My Mom doesn't want to save money

[jimmyk1006]

Who's complaining? I just like it how people make this much more than it really is.

After reading most of the replies, I know who's right in this situation.

You can look at this and say how nearly everyone is trying to help me, and how I'll only accept my own opinion. But in the end, you're just defending the perpetrator - my Mom. I know I'm not right at everything, but I know for sure that I'm right on this. No normal human being throws $1000 away for nothing. No one can rightfully justify that. It's affecting my family in a negative way, not just me. It's too bad I care.

All I wanted from here is people to agree with that. I didn't ask for the advice, or for the therapy. Many of you know what she's doing is wrong. All I kindly asked of you was to say she was wrong, in which she was. This was the new way in hopes of getting my Mom to change, since she hasn't budged since.

The reason why you all made this so big of a deal was when you read my first post, you all took it the wrong way when I used negative words to describe my Mom. That is the problem these days with text. People take text a whole different way, like as if it entails that I'm a stubborn mean person when I'm not. Do I have to put a smiley face in front of everything to show my current attitude?

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by jimmyk1006

You can look at this and say how nearly everyone is trying to help me, and how I'll only accept my own opinion. But in the end, you're just defending the perpetrator - my Mom. I know I'm not right at everything, but I know for sure that I'm right on this. No normal human being throws $1000 away for nothing. No one can rightfully justify that. It's affecting my family in a negative way, not just me. It's too bad I care.

Things aren't always so black and white. You can't assume that because others disagree with your approach that they are defending your mothers actions. Personally, I agree that it is a waste to be spending money insuring a car that is never driven. I try to be smart with money, and can see that what she is doing isn't smart.

I think the problem lies in how you are trying to get her to change. Obviously your current approach isn't working. How long will you continue failing with the same approach before you decide to try a different method? Different people respond to things differently. It seems apparent that your mom either does not respond well to receiving financial advice from her son, or she doesn't respond well to being told what to do by her son (maybe both). Maybe its time to find someone older who she respects to help your cause. Maybe there is another family member, or one of her co-workers, etc who she would be more receptive to hearing this message from. Or maybe you could find a way to change her views on the topic by subtly providing examples from your own life of how you were wasting money on unneeded services, and how happy you are to have realized and changed\ that behavior.

When it has all been said and done, however, if your mom doesn't want to change, she is not going to change. He that complies against his will
is of his own opinion still. If your mom does decide not to follow your advice, then that is entirely her right to do so. While you may not like her actions, she has no responsibility to you to behave in the way you want. As others have pointed out, it is her money to do with as she sees fit.

You seem to be concerned with how your mother's use of money will impact her in the future, which is a valid concern. Now is the time to figure out why she has these bad habits, and help her deal with the underlying reasons so that she can improve her habits for the future. Forcing her to drop insurance on the unused car and cancel the phone service now only help in the short term. Sure, she'll be saving money each year, but she will still have the bad habits that have put her in this situation. You will have helped yourself, and the other family members, but not really helped your mom. If you can find a different approach to use with her, though, that makes her truly see the issue, admit that she should change, and then implement a strategy to change, then you've helped her. You think that those of us who disagree with your approach to this situation must have a lack of compassion towards out mothers, but that isn't the case at all. The most loving and compassionate thing I can do for my mother is help her take responsibility for her own actions, to see where she has shortcomings, and help her decide to change on her own.

The other other thing I wanted to hit on, which you have not elaborated on thus far is the impact on the other family members. You have mentioned that this isn't just impact you, but also others in the family. How many others are we talking about, and what are their ages?

[stripysweatergirl]

Jimmyk's mom, you're crazy. Listen to your son, stop spending money and provide for your family.

Then take your son and teach him some god damn respect.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by jimmyk1006

Okay, then explain what's not foolish on what she's doing? A sane individual would not throw money away, which is what she's doing. And you're telling me to "see the situation from the view of [my] mother"? What situation are you talking about? The part where she is spending wasteful amounts of money on things she does not use, or the part where she is in denial about her actions?

And no, you're wrong about the part where you put "If we try to understand others, it's often easy to get them to change." If I understand the wrongful actions of my mother, then how the heck do I expect her to change? For example, if I understand a drug addict's decision of doing drugs, then of course he or she won't change. You have to tell the drug addict that it's wrong to do drugs. In this case, I'm telling my Mom that it's wrong to spend money on items that she does not use.

