Bla bla, life story, bla bla. Tired of everything.

[JacksEarth]

Yup, ANOTHER thread. I do this out of curtesy though, didn't wanna steal anyone elses thread..

I.. had (notice pretense) Lots of goals and was very hyped about them.
I was gonna 'Make life happen', because I don't believe that you can just lay back and something will happen... I tried for 18years and ended up miserable haha.
(Although I keep seeing evidence of people just not having to do **** and yet they prosper completely.. ask them how and they say "Just do it!" so you do and fail miserably, you ask them what went wrong and they say "You're just unlucky".. Pricks, pisses me off)
Anyway.. For 2years now I've actively been working on self development and a few days ago I realized, I've come NOWHERE.
I haven't learned ****, done anything or progressed anywhere.
I was just completely deluded for about 2years.

I've gone back to my old self, no motivation, no drive, no goals, no nothing.
I read a thread a couple of days ago that someone asked "Why don't you kill yourself?" And the answer would be your purpose, or a clue to what your purpose was. The only answer I can think of, as well as the first thing that popped into my head was "I'm afraid of pain" Because.. there is no suicide method that is painless, apart from maybe taking sleeping pills and have someone inject poison into your veins.

I'm a painter, although I've lost all will to paint as well.. It's just something I do for no reason now, feels more like a chore. Actually everything feels like a chore, Sleeping is like a damn chore with a really nice side-effect, I get to be in my own world.

Now.. thats my life story, So sorry for explaining it.. tried to keep it short.
Writing things on paper makes you feel good, but doesnt last long.
And certainly doesn't make it anymore real.
Intention manifestation works to a certain degree, Think about someone and that someone will show up one way or another, mostly through hearing their name when someone refers to another with the same name.

Thinking positive just becomes a hassle and turns into a chore where its not positive thinking anymore.

I'm tired constantly, cant focus, my head is just filled with noise, I listen to loud screaming music to relax, it is like going to a spa or something, I just feel at ease when I cant hear myself think.. not that I can anyway, its just noise.

I'm stressed constantly while not doing a single damn thing..

SO SORRY but I've sunk to the bottom once again and I don't know what to do.. people around me are getting seriously pissed off and tired of me aswell.

Heh, funny paradox. I'm bored 24/7, Now boredom is a sign of High intelligence and Creativity. I've pretty much slept through school and never studied, yet achieved great grades.
I paint and am interested in creative things. It's a sign of lack of stimulating challenges, nothing feels like a challenge, if it is a challenge I dont wanna do it because it's boring. No sparks.
I've read most of Steves blog posts and done every single step he advice. Which temporarely lead to great confidence and motivation.. only to end in failure and dissapointment. "Hang in there" I kept telling my self.. well I'm tired..

[Pixiebelle]

Hi there,

I feel exactly the same way you do....I think. When I was younger I was full of energy and wanted to do things and go places. Now I just let life pass me by cause I really can't be bothered.

Do you ever think to yourself (even if rather weakly) "Right! I'm going to get this, this and this done today" but get none of them done cause everything else you've been doing has left you no time? Even though the "everything else" you've been doing is really nothing at all. (Sorry if that made no sence, I know what I mean)

Did anything specific happen to you to make you feel the way you do?

[ssandra]

Are you asking for help or just wanted to share?

If it is for help:

Can you share some of the things that you have been succeeding in?

What are the things that you have been wanting to do (when feeling motivated) yet failed at?

How often or how long did you try?

If it is just to share:

I know how you feel and how bad it can get. I'm sorry that you feel this way.

[JacksEarth]

Pixiebelle - Totally
Although when I decide on 'this and this' I usually end up not doing them because of circumstances.
Like.. I live in the middle of nowhere and I don't have a drivers license so I depend on family members to get anywhere.

If its something I can do at home then I start doing most of them but never finish due to lack of motivation/get bored instantly.

ssandra - To get help AND share.. Writing it out on paper doesn't work.
For some obscure reason I need people to respond.

"Can you share some of the things that you have been succeeding in?

What are the things that you have been wanting to do (when feeling motivated) yet failed at? "

Art, building my art skills, marketing myself and try to make money off of it.
Put my paintings on the wall of a café, not that they got sold..
Waste of money right there.
Trying to get into music, can't afford an instrument because I don't have any money.

