I wish to live consciously and find my purpose.

[Zerox]

I'm not even sure how to start this post.

..Let's just go with it, sorry if it appears sporadic.

[ btw Long post.. ]

Three days ago, I was in a deep state of depression, while this happens a lot it was a new low this time. However I am a rational and very lucid person so despite self destructive thoughts I did not act on any of them.
However in an act of desperation, I did as I so often do (daily as a matter of fact) I went online in search for answers.

I am a very troubled person, I have been for my whole life. Constantly being fed with questions, and they increase in numbers and importance as time goes on. This is common for most people I assume. The problem is I cannot find answers to any of these questions, not even the basic ones.
I don't see this as an individual experience, I'm aware that a lot of people have this problem. This is just one of my many different ways of trying to figure it out.

Lately, the past year. I have put extra thought on the questions; "Why am I here?" "What is my purpose?" "What do I want to do in my life?" "What do I want in general?"
And it was a mere coincidence that I stumbled in on Stevepavlinas site.
For three days now I have read his blog regarding not only personal growth but also why you should never get a job. By far the most interesting read in my life. However they do not seem to answer any of my questions but instead just add -more-, quite frustrating while fulfilling.

In order for you to understand what I'm getting at it's important that you know some things about me. Please pay attention to that this is not a self pitying or a search for recognition thread.

I am 19 years old, (Oh no, another troubled teen. Right?)
Anyway, I hit 20 in april. I have never had a good relationship with my family, for as long as I remember we have always quarreled and it has only gotten worse over the years, Mainly because I decided to be in charge of me.

I have never had many friends in my life, and I still don't. As a child I was the bullied, as a teenager I was the outcast who was even rejected by the other outcasts. So I have always felt more or less alone through out my life.
Despite this I have an unhealthy need and desire to be with people constantly, and depend on them. Because I want them to depend on me in return. Something I have never accomplished and I'm starting to think that it's a bad thing that I need to get rid of. The only time I open my mouth to speak is when I do grocery shopping for me and my mom. "Hello.. Thankyou.. Bye.."

I have never had a fulfilling life. While I was the top student during elementary school, in highschool and college (yes I've been to college, although I dropped out) I lost all will to abide by their rules. The subjects held no interest for me, no matter how I looked at it. Nor were they challenging. So instead of doing what Steve did I decided to completely ignore it. Only doing enough to barely pass each class. Some I did better in because I was just naturally better in those areas.
Instead I'd day dream, observe people and learn how people behaved, and play games to make time go by faster (why on earth would I want that?.. I regret it to this day). Life is short.

I have always thought of myself as emotionally detached. While I can feel emotion, pretty strongly sometimes, I never express them because I don't feel a need to or think that it would benefit me or anyone else.
For my entire life, I experience sadness, frustration, anger and confusion 90% of the time. Like any other troubled teenager. But as I said this is my way of trying to deal with them because I know who I am and I know I do not want to be this person. Knowing and accepting who you are is the first step if I remember correctly. I accept who I am, but that does not mean It is who I want to be 10days from now. Or 10 years from now.

After I left college I had to move back in with my mom, I could not get a job anywhere. And after 6months (present time) I still cannot get a job. Probably because of the economic instability. (I Have a dynamite Resumé and cover letters) It probably also have something to do with that I dont want a job.
I've had summer jobs and part time jobs and those times were as being drunk beyond recognition. I don't remember anything. I remember the day it started. The rest is a blank because thats what the work I did was, a big blank void. Meaninless. I feel as If I've lost important time.

My mom wants me out of the apartment, Since we don't have a good relationship, she sometimes threatens to throw me out. I do have some friends but we rarely speak and they have no will to help me in my current situation. So I guess they're not that good friends, but I dunno.
I have thought about going back to college, since I cannot support myself without an income. But there is absolutely nothing that interest me that I can go to college for, OR make a profit to sustain myself with.

So I thought that Steve's posts on Meaning of life and Find your purpose in 20minutes would be good reads. I've read all parts of these and I've been doing the exercise for an hour and im completely out of ideas of what to answer now. So I decided to write a letter to Steve, but then figured It would be more respectful to post it in the forum since It's quite a selfish thing to ask for personal help.

When I'm not in a state of deep depression, I am emotionally numb. I experience no sadness nor happiness. But this is a good thing. Because when I'm depressed I do nothing but ♥♥♥♥♥ and whine to the few people who still accept me and look for solutions. When I am numb I think more rationally and more clearly. As I am now when writing this.

While doing this exercise you are supposed to know what the right answer is because a surge of strong emotions will go through you. I assume, positive emotions. Or perhaps negative in a sense "Why didnt I see it?" or "I have been so wrong but atleast now I know" Still positive in the end.
Anyway, I have not felt a thing yet, and I'm completely out of ideas.
BUT! I will stick with it, because this is something that even though rationally doesn't seem to make sense, still makes sense to me. And I'm curious of its credibility. I want it to work.

