Shy and not very talkative

[sliver]

Hello guys.
The thing is that I'm pretty shy. I'm in school and most of the time I know the answer to a question I can't get my self in to saying the answer in front of the class, but if the teacher tells me to answer it I have no problem doing it, don't get all red. It's always like that when the class is talking.
Also when I'm sitting with some people in the cafeteria at school (some people I know well and some don't) I don't talk much because I seem not to find anything to say, I hate that.
Any advices?

[Gordon]

Hello Silver,

Here's a wee trick I used to use. I played over and over in my head a scenario where I am in control and confident about what I am doing or presenting to business seminars. It boost my self confidence when I have to pitch for big contract with some high flyers...I am sure it will help your confidence as well.

Good luck,

G

[Nelson]

Hey, I know exactly the problem you're having - I had it until about eigth grade and was largely the result of homeschooling.

The truth with confidence and being outgoing is that its like most things in this world - it requires practice. There is no secret to being more outgoing you just have to get off your behind and do it.

If you are really, realy shy then you can start by going to the mall. Talk to salespeople and clerks, and joke around - they can't really reject you because that would be bad for business. Plus the mall will get you comfortable around crowds.

Then just gradually go out and meet people. Play by the simple socail rules - Be nice, start a conversation with a compliment, ask questions, be interested in what they are saying. If someone is a jerk to you then tell them to stop being a jerk and go talk to someone else.

The key is to let the other people talk until you feel comfortable to with them. That's the way I've become more outgoing over the years.

[sliver]

Originally Posted by Nelson

Hey, I know exactly the problem you're having - I had it until about eigth grade and was largely the result of homeschooling.

The truth with confidence and being outgoing is that its like most things in this world - it requires practice. There is no secret to being more outgoing you just have to get off your behind and do it.

If you are really, realy shy then you can start by going to the mall. Talk to salespeople and clerks, and joke around - they can't really reject you because that would be bad for business. Plus the mall will get you comfortable around crowds.

Then just gradually go out and meet people. Play by the simple socail rules - Be nice, start a conversation with a compliment, ask questions, be interested in what they are saying. If someone is a jerk to you then tell them to stop being a jerk and go talk to someone else.

The key is to let the other people talk until you feel comfortable to with them. That's the way I've become more outgoing over the years.

I'm not very outgoing but I really should change that and go out and hang around with my friends more.
Thanks for the advice

[Angela]

One good way to bluff your way out of shyness: concentrate on asking questions, and being interested in the answers. Ask people about themselves and what they're doing. People love to talk about themselves!

The most interesting people are the ones that are interested in people.

[The David]

I've had those same problems. I was homeschooled until 12th grade and was socially retarded. I was very focused on changing it, and even though it took a while, I changed alot when I went to college (and a little bit during the year I went to a public school) and I had no problem striking up conversations with other students, even strangers. In fact, most of the people I know from that school, I know because I went out of my way to meet them. How did I go from socially retarded to relatively functional? Hopefully I'll have a more eloquent answer later, but for now, ask yourself this question: Is it REALLY worth it to be 'safe' and 'secure', at the cost of never being truly happy? Look at yourself (if you're as bad as I was) and think, do you really want to be like this for the rest of your life? Wouldn't it be better to take a few risks? There is no such thing as safety.

It's something you have to learn from experience. You could've said these things to me before, and it wouldn've have really changed anything until I realized it myself. I'm still somewhat quiet when I'm in a group of people who are all talking about things I don't care about, and I have a hard time making connections with people. Sometimes that bothers me, but I'm not a naturally talkative person, and I know that I can be 'charismatic' when I need to be.

[Colm OReilly]

silver,

Thanks for posting. Let me ask you a question please: do you want to be outgoing or feel you have to? I ask because you say:

but I really should change that (emphasis mine)

From my work with people with social anxiety issues I notice a lot fo people who are intorverted think they aren't normal and are somehow deficient. You aren't.

On the speaking in front of people or to people, you have low self esteem, i.e. you feel on some level that what you have to say isn't valuable enough. So perhaps an affirmation along the lines of "I add value to the people I meet" or "What I have to say is important." might help?

Lots of love,
Colm

[Michelle]

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

silver,

Thanks for posting. Let me ask you a question please: do you want to be outgoing or feel you have to? I ask because you say:

From my work with people with social anxiety issues I notice a lot fo people who are intorverted think they aren't normal and are somehow deficient. You aren't.