I tried getting over my life long depression and pessimism, which worked for a while. Instead of being pissed off and depressed 7days a week it became 1day a week. Though now I'm back to 7days. A years hard work gone in a day, haha.

I tried getting jobs, any job, **** jobs, WHATEVER for 8months with no results.
I spent some months doing more art and working on personal development, one day decide to say yes to absolutely everything. (yes, I know. Totally stolen from the movie 'yes man'. What can I say? It gave me hope for a week!)
So within 1week, I end up in England working in a factory with a bunch of people who don't even speak English.

For you who know anything about england.. I'll say this 'Leicester'.

For you who don't know.. lets just say its more Pakistan than anything.
Now, nothing against Pakistanis.. except maybe, learn the damn language before you move to england -_-
They didn't even speak english in the damn stores!!
The factory had no breaks at all, 8hours a day doing worthless annoying work in a loud environment that just gave me headaches daily, I walked 17km daily because I couldnt afford the bus!, I didnt get paid until my 4th week and literally lived on 3pieces of dry bread a day for a week. I lost 7kilos, my stomach looks really sweet~
After the 4th week I decided to just give up, It was NOT worth fighting for, I had nothing. Knew none, and had nothing to look forward to. + I was ****ing hungry..

I lived in a 4room house with 7polish retards.. like.. bottom of the food chain..
Smoked weed 24/7, loud, drunk all the time, brains the size of peanuts.. pricks. It was horrible.

All the money I earned (which I STILL haven't received all of..)
Went to pay for food, bills and the plane ticket home. I earned like 5euros from that nightmare..

So I come home, read some books like "Think and grow rich" and get all excited, decided that now I'm gonna do something.. weeks pass and nothing.
What am I gonna do? I dont wanna do anything. Now people are getting pissed because I am obviously mooching, living here with no money.
And I'm not going back to industrial work. I considered jumping off a bridge while in England, some guy told me in an accent "No.. " and waved his hands.
So I kept walking to work that day -_-
The first thing I did when I got to england was try and get a better job, like first to last week I went out daily to every pub,café and restaurant applying for whatever position they might have.
But obviously, didnt go so well.

This is why im stressed as well.
There is nothing I want to do, nothing I want to study if I should go back to school, I have no connections or people to talk to, I'm tired of games, drawing, walking, working out, eating, sleeping, music to some extent.
So what am I gonna do? I cant get a job that will make me happy so there is no chance of getting money. Nothing I wanna study. No future plans.

I'm getting angrier and angrier just by typing this so I'm gonna stop now..

I apologize for every sentence I write.. I say sorry in my head every time because I know how annoying it is to read about somebody's shitty life.

[Liveformx64]

What is the purpose of looking for a job? Especially one you don't want to do?

[JacksEarth]

Originally Posted by Liveformx64

What is the purpose of looking for a job? Especially one you don't want to do?

To pay for food, accomodations, stuff you might want.. like a guitarr and amplifier, new computer, phone bills, electric bills, water bills.. you know.. That kind of stuff.

When you grow up, graduate and have to stand on your own.
Positive thinking just doesn't quite add up to eating 3times a day and sleeping on a soft bed.

So I get the slightly subtle message here that you are suggesting "Do something I want, start my own".

Well.. I dont want to do anything, at least not that generates money.
I wanna play music although I've never done it before.. (Maybe 6months in highschool)
I want to snowboard, skateboard, le parkour, draw silly sketches when I'm bored, Have friends and women, just generally have more fun than agony.
Ofcourse, none of these generate money without the right connections and amount of time spent.
I'd need a year or two to get really pro at any of these (I'm a super fast learner..)
+ during those 2years I'd have to build a huge network of people in the industry to MAYBE get me on some team or sponsorship so I could earn a few bucks.
('Suck' for a buck?)

[Liveformx64]

There are thousands of tribes living throughout the world. They live off of the land, sing, play and make musical instruments, and enjoy a life free of fear obligation structure that we are born into.

If you are truly a seeker of harmonious a creative life some of these tribes will welcome you in to their way of life. Get on a boat and see what happens.

