Trouble with Routines, 30 day trials, and Self Discipline

[pedrotn]

I am hoping that some of the people on this board might be able to give me some advise or direction on what I believe is the main thing that holds me back in life.

My problem both at work and at home is that I can't develop new habits that last. I know Steve is a big fan of the 30 day trial, my problem is I never make it through a 30 day period, or I have habits that need to be established to occur only once a week so it would take 30 weeks to do that.

I tend to make it a week or two and then a weekend will pop up and I will break it or a meeting will change when something is normally done. I know Steve lives in a world where he makes his schedule but I don't. I have some room but not as much as it would take sometimes.

My other problem with the 30 day trial is that if I start over and fail a second time to establish the habit then I tend to stop trying after a few tries like that.

Lastly I have the problem that most people have in that I would like to establish a large number of new habits and routines. They are all basically half ingrained now but when I lapse I get behind on things which causes its own problems. I know the theory is to start 1 habit and focus on it and make it stick but if I did that it would take multiple years to establish the habits that I really need right now.

Any help would be appreciated.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by pedrotn

Lastly I have the problem that most people have in that I would like to establish a large number of new habits and routines. They are all basically half ingrained now but when I lapse I get behind on things which causes its own problems. I know the theory is to start 1 habit and focus on it and make it stick but if I did that it would take multiple years to establish the habits that I really need right now.

Any help would be appreciated.

Really? Because even just doing one at a time you can get through 12 in a year - and that's actually a large number.

If you've been trying to change lots and lots at once and failing, perhaps it is more effective to get just one nailed at a time.

However, one technique might be to just address one issue at a time - but look for ones that cause ripple effects. For example, if you want to do more exercise, learn a language and go out more, try a media diet - no sitting around watching television, using the internet or reading papers. If you do a lot of that, you'll suddenly find yourself with more time than you know what to do with, and getting started on those other plans should be a lot easier.

[pedrotn]

You're right 12 a year sounds like a lot but the problem is if I start and stop on the first 1 then the first one could take multiple months to establish if it ever gets established.

For example I want to wake at 5:00 - I used to have this habit and lost it. I have been trying for 3 months to reestablish this with the 30 day trial but have stumbled multiple times. So here I am 3 months in and my habits established are 0.

The morning waking one was going to be my first so I could build from there with the extra time in the morning.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by pedrotn

...I have been trying for 3 months to reestablish this with the 30 day trial but have stumbled multiple times. So here I am 3 months in and my habits established are 0.
....

What makes you stumble? And how does it make you feel when you stumble?

And for changing habits that occur during work time, interrupted by meetings: either do it after the meeting, or see if those habits can be formed in your own time (without interruptions).

[pedrotn]

Well stumbling comes from alot of things. One of the primary things is I seem to forget to do things alot. For example awhile back one of my habits was to start taking vitamins and a cholestoral lowering supplement daily like I should. But I would forget to do in the morning before I headed out to work and then I would be at night and say well I can't take it now because I need to take it the next morning. So I would be tripped up and have to start again. Then eventually I stumble so many times I shut that try down and try something new.

I have been working on establishing habits for probably 9 years now. I started in college as a sophmore with good success and now as a husband and father with significantly less.

Its extremely frustrating because even after I do something for 30 days it really isn't a habit for some reason and I tend to lose the habit the first time I fall off the wagon as it were.

As for habits with meetings here is an example. I need to prep a report to make my day work better each morning before 9:30. It can't be done the day before because it requires daily updating. Then I will get called into a 9:00 meeting and the report doesn't get done. This can happen frequently. So then I am behind multiple days worth of small tasks that build but have to be done. So I will do a big catchup day and that in itself is stressful.

This is even worse for those hasks/ habits that need to be done on a non daily basis - like doing yoga 3 times a week ( miss one and then its hard to get back into the flow) or even worse tasks that need to be done monthly.

[spirit4711]

How come you forget to take vitamins?

