There is too much going on in my head

[Johanna]

Hi, there. This is my first post besides my previous introduction post.

Okay, I know that there are no problems except that those which exist in the mind, but BOY, do I have a lot of those, lol.

I need to meditate.

Anyways, I'll break them down into categories, though they're all related, really...

1. Going to Grad School

I got three scholarships totaling in $21,000 to attend an art school (it is about $30,000 to attend per year, for two years). I wanted to go in 2007 which I first applied (I got two scholarships that time, totaling 18,000; tuition amount was the same), but I changed my decision at the last minute because I didn't want to take out loans, or to make it more specific... I allowed my self to be convinced by my mother that I shouldn't take out loans. So, I stayed at home for two-ish years, still working on my art, and getting random commissions in the process. Little money, but it was better than "being in debt", right?

I applied again because I REALLY just wanted to gtfo of my current situation. I'm 24 for Chrissakes, and I don't want to depend on my parents anymore, but I also don't want a menial job "just to live", if you know what I mean. I only have one life to live and I want to live it right. Not to mention, since being here, I've felt like I'm going OCD with a lot of things (not good).) Which brings me to my next problem...

2) The Economy

I got a full undergrad scholarship for four years, so I didn't have to pay off loans. That is probably the only reason I'm allowed to go to Grad School right now. BUT... recently I've discovered about the banks and what they (well some of them) really do or have done, to cause this recent financial calamity across the United States-- by borrowing and overspending (on wars, stuff we don't need, etc.). SO, I am just wondering on the financial and moral implications about what I'm about to do: would I just be setting a bad example about how to get money? Also, I don't want my whole life's purpose to just be 'to get money.' That's kind of shallow. But I do feel like I need to move on with the rest of my life and get this over with. I DO want to go, but I'm wondering if I NEED to go. Even if I don't worry about the money, I need to consider if it'd be worth my time, now that I've gotten better in my art... which brings me to my next question...

3) My Current Job

I'm a photographer who takes photos of families/kids at a science exhibit. It's just rather repetitive and boring at times (okay, well, all the time). The good thing about this job is that it is only temporary, lol. I know I shouldn't be complaining because at least I *have* a regular job (besides art commissions), but I feel even poorer than I did when I *didn't* have a job... if that makes any sense.

If I don't want to take loans for Grad School, then I will need to be more dedicated in finding my ideal art job, which is in publishing. I can still do it now, but since this current job is only temporary anyway, and the Grad School decision is looming over me this summer, it feels like I need to make a decision right away. After all, I'm still living in my parents' house, regardless, and I do not see this changing until I'm comfortable enough, financially, to live on my own. My older sister moved out, but she still depends on my parents for things. I want to be completely independent. This brings me to my last question/problem...

4) My Family

I love them of course, but they drive me crazy sometimes (like any family, right?). My biggest problem is just depending on them too much. I feel like a spoiled child, but I don't feel like I'll grow out of this until I am really happy, doing what I want to do in life. Since taking the above current job (since this February), I feel like I've gained weight (this is a big indicator of my happiness level, as I *rarely* ever gain weight). I want to be able to take care of myself, but I also don't want to waste my time being depressed or being in a job I *know* I dislike-- it'll only make me depend on my parents even more; because I am not happy. Plus, my little sister is about to have a baby, and she is going to have to live at home. I am NOT looking forward to being here when that happens. (No offense, sis.)

Note that none of this happened before I got the decision to first go to Grad School in 2007. I want to make my own decisions, but... I'm not sure which is the right decision to make...

If I can get my ideal job in publishing, that would be great, but it feels like the only person who actually believes in that happening is myself and my grandfather... he wants me to go to Grad School first, however. (He is a very educated man, himself; he was a Chemistry teacher, and then a principal, but wanted to be a doctor.) Of course, I want to go too, but... I just want to make sure I'm not just going because I want to have the 'title' of having a 'Masters', or because I want to 'escape' from my family. I REALLY want to make sure it's not the second one. They may drive me crazy, but if I move out because of this, I feel like I'll never want to contact them again, at least for a long while.

If I don't go to Grad School, then I'll most likely have to get a menial job somewhere else, if I don't get my ideal job... which is what I really want to do, but... would it be better for me to go now, or to wait till I'm really ready? lol... this is the kind of post where it feels like I've already answered my own question just by talking it out, but... I'd like to know what you really think too.