On the speaking in front of people or to people, you have low self esteem, i.e. you feel on some level that what you have to say isn't valuable enough. So perhaps an affirmation along the lines of "I add value to the people I meet" or "What I have to say is important." might help?

I just want to ditto this. For a long time, I too, thought I "should" become more outgoing. I thought there must be something wrong with being a shy, introverted opera singer. I also thought I somehow owed it to people to be loud and boisterous. Now, I realize:

- the introversion comes as a needed counterpart to my professional extroversion
- people tend to put a lot of weight on my comments when I do speak up. I first realized this is a psychology class while getting my pedagogical degree. We had to say things about each person in the group. The thing that was most often said about me was that I didn't speak much, but that when I did people really wanted to listen.

[alexander.kharlamov]

Damn, we're starting to get spam here, this sucks. More work for moderators I guess

Anyway, Silver... with all due respect to people who post advice that you should "try to be more outgoing, practice talking, be confident" ... I'm sorry, but that has a very little chance of working. If you're a naturally shy person already, how are you going to force yourself into not being shy?

I've been in your boat. All I wanted to do was to be left alone with my thoughts... I was comfortable in my little cozy world. And it was in college, too, the place where you're supposed to socialize, open your horizons and meet new cool people. I knew it sucked and I needed to do something about it.

The way I solved that problem was to put myself in a situation where I had NO CHOICE but to be social. I got a part time job as campus security, where I was being partnered off with a random person every night. For 8 hours, we'd have to walk outside, patrolling the campus, and we had nothing to do other than talk.

So as you see, I had no choice but to learn how to talk and listen. I got to work with all kinds of people, from all different backgrounds... and if we didn't talk, we'd be both bored to tears by the end of the shift.

After a few months, I was a pro. These days, everybody tells me I'm a great conversationalist. The days of me being afraid to strike up a conversation are long over. Would I be able to accomplish that by "forcing myself to be confident"? Absolutely not. I overcame my shyness because I deliberately put myself in the situation where I was FORCED TO stop being shy.

Hope that helps :-)

[dunhac82]

I agree with what Colm and Michelle said; it sounds like you might be introverted which has no bad conotations. I'm introverted myself, but this also helps me with things I enjoy like playing music and making art. I was extremely shy growing up too; but part of that was also self-esteem. Also, someone mentioned about what they said had weight to it because of being introverted; I also believe this and I find when I talk people listen and feel what I have to say is important. From my experiences I find that introverted people are more in touch with themselves and the world around them. If it bothers you a lot, try doing something that can get out your feelings in a productive way. I feel that maybe the self-esteem will come with time...it takes a lot of soul searching sometimes. With that I would have to say this (which I've also said to myself sometimes); remember that you're the only person out there that is you, what you have to offer is important because no one else out there is who you are.

[thest]

I've got the same problem. I feel comfortable only with very close people. But I know I'll change. Because I'm changing now. Because I really love people and really want to meet more and more. It's very hard pushing myself but I see a positive changes and it inspires me.
I feel shy with new person. But if the person is a nice one he/she sees that I'm nice too. That I'm really interested in friendship. And I start feeling better.

The hardest thing is getting interested in relationships. And beeing confident that people can relly like you. I must say I wouldn't manage this by myself. A year ago I met a girl that made such a great shift inside me. And now I'm going upstairs, alone by myself. Thanks to her.

[Joel Chue]

Start talking.

Some of the best speakers I've known are introverts by nature. They hardly talk in class back in the school days.

They broke the pattern through public speaking, they thoroughly enjoyed it. Perhaps you can try walking that path. We are all behind you! Go for it

[moviestar]

I've got a bunch of tips. I don't have a magical solution but nor has anyone else.
So if you are in a group of people. The reason why you don't come up with anything to say is because you're trying to address the whole group. You're trying to say something that will be interesting/smart/funny for everyone in the group. That is impossible! Everyone is different and everyone will think differently of what you say. So the solution is to address your message to one person in the group. It might be your best friend or someone you like most. Think of what you might say to him/her and then say it to him loud so everyone hears it. The key to do this is not to think what they will think about what you say. To not think about it you need to accept the fact that they might not like what you say, but you must realize it is OK to say the wrong thing. Just move on.