I have no clue what I want out of life, I have no clue what I enjoy in life, I have no idea of why I am the way I am, I know a lot of; Who I'm not, who I dont want to be and what I dont want to do. But none of that gives me an answer. And I've been at this for several years.

My life is extremely boring, all I do every single day is play videogames or google for things such as self growth, and search for answers to my many questions. As I said, I dont hang with friends, nor talk much with them.
Why? Because well, they aren't that interesting themselves. And they are pretty hypocritical, something I completely despise being raised by the lord of hypocrisy. I do ofcourse realize that ALL humans are hypocrites, small or big. Some don't even know it themselves, but I do what I can to not be one as much as possible. There are a lot of reasons I don't hang with friends, another is purely economical. They live across town. I can't afford to take the bus, and I don't own a bike. Walking takes 4-6hours. I've checked.

I have no certain spiritual beliefs. I have explored many, and I accept the existence of them. Keeping a very open mind to everything spiritual and religious. [Side note: I do not believe in college as a good way to educate because I have learned so many things on my own so much faster by myself than any school could ever teach, there for I am against the whole idea of going to college, the only benefit of college is that you'll have a worthless piece of paper validating that you know what you say you know.]
[Side note2: Lucid dreaming. I've had lucid dreams since I was 14, It was probably accidental but I have never thought high of it. It's normal to me. I do it every night. When I first read about lucid dreaming I though that it was something new but I have later realized that I have been lucidly dreaming all along, not chocking but a bit interesting discovery.]

-Nothing- chocks or surprises me. If an alien would come to my house and give me super powers, I'd say "cool.." and that'd be it. Again with the emotional numbness.
I do smile though, when the frustration and stress get too much, I even shake sometimes.

[Summary]
So to recap.
I am/are/have etc
-19 years old
-Socially disrupt
-A bad relationship with friends and family
-Unemployed.
-Depressed.
-Unfulfilled.
-Not spiritual
-No motivation
-A desperate will to become a good and successful person.

[Zerox]

[wow, didn't even fit into one post..]

While reading about meaning of life Steve spoke about context, or your view on life.

For what it's worth: I see life, or society, as follows: We are born, we get grinded into good little monkeys through repetitive school systems, we become some rich persons ♥♥♥♥♥ for 50-60years, we retire, we die.

A sad point of view. I see life as this and It scares the living jeebez out of me. I know there are other ways to live life, I know even if you do get a job and follow that timeline you can still have some fun. But I don't know how. No matter what I read I cant figure it out. I seem to have lost track so I will just end here, it's already quite a read.

If you have read this far, THANKYOU. I would hug you for just putting up with all this. Feedback is obviously very appreciated. Do note, I have no money, I have nobody to turn to, I'm unemployed after 6months active search. Answers like "Just get a job" wont really do since.. I can't seem to get one. Get psychiatric help has also been a common answer, again with the money. And its not that I really need it. This is not about how to get over my depression, that will take care of itself. This is about my purpos, finding what I want to do so I can get on with my life.

Offtopic: I am good at art, sports, learn new things easily, 3D and the graphical aspect of game development, However I don't really -like- any of them. (except freerunning and acrobatics.. though no money or friends makes this seem pointless)

I know I can't offer much in return for help but I'd gladly repay any helpful feedback. With what? I don't know.

[Scary thing is this is the short version..]
[I categorize this as Problem-solving and decision-making but sorry if I am mistaken in this and posted in the wrong section.]

[magi13]

Hi, I'm M, I wish to lend a helping hand, I'll ask a series of questions, I hope my questions will guide you to the answer you wish too seek.

Can you write in one sentence what you think is the main problem with yourself? If there is a problem? And write your possible solutions? Before replying to my post I wish for you to reflect on it, in a sense that you will not regret what you've written.

P.s. Fist raised in the air, yeah! for having the guts to seek help.

[Zerox]

Oh.. One sentence.. And only ONE problem..


I believe that my main problem is; I let my confusion, frustration and anger. (or categorized; Negative energy) Paralyze myself from moving forward.

I am sometimes overwhelmed by negativity that I just sit down and do nothing.. give in.
I don't know what I'm fighting for, why I'm alive or why I should keep on living.
I only know that I don't want to stop.
Lack of safe zones and comfort areas makes this happen more frequent I guess.

As for solutions. I believe that if I had some sort of goal that just said in my gut "Hell yeah!" Something that made sense and just felt right when I thought about it would be enough. Then I would know what to do, everything else would fall into place. ( This is of course impossible to know for sure I just think if I had a reason, I could deal with the rest. )

I hope I answered right..?

[magi13]

You have just answered your own problem. ^^ Now lets reflect on what you want that goal to be?

Think about it. We'll be closer to the solution as soon as you find that one thing you want to do.

