Turning point in life - advice needed

[Lana]

I am in a turning point in my life right now, and though I thought I had my intentions sorted out, I feel confused and I would like to hear your opinions.

Well, I have been living with my parents for the last 2 years intending to get my degree and then move to another city. I have lots of friends there, and I like that city very much, and every time I visit there I feel like “here is where I am supposed to live, this environment is the right one for me right now, so many opportunities here”. So I was patient all this time in home, trying really hard to finish with my studies, and then be free to move on. And now that time has come, and I am faced with the hard practical problems (I haven’t been exactly the realistic and down-to-earth person, more like in my own kind of world).

The 2 important things you must solve when taking a decision like this – find a place to live and find a job. The problem is… I thought my parents would be supportive in the beginning, but they aren’t going to give me any support now. They can’t understand why I want to leave my town so much. Their logical advice, and what they think is best for me, is get a job here while living with them, and save money for the future – which includes me becoming a teacher in public schools and settling down. But the system in my country lets you do this after you pass some hard exams, and these exams are due in 2 years from now.

I feel so disappointed in my parents, at the same time knowing that they don’t owe me anything, they have done so much for me and now they want to see me acting like a grown-up and responsible person (I am 26). But what kind of thinking is that? : “we will support you economically only if you stay here in town and don’t set off to a city where it will be hard to find a job and study for the upcoming state-exams”. Isn’t it manipulative? I feel like they have unleashed a psychological war upon me, and they try to pass on me their worries and fears and uncertainties. They worry too much, I wouldn’t even begin to talk to them about LoA and intentions and following your heart’s desires and stuff like that – they are so negative.

I can’t picture myself staying here and finding a job here and giving up on my desire to move out for 2 more years… it will feel like betraying myself once more. But I can’t close my eyes to reality either, which is that in order to go live somewhere on your own, you need a place to live and a job. And it’s a little hard to believe in yourself when no-one else doesn’t.

Anyone here who has passed through similar situations? Isn’t it like giving up, if you accept to follow someone else’s advice only because it’s more practical and logical?

[spirit4711]

Short and simple: live your life the way you want it, not the way your parents want it. They have their own lives to live.

So what's your next step?

[MiBeloved]

I think that you are nuts for wanting your freedom and wanting your parents to fund it. If you find it necessary to live outside the range of their expectations, then at 26 years of age, you should go off on your own and fund your dreams.
If anything you owe them appreciation, good will and respect for their funding your life thus far.
And put yourself in their shoes, would you have a child now and would you allow that child to stipulate that you fund him or her after 26 years of support, even though that child was doing his or her own thing which was frustrating to your expectations?
Be reasonable with your parents and just have an I-appreciate-what-you-did for-me-thus-far attitude when you cannot fulfill their wishes and need to move on. But move on with the understanding that you should fund whatever it is that is pulling you away from them.

[Lana]

Thanx for your replies.

spirit4711,
I know we have to live only by our own expectations and no-one else's. But when it comes to your parents... well, the point is that they have supported me a lot in the past years. And I only recently learned that I,and only I, am responsible for the time I have lost, and that I can't blame their raising me up for the way my current life has turned out. (By raising up I mean that when you are used to your parents being good and giving and providing... well, it kind of slows down your maturity process, it makes you dependent and it gives them every right to have a say about your decisions.)

My next step huh? I think that I must save money first and then set off on my own. And it bugs me so much that I have to do this staying here, I have been so impatient and excited about leaving... My ego needs a harness right now I guess And the lesson I am slowly learning, is that without accepting your current situation, you can't move anywhere forward. I have lived in the future for too long, only the last months my eyes have opened to the present, the now.

MiBeloved,
I am afraid you misunderstand me about wanting my parents to fund my freedom. I know I may sound a little childish with my claims, but it's not that I don't appreciate them and respect them, of course I do! I used to take all they did for me for granted, but I realized my mistake and I have told them so many times how grateful I am. And all I ask from them now, is that if they don't want to be supportive (and they have every right not to be), at least don't be so negative and critisizing about the way I want to live from now on. I don't ask anything from them, I want to take my life in my own hands. I just can't figure out how to do it yet, and I don't want my pride to interfere and make me cast away advices that are truly good, only because they come from my narrow-minded family.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Lana

... But when it comes to your parents...

