Discipline

[boston]

Hi,

I haven't posted for a while. I need some help, if someone can answer:

I go to Harvard Univ, right now is finals week. I am having tons of trouble with self discipline...I've started smoking again (I used to in high school), and I spend money VERY carelessly these days. I've never been like this, so I really need to find a source to give me more discipline. I'm trying on my own...religion hasn't helped, since I literally can't convince myself that a God exists. I've read William James, Covey, Pavlina, Seligman, psychological textbooks, Marcus Aurelius...I've gone through many things. Problem is, now all I do all day is read self-help. I will spend a day reading four or five psychology or self-help books, and I can't focus on the task at hand.

Some external reasons are that my father won't stop treating me like a child, so I'm going through lots of angst toward him...again, I can't control my anger these days, I'm trying to. He calls three times a day, and talks to me like I'm a child, asking me if I eat my vegetables and sleep enough. I'm twenty-one, for God's sake.

Also, I hate my roommates. One of them seriously has problems--he has all these repressed emotions and is always on the verge of snapping...he complains NONSTOP (I'm complaining right now, but I don't complain to everyone). My other roommates are pretty strange too, and I don't get along with them.

I don't have much of an outside crowd either. I'm pretty normal, I used to be normal in high school...I've read all these books on social skills these days: How to be Cooler | Free advice to help shy, lonely, hard-up guys be cooler, Art of Seduction, 48 Laws, PUA, EVERYTHING...I think my problem is something deeper. Plus, the books just make me more nervous in public.

any suggestions?

[JoeKinley]

Well although it has not directly to do with your problem i would definitely recommend Kiyosaki to you.
I read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" last week and it inspired me a lot. Since then my motivation went to a whole new level I never embraced before.

You should give it a try because it is worth a lot.

[boston]

Thanks, any other tips that specifically deal w/ discipline?

[joshbickford]

Spend some time searching yourself out, and what it is that you really want. When you find that what seemed like meaningless tasks will be fun again, and you no longer have to worry about the approval of others.

I would also suggest finding a way to focus on things you like about the people that drive you nuts, and minimize the things that you dislike. The more you focus on what annoys you the more you're going to see of it, just like if you focus on what you like about them the annoyance will get smaller and what you like will be enhanced.

[set]

well go to simpleology.com

its just another tool so it might not/might help you.

another advise is to just tell yourself that you will only spend 30 mins and then you're free to do whatever you want.

I basically do 30 mins, rest 5 min, do 30 min...and the cycle continues...

I'm self employed so i work from morning (around 9 am after exercise) till at night 9pm or 10 pm depending on what time my GF is free. (spends 2 to 3 hours with her and then sleep)

of course i get sidetracked sometimes like now. My life seems boring but its not for me, i've played enough (used to get drunk & party everynight with lots of diff girls )

good luck dude.

P.S. try this passion test "if you wake up at 3 am (fully awake) wat will u do? the answer is your passion (generally)

[Michelle]

It sounds to me as if your discipline problem is more of a kind of rebellion against authority (read: your father). Have you expressed to your father how it is you feel? He may not even know how his behavior affects you.

I get the sense you are under a lot of pressure. Try being understanding of yourself and kind.

Perhaps it would benefit you to start taking care of what is going on inside of you (you seem hungry for this kind of thing) more by seeing a professional. I have had great success in my psychotherapy.

Good luck to you!

[Debra Moorhead]

I really need to find a source to give me more discipline.

Self-discipline is not something you have more or less of. Everyone has self-discipline; some people use it more than others. You just need to decide to use yours. Period.

I can't focus on the task at hand.

You can focus on the task at hand, you’re just not focusing on the task hand, which, I’m assuming, is studying for your finals. Why is that? Are you possibly setting yourself up for a really good excuse in case you fail?

I’m sorry if I’m not giving you the touchy-feely stuff you were looking for, but it sounds to me like you need a kick in the butt. I mean, you’re complaining that your father is calling you three times a day; so don’t answer the phone! What – like, they don’t have caller id in Boston?!

Stop blaming everyone else for the way you’re behaving. You have control of you. That’s it. It’s your situation, your problem. Only you can be the solution. After all, you’re 21 for God’s sake.

I would normally recommend Steve Chanlder’s 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself, but it sounds like you have read enough. You need to get to work. It’s time to pay the price for whatever it is you’ve been working for. Why are you at Harvard in the first place? What are the benefits of doing whatever it is that you’re putting off? Focus on the results and remember; champions don’t become champions in the ring – they are merely recognized there.

Please know that I do want to help you, but if you've read that much self-help, it seems a different approach is necessary.

Good luck and I sincerely hope you come out of your funk before it's too late.