Oh, one more thing... I've recently discovered that my parents are having trouble paying their mortgage, and may have to get a loan-modification service... With my sister's baby on the way, I'm wondering if this is really the right time for me to be stretching my finances so much, and that I should be working on making the best capital out of myself and my art, professionally. I don't want to do art because I want to 'make a lot of money.' It just makes me happy doing it; and I know that success naturally follows you in whatever you do because of happiness and appreciation.

My mother wanted me to get a job, any job, because she is worried about if something would have happened to her, then I would be screwed, which is true. But even still having this one, if feels like I'm sacrificing my time, my life, and my happiness. I don't like getting money in this way; it is less satisfying... Her, worrying, is caused out of fear, right?... I feel like if I continue going down this road and not following my own dreams, fully, that it'll just become a self-fulfilling prophecy in itself...

My dad says that I could quit if I wanted to, but that he thinks I'd miss the money. I'm not so sure. But I would miss being able to leave the house once in a while. Again, escaping...
He isn't worried so much about the *money* for going to Grad School, but about if I'm wasting my time... since the only job I would *need* an MFA for is to be a professor, and I don't want to become one...(not right now, anyways). I think he believes in me too...

I am reminded day by day that this life is only temporary and that I'd better live it out the best I can before it is too late... my eyes are already starting to stress out on me. I want to follow my dreams before I end up blind (or worse), for goodness' sake. I know that whatever you think about, expands, and that I should concentrate more on getting a *new* job, than thinking about quitting my current one... though I REALLY don't want to go back to being depressed, at home, playing video games just to make myself have an ounce of self confidence.

Plus, I am a real Ron Pauler, and I believe in sound economic policies, living within your means, and not spending what you don't have... If I never got the scholarship to go to undergrad, I probably wouldn't have gone there, not take out loans to get there. My family annoys me, but my first priority is making sure they'll live for another day, and doing the best I can to love them. Just trying to decide what I'd do if I was full of love, and completely absent of fear...

Anyways...

EDIT: Upon reading this, I've realized just how OCD I've been, lol. (Not good, again). I am the one wasting my own time by over-thinking this. But you can still give your opinions if you want to. I feel like I'm whining when my situation could be much worse.

[Jarrod]

There was way to many questions in the post to possibly so answer so I'll give a broad sharp response that should help with some.

It's perfectly fine to possess and pursue attaining money. Money is useful in doing other things which benefit yourself and society.

If you feel your current situation at home restricts your ability to make change then change that situation.

If your decision effects other people (or people who really care about you) then discuss the decisions you have made with them and explain why you have made them. But you have to realise that they may not support your decision and that they do not always know what is best for you. Sometimes you have to trust yourself.

Smile and do what you think is right, if it all falls over you have a fallback position.

[Rockchick26]

I can relate to you because I have been having similiar issues and I can't stop thinking about what to do about it! I wonder if I have OCD now...i've literally been obsessing about this for 4 months since I lost my job. I want to go to music school but I don't want to be in debt and I don't want to move back home so I can afford school...I also don't want another menial job.

I don't really know what to say because I'm almost in the same boat, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in having these problems! I hope we can both figure out what to do, and SOON!

[Johanna]

Thanks for the replies, guys

Well, Rockchick26, I was thinking this over the past few days, and was wondering if there's anything I couldn't learn on my own (without going to grad school). The best way to learn is by doing. But if you CAN afford to go to school (w/o loans, preferably), then I would say totally go for it. But yeah, I am not the one to be giving advice right now, lol. This is just what I've told myself. I'm still deciding things, myself... Also, if we focus on being successful in our desired careers, then the [temporary] 'menial jobs' can become more bearable, right?...
:/

Thanks for the advice, Jarrod. I like your blog, btw. :] Yeah, there's nothing wrong with wanting money, just as long as you don't obsess over it and treat people like objects in order to get it, ya know?~

[Gaz]

This may be a bit rambling as I try to sort the thoughts out, but bear with me.

As far as the scholarship goes, I wouldn't feel too bad about taking it, after all, the purpose of most of those scholarships is to provide talented enthusiastic people with the opportunity to study further and then be able to take that knowledge and apply it for the benefit of society, thus creating more value than the money that the scholarship was worth.

If you accept the scholarship and still feel bad, then when you are rich and famous from your prowess in your given field, you can give back by establishing a scholarship fund of your own to help other people out who also may not have got the opportunity otherwise.