If that is a little to rough around the edges, check this out: Rolf Potts' Vagabonding

[JacksEarth]

Originally Posted by Liveformx64

There are thousands of tribes living throughout the world. They live off of the land, sing, play and make musical instruments, and enjoy a life free of fear obligation structure that we are born into.

If you are truly a seeker of harmonious a creative life some of these tribes will welcome you in to their way of life. Get on a boat and see what happens.

If that is a little to rough around the edges, check this out: Rolf Potts' Vagabonding

I guess you missed the part of sleeping on a soft bed..

Just because I dislike society doesn't mean I don't wanna have my own place, computer, electricity, warmth..
How am I gonna do any of the things I want if I have to spend everyday looking for food and some place to sleep?
I'm gonna read what's on that site anyway.. ¬¬

[Liveformx64]

Originally Posted by JacksEarth

I guess you missed the part of sleeping on a soft bed..

Just because I dislike society doesn't mean I don't wanna have my own place, computer, electricity, warmth..
How am I gonna do any of the things I want if I have to spend everyday looking for food and some place to sleep?
I'm gonna read what's on that site anyway.. ¬¬

Maybe ask yourself. What service can you happily provide to someone, that wont take up much of your time, that will in turn provide you with your basic resources.


Maybe:
House sitting for wealthy people
A security guard for an estate etc..

You say you want your "own" this and that. The sooner you realize that you truly "own" nothing, and that ownership is a self created illusion or more accurately a delusion, paradoxically you will begin to realize you have access to anything you could ever want.

You are smart enough not to be in the 9-5 grind. Use that brain of yours to realize the truth about materialism, and the false "needs" our government and corporations ram down our throats.

As a recovering materialist myself, I could go on about this all day! : )

[Tobes]

Jacksearth,

Like.. I live in the middle of nowhere and I don't have a drivers license so I depend on family members to get anywhere.
....
Writing it out on paper doesn't work.
For some obscure reason I need people to respond.

Here is a thought; Even though you say you hate society (I can relate), your writing also tells me that you need people around to draw energy from. I am in almost the same boat as you. It's a paradox when on one hand you want to cut yourself off..and yet, you also need people to draw energy from (don't underestimate how strong this need is in you and is critical for you in getting out of this cycle!). I would add though that these people must be chosen wisely.

[BloomVerse]

I can relate quite well to a great deal of what you said. I suffered from depression for several years and it seemed insurmountable. I was turned off to most every personal development products I came across because nothing seemed to work, everything had to be forced, and most of it seemed like pure conjecture with no practical use in "real life" circumstances.

Then one day I came across the Sedona Method. I started using it and my depression was gone completely in 2 weeks. Sounds crazy, but it's true. It works, and it works fast. It's not about forcing, it's about letting go. And it is the most practical technique I've found. If you're interested in it, check the links in my signature. Feel free to contact me about anything if you have questions.

I wish you the best in whatever you do.
-Craig

[JacksEarth]

Craig - thats sweet of you, thanks.
But I'll put my depression on hold until I can atleast pay my own bills.
I wouldn't mind a program that guarantees you get a minimal wage in 2weeks doing something you want. ~_~

Liveformx64 - don't put so much weight in that word "own"
I'm aware of what you say as well, been aware of it since I was a wee kid.
Very matter obsessed parents~
I simply use it to make conversations go smoother and not to confuse people or seem as if I'm forcing my beliefs on somebody else.
Doesn't mean I don't want it.

You say I'm smart enough, I believe I am. Yet I don't have a clue what to do.
What kind of value can I give? None, I'm just a bothersome freeloader.


Tobes - I know.. and I agree, but its hard to choose when you have none to choose from~ Still, my most pressing matter right now is finding an apartment and being able to pay for it.. Without working 8-17 in a factory prone to give me arthritis and thus make art and music impossible.
I could barely hold a pen after work in England.

Thanks for keeping up, thanks for your kind words. They will probably aid me at some point in my life..

[rose A]

Jack, Jack, Jack.....sorry to inform you, but you cannot get to point B without paying your dues. Sorry if this makes you cry and throw a hissy fit, but, thats how it goes, bud.

Ok,

1. You're artistic, yeah for you. (deep down I applaud you)

2. Your main goal is to finally do something with that art talent.(which I would look at self employing yourself in your off time and teaching what you do)

3. you have no resources for your necessities for sustaining your life.

