if you are unsure of them. It feels weird, because you're basically bullshitting people, but try it out anyway, just to see how people react to it.
- When someone starts interrupting you while you are speaking, just raise your voice and continue. Keep raising your voice until they shut up. Again, this will feel very strange to you if you are normally not authoritative when you speak, but it works (for me, anyway). Also, interrupting people is very rude, so those who do it deserve to be out-alpha'd from time to time.

[Brutha]

Standing will a good balanced posture (not to stiff, not too relaxed) with both feet planted on the ground.

Telling someone to take a good posture won't give them good posture.

The thing that makes you have good posture goes through the vegetative nervous system and isn't something that you get through conscious muscle activation.
People who control their posture consciously are tense.
Of course it's a quick fix that gives you a few results, but it's not the maximum that you can get in posture.

At the moment I'm thinking of combining speaking excercises with specific movements.
Confident body language is not so much about which movements you make but about which movements you can make and how large your sphere of influence happens to be.
How much are you in control over your body when you are speaking?

Rehearsing speeches to Salsa Shires and Bachata body movements would be one idea that most people probably think is crazy but that I find very promising.

It's also a great way to safe time while doing both fitness and public speaking training at the same time.

At my last toastmaster speech people commented about how strongly my body language improved when I started 30 minutes salsa training every day in the week before that speech (and I didn't even rehearse the speech during that time).

[Talkofthatown919]

The way i improve how i speak daily is to always remain true to myself. Speak from within and feel the power of my words before i even speak them. Also knowing and believing that i have the power with words to cause that effect.

[Michelle]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Telling someone to take a good posture won't give them good posture.

If someone has a developed consciousness of their own body it can help as a reminder. Otherwise, you are right, there are many things which cannot be taught online.

Good posture is a thing of good overall health and balance (mentally, physically, emotionally) and of personal awareness of the body.

For example, people who are afraid automatically and unconsciously sink in at the chest. Those who are pretending to be confident will be stiff shouldered and much too wide open in the chest. Those who live and speak from their hearts will be open, yet flexible with a naturally maintained eutonus.

This is why it is beneficial to work not only on superficialities concerning the body, but on one's overall well-being. Beneficial physical side-effects often arise naturally as a result of inner work.

[elainevdw]

Do you have a Toastmasters group near you? With something like speech, it's probably best to practice and get feedback from people who listen to you. In fact, that's how you initially realized that you don't speak with the conviction that you thought you had. Getting tips on speaking confidently, then trying them out on people who can give you honest feedback, will certainly increase the level of conviction in your voice.

[ar81]

Non verbal communication plays an important role in any human interaction.
Authority is something you feel, the right to command, but also the responsibility of command. In a crisis, who becomes the captain?
Authority is about not letting others to have a doubt about what you want.

[karthikrajg]

I talk to someone about it, they dismiss it right away as the most stupid thing I could have said.

I have had exactly similar situations before. All I tried doing was to analyse and understand on a case by case basis who was wrong in that argument/discussion. Many times it would be the other person who was trying to make me feel "he is great". I stopped commenting on what they say whenever i talked to that particular person. A common observation with people of that sort is that they are quick - quick to comment. But a person like me would smile and be passive. So i started thinking ahead about how to react on certain situations to this person. In that way, i had a plan in hand all i had to do was to wait for the opportunity. I know it is not the right thing to do, but if i didn't do it then i will continue to be an underdog.

Cheers,
Karthik

Karthik's blog

[Remiel]

Have you picked up any resources on body language?

[Conan Stevens]

SPEAKING WITH AUTHORITY


(1) Know your subject
(2) Self Confidence

That's it.

For an example check out this interview that aired on TV last week:
Conan Stevens Interview On Pattaya TV


I said Uhmmm a lot which I will watch out for in future but all the questions were out of the blue and completely unrehearsed. Also there are some things I am not allowed to talk about in public and some things that I had to reword as I cannot say my mind as a public figure - if you watch there are a few instances where you will see my mind racing but changing course and I stumble on my words or react in a way that shows that I am thinking something that I do not want to say, and definitely not on public record.

[Angela]

Hey, Conan, long time no see! Nice to see you again here.

[Conan Stevens]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hey, Conan, long time no see! Nice to see you again here.

Thanks, just needed a positivity boost, so I came for a visit