[Eli]

Boston
Whether you believe or not. Just tell it to god. Say I don't believe in you but that does not mean that you don't exist. So if you are there I need help and to know you in some way. Forget how U feel about doing it, just do it. Peace. Eli

You're not afraid R U

[Michelle]

Just one more idea:

Inform yourself about the origin of the word "discipline". It is far from whipping one's self into shape or forcing one's self to do something.

I don't think action is always a choice, because sometimes we get so paralysed and the reasons for it are so deep in our subconscious. Many times if someone has success at whipping themselves into shape one day it will cause an even greater rebellion the next day.

Better to start a process of getting at the root of who you are while freeing yourself from your origins and past.

[Lauxa]

I'm not sure what is preventing you from getting your work done, but sometimes for me it is overwhelm. If the situation seems too overwhelming, I might try to escape and avoid when I really need to plow through. If you get the EFT-Talk podcast, the very first episode has a segment on overwhelm. If the problem is something else, EFT can still help, you just need to identify what the emotional block is and then use the EFT to move past it.

Good luck!

[gberardi]

Originally Posted by boston

I go to Harvard Univ, right now is finals week.

Sorry, I can't help you. A friend of mine goes to Yale, and I don't know if he would appreciate it if I helped the enemy. B-)

Ok, seriously, though:

I am having tons of trouble with self discipline...I've started smoking again (I used to in high school), and I spend money VERY carelessly these days. I've never been like this, so I really need to find a source to give me more discipline.
...

Problem is, now all I do all day is read self-help. I will spend a day reading four or five psychology or self-help books, and I can't focus on the task at hand.

Some external reasons are that my father won't stop treating me like a child, so I'm going through lots of angst toward him...again, I can't control my anger these days, I'm trying to.

Also, I hate my roommates.

I don't have much of an outside crowd either.

I think my problem is something deeper. Plus, the books just make me more nervous in public.

You're reading self-help, and you've even read Covey, yet you seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on external things. I know an 8-year old who says to me "You are making me so angry" because I won't always give him a straight answer or give him what he wants. I always respond to him, "I am not making you angry. You're choosing to get angry." He just gets more upset at that answer.

I'm not calling you a child, but the point is that you are in charge of your own thoughts. Your father can call you all he wants. Your roommates can be demons from hell. You can fail every test. No matter what happens, you are still in charge of your own thoughts.

I'm not dismissing these things as trivial. It's just that you have a choice in the matter. If your father calls and continues to baby you, you can choose to get angry about it, or you can choose to not be angry. As said above, you can even choose not to answer the phone. You can choose new roommates.

You can also figure out why you are getting angry. It's never because of some external source. You aren't angry that your father is babying you on the phone. Perhaps you're angry because you don't feel like you measure up to his standards, and his calls just remind you that he doesn't seem to trust you to be a man. Or perhaps you don't like him and wish he would just leave you alone. Or perhaps you do like him and wish his calls wouldn't be so patronizing and instead would be about things you would prefer to talk about. I don't know, and I don't pretend to know. You, however, might know.

Why do you hate your roommates? Hate is a very strong word, and maybe you don't actually hate them, but for the sake of argument, why choose hate? They aren't in charge of your decisions, so what makes hate a better choice than understanding, or indifference, or any other thing?

Along the same lines, you started smoking. You are spending without a budget. No one made you do either of these things. Even if someone asked you to do it, or if someone told you to do it, you are still the one responsible for your actions.

So if you want to find a source for discipline, it's you. You are the one who can exercise your self-discipline, and you are the one who is ultimately going to make your situation better. It's simultaneously scary and empowering to realize that no one is going to come to the rescue. It's scary because it sounds lonely, but it is empowering because you have to realize that you are enough.

[Nikos Sokin]

Poster above had a very good point I wanted to reemphasize: if you hate your roommates, I'm sure they can feel some of that! You don't need to be friends, and I'm assuming you don't share rooms with them, just a suite (which is more challenging--but think of Chinese students who share rooms with 4-6 bunks!).

Your room is your retreat from the world, it's your basic escape. If it's not a refuge, that's an additional challenge in your life. You don't need that. Interestingly, this applies to your roommates as well--you can make their lives less satisfying too. If they are not specifically going out of the way to make your life more difficult, try this approach next semester:

- focus on what you need to get done academically at the library,
- when you get home simply acknowledge them with a simple hi, then go back to your life
- once every week or so, for those roommates you think it might be possible, have a short conversation with. who the heck are they and why on earth are they so different from you? what do they care about? do you have *any* common interests? Note that this is a diplomatic move. You may not give a damn, esp at first, but the truth is, you might be stuck with them for a while, so any positive relationship you create, even if minute, can help smooth future encounters
- generally when they are roommate issues about who isn't contributing, who isn't cleaning, paying for this--aim to be less petty. make sure you feel it's ok if you do a bit more than the others on issues in which you care more.