The other benefit of grad school is that it will give you a piece of paper. Now while this piece of paper won't make all that much difference to your life/career 5 years after you get it, it will open doors for you that not having it would ensure remained shut.

The job sounds like it may not be right for you, but you need to look critically at whether not having the job and as a result, having no source of income would be worse than trading some of your time at a repetitive job for a "secure" income. It may be possible for you to start freelancing with your art even while studying and taking the pictures, and if you get well known enough at the freelancing, you should ultimately be able to quit the repetitive job. One of the sites to check out is Get a Freelancer There are more out there like this one, but this is the only one I know of the top of my head. Also, and I don't know what type of art you do, there is the opportunity to licence artworks/illustrations through microstock agencies in the same way you can with photographs. 123RF, Dreamstime, fotolia are just a few sites you may want to check out.

Unfortuneately, I have no advice whatsoever on the family situation. I tend to avoid my family because they drive me crazy, and while I'm used to just ignoring their annoying habits, when they turn their judgemental, narrowminded, opinionated views toward my wife, I get angry, leave and don't speak to them for months.

[nhaasch]

My family annoys me, but my first priority is making sure they'll live for another day, and doing the best I can to love them. Just trying to decide what I'd do if I was full of love, and completely absent of fear...

I find this line to be the most compelling.

As I read your post I started to notice all the options you are being confronted with. You talk a lot about your situation. You seem to have a clear understanding of the dynamics. The thing that is missing throughout the whole post (until the end) is what is most important to you. What are your priorities?

Now, you have listed your top priority in the post. I suggest you make an ordered list of all your priorities. Keep that list around for when you are thinking about your choices. Some of the choices will automatically be picked for you when you notice that you've choosen one option to be a higher priority.

Now, for a little opinionation on my part. I would focus on the grad school. While I value my family, I let them take care of themselves. Education / schooling is still one of the best ways to grow yourself and enrich your life. It's not the right choice for everyone, but it's a pretty damn good choice for most. I'll double emphasize this because you have access to a lot of scholarship money.

[MasterD]

Definitely implement the Getting Things Done methodology into your life. It helped me to get rid of SO MUCH stress. The purpose of this methodology is to put everything that is going on in your head into a trusted system, so that you can concentrate on the tasks at hand. It takes quite some effort, but you will experience more clarity than you probably have experienced in years and you will be much less stressed and better able to judge where to go from here. Read the reviews on amazon.com.

[Johanna]

Thank you for the responses, everyone. So, you don't think anything about the morality of taking loans out at this time?

Thank you, MasterD; I'll definitely look into getting that book.

Nhaasch: My priorities in order are, getting a good job, getting my masters, and making sure my family is well. Of course, they are my overwhelming drive for a lot of what I do, but I can't take care of them how I want to unless I am developed to my fullest potential. But, really, I feel like I have to take this by ear, kinda. I don't know if I'd be really wasting my time if I went right now, or just focused on getting a job. Perhaps I could do both? (Since this is art anyway, and I wouldn't need to be in a particular 'place'.)

Gaz: Thanks. I've done freelancing in the past, and while I couldn't see myself doing it forever, it was a nice source of income while it lasted. Since I got this current job, I kind of stopped doing/advertising for commissions as a whole... though I wouldn't reject one if it came along, perhaps. I couldn't go to school while at this current job, since it's out of state.

[MartinP]

Hi Johanna,

The thing I would suggest, is similar to whats been said, but basically, your mind cant cope with all of those problems at the same time! No one's can!

I say:
Focus on one "problem" at a time.
Work out whether you have control over the problem or not.
If you cant control the problem, then every second you spend worrying about it is wasted. Anytime you start thinking about something like that, distract yourself. Ignore it. Do whatever you have to, to avoid it.
If you can do something about it, then plan out what you need to do. Often we get stressed out thinking of the ENTIRE plan. If i think of all the steps I need to take in starting a business, I'm likely to be overwhelmed by just how much needs to be done. On the other hand, if I focus on THE NEXT STEP, then I keep things in perspective. it's all about the NEXT STEP, and nothing else.

Hope that helps

[Gaz]

So, you can't go to school and do your current job. Interesting. It adds some extra level of complexity as the options start to stack up on two sides. (Please correct me if any assumptions here are wrong)

On side 1 you've got Grad school. This would lead to you needing to move out during the school year, and leave the dead-end photography job that isn't contributing to your career path. Instead, you'll be learning additional techniques and refinements that would contribute, be forced to start marketing/accepting commissions again and even make contacts that could be useful in future.