If shoveling **** was the only way around for me to make money so that it would take me to my goal in life, well then I would be the best **** shoveler around. I wouldn't care who bored me while I was shoveling ****. If I had to get two jobs shoveling ****. If I had to walk to the job or what ever. Just be the best **** shoveler anyone has ever seen. Then demand your pay. why? Because you were the best **** shoveler they ever saw.

Then take a nice long shower and pat yourself on the back for a job well done and one step closer to your goal.

[SuperNova]

Seriously, you're an intelligent person. You know how boring and pathetic you sound. One day, you'll get over yourself and just move the ***k on. Consider this your 'lag time'.

Everyone has different triggers for change - you can take on board other people's suggestions, but at the end of the day, it all may be meaningless to you. Eventually you'll have your own light bulb moment.

Are you aware that your mind is 5% conscious and 95% subconscious? All the pep-talk in the world won't effect permanent shifts in the 5% conscious part of your mind. All true change occurs in your subconscious - you can do some powerful work there with NLP techniques. No hocus pocus. Just very simple methods for neuro re-patterning (creating new connections in your brain that will serve you a whole lot better.)

Good luck - oh, and get over yourself!

[BloomVerse]

Originally Posted by JacksEarth

Craig - thats sweet of you, thanks.
But I'll put my depression on hold until I can atleast pay my own bills.
I wouldn't mind a program that guarantees you get a minimal wage in 2weeks doing something you want. ~_~

I wish such a program existed, but unfortunately it doesn't.

A more deliberate response is probably appropriate, so I'll tell you exactly what happens. Your resistance to everything is keeping all the things you want in your life away from you. Resistance is not selective. In other words, you don't just resist one type of thing and allow all others. To the degree you resist anything, you're resisting everything; including everything you want in life.

Your depression is shaping your experience because that is the filter you live your life through. Filters of perception are insidious. You can't see anything that doesn't agree with them. As long as "your" filter is there, your experience of life will continue to be what it is. Change your perspective, and your life changes in tow.

That's how it works. There really aren't any exceptions. You're not in the situation you're in because of any external factor. You're where you are at because you consciously chose to be there. I've been there too. I was a musician who had lost all will to make music. The story is not unique, there are hundreds of thousands of other people going through the same thing. I currently help people who are there themselves. My particular technique of choice is the Sedona Method because it just plain works. That's why I suggested it.

Remember, whatever you decide is ultimately up to you. But the fact is that it's just a choice.

I wish you the best,
-Craig

[Time]

Jack, that's the downside of being too aware of all the cr@p. You're split between being depressed about the insane world around you, and being secretly hopeful that it's not really as bad as you know it is.

But, it is.

You know it. I know it. The smart ones amongst us know it. The ones with eyes and a brain to interpret what we see, know it.

And you know what? That's your answer. Take a bow. Give yourself a pat on the back, (because nobody else will). Forget about obsessing about "happiness". Happiness is that unreliable state of mind that only the truly simple-minded, uninformed, and unenlightened ever experience.

You.... get it. You probably wish you didn't, but you do. It's depressing, but at least you're not one of the ignorant.

I think what you really want to do is to make some impact on the cr@p, somehow. Right? Up to you how you go about that.

[Miia]

Jack, that's the downside of being too aware of all the cr@p. You're split between being depressed about the insane world around you, and being secretly hopeful that it's not really as bad as you know it is.

And you know what? That's your answer. Take a bow. Give yourself a pat on the back, (because nobody else will). Forget about obsessing about "happiness". Happiness is that unreliable state of mind that only the truly simple-minded, uninformed, and unenlightened ever experience.

Time, your point of view is off-balance. All pessimists like to think of themselves as realists while in REALITY they are seing just one side of the picture. Okay, we have hunger, plague, corrupted governments, war, violence, car accidents, fish (HATE that stuff) in this world but in the same time we have puppies, sun, sand, beaches, mothers, nature, hugs, compliments, adrenaline, "i-love-you`s", laughter, play, sex, music etc. On one day it`s sour milk and tuna fish, on the other day it`s strawberries and whipped cream with champange! See my point? Or, in Jack`s case: on Monday (lasts for 3 weeks) it`s "I have failed, I didn`t learn that, I will never succeed at anything, I will never make money". On Tuesday (hopefully lasts for more than 3 weeks) it`s: "Well, but I DID succed in SD, I was depressed only 1 day per week instead of 7, I can do it again", "I don`t like working in McDobnald`s but it`s a start, I`ll keep on sending one job application a day until I find something better", "I finally have a driving-license and can afford a car". For an example. As time passes and we get more smarter, the Tuesdays should last longer than the blue Mondays.


