Crossroad scaring me to death

[CFPurpose]

I am truly in need of some help here. Thanks ahead of time to anyone who responds to this.


I am a 28 yr old female who for the first part of her adult working life strived to build her own empire in the corporate working world. (take
"empire" lightly. I was not self employeed, just wanted success) I played the politics well, I learned all I could about my position and more. I continually worked myself up the ladder. I was always recognized in corporate meetings for a job well done, received rewards and knew that my decisions would never be frowned upon. I was confident in my work ethics, my smarts and my ability to work well with others.


(Insert drum roll).. 2 years ago after the company I was employeed at had been fighting tooth and nail to stay above water, I was finally laid off. I began looking for another job but a deep depression had set in on me. I was not depressed over work; on the contrary; other things were occuring in my home life. Long story short, some truly awful things occured that placed me in and out of hospitals for nearly a year and a half. I could not function and during this time that I could not fuction, I made some very bad decisions that effected my brain. For the past 6 months, I have actively been trying to re-build brain cells by working Suduko puzzles and odd puzzles on line. That sounds funny, but it was what my doctor suggested I do.

I no longer take the medication they were using to help re-stabalize me and I seem to function quite well in society. I've been told I speak very well and I feel like me again. I have finally made the bold decision that It is time I get back out into the real world.

My delimma is how do I figure out what kind of job I am capable of? I'm not asking that from a view of a normal individual who knows what they are interested in, what they are proficient in, ect. I am asking that from a perspective a mind that was damaged and even though I feel like myself, I have had no proof that I can handle anything at all. I tried a store manager position about 5 months ago. I failed miserably, however I didn't feel quite like I do now, so maybe this time I would not fail.... I AM TERRIFIED. I am absolutely terrified.

Is there websites that test for this kind of thing? Is there something I can do to test my wit and ability to stay on top of things? In the past, I would have looked for Office Management, Accntg, Personal Asst.

Do I just take the plunge?


Below is a job I found online that I am really interested in and without the stress of the last 2 years; I would have submitted my resume without a 2nd thought. I look at it and I think, "What If I can't handle it anymore." and the tears start to flow. Help. How do I get back on board?


Administrative Assistant to VP of Operations (Ft Worth, 76135)

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Date: 2009-09-04, 4:10PM CDT
Reply to: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Full Time Administrative Assistant to VP of Operations.

Duties Include (but not limited to):
*Prepare correspondence for clients as well as staff
*Maintain calendar and schedule conference calls
*Researching and Analyzing data
*Compiling Reports
*Tracking progress of tasks for other managers/staff members

Skills:
*Strong ability to multitask
*Detail Oriented
*Ability to prioritize
*Proficient in Microsoft Office
*Ability to work independently
*Ability to analyze problems and follow through with solutions

Preference given to people with business analytical skills

Benefits:
*Health & Dental Insurance Fully paid by company
*Generous Holiday & Vacation Pay
*401 K Plan
*Casual Work Environment

Substantial opportunity for advancement

[Angela]

Hi there, CFPurpose. I'm so glad to see your post here; it's one of those little 11:11 moments for me, so thanks!

After many years working as an executive assistant, being excellent at it but not terribly fulfilled, I created a crossroads, too. I also went through a period of depression as I resisted and resisted -- knowing my heart's desire was to live and work purposefully and that the work I was doing was really not aligned with that, except that it was preparing me for purposeful work in ways I didn't recognize at the time. The overall mission of the people I was working for was handed to me, and did not inspire me, but it was so hard to move myself, because the money was good, it was comfortable and easy, etc. I had to manifest some rather dire circumstances, like you have, to rocket-thrust myself out into something new that would work better for me. For me, that was starting my intuitive coaching, hypnosis, & NLP practice -- and it is by far the most rewarding work I've ever done. When I look back at how rewarding it was (not) to be doing administrative work, it makes me laugh! And it was perfect that I did it -- it led me to where I am.

I was pretty terrified, too, and sometimes terror still creeps in as I ride the roller coaster of running my own practice. During those scary times, I sometimes consider going back to that old "safe" route of a regular paycheck. Except the *safety* in that is an illusion -- it would actually be DANGEROUS for me to go back and get all comfy and complacent in that sort of work again, and *forget* to work purposefully. As I look at your job opportunity, I think -- all of those skills we have, we CAN use them to support our own purpose, or we can use them to support a vp of operation's boss's purpose. We get to choose, and I choose to support my own purpose -- being a joy activist inspires me far more than any of my old boss's purposes ever have.

When you are inspired -- YOU WILL HANDLE IT. Focus on YOUR purpose -- focus on breathing life into your life. I think that may be why your other skills and talents were temporarily shut down -- so that you would unconsciously strong-arm yourself into letting go of other people purpose and finding your own. As you distinguish what purposeful living means for you, you may start your own values-based business, or you may find yourself getting a job that will align with your values, and you will handle it. You will. It's amazing the clarity and mental acuity that comes with living purposefully.

I suggest letting go of "getting back on board" and generate inventing a whole new life for yourself. That may involve doing that kind of work again, but it won't be the same; you will be the boss of you -- the boss of CFPurpose, Inc., even if you're "contracting out" your services.

