The Known & Unknown

[straysweeper]

I haven't been posting much as I haven't had much to really say. My life's situation has been suffering for just over a year, but now that I write this, I can't help but think it started prior thus resulting in my job lose 18 months ago.

Things have been coming to a head. I can't help but feel I've been manifesting it with my growing discontent. While on a larger scale asking for an opportunity to grow into the next stage of consciousness, beyond anything I've had before. To become better than my best, or even what I dare hope save my faintest dreams. They say be careful what you wish for, and I think they mean it!

I went today for my first pursuit into a job in 8 months. I am looking at UPS as well they are hiring and it seems to suit what I'm ready for. Physical activity and short hours. While their I got a good feeling about being out and about, although I'm tired for not being able to sleep the night before.

While there, a driver spoke to us about life at ups, and one thing became clear. I know that I am not meant to be there for 20 or more years like some. I honor those that can do that, but I know that isn't for me, at least not that path, which got me thinking about what path I am to take.

Now I can't help but get infuriated due to the lack of ability to know what path to take. It is so outside my realm of experience, I don't even think I know people who have done something along what I feel I am to do. People making 40k or more aren't in my scope save a few. Those that are, or even higher I almost feel I am a waste of their time. BS I know, but still its there.

I feel answers are trying to come to me, things seem to be clicking together. This time it is about school. A older lady I know is pushing me to school, like others have before. Then I see different segments on tv about financial aid, others struggles to graduate, and those that don't know their path that go to college to find it. Lastly, while some who went to some smaller colleges have become greater successes than ivy leaguers.

A year ago I knew school was the right choice, but since I've been clouded with indecision and confusion about where to go, and which is the right place to be.

While here in Oklahoma I've often felt fear for running into someone I used to know, and potential airing of my failures save those not displayed by my appearance. Meanwhile, believing it isn't possible to achieve the results I want here as the negativity that exists near me, coupled with the lack of the opposite. I can only think of one person that lives here to think about this, and I wonder if they are a good fit for this situation. Next, feeling that the ability to achieve a healthy and strong foundation here in Oklahoma is near impossible, for such things of a lack of Whole Foods within nearby. Lastly, is my attachment to Vegas and some people I left behind.

With this, a new thought entered my mind to join an old one. The latter being that if I can achieve it here than I can do it anywhere. The new one being that a home, or place is nothing but where you spend time doing things, interacting with people. What makes Vegas better than Oklahoma save what I think about it? I don't know what it'd be like here giving the same freedom I had there.

Perhaps I'm thinking about this too much, or too deeply, but I can't help but come back to that this is where I am. I'm nearly in a situation where I won't have any choices about what I do, it'll be whatever works in order to meet basic needs. I don't know what I want to do, but perhaps that is exactly the reason to simply begin and start meeting people and gaining experiences. Instead of using my lack of what, where, and how to stop me.

[freewheelnat]

Indecision can be worse than the wrong decision... but I'm sure hearing this isn't helping

You seem to have a few problems:
1. don't know what to do, ie go to school, go to work etc
2. don't know where to live, ie Oklahoma or Vegas
3. worried about bumping into certain people in Oklahoma

The answer to problems 2 & 3 seems quite straightforward and it is to go back to Vegas.

As for problem 1, if you were to go back to school/college, do you know what you would want to study? If yes, are you getting excited about studying it or is it just something you know you could study but you still aren't committed to the idea of studying it? Your answer lies in there. I'm an advocate of studying but ONLY at the right time in your life.