Shifting Your Identity (Yes, Another Procrastination Thread)

[Wreck]

Recently Steve talked about "shifting your identity" - something I'd been thinking about for quite a while now and I really identified with it.

The single biggest thing I can see holding myself back is procrastination and laziness. I've read a lot of the threads here and can identify with most of them. I also read the threads where that psychologist came up with a formula for it. The article in the Star started off "...He knows that the job has to get done, that putting it off just makes it harder, that the worry is worse than the work. And yet he can't ... quite ... get ... started." This is me, especially the worry being worse than the work. As wound up as I get over this, you'd think I'd just do it already.

I think I picked this up from NLP, but there's the idea that if you attach more pain with not doing something then doing it, then you'll want to avoid the "worse" pain and do it. The problem with this is that you're in pain either way. This is where I'm at, and where I don't want to be. It freakin' sucks being miserable all the time. Damned if you do, damned a little more if you don't.

One of the biggest commonalities I see with successful people is that they work hard. Very hard. But at the same time, they enjoy it so much, it doesn't seem like work to them. This is where I want to be, where I want my identity to shift.

I love art, design, sculpture, messing with cars and bikes, and anything else that requires working with my hands. But I can't seem to get myself to do any of it. Its getting so bad that its causing serious friction between me and my girlfriend.

I just wish I could figure out what it takes to get that internal switch to go off.

[Mayo]

Start small, don't be afraid of messing up...

For example i have set my self to build two of the biggest dating sites that will rule the dating industry in the next decade, all that with no more than five people on the programming side, and no more than 500 people on the entire production, marketing and CR fields....

Now this is big, really big, but i know i cant tackle it in one swoop, for example i procrastinate a lot too, think about possibilities at hand too much of the time that i end up doing nothing at all for days...

I have two main problems: before it was TV and i think love relationship of 3+ hours watching TV (mainly news on different channels) is history for good, now the blogs and forums, news sites,.... they are locked too from today 11:59PM(and few more minutes to write this post) (^_^), the next 15 days is my internet starvation diet. I also have few more problems like listening to music while learning new skills and informations, and guess what, in couple of months that will be finished too... so no TV, no music for almost all day, exercise, 10+ daily work on project, learning, producing and generally stop watching others life and actualization of my own to the max!

Basically you have to turn all your previous habits down the toilet, like when you flush your poop. The previous "bad" ways of doing things are not bad, they were the building and forming stones of your life. It's like that burger, pizza and other tasty trash snacks you ate while you were growing up. They helped you become what your body is now. It's the same thing with trash movies, series and other low quality TV content and music that you were listening also that no good trash books, quack "guru" ramblings... It used you to grow up, you digested it, kept the good things, and now: it's the time to eject that poop out and flush the toiled!

The basic thing you are on this kind of website is that you are ready to poop out and forget about that stink that accumulated in your thoughts that kept you away from feeling good. We all know how it feels how it is easing your self in the crapper after you kept it all in for too long time while being for too long tied in one place and unable to move freely to the toilet or eating a bad food.

I wish you all the best in your change and to everyone here to become the best of what they dreamed off for far too long!

[Wreck]

Originally Posted by Mayo

The previous "bad" ways of doing things are not bad, they were the building and forming stones of your life.

Thanks for that, I hear what you're saying.

The only thing I've noticed, is that if I have at least one person helping and I kind of let them take the lead (even if they're less capable than I am with the task at hand) I can keep going, no sweat. I guess I'm mooching off their initiative or something.

I think I'm going to create a simple mantra and start repeating it 24/7 until I become it.

[Mayo]

Just popped for a minute here, man it's hard to get hooked of internet! (^_^)

Well you need someone to help you go through it.

If it weren't for my parents i wouldn't even be dreaming of going into long term business commitment, so yes backing is important.

But more important: when you get to raise a family, prepare your children for life, don't act with them like some caplar in the military, but behave like a tutor, learn them what you had to learn on your own and do that through a game, cos' life is a game with multiple levels...