Consider that you are in an amusement park, and terror is not far from excitement. Your body feels a feeling, and your thoughts can shape and guide that feeling. Try spinning the feeling and see how it can transform -- EFT helps, too. You can handle it. And consider this quote from Sterling Hayden -- one I find very inspiring:

To be truly challenging, a voyage, like a life, must rest on a firm foundation of financial unrest. Otherwise, you are doomed to a routine traverse, the kind known to yachtsmen who play with their boats at sea... cruising, it is called. Voyaging belongs to seamen, and to the wanderers of the world who cannot, or will not, fit in. If you are contemplating a voyage and you have the means, abandon the venture until your fortunes change. Only then will you know what the sea is all about. I've always wanted to sail to the south seas, but I can't afford it." What these men can't afford is not to go. They are enmeshed in the cancerous discipline of security. And in the worship of security we fling our lives beneath the wheels of routine - and before we know it our lives are gone. What does a man need - really need? A few pounds of food each day, heat and shelter, six feet to lie down in - and some form of working activity that will yield a sense of accomplishment. That's all - in the material sense, and we know it. But we are brainwashed by our economic system until we end up in a tomb beneath a pyramid of time payments, mortgages, preposterous gadgetry, playthings that divert our attention for the sheer idiocy of the charade. The years thunder by, the dreams of youth grow dim where they lie caked in dust on the shelves of patience. Before we know it, the tomb is sealed. Where, then, lies the answer? In choice. Which shall it be: bankruptcy of purse or bankruptcy of life?

Thank you so much for being my Mirror Buddy.

Lots of love,
Angela

[CFPurpose]

Hi Angela. You touched on a quite a few "personal" things for me. First, let me point this little tid bid out. I read your post at 11:11. I had just came in from smoking and then when I started reading your post, I saw 11:11 and smiled. I know you know why I smiled.

You also spoke about the fact that you left your 9-5 job working for someone else to follow your passion in passing joy on to others. Let me explain something that I actually spelled out in the first post but deleted it; afraid of bad judgement from others.

In order to survive during this 2 yr hell hole; I took up work in the adult industry; something that worked completely AGAINST my being and who I am. I used to be an active psychic medium and had dreams of opening my own store and spiritualist center one day. I was working towards that on the side of my proffessional job but then when all hell broke loose, I had no other option because I truly could not even add simple numbers any longer. (I would say I am much better at that now though.) Currently I am dancing and I realize that even though it was my saving grace during my hardship (and my childrens), it is now just a stagnation. It is not feeding me in any way.

Since things got so hard for me, I also took a break from my "practice" and am just now getting back on board. I would love to be able to work with my gifts and open a new establishment as you have but I am not quite back to that point yet. Basically I realize that to stay at the club and to continue the way I am, I will not advance, I will simply stay stuck in the past, remembering my failures and remembering that I can no longer be important anymore. Just a pretty face.

I completely understand that a thought like that is very unhealthy. It is not like I beat myself up with it. In fact, it is the opposite; I run from it and ignore it. (quite possibly the best thing to do anyway). However on the same token, I do realize that we cannot move forward without facing what hurts us first.

I sit at a stand still. I know that I will never know what I'm capable of if I do not try and yet when I sit down at the computer to send out resumes, I lock up. I don't want to feel their rejection. Things really tore me down as a child and as I grew up; even to the point that I did not even see physical beauty like others did. The only thing that kept me going was that I was smart. I had a baby at 18, kicked out at 16 and yet was making over 40k by 24 and had no college or secondary school. I was proud of that. When I was rejected at the department store for being to stupid, it broke my heart. It devestated me in fact. I began crying uncontrollably and then I eventually just sucked the tears up and headed back to the club. I can be as stupid as I want there and no one cares. I have a pretty face, big tits, nice butt and long legs. As you said, "ugghhhhh blecchhhhhh yicccccchhhhh!"

We all love attention but I've never really craved that. I havent craved it to where that is all I am acknowledged for. I HAVE TO get back out, Angela. I absolutely have to. My past is holding me down. It's time to move forward.

I can just jump in...... But isn't there someway I can prepare myself before landing right in front of a CEO and watching their forehead crinkle in dissapointment? I'd like to save myself the pain.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CFPurpose

But isn't there someway I can prepare myself before landing right in front of a CEO and watching their forehead crinkle in dissapointment? I'd like to save myself the pain.

Sure there is! Examine your habitual negative thought patterns, and see what ghostly old gunk is running you without your conscious knowledge. Bring the unconscious to consciousness. That's what I do in my work, and there are lots of other techniques people here in the forums have recommended.

I had an unlikely epiphany when I was using eHarmony, which requires you to list your ten Must-Haves and ten Can't-Stands in dating. After I listed out these mini values hierarchies, I was suddenly present to a whole new ease in dating -- if someone had one of my Can't-Stands, or if he was missing a Must-Have, I didn't fuss or suffer, I just lovingly let him go find someone who was a better match. All of a sudden there was an ease and effortlessness to dating that hadn't been there before -- no hard feelings or rationalizing: there's nothing wrong with someone being a romantic mismatch for you, and there's real joy in going through the process with velocity -- plus it makes it more fun for both people.

In the same way, I think it's really helpful to determine your values hierarchy in any area of your life where you'd like to have more power or effectiveness. What's important to you about Career? What else, till you reach ten. Then also: what's important to NOT have in Career (your "away-from" motivations), again, ten of them. If you work with an NLP practitioner, she can help you elicit your most deeply held values in a way that I think you would find astonishingly helpful -- knowing your heart's desire is the key to achieving it.

Lots of good luck to you!