So, I need people to agree with my rightful position here that my Mom needs to start looking into her actions of spending wasteful sums of money.

Money is an imaginary concept. Money is not paper and coins anymore, just a digital score of a videogame of economy. You can't "throw money away" because it is imaginary.

What is real is that the score will socially determine the outcome of what people can do. I think that your mom has a problem understanding that.

But very often addiction to spending is caused by a deeper emotional situation she does not talk too much. Addictions are something in which person must hit rockbottom. There is little others can do about it. If your mom has an addiction she may need to hit rockbottom, then she will ask for help by herself.

Where is rockbottom? Hard to say, for some people it is shallower, for other addicts it is when they die because of their abuse.

[Holistic Star]

I guess it depends on whether you want more to be right, or if you want your mum to change.

If you could let go of your need to be right and that meant your mum changed her ways- would you be happy with that? (That wouldn't mean that you were wrong by the way, it would mean that you had let go of the insistence that your approach is the only right way. Would that letting go and getting the result you want work for you?

At the moment, by insisting that your approach is right and the only right way, you aren't allowing space for any other creative approaches that may be equally as right, but different to your own approach. It doesn't give your mum room to face up to and make her own decisions.

Who knows, for some reason she might feel utter panic at the idea of dealing with money, even opening a bank statement or bill.

I believe if you can find the reasons and empathy to understand your mother's actions, you will be able to communicate with her better. You'll be able to speak to her in the language of her own values and motivations and connect with her more deeply. Gentleness and respect are often more persuasive than frustration and anger.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

I guess it depends on whether you want more to be right, or if you want your mum to change.

I often ask "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" I ask it of myself when I find myself blaming others and I ask it of others who share with me their firm view that someone else is to blame for their own situation and feelings in life.

It appears that the OP has made a decision that right is better than happy. I've never really seen that decision to have a positive outcome. My hope and wish for the OP is that he finds a solution to his problem.

[NeedMyCoffee]

Jimmy, I can empathize with you. My mother has in the past, and continues to make financial mistakes that I do not agree with. My brother and I have tried to help, offering to take complete responsibility of her bills (with her money) and she will come out with positive cash flow at the end of the month. She seemed open to the idea until the time actually came to do it. She went berserk, to the point of yelling and swearing. It was not an easy time.

My brother and I have realized that we are not going to be able to help her change. It is a little bit about parent/child roles, but it is more about relinquishing control to any one. It is a scary thing to realize (even on a subconscious level) that you may not be as sharp as you once were. My mother was in banking for 30 years, I imagine it's even harder for her. She is spending money needlessly and is accumulating debt, but will not take responsibilities for her actions.

My brother and I talk to her often, and taking a soft approach seems to work better. The more we insisted she was irresponsible, the more she resisted. She is still wasteful and irresponsible, but a little less so since we have backed off.

It is a hard pill to swallow, but our parents aren't perfect and they have to live with their own mistakes, even if it affects the rest of us. In my family, we are adults and have our own families, but it doesn't make it any easier than if we were younger and living at home. Most of us grow up with a view that our parents are perfect (or near perfect) and when we realize they aren't, it's a pretty hard reality slap, one that can really anger and hurt.

My advice, try and learn from this and try to let it go for just a little while. Let her mind settle (I'm sure she is feeling defensive). Then offer to help her instead of insisting she is stupid. You may not feel "it's your place", but offer to have the car towed for her. Offer to call the phone company and shut off the phone. Be proactive instead of reactive. It may anger you to think of that right now, that's why you should wait and both of you cool your minds. Even if you don't think she is upset, she probably is and hiding it.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[Tristan Lee]

Hey man. I totally agree with you. I think your mom is wasting money that could be saved and used for something better, such as paying off other bills, buying food for the family, or going out to a family gathering.

My mom is kind of similar but in an opposite way. Instead of wasting money, she saves way too much money and has a really big savers mentality towards many things in life. It can get annoying, but I'm not going to get into that.

I think a lot of people are you negative responses, or responses that you don't want to hear, is because your people are disagreeing with you.

This is how I see it. Your goal of this entire thread was to get people to agree with you in order to persuade your mom that she's doing the wrong thing so you guys can save more money.

You have right intentions (to change your mom's bad spending habits). I'm not really on anyone's side here, I just think your mom could be better using the money for something else.