Take care!

[icesar]

I've always struggled with procrastination myself, and I associate most closely with the following explanation: I'm a perfectionist, and so I can't bare the though of something I do (my work) being less than perfect. By procrastinating, I set up the situation so there is no way I can do my "best" and so the pressure is off and I can continue believing that I could do better. (Stupid right?)

It has definitely helped to understand where the impulse to procrastinate comes from. A book that I _highly_ recommend to help you understand it and work through it is "The Now Habit" by Neil Fiore

Good luck!

[Wreck]

Originally Posted by icesar

It has definitely helped to understand where the impulse to procrastinate comes from. A book that I _highly_ recommend to help you understand it and work through it is "The Now Habit" by Neil Fiore

Thanks much for the recommendation - I just picked up a copy of the book. I'll have to post back after I read it.

[and]

The most powerful tools that you can use now that you realize that you need change and are somewhat clear in the direction you want to go is NLP and visualization. You mind thinks in pictures and feelings, so when you start manipulation your own internal images and feelings you'll blast through you sticking points faster than you would in other ways.

[dadeon]

See, I just don’t believe in laziness. I think that people who are lazy are just those people who haven’t got enough motivation (or motives for action). If there is something that you want badly enough you will be driven to do it. You must learn to focus on (ideal/pleasant) end results and not on the horrible processes of ‘working too hard’. If you really love what you are doing you will be compelled to do it. It sounds like you’ve got some ideas as to what you like, but maybe you should try and get clear on what you really like and what you really want. You need to have a compelling ‘goal’ as to where you want to go or where you want to be – then you will find that action becomes effortless because ‘doing it’ are only stepping stones.

The other thing you might consider is that maybe you are afraid of actually doing the things you love. Maybe you are afraid that when you actually do it you will be judged by it Being a designer myself I know what a challenge this can be. It’s much easier to talk about it and ‘hide’ behind the fact that you ‘can’ – when you put pen to paper you are no longer judged by your ‘talk’.

You simply have to go and do something that you love and learn to be independent of the good opinion of others – their opinion of you has got nothing to do with you. It is their business. Your business is to get busy. Do what you love and love what you do. Remember this quote from Benjamin Disraeli: "Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."

[Kissa]

Originally Posted by icesar

I've always struggled with procrastination myself, and I associate most closely with the following explanation: I'm a perfectionist, and so I can't bare the though of something I do (my work) being less than perfect. By procrastinating, I set up the situation so there is no way I can do my "best" and so the pressure is off and I can continue believing that I could do better. (Stupid right?)

Oh WOW! I am not alone!!! That is exactly my thought process!
I have been struggling with my procrastination. I am a web designer that works from home and my inbox is my To do list from my clients. So there are times that I do anything but it. Then it gets bigger. But finally I buckle down (at 3-5am) and get it done and then its not to bad. Then I think why did I put it off.... It wasn't hard.
My sleep schedule is all screwed up too because of it. I can't get flipped. If I go to sleep early then I won't work enough and I will still sleep late. I have tried staying up 24 hours but I get too exhausted to actually do it.

I made me a home page that will help me remember...
Don't Procrastinate!!! and a screen saver. It kinda feels like a nag...

[Wreck]

Thanks for the input peeps. I'm almost halfway through the book icesar recommended (absolutely EXCELLENT, the perfect book, thanks a ton!), and here's what I'm finding out...

First, I'm in the habit of saying "I have to" and "I should," both of which set up negative internal dialog. By saying "I have to," it's as if I'm saying "I have to, but I don't want to." With those two phrases, it's as if I'm being forced to do something I don't want to do. The more I desire to do something, the more I visualize myself doing it, the more I'm telling myself "I have to," thus making me feel forced, and my reaction is to rebel against that by procrastinating. This completely explains my internal conflict, my frustration with myself. So I'm wanting to, not being able to, and making myself feel crazy. It comes from being a child and being told you "have to" do something, and when you're forced with no choice, the only way of establishing any kind of control or autonomy is to drag your feet. The solution is to realize that there's always a choice, and to use positive internal dialog replacing "I have to" with "my choice is." (I hope I've done a decent job of explaining that. It's hard to regurgitate a few chapters in a single paragraph.)