Ah yes, don't pick up the phone each time dad calls. Tell him afterwards you were studying and are having difficulties concentrating. But call him once a week and let him know how you are. If he is babying you, that's his problem too, he's having problems letting go. Parenting isn't easy either. I'm not sure he cares so much whether you're eating your veggies, he's just having issues with the fact that he is no longer able to do much to help you along. It's up to you now. Veggies are a concrete checkmark item he can ask about. But if he really wants to check in on the same facts each time, you can either talk to him about it (Dad I know you are anxious about how I am doing at school, but the fact that you call me 3x a day tells me you don't trust me to go at this by myself) or heck, send him an Excel sheet with the checkmark list for the week. Veggies? check Teeth brushed? check If he can't see the humour in that, at least you are communicating the pieces of info he is looking for. It's more efficient and less anxiety producing that way too. Sometimes you have to humour the parents even if they don't know what's best for you.

Tell him you are working hard at increasing your concentration and so you

Good luck!

n

[boston]

Thanks so much for the replies. I did realize that my problem was externalizing...thats why I purposefully said "external forces." I was externalizing on purpose because, I read in a book by Martin Seligman, that it is good to externalize in response to depression, which I think I was developing. But rationally, I clearly understand that this is not an external problem (or, if it is, the external area isn't one which I can control).

I am trying to work things out with my room mates. I think I have trouble w/ the social life here in general. I have dispersed friends (friends in different groups), and lots of them are like me (they also have friends in different groups). I want some cohesive network, some very close friends. Right now, I just go out with my friends and party. But I want people I can talk to closely. Especially girls, I want more than sex, etc. And I feel like I have so much energy which I just need to channel something NOT RELATED TO MYSELF, that is why I am somewhat weary of PD at times. I need some outside thing I can devote my time to, and I also want to have friends...its hard for me to balance investing time with close friends (and, quite frankly, learning how to become a closer friends--whether through PD, PUA, Robert Greene, etc.) and studying.

Thanks again!

[Athena]

Originally Posted by boston

asking me if I eat my vegetables and sleep enough.

awww cute!!



good luck to you.

btw, as for choosing your pd literature, surveying stuff like robert greene etc is okay, but I really don't recommend actually using that stuff. it's kind of manipulative, and if you lure someone in with those tactics, I think they'd be taking the place of more valuable relationships that you could base on common interest, true attraction, common values, goals, aspirations, etc. I would focus on attracting people by deeper and more valuable elements and grow your social/ intimate circle that way.

[Ati]

Hi Boston,

I think it's great that you can articulate what you're going through so well and be appreciative of the responses here.

Please don't forget that a lot of these "high powered" schools, whether Ivy League schools of one sort or another, medical schools, law schools or other schools are so often places to which people come who have high expectations for themselves, often built out of high expectations from their family or social backgrounds. For some that works quite well, for others not so.

I know many people who have gone to the Harvards and Stanfords of this world who have not done much with the status or name of the school and who may or may not have done much with what was offered academically. And I know many people who went to a "B flat" school and who have done wonderful things with their lives. When I say either "not done much" or "done wonderful things", I mean everything from things financial, things spiritual, things family, things intellectual, things creative.

So where you are going to school undoubtedly has some real challenges just because of the built in environment surrounding you. At the same time, what you do with it is purely yours. Have you read "My name is Charlotte Simmons" by Tom Wolfe? (His latest novel).

Another thing is that undoubtedly there are other people right beside you (not necessarily your roomates ) who may well feel as pressured or overwhelmed as you describe. Finding them, not to start up a "pity party" but rather to engage in some collegiality might be a helpful thing.

Last, it does sound like you are feeling overwhelmed. That does get better, and probably if you get yourself to do one more thing today than you did tomorrow, in the direction of what you aim to accomplish (pass your finals?), then more things like that will come your way.

All best to you, and keep us posted. It sounds like you've got a lot of folks right here who are rooting for you in one way or another....

Ati

[Liara Covert]

If you do feel overwhelmed, teach yourself that one of the most useful life skills to develop is how to relax and not let stress get to you. Remind yourself that sources of stress you can't control (i.e. what other poeple think and do) are things you benefit from learning to step back from. You can only control how you think and feel. Do you think discipline seems easier to handle if you break down pursuits into incremental goals?

[quin]

I've just completed one of the toughest years of schooling I've ever had to deal with.

I found that on top of everything that was happening in my life, I just couldn't get in control of my school work. My fear of failure became SO immobolizing!

One thing I noticed was that I almost became addicted to self help books. I was using them as a means to procrastinate beginning school work, yet keeping some sort of feeling that I was doing something good for myself. Occassionally I would have a revelation and realise "You know what, all this reading about overcoming procrastination isn't helping if I'm using it to procrastinate" and immediately afterwards I would sit down and do an hour or two's work.

I don't really have the answer for you, but perhaps what would help is just taking action - any action - no matter how small in the direction you want to go.