However, in order to persuade the audience to agree with you (so you can accomplish the goal of persuading your mom), it's never really a good idea to force it on other people.

You have a very compelling original post that I felt empathized with many people, at least with me, up until you said this:

"What I want you all to do is reply by explaining how ridiculously foolish my Mom is."

I'm in my early twenties, and I admire you for being able to pay for things in college (it can get really expensive I know), but I'm sure there are a lot of not only parents here, but people in general do not like to be told what to do.

But using the phrase, "What I want you all to do...," is basically setting yourself up for adversity.

Maybe you've just started taking some English courses. One of things I learned about writing a good persuasive essay is to be able to provide good supporting evidence. You have the evidence with you (spends $50 a month for telephone she doesn't use, can save up to $1000 a year, etc.).

I agree with you, but if you want the majority of the people here to agree with you, a simple tip is to keep your argument objective without adding bias to it.

You can totally re-write you original post in a tone of voice that actually sounds sincere and empathic, rather than demanding and forceful. Depending on how you write it, I believe that you could have gotten many people here to agree with you.

Finally, this has nothing to do with the post, but maybe you should be a little bit more humble.

When you say something like:

"Perhaps it's too easy for people to be against me because I'm not as old like you all are. Ha..."

This kind of shows the level of your maturity.

Your 19 and believe you are mature, which you are for taking care of your finances, but maturity also comes from being open-minded and respectful of other people's opinions, even if you think they are wrong.

We're both young, and although some people here may be older, perhaps 30's and above, people who are older usually have more experience and knowlege.

For crying out loud, look at where your posting this - Steve Pavlina's forum.

He's probably twenty years older than both of us, has a lot more experience with us in personal development, but might have something different to say to you. Does that mean that he's wrong? That's up to you to decide.

All I'm saying is that I understand what your going through can be frustrating. I've had my share of experiences but rather than dealing with a mom who wastes money, I deal with a mom that over saves money.

For you, you want to change your mother and that's cool. For me, I got tired of trying to change mine. I value having a better relationship with my mom over fighting with her on money. I realized that I don't have that much control over somebody else's life, but I do have 100% control over mine, and that is my responsibility.

In the end, I do agree with you, but if you want persuade others to agree with you, the first step is to work on understanding how to communicate with other people. Imagine if I wrote a thread demanding you and everybody else to agree with me. How would you feel towards this? What would be your initial reaction?

This is just my two cents. Good luck with your case man.

[jimmyk1006]

Tristan, I can assure you that I know I took the wrong approach in writing my original post in such a mean, obscure way.

Before I continue on, I already took my college English classes, with the hardest professor in my school. I learned so much from my professor. It's quite ironic that you bring up persuasive essays because today, I was going through my files and stumbled upon my persuasive essay that determined whether I would pass or fail college English 1102. Every student must earn at least a "C" on the paper in order to pass the class. I just thought I would bring that up. By the way, I passed the class with an A.

The reason why my original post makes me appear as if I'm this immature senseless bastard is because minutes before I logged on Steve's website, I got into an argument with my Mom about this money issue. This is why my thoughts on this were in a hot tempered manner. I personally think it's funny that we can have a temper but lose it at the same time.

I knew as I was writing my original post that some people would think of me as a whiny ♥♥♥♥♥; however, I didn't care. I was just infuriated with my Mother. I wanted to give my thoughts out to the public and hope mass amounts of people would agree with me. Of course when we're hot tempered we don't think with a rational mindset. When I wrote this post, I did not reread it. Perhaps if I wrote this a day after the argument versus minutes, the replies here would indeed be much different, as you've stated in your reply to me.

I agree that I did set myself up for "adversity" here because of the way I wrote this post. I also agree with the part where you stated that I could have written my "original post in a tone of voice that actually sounds sincere and empathic, rather than demanding and forceful." This is why using text as a means of communication can be calamitous. It can make a person seem one way when really that person is totally the opposite.

I also find it interesting that you put this in your reply: "people who are older usually have more experience and knowledge." This is why I scheduled my classes late at night so that I would not have to deal with hooligans. I personally believe an adult is smarter in many aspects of life. For example, when I'm in class now, I don't have to worry about spitballs. I'm being serious! It shocks me to death that teens in college still do that! Additionally, adults seem to be more conversational on class topics, rather than talking about the stuff they did on Friday night.