(Not that it's bad - I suggest that there may be something in you that makes you forget to follow through. Maybe it's a limiting belief like 'I cannot change bad habits'?)

Maybe, to get in the flow of changing habits, start with habits that you are sure you can do (no outside interruptions) and preferably you can take action on daily at the same time.

[alainplus]

Better to get one thing right than 12 things not done. Even though I have the summer mostly to myself, I just chose one challenge and I work on that 8 hours or more a day. I'll suck at most of the things I want to do but I'll be a genius in that one thing. I'm fine with that.

[dmauder]

Originally Posted by pedrotn

For example I want to wake at 5:00 - I used to have this habit and lost it. I have been trying for 3 months to reestablish this with the 30 day trial but have stumbled multiple times. So here I am 3 months in and my habits established are 0.

The morning waking one was going to be my first so I could build from there with the extra time in the morning.

Here's where I am with all this... Why do you care? I mean, really? Does it REALLY matter if you wake up at 5am, or 7am, or 10am? Depending on your job/business schedule, you might need to be up at a certain time, but other than that, why stress over it?

If you REALLY wanted/needed to get up at 5am, and it REALLY mattered to you to do that, then YOU WOULD DO IT. Obviously, it doesn't matter [enough] to you.

Maybe that's what you need to establish for yourself. Figure out WHY you want to wake up at 5am. Maybe you'll actually determine it doesn't matter anymore. Or, maybe you'll figure out your reasons, and if they are strong enough, you'll start getting up at 5am every day without effort.

I was trying to do all these different 30 day trials like waking up early, drinking more water, eating vegetarian/vegan, etc, but then I realized none of it really mattered to me enough to stress over not sticking with it.

If I wake up at 5am one day, and 10am, the next...so what!?! If I eat healthy all week, and then have some pizza or a donut during the weekend, so what!?! If I drink lots of water and that is my beverage of choice 80-90% of the time, but then I treat myself to a pepsi, beer, or hard lemonade once in a while...so what!?!

I guess I've just come to realize that life is too short to constantly worry about all this personal development stuff to the point of beating myself up over it. It's really silly when you think about it.

Just my 2 cents - of course.

Dave

[pedrotn]

Spirit - Thanks for the words. You're probably right about picking a habit that won't be interupted and has a high likelyhood of success. I am in the middle of the 5:00 now so if that doesn't make it I will shift.

Alain - I agree one is better than 12 but my problem is not tackling big projects. I can knock those out like its nothing. My problem isn't procrastination, its the completion of small tasks on a routine basis. Things that might take a couple of minutes or at most 15 to complete. That in itself is part of the problem but its the small things that make up a big portion of one's results.

Dave - Why are you even on a self development board. If I didn't have the need/want to do these things I wouldn't be on here asking for advise from what is suppose to be a community of people dedicated to self development. I have a large list of small habits that I would like to take on that I was trying to get advise on.
In the example of waking at 5:00 I want to do that because I have to be at work from 8:30 to 5:00 and I have family that I want to be with from 5:00 til 10:00 when I go to sleep. I want the extra time in the morning as time for me. But it is hard developing the habit of waking at 5;00 because I am a sound sleeper and sometimes I make decisions when the alarm goes off that I wouldn't if I was fully awake. So I have my reasons but it doesn't mean I can snap my fingers and wake at 5:00 without effort as you put it everyday.
I understand you have decided to stop self development trials and thats fine for you but since I can't wake up at 10:00 on any day of the week and I am trying to improve myself I haven't. So my question to you is since you have given it up why do you even bother replying to threads like this one.