[Sekou]

Anyone suggesting that you talk to people to cure your shyness is out of their gourd. That's like the brilliant advice to procrastinators of "Just do it!" Utterly useless.

And threatening yourself with what "might" happen or "could" happen if you don't is really not ideal, either. That just breeds negativity.

The problem isn't that you have trouble talking to people. That is clearly demonstrated in the example of the teacher calling on you. Speaking an answer you *know* is easy. When you begin to know yourself, or know what you're talking about, speaking in general will be easy. So, the real problem is one of confidence and self-esteem.

If you simply cannot find the words when you try to talk to someone, then perhaps you are not ready to speak to people. That's okay -- I went through the same thing. I spoke mostly with close friends, family and myself for a long time.

I cannot tell you how to raise your confidence and self-esteem, as how to do it is unique to only you. Explore yourself. Figure out what makes you tick. I can tell you that keeping your thoughts organized is a good step: become more aware of how you feel, and know why you feel that way.

If you focus too much on overcoming your shyness, you most likely will not be able to do it. Accept that you can and will (overcome it) and that your shyness is simply a momentary trait that you are working to change. In the meantime, make small accomplishments -- these can be ANYTHING. Accomplishments will raise confidence and give you a clearer picture of who you are or want to be.

If you are looking for a quick fix, you will not find one, as your "unconscious" needs to be conditioned, both by conscious action and thought.

Forcing yourself to talk to people may be effective, but requires a great deal of discipline and willpower. Or fear. That is the "trial by fire" method and may have other consequences.

Do something you like and do it well. You will overcome by simply having forward momentum and freeing your thoughts of fear/anxiety of being shy. You'll find, as I did, that when you have a certain level of confidence, you will easily be able to talk to people.

Confidence does not have to be raised by talking with other people.

And don't worry about when this will happen: you'll know when you have enough confidence when you begin to naturally speak to people without fear or anxiety and are able to go day to day without dwelling on every single conversation.

There's a lot to life -- talking, or talking well, like everything else, is a very small aspect.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by Sekou

Anyone suggesting that you talk to people to cure your shyness is out of their gourd. That's like the brilliant advice to procrastinators of "Just do it!" Utterly useless.

And threatening yourself with what "might" happen or "could" happen if you don't is really not ideal, either. That just breeds negativity.

The problem isn't that you have trouble talking to people. That is clearly demonstrated in the example of the teacher calling on you. Speaking an answer you *know* is easy. When you begin to know yourself, or know what you're talking about, speaking in general will be easy. So, the real problem is one of confidence and self-esteem.

If you simply cannot find the words when you try to talk to someone, then perhaps you are not ready to speak to people. That's okay -- I went through the same thing. I spoke mostly with close friends, family and myself for a long time.

I cannot tell you how to raise your confidence and self-esteem, as how to do it is unique to only you. Explore yourself. Figure out what makes you tick. I can tell you that keeping your thoughts organized is a good step: become more aware of how you feel, and know why you feel that way.

If you focus too much on overcoming your shyness, you most likely will not be able to do it. Accept that you can and will (overcome it) and that your shyness is simply a momentary trait that you are working to change. In the meantime, make small accomplishments -- these can be ANYTHING. Accomplishments will raise confidence and give you a clearer picture of who you are or want to be.

If you are looking for a quick fix, you will not find one, as your "unconscious" needs to be conditioned, both by conscious action and thought.

Forcing yourself to talk to people may be effective, but requires a great deal of discipline and willpower. Or fear. That is the "trial by fire" method and may have other consequences.

Do something you like and do it well. You will overcome by simply having forward momentum and freeing your thoughts of fear/anxiety of being shy. You'll find, as I did, that when you have a certain level of confidence, you will easily be able to talk to people.

Confidence does not have to be raised by talking with other people.

And don't worry about when this will happen: you'll know when you have enough confidence when you begin to naturally speak to people without fear or anxiety and are able to go day to day without dwelling on every single conversation.

There's a lot to life -- talking, or talking well, like everything else, is a very small aspect.

Excellent advice.

[moviestar]

Good post Sekou. I think the moment you're not shy is not the moment where you can go up to someone and talk to him. It's the moment where you don't care if you talk or not. When self-esteem is high it doesn't really matter in that state.