No buts. Also goes for your parents. ESPECIALLY goes for your parents .

... well, it kind of slows down your maturity process, it makes you dependent and it gives them every right to have a say about your decisions

Well... how about: you slowed down your maturity process (compared to what?), you made yourself dependent (good news: you can make yourself independent too!), and no it does not give them the right to have a say about your decisions (why would that be so?).

My next step huh? I think that I must save money first and then set off on my own. And it bugs me so much that I have to do this staying here, I have been so impatient and excited about leaving...

Why would you need to stay where you are right now? You could find a job in the city, live with a friend, save money. No buts

So, what's the next step you want to take?

[MiBeloved]

And all I ask from them now, is that if they don't want to be supportive (and they have every right not to be), at least don't be so negative and criticizing about the way I want to live from now on.


What I said applies to everything including their negativity. They have a right to be negative if your choices are not what they want and are not pleasing to them, but you have a right to reject or turn away from that if you see that it is not what you want.
If their negativity has such an impact on you, it means that you have expectations of them just as they have of you but you have to release them from that, and release yourself as well.

Wanting positive feed back is just the same as wanting any other type of support, and you can't get that if you are doing something that they are negative about. Everything has its price.

[scorpio1980]

Seriously at 26 it is time to move on. Why not quit complaining about what your parents are doing, and thinking. Go out and start your life. You do realize that the negative thinking does not bring positive results from a LOA point of view. If I were you I would save up whatever I needed over the course of a few months, and apply for jobs in that city. Once you land that job move to your new life.

[Grindin]

Agree with most of the responses here.

And it’s a little hard to believe in yourself when no-one else doesn’t.

shouldn't be.

Just do you. If your dream is to move then do it. Get a job in a field you enjoy and then start making connections. Surround yourself with good and succesful people down their and DON'T be afraid to start asking for opportunities.

Help people meet each other and you will find a fortune is left in the middle of the table for the middle man. Thats you.

Start selling things. Information. Knowledge. Connections. All you need to do is create value in SOME way (preferably something your enjoy) and then make it easy for other people to purchase that value. In other words you gotta ask for it.

...that took a strange direction...anyway, goodluck to you.

[ns123]

Lana,

I don't think your parents are narrow minded or being manipulative at all. I think it's perfectly fair to say: We can support you in this plan (you staying home, living with them) but if you don't want to follow this plan, we choose not to support you.

I've done this myself. I've been able to offer friends and family members support in a specific plan, but if they don't follow the plan I've agreed to support, um... then I won't support them any more. Makes sense, no? No one is entitled to my unconditional financial support because that too often becomes enabling and no longer support. In fact, unconditional financial support normally doesn't support the other person at all.

So in my perspective, I highly respect your parents for being clear on what kind of things they are willing to support you in and what they are not.

It sounds like you are creating the situation in which you feel like you MUST HAVE their financial support or you can't make it. I think this is a very limiting belief and you will end up holding yourself back.

If you feel strongly about your plan - I say, you go for it. You can do it, there will be challenges, but you don't need their financial support. You are only convincing yourself you do, so that you can blame them from holding you back, when it's really you holding yourself back.

Reclaim your power and allow yourself to succeed by letting go of this limiting belief.

[Albalida]

I get the impression of a power struggle going on under the surface that, well, may be better addressed in Emotional Mastery or Relationships. But, speaking to Personal Effectiveness, I thought I'd throw this in so you might have an easier time cutting out the "They don't owe me, but I have these expectations, so can't they grant me" conflict, and the "nobody believes in me, I should believe in myself less if I'm sounding like an arrogant brat, blah blah dependency-cakes" conflict:
You never chose to have parents, let alone them as your parents. They, on the other hand, chose to have you. Does this fact arbitrate which side of the parent-child relationship is, or should be, more empowered? No. It's just the way things are.