On side 2 you have your family. You'd be able to stay at home and help out with various things which may not even yet be apparent. without any changes this means you keep the photography job that allows you to express some creativity while helping people capture cherished memories.

Of course, there is a third option, which may prove more enticing, but may also be a lot harder to implement. This is to start looking for freelance commissions again (I know this isn't ideal, but it will help to get your name out and may even lead to long term employment down the line) you may be able to keep your current job while getting started with the freelancing until the art side of things takes off. Once that happens, you could move out, but still stay close enough to your family to be able to help out when needed, but maintain your space. As far as the schooling goes, it may be possible to find a correspondence course/part-time local course that would be interesting and useful.

[Johanna]

MartinP: Wow, thank you! That really helped. I never tried to think of them separately since they all seemed so closely related to me. That makes things much simpler now.

Gaz: I'm liking the third option better. This photography job ends after the summer anyway, so I don't really have a choice in having to find another job, LOL. So, I might as well find the job that's most ideal to me. I feel like I would help my family more, financially and emotionally, if I were able to take care of myself, on my own. They already have enough to deal with-- worrying about both of my sisters. I can give them one less thing to worry about.

Thank you for all of the help, you guys. You've really helped to clear my 120 mph mind.

[Gaz]

I thought the 3rd option would be the one you'd go for. It's certainly the one I'd choose were I in your situation.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[JMonkey]

I wouldn't worry too much about your age. I'm 26 years old and still living at home because for the past 10 years I hadn't any clue as to what I wanted to do with myself. Now I know and I'm conciously making an effort to get myself into the situation which I would like, but to expect change overnight is absurd in my situation. It's frustrating, but also freshening to know I'm on the right path at least. I really can't wait to have my own independence, it's almost the single most important thing in my life I wish to achieve right now.

I think as children we are conditioned to believe that life is incredibly short and as a result when we come to make important decisions we might rush into them. Mostly due to an innate belief that opportunities will disappear should you take your eye off them for a moment. Of course everyone should be encourage to live their life to the full, I just feel the way we're shocked into action isn't the right approach.

Family issues, I have those too. I love them, absolutely and unconditionally. But I also feel sometimes that I've out-grown them, mostly due to my desire to improve myself in every way possible. My parents are happy doing their job, coming home and sitting around watching tv or doing chores around the house, not for one moment stopping to think there is more to life than just existing. And the hardest part for me is that I try to encourage my Mother to do more with herself, her life. She will entertain my thoughts but eventually dismiss them as youthful exuberance, almost as if she expects me to grow out of it.

After reading what I've just wrote I'm not entirely sure where I was going with this , perhaps some comfort in the knowledge that a fair few of us are in the same boat.

[Rapid]

Wow, it's great that you have a full-scholarship for school! I would take it. What tremendous opportunity! It sounds like you'll be moving away for school, right? I think a few years away from your parents will probably do you some good. This will give you a chance to explore, grow, and know who you are. Live a life of no regrets!

P.S. I'm short on time for writing a lengthy reply. But I want you know that I empathize with your situation.

[Johanna]

Thanks; it's cool. However, it's not really a full scholarship, as I would still have to take out loans.

JMonkey: I'm glad I'm not alone, though I wouldn't wish my problems on anybody. lol

[angies]

Wow too many problems, too much thinking, too much worrying and not enough actions.

There is a book called "How to stop worry and start living". You should really have a good read of this. I went through a very stresful period, I read the book as just another holiday reading, but ended up spending the 2 weeks as a reading holiday. The books really changed my life and thinking. A lot of it are common sense, but it is amazing how lack of common sense we are when we are going a bad period.

The books advises you to list your problems into what you can and can't change. For those you can't change, work out what is the worst possoble outcome that could happen to you and just learn to accept it. For those you can change, list out the possible actions that you can do to change it. Then stop worry about the problem but just go about implementing your actions with no anxiety and worry.

[Johanna]

Sounds like exactly the type of book I need!
Yeah, I know I am not doing too much action, and that bothers me. You gave a really practical solution, thanks.

[RobbieInspired]

Hi Johanna,

There's a good article about only thinking of one thing at a time here:

The Kaizan Blog » The Next Step - The Solution to Feeling Overwhelmed

Hope it helps!

[Johanna]

Thank you. I'm still making a final decision.