I'm glad that you do understand what I'm going through. Me and you can relate. I know that I should have worked harder to persuade people toward my argument. As I've stated before, I was just too hot-tempered at the time of writing my original post.

So has my decision changed? Well, I'm still going to persuade my Mom to stop with her erratic spending on things that she does not use. PERHAPS in the future I might cave in, but I hope other people can just step in my shoes for a minute. This is my Mother. Remember, I did not find out about this issue with my Mom until a couple of months ago (which feels like yesterday). It's not like I bring this up everyday with her. I just want what's best for her.

Will I change my ways of persuading my Mother? Yes and No. Yes, for now on, I will not use a forceful approach; however, I won't stop trying over and over again. I will make sure that when I do confront my Mother with this issue, I will tell her the pain she's causing to herself and to the family rather than telling her to quit her wrongful spending ways altogether.

I just wanted to say thank you Tristan for writing your reply. You wrote your reply in a way that was not forceful. While I did not change altogether like many people wanted me to, I ended up compromising on this issue. Me being a possible English minor, I have to be careful in the way I word my thoughts. I should have known better in coming on this forum and expect people to automatically do what I say. With my forceful way of writing, I appeared as a stubborn moron who should have known better. So while I am not going to change 100%, I'm going to persuade my Mother using a non forceful approach rather than straining her to death.

[Tristan Lee]

Hello again. Good afternoon.

I just read your latest post, and I'm really happy to say you actually sound like somebody people would want to connect to. By the way, good job on passing the class with an A. You're a smart kid.

I understand that when we get irritated and angry at other people, all we want to do is to be able to crush the opponent. Maybe you were just looking for a quick way to get rid of your hot temper at the moment so you decided release your fury out on this forum.

Our emotions can get the best of us, and make us think irrationally. I'm glad your at least acknowledging that you were hot-tempered at the moment. It takes guts to admit that.

Also, if you were to spend more time re-writing your original posts, your responses probably would have been different, just like it would be different if you turn in a emotionally rushed paper to a professor compared to a well-planned out one.

One thing I don't get however is why do you see yourself as an "inferior" to your mother?

You keep captializing her name: "Mom," "Mother," which is something you don't have to do. I understand that if you are Christian and you capitalize the word "God" because you feel inferior to Him, but you don't have to feel this way to your mother.

By doing this, your kind of already enforcing your beliefs that you are inferior to your mother, and when people feel like they are inferior to someone else, they will do everything in their power to break free from that inferiority state, and even try to become superior.

You're not inferior to your mother, even if she is one that has power over the money. That's only something that you believe in your mind, as the only power someone else has over you is the power that you give to them.

That is one thing that kind of peaked my curiousity, but there is one thing that I see in you with a lot potential.

Although many people may think you are a whiny... person who complains, what I like about you is that you are very determined and persistent. You know what you want and want to get it done, despite adversity.

Henry Ford did this when he wanted to cast an eight cylinder engine block in one piece but people thought it couldn't be done; they thought he was crazy. But he knew what he wanted, was stubborn, and told his workers to produce the work. In the end he got what he wanted.

Napolean Hill once said, "Men who accumulate great fortunes are generally known as cold-blooded, and sometimes ruthless. Often they are misunderstood."

Because of your emotions, you were probably misunderstood here by a lot of people, and I'm glad you have calmed down and expressed yourself more deeply. I think if you combine your determined and persistent qualities with respect and kindness, not only will you be able to solve this problem with you mother, but you will get really far in life.

Finally, I wanted to say your welcome for writing in a way that was not forceful.

Sometimes English majors have to find a way to write in order to get by tough people.

[ar81]

Useful reading on compulsive spending.
How to manage compulsive shopping or spending addiction

[jimmyk1006]

I probably should not have put that I was "inferior" to my mother. I sometimes misuse certain words. All I know is that "inferior" means lower in terms of rank. I guess in my use of the word, I made it sound like I'm of lesser importance and that my mother is more powerful than me. After looking it up, I further understand what the word means. It's 3:30am as of now, so I'm too lazy to think of another word to use.

And in the issue of capitalizing the first letter of "Mother," I really don't understand why I do that. I never did that because I felt inferior to my mom. I sometimes do that to the words Parent, Dad, Cousin, etc. No wonder why English is the hardest language. I'm debating whether I'll minor in Spanish instead -- it's much easier to remember, and there's not as many rules.