Whenever I'd break through the internal conflict above, I'd have to fight with perfectionist tendencies. Not in the way explained in previous posts, but that with any project I'd be working on, any problem or mistake I had would effect me very negatively. And boy do I have a short temper when it comes to working on my projects! This comes from having too much of my self-worth placed on my work (any kind of work, from my job, to art and design, to personal projects). The thinking is that if my work is flawed, then I must be flawed as a person - I am only worth what my work is worth, and if I can't get that right, then I must not be worth very much. Earlier when I mentioned that I have no problems working when I have someone else taking the lead, this is because if there are any hiccups along the way, it isn't my fault because I'm not the one in charge. The solution here is to realize my innate self-worth, and not have it depend on the things I do, and also to give myself permission to make mistakes, because mistakes are just feedback and are just part of the natural learning process (this last part I already knew).

I'm extremely hard on myself, and have always been. This is making for some very, very nasty internal conflict. Combine that with my extremely short fuse when I'm actually able to work on my projects, and that's where I'm at. I have a bit of "reprogramming" to do.

I still have half the book to read, and then to apply what I'm learning, but I think I'm off to a very positive start. Understanding the idea that I, in fact, do have a choice is already making me feel very liberated.

[Andy]

That was a really great post Wreck, I especially found the advice to remember that everything is a choice to be quite relevant at least in my situation. Perhaps it'd be wise for me to give that book a try. Thinking now about the many areas I'm procrastinating towards, I get the thought in my head that I have to do them, that it isn't even an option not to do them. In fact a lot of the time when I decide to do something I then feel that I have to as I feel that otherwise I might give up and not continue on whatever task I'm doing. Yet in response to those "have to's" I definitely start to rebel and feel the all-too-familiar resistance to whatever it is.

I wonder if the deeper cause has to do with feeling that there's a lack of control in life, so you have to keep rebelling to get it back? Or maybe just thinking that you have to do something creates the perception of a lack of control. Hmm, I'll definitely be working on replacing "I have to do this" and "I should do this" with "I choose to do this."

[Sworn]

If you'll allow me to share my approach.

I've tried a lot of things to overcome my procrastination and I've come furthest with accepting that I have a hard time getting things done. Thats me ... amongst others. I've never been able to not give up on anything.
Intellectually it is prolly quite easy to grasp that you have accept where you are first. but to TRULY accept this emotionally might take some time and some emotional processing and coming to terms to. This is where your gold lies though I'm convinced.

I used to go visit a therapist a couple of years ago, after she kindof sized up my situation she said: whats going to help you most is assigning yourself a task that takes just 10 minutes (feel the timeboxing already?) per day and do that for a while. At that time I wasn't ready to "sink that low". Oh the irony.
Only recently my acceptance deep down has gotten to the level where it resonates with the principles of PD and now Im on my assignment where I clean my room on a daily basis. Ive only done two weeks of this but I do feel like im recognising the tiny knots in my identity that I always felt were there but were hard to put my finger on.
Not to mention recognizing those tiny knots being part of the Big Knot thats holding me back from getting the results that I wanted.
I dont remember who said it but still believe its a better thing to aim for the stars and land in the mud then to aim for the mud and make it.
In reality I think its even better to tweak the button between the stars and the mud though. ...
A lot of high goalsetting people land in the mud repeatedly resulting in feeling of deflation and their headache (read: worries etc) getting worse.