[SarahJaynee]

Pedrotron you sound a bit like my husband. He always forgets the "little stuff" yet can complete mammoth global tasks in lightening speed.
He was unaware he had a "problem" until we met someone 2 years back who said he scored highly for ADD. He went for some tests and sure enough he scored "perfectly" for it.
He then went onto some cognitive behaviour therapy as he didn't want to take drugs. They taught him some great tools to get the small stuff done. A bit like you mentioned he would aim to say start going to the gym. Now he is an anomoly that when he starts to go to the gym he sees amazing results very very quickly. he has a natural disposition to bulk up his muscles in his upperbody to the point that after just 3 or 4 workouts people comment and ask him if he has been to the gym. Also he feels great and delves deep into muscle-mind meditation. yet he still fails to keep at it and then a couple of weeks down the line says "****, what the hell was I thinking stopping the momentum".
Anyway the tool that really worked for him was to build momentum with just one goal. Forget about 7 days or 30days. First set your alarm for 5am, do this for 3 days (and get up of course!), on the 3rd day add a new goal, say 300skips per day, do this for 3 days, then on the 3rd day add another, say eat vegetarian. After the next 3 days you will have completed 9 days. Don't add anymore and continue these three goals for a further 3-9 days before adding anymore.
My husband has to use this for the most simple tasks such as leaving the office, or like you taking his pills for cholesterol.
Oh if you fail to do a goal one day, knock that one off the list, continue with the existing ones for 3 days and then add it in again when you feel ready.
Keep us posted.xx


SarahJayne Edwards | Facebook

[daredevil83]

i agree with dmauder - motivation is very important part of "waking up at 5.00 am" trial. From my personal experience - I always wanted to get up early, but I couldn't achieve that. I was going to bed late and on the morning I was too tired to open my eyes and I felt asleep very easily.

Then I graduated the university and I went to work, which requires early wakening. And then I started to wake up at 5.20 am every day (even on Saturdays and Sundays - the weekend was only little addition to my workdays schedule).
Next, my schedule changed and now I don't have to go to work every day, and in my non-working days I get up at 6, 7 or even 8 am. But in my working days I wake up at 5.20 am without problem (OK, maybe a little ).

I know that I have no reason at all to get up so early everyday, and it's OK for me. When any good reason appears, I will back to my old habit. It will be simple.

It may be obvious, but - you read this article, didn't you...?

-------
The next thing I want to write about is 30-days trials issue in general.
1. Have you already read How to Maintain Not-Quite-Daily Habits article?

2. For my latest habit (excercising every morning after getting up) I'm using a method called by Steve "progressive training". You may call it "small steps method" or maybe even "kaizen" or whatever. Start with something small and move forward step by step, regularly making the challenge harder.

I taught this method one of my friend. She wanted to exercising every day. In the past she tried few times and always abandoned it after few days. She told me that she has to excercise 30 minutes a day to loss her weight (her doctor told that). So i suggested that she might start with something small, something that she can do. I asked her how much time she could spend exercising every day without any problem (i.e. lack of time, tiredness etc.). She told that she could do this for 3 (three!) minutes a day. So she did it for a few days. Then she increased time to 5 minutes. And so on. She started in November. Now she excercises even for 41 (forty one) minutes a day! Sometimes she takes a break, because she's also going to the swimming pool.

3. For better remembering, you may connect your every day habits with habits that you have already developed, like brushing your teeth, turning on your computer, waking up, or whatever. I.e. for pills - you may take a pill always before/after breakfast/launch/dinner.

4. I noticed that for me 30 days is to short period to fully develope new habit. The breakthrough comes sometimes after about 40 days. You may have your own appropriate period of time.

Hope it helps.

[this is fun]

In addition to what other people have already said here's my two cents.

I really liked this article Steve wrote about calibration: Calibration

It made me think about some of my issues. When it comes to certain things I am/was a perfectionist..so if I didn't get something right, perfectly, the first time, I would just drop the whole thing. Or if a task seemed too overwhelming and I was looking at 30 days of having to do it

Maybe you could 'adapt' this 30 day trial..let's say the first week get up at 5 am on Monday, the rest of the week as usual. A week after that get up at 5 am on Monday and Tuesday, and on other days just get some sleep. And then work your way up to 7 days.

This is how I would try and go about it.
Hope you figure out what works for you!