You described me perfectly in where I want to get things done. I don't like to deal with a bunch of mush when completing a task. I also hate it when people are slow in telling me a story, or even walking slow. I'm a fast paced person.

Thanks for all of the compliments and special thanks for comparing me to Henry Ford. I really like that quote from Napoleon Hill.

Feel free to send a message any time! Hope you have a great day.

[jimmyk1006]

To Ar81

I appreciate the link and everything. I don't think it's a disorder -- it's just that my mom is resistant to change. She rarely buys clothes or much of anything for herself. But when she does buy something, it's sometimes useless for her, or she'll never use it (like the telephone line she has). She's not good at managing money, which is why I was so angry in the beginning of the forum.

Thanks again though. I read through it all.

[Lauxa]

Dear Jimmy K's Mom,

Your son Jimmy posted in an online forum that you are having some difficulty letting go of some unnecessary expenses, namely car insurance on an undrivable car and a phone line that is not used. Jimmy feels upset and resentful about this because he feels you should be using that money to provide for yourself and your family. He feels that you won't listen to his advice because of his subordinate rank in the relationship, so he has asked for random strangers to appeal to you.

Please consider letting Jimmy help you to rid yourself of these expenses. It sounds like you could save a lot of money, and Jimmy would feel so proud of himself and you for enhancing the family's finances.

Sincerely,
Lauxa

[Brutha]

After reading most of the replies, I know who's right in this situation.

It's not about whether you are right or whether your mother is right.

She's just damn lazy in the mind to get rid of those things. She admits that does not use the phone and she admits to not using the car.

If the problem really is about her being lazy, you could go and write the letter to get rid of the phone line.
When you are finished, you go to her and ask her to sign it and then mail it way.

The same goes for the car. If you do all the work and the only think she has to do is signing a paper she might sign.

If that approach doesn't work the problem doesn't lie in her being lazy.

[Froztwolf]

As to the home phone issue I have had the same battle with people but eventually realized that many people, while they do realize intellectually that they don't need it, would feel disconnected and isolated without it.

It's perhaps hard to picture it when you grow up with the internet and the cellphone in your hand as we both did but people that are 40 today didn't have that for the first 20 years of their lives. When they were growing up their point of connection to the outside world was their home phone. So even when they have better tools for communications today, their home phone has an emotional attachment which for them is worth the price of keeping it.

I would venture a guess that something similar is going on with the old car. Is is possible that your mother has fond memories related to that car or otherwise an emotional connection to it that cause her to procrastinate when it comes to having it towed?

It is my opinion that laziness doesn't really exist. When people procrastinate they are always doing so for a reason, whether it's avoiding facing their fears or because some other action will be more rewarding to them.

If you can get to understand why your mother is doing these things it will be much easier for you to get her to do the right thing. Just remember that she might not know it herself.

[StarieEyed]

She should keep her house phone, in a natural disastar its nearly impossible to use a cell phone, the lines get bombarded. So if you mom had to call for some kind of assistance, she would not be able to. Its kind of like insurance. Sure you dont need it right NOW but you may in the future :

[seanner689]

Interesting topic ... I thought it was a troll/joke at first ...

I can't believe that you are getting in this kind of argument with your mom about less than $3 a day, over money that's not even yours.

Honestly dude, in your first post, the fact that you mention getting takeout food once a week as an additional wasteful habit really gives the impression that you are trying to micromanage her life. What if she follows your advice about the car and phone? Are you going to keep trying to 'help' her by nagging her about fast food once a week, smoking, and any other thing that you don't agree with?

What's your time worth? the time you spent rehashing this issue 'every day with her for the last 2 months' (60 days * 20min/day = 20 hours!), a better use of your time would be to pick up a couple extra shifts at work, give your mom $100 for her car, and then have it towed.

BTW, I'm assuming that you have a job if you're trying to treat your mom as if she was a child. If you don't think that you can handle school and have a job at the same time, post your weekly schedule and we'll tell you how 'ridiculously foolish' your time management skills are, and give you the 'right' way to arrange your week so that you can get a job and start acting like a man instead of whining for 2 months to get a $30 printer.

[Froztwolf]

Oh yes, I meant to mention the takeout as well.

In your original post you mention that she wastes money on takeout once a week because she doesn't want to cook.
Sounds like she's the only one in the home cooking. Maybe if you offered to do it once a week she could take a break from it without any money being wasted.

[ballhit2]

Your mom sees that money the same way as the government who prints it sees it.