Lookit, their being supportive didn't make you dependent-- children are lawfully definitively dependents. And I've heard it's far more common... characteristic, even... of a parent-child relationship, for the child to be caught in a mix of dependency and resentment.

So, I hope I've empathized with your confusion enough to focus it to a single point of consternation: Are you a child?

I truly do not mean to ask that with any implied "Pathetic 26 year old baaaby!" taunts with Nelson from The Simpsons adding "Haw, haw!" -- it's not about age. It might not even be about attitude. I don't judge the answer as right or wrong, but true. What is true to yourself?
This, obviously, I can't judge either-- I only offer the question. And, please consider, feeling happy among your friends in the city isn't true to yourself any more or less than being secure and sensible walking the path your parents paved for you. If the former were more true to yourself, I doubt you would be considering the latter option as sensible and realistic.

I am certain, that the answer will NOT take the form of an epiphany, a forum reply, a grand speech you make to your parents that sounds like it comes from a Hallmark movie, or even a manifesto you can live the rest of your life by. No. The answer is action.

Isn’t it like giving up, if you accept to follow someone else’s advice only because it’s more practical and logical?

You can figure that out on the way. For now, just do something. Quit navel gazing. Quit philosophizing and agonizing. Fly the coop already. Or walk their talk. Whichever, just do it.



What's my similar situation that makes me think I can voice a well-founded opinion on this? Hmm, my single mother lost her job when I was 16, had to go on academic hiatus until we got back on our feet-- well, until she got back on her feet, because she was heartbreakingly secretive about it. Two years, a job for mom, and a school system change later, and I was an 18-year-old high school sophomore in a country where the average high school sophomore is 13 or 14.

I could have been an adult. I could have run away to be a call center lackey despite my family's protests, I could have taken up singing on a street corner beside a tin can left out for passers-by's coins, or prostitution if it came to that. I could have taken a leap to live on my own terms, whatever the problems would be, I'd have that proud prodigal light. But we all choose which problems to live with, and I chose the problems of an extended childhood and dealing with how others judge me for that choice. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not ashamed of it anymore either. That's just how it is. This is life.

[Lana]

Thank you all for your posts, you have helped me clear my perspective on some things that were blurry.

It's amazing how things begin to roll when you are clear about what you want to do, and you decide to trust your inner voice! I can feel the tide turning... I realized there were beliefs and fears holding me back. And that I made excuses, not wanting to take full responsibility for my actions and decisions so far.

Also, I was so lost in speculating and analyzing and feeling that "if i do this, I will miss that" and trying to weigh + and - and all I managed to do, was getting overwhelmed and stuck on the crossroad. When all it takes, is action! Make that first step towards the most wanted direction, and have trust and faith.

So I have made my first contacts with people looking for a roommate, and I am going to stay to some friends in that city while looking for a job. I feel so excited, like a big block has been removed from my way - a block that I had put there in the first place! Now I know, that even if things don't go my way, I will be able to look at myself straight in the mirror and say "it's ok, you have tried, you didn't hold back! Let's see what life has in store from now on "

[Albalida]

Yaaay! *relases balloons* *throws confetti* *puts on an off-broadway stageplay musicale*

Advice from a favorite teacher of mine: It's better to regret doing something, than to regret doing nothing.

Best wishes on your journey!

[Ben1]

Originally Posted by Lana

Anyone here who has passed through similar situations? Isn’t it like giving up, if you accept to follow someone else’s advice only because it’s more practical and logical?

If your parent’s terms are making you unhappy then take the plunge and do what you want to do. You are 26 years old. That is old enough to do your own thing.

It can be daunting and scary to strike out on your own but everyone feels like that when they step out of their comfort zone. You will feel great after you do it and I think your self esteem will improve too.

You will make some mistakes along the way but so what? You will learn, get some independence and get a self esteem boost. Go for it!