[persephonevii]

Hi Sliver,

I used to be in your position some years ago. Nowadays, I still don't speak much but I no longer feel the impetus to or the shame of not being too talkative. I'm quite introverted, I'll open my mouth if I really feel like it or I have to... otherwise I'm quite content to keep my mouth shut. But you are not me, and who is to say you'll turn out like me?

Anyway, start small. Talk to one person for a short while, and increase time and people as you get better and more confident. You will get more confident and practise social acting- well it's what I call it. Smiling sweetly, nodding, and coaching my voice into this polite, cheerful voice. You'll get better over time and then you will reach a point it will just come out automatically. Look people in the eye, that is very scary at times but people will trust and connect with you more if you look at them. Basically practice those social actions till they become automatic. You see, it's all about pretending for a large part of conversing. Most people pretend and...

Also, in conversation most people talk about nothing- don't get too hung up on making perfecto conversation. This isn't the movies. Always pat yourself on the back for each and every effort to be social. Don't set yourself crazy standards and then beat yourself up if you don't make it. You wouldn't beat up your own kid if they screwed up their spelling, so be gentle with yourself. How about no expectations? It's not like anyone is seriously waiting for you to become the next Chatty McChatty. But often people end up setting expectations subconsciously... I know I do.

If you do screw up (most people you socialise with tend to forget, like some other poster said most people are most interested in themselves and they just love it when you show interest in their selves), examine what went wrong and from what you've learnt with your mistakes apply it the next time you talk to others. But most people forget and some are quite forgiving. They might even find your shy slip-ups cute.

And in the meanwhile, build up your confidence with other stuff like accomplising something great for example. All the confidence you get from, let's say climbing Mt. Everest, will certainly contribute to your social confidence. If you can take on the world's biggest mountain and win, socialising will be child's play then.

[Andrew Brunelle]

My advice may be a tad unorthodox, but what I find is a good way to hone your speaking skills is to talk to people you don't know and will probably never see again in your entire lifetime. It's good practice. STrike up a conversation with the people at the supermarket, or the bookstore, or even in a public restroom, but don't get too chummy there. It worked for me. Talking to people I didn't know helped bridge the gap for me to talk to people I do know.

One thing about groups of people. I hate going places with a big group of people because it's like you never really have any deep conversations, except with maybe one member of the group. As of now, I look at conversations as an art form, so in order to have the best conversation, you must take a sort of artistic approach to it. In a group setting, there are too many distractions, and nobody is really listening anyway. They're all thinking about what everyone is thinking of them. ENd of stroy.

[John Hill]

I can relate to your situation. I was like you in school, I felt ok around my friends but not so much around others I didn't know. I hated feeling like this so I started working out in my garage with my dads old weight set and eventually this gave me immense confidence as my body changed and more people started coming up and wanting to talk to me.

I'm 36 now and I still work out and can barely remember what life was like before I became confident. You can make this change pretty rapidly if you want to. Good luck.

John

[A.K.Light]

Advice from a moderate extravert:

Don't worry so much about it. Just have a good time. Do you ever see somebody walk into a room full of strangers and just act like they've known them all forever? They'll say anything and act however they want to. It's great to have that kind of freedom, but you don't even have to be that extreme. There's nothing to fear. Just show people who you really are. Looking stupid is only bad for you when you see it that way. When people laugh at you, or don't understand what you say, it's not an insult. The talkative people forget about that stuff in a matter of seconds. That's the difference between an observer and a participant. The other participants don't have time to analyze everything you do, and they wouldn't even want to, they are having too much fun being in the moment.

If I say something stupid or make a mistake in front of everybody, I don't sit there and think about it. Why should I do that when I can just keep going? Once you're into it, you'll see that all the things that used to seem like a big deal are just part of being social, and that they're not really a big deal to anyone but you.

Another thing is that if you don't like the discussion or the way things are going, you can change it! People expect it. They won't be flabbergasted if you take the lead. It's not controlling or interrupting if other people are willing to go along with you. As long as you're not rude or selfish, everything should be fine. Don't worry about finding the perfect situation, perfect words to say, or entrance point, just join up, and everything will fall into place.

Of course I'm not a genius but that's my take and I hope it helps.

One last thing: Don't feel too bad if you're not talking to people. If you don't really want to talk, then so be it. You don't owe them anything. It's about you.