Jack, you`ll get better, we always do (to get worse again, haha). Maybe you should start a blog (I want to puke, everyone has a blog, grrrhh. nevermind) about how much you hate your life, and exaggerate until it becomes hilarious, strip your thoughts from the civilized courtesy and I guarantee you`ll be a success plus you`ll get free therapy and hopefully make some money.

[JacksEarth]

Who the heck follows a blog where the author just complains about life?
I'm with supernova on this one.

Time has the same perspective I had when I was a teenager.
I couldn't settle for that. It didn't make sense.

When I was in england I sent 3applications a day, Personally handing them in, and even pushed myself into interviews after being shut down.
It lead nowhere and effectively drained my spirits and hope for mankind. (sounds dramatic but it isn't the first time)
Why are we so prejudice and bad to eachother?
I felt so good that I finally got somewhere that I smiled everyday, even at work.
I'd talk to all the scammers who try to sell you fund raisers, just to try and make their day better. I talked to homeless people who were bored or approached me, I even bought them food every once in a while. Even though I couldn't afford it, I almost ended up on the streets myself.
I did this to give myself hope, If I was good to people. Something good would happen, but it never did.
I sincerely believed that If I was nice and generous, even if I had nothing, something good would happen. And I was honest too. I didn't help them to benefit just me, It felt good to help, them I could relate to their hardships. But as time went on and **** kept happening, money went scarce and I couldn't pay for myself. I just lost it.
What is the point of being nice to people when they don't give a **** about you? I'm so sick of being nice, and genuinely caring about people and never get anything in return but swift kicks to the groin.

I'm tired of trying so hard to get something only to be faced with bigger and tougher obstacles that the goal is lost in the mist.

And now, I don't even have goals. I cant find any that would push me to lift a single finger. It may seem contradictory to write here asking for support if I'm so made up that nothing will ever work. But thats just how I am.
I'm always struggling to find a middle ground, it's either everything or nothing.
Things like 'hope' just make me sadder because hope is nothing.
Hope is just a thought that's supposed to make you feel better, it doesn't mean anything.
But its still the only thing that gets me up in the morning.
Every morning while I twist and turn, trying to fall back asleep I tell myself "Something good will happen.." I do it with a sad and desperate emotion but hopeful none the less. And I get up, moan a bit and get on with doing nothing for another day.
Hope that today I'll find my answer, through rigorously browsing the web, known to have all the info in the world.
Or through taking a 5hour walk looking for 'something'.

[BloomVerse]

Perhaps you should ask yourself this:

Do all of these events and phenomena that I'm talking about actually cause my suffering? Or do my feelings about them cause the suffering?


And regarding the kind acts you did for others, was the motivation behind them to get something back in return? Was there an expectation? Was selflessly giving to others not enough of a reward?

That might make you furious. The point is to bring to light your perspective. The world you perceive is a mirrored reflection of what is going on inside you.

I've said it before, but it's worth repeating: change your perspective, and your life changes in tow. It's not about pretending to be happy and have hope. It's not about plastering a smiley face on top of burning rage. None of that helps, it only frustrates the matter.

It's about cleaning house, being honest, and letting go of the emotional content that isn't working for you. Suppression only takes it all out of your line of sight.

[seeker5]

The rules of the forum states:

Do not whine (i.e. no pity parties) - It's okay to share your problems and challenges and request advice and help from others here. It is NOT okay to incessantly whine, complain, unload negativity, or seek commiseration. Members who exhibit a pattern of negative "poor me" posts with minimal receptiveness to change will be banned. These forums are for people who assume full responsibility for their lives, not for those who are looking to be objects of pity or to assign blame.

I've closed this thread as it's going nowhere.

JacksEarth, I've sent you a pm.