[renie408]

Thanks so much for this thread. I really identify with what you have written and appreciate your synopsis of what you have read. I can distinctly remember my mother telling me when I was about eleven years old that I could not come out of my room until it was clean. I stayed in there for over a week, with only bathroom and dinner breaks. It is a classic story in our family to illustrate my 'hardheadedness' and 'laziness'. I am 43 years old and I am STILL fighting those labels. Pathetic, really, when you think about it. But I think I am going to start turning the things I NEED to do into things I CHOOSE to do. Thanks again!

[Jeremy Bennett]

Great posts everyone!
- A piece that I'm currently working on/dealt with, is procrastinating (yes, with a website) - but not because I couldn't do it, but (echoing some of the above posts) I knew it wasn't the level of quality that we needed for the project. Because it wasn't the right goal (which I knew on a sub-conscious level) - that impeded my progress.

I'm also (till the end of February) working on another website and DB that's been in progress for 2 and a half years (it's a volunteer project, with a significant scope of work) that I've been working on, as I can, on the side.
I'm wrapping that up so I can move on to what's next for me.

In any case, have written my life purpose, has been incredibly helpful in figuring out how to align my short, mid, and long-term goals, and giving me the freedom and flexibilty to change focus (from develoment work to film producing) and have it still complement and harmonize with what I'm on earth here to do.

Back to work!
Jeremy

[Wreck]

You see so many people wanting to know how to manifest or attract money and/or things. The thing is, all these "things" are just effects. I'm working on the cause - "me." A big commonality I see with successful people (and I'm defining success as goal achievement) is that they're almost always hard workers. And not only that, they don't really see their work as "work." That's the reason I titled this post "Shifting Your Identity." The habit of procrastination seems to be the single biggest thing holding me back. My goal here is to have "producer" replace "procrastinator" as part of how I would describe my identity.

As I mentioned, the harder I tried to overcome this obstacle, the more I visualized the outcome I wanted and "being" a productive person, the more internal conflict I got. Its amazing how important a proper internal vocabulary is, and how much something as simple as a shift from "I have to" to "I choose to" can be.

Regarding "The Now Habit," the book covers a whole lot more than what I mentioned in my previous post. I only shared the few biggies that were effecting me. There is much, much more to the book than what I covered. According to the book, people are naturally productive, and naturally work. Procrastination is a bad habit, the effect of something else. In order to "fix" procrastination, the underlying cause needs to be addressed. In a way, I already understood this, but the book lead me to the causes much quicker than I could have figured out on my own.

This past weekend, I didn't do much in the way of any of the big projects I've been procrastinating on, but I didn't sit around and do nothing either. Every time I got idle I'd just think to myself, "I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Anything I do, I do because I have the choice, because I CHOOSE." And I'd find myself doing something else productive. The best part is, I didn't mind putting forth the effort a single bit! While the book does mention putting off projects you've been procrastinating on for other projects that are perceived to be more "immediate" (its still procrastinating), I still feel good about being more productive in general. Winning these small battles will lead to winning the war. Even though I've been trying to adopt the mindset of "producer" as being a part of who I already am, I've not seen any effects until now.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I like that way of thinking: You never have to do anything, you choose to do things. There is always a choice involved, except of course doing your taxes, but let's not get into that. I believe that kind of identity shift, where you choose what it is you want to do, and not look at it like you have to do it, then you'll be much better off. When I have to clean my house, I don't think of it that way. I think that I want to clean the house because it will look amazing afterwards and the cleaning activity will allow me to exercise a bit, with all the dusting and the vaccuuming, etc.

[dadeon]

It all comes down to focus. What you choose to focus on will determine whether you procrastinate or not. It's true that for some people it became habitual, but you still have the choice of what to focus on.

If you focus on the process instead of the result you will most likely procrastinate. If you focus on the result, then procrastination will rarely plague you.

But here's the best part...

we can always find something pleasant to focus on. Even when you have something 'major' to deal with. You get to decide what things mean. It's true that what's wrong is always available and that it is what most people tend to focus on by default (conditioned responses). What's right is also always available...it only comes down to what you choose to focus on.