-M

[Zerox]

Originally Posted by magi13

You have just answered your own problem. ^^ Now lets reflect on what you want that goal to be?

Think about it. We'll be closer to the solution as soon as you find that one thing you want to do.

-M

Yes, I though of that as I was writing but I don't see it.
Could my reason be to find a reason?
No It could not, because when I think of finding a reason, I feel demoralized, sad and inadequate (Why don't I have one?). I do not want to dedicate my life doing things that make me miserable so I can find a reason, I want to find a reason so I can dedicate my life doing things I feel good about in order to live the best life I can possibly achieve. Without a goal or purpose, I don't see how that can be made possible since I honestly don't know what makes me feel good or what makes me happy. I might have forgotten them, but I cannot find a happy moment in my memories. The happiest have been when I would be dreaming or day dreaming that I could fly or that I lived in an imaginary world.

So the question remains.. What do I want? (Something just hit me, I dont see how it helps but i guess anything is a small step forward? The answer is Freedom.. kind of corny)

To answer Steves tips on how to find this:
What do I need to survive? Food, water, shelter, love.
What can I do? Lot's of things, I don't think there is something I can't do given enough time.
What can I learn? Anything! The sky's -not- the limit.
What do I want to do? No clue!
What should I do with my life (based on values)? No idea!

[Froztwolf]

I know some people that are clinically depressed and I have to say your world view is very much like theirs.

You say people have pointed out that you could use professional assistance but you can't afford it. Have you looked at how your state, government etc. supports low-income people in such matters? It's more common than you would think.

Seeing as you seem to have a lot of experience with google, finding more advice like this would probably help: Free Depression Treatment - Free and Low Cost Depression Treatment

Depression can be a vicious spiral of entropy which can be hard to break by oneself. There is no shame in seeking assistance with it and life can become so much more meaningful for it.

[Zerox]

Originally Posted by Froztwolf

I know some people that are clinically depressed and I have to say your world view is very much like theirs.

You say people have pointed out that you could use professional assistance but you can't afford it. Have you looked at how your state, government etc. supports low-income people in such matters? It's more common than you would think.

Seeing as you seem to have a lot of experience with google, finding more advice like this would probably help: Free Depression Treatment - Free and Low Cost Depression Treatment

Depression can be a vicious spiral of entropy which can be hard to break by oneself. There is no shame in seeking assistance with it and life can become so much more meaningful for it.

I am aware of depression and I understand it, I've read many articles and I've studied psychiatry (And been a professional sap for many years ). As well as asked many people who I think sums up to one really good psychiatrist. None can really help me because none knows what to say. Only I can help me because only I can find the answer. And the answer to my depression is my circumstances. I am depressed because;
I have close to or no Friends. (Nor do I know how to get new ones without money)
I have no good relationships with anyone.(And I do not wish to make them better because I don't feel at fault for this)
I have no money. (I hate money..)
I have no goal in life. (Which is what this thread is about)
I can't get a job. (Keep trying, I know, I am. But I don't want one.)
I spend days in and days out researching and looking for work without results.
I could very well be thrown out on the street tomorrow, or next week. Or in a month from now. (Pretty stressing)

I can think of more, but I think you get the point.
If I could change my circumstances I could change my mood. Which also falls into the category of this thread.

As for governmental help etc, I've checked and while there are cheap ones there aren't free ones. The cheap ones are staffed by the inexperienced, I know because I have tried to get a job as one.

[magi13]

I think you wish to understand your state at the moment. I try to see it in a rational point of view, but there are factors that affect these: such as you emotional state, your background, genetics, environment and the way you deal with things.

If you can answer my questions and still find your own answers hard to achieve, then it's something deeper. I ask you to reflect because I truly believe you know how to fix your problem. The question is are you willing to try your own answers?

Better yet, do you trust and believe yourself?

[Zerox]

Originally Posted by magi13

I think you wish to understand your state at the moment. I try to see it in a rational point of view, but there are factors that affect these: such as you emotional state, your background, genetics, environment and the way you deal with things.

If you can answer my questions and still find your own answers hard to achieve, then it's something deeper. I ask you to reflect because I truly believe you know how to fix your problem. The question is are you willing to try your own answers?

Better yet, do you trust and believe yourself?

Yes, I know how to fix my problem. If we're talking about the part with me being unemployed. There are three options. School = debt.
Work = uncertain. Life less. Equivalent of dying slowly like a painful cancer.
Hobo = Huge risk.. I want to but It scares me. I don't do well on my own.

I thought more about the whole freedom thing that popped into my head.
And also about the dreams I have.
They are connected.
What I want out of life, is freedom. So what is freedom to me?
Well, it's not a job, it's not school, it's not living at home with your parents, and it's definitely not abundance of money, although that would be one way.
I don't want to be addicted to anything, I don't want to depend on anything or anyone. I want to be free to do as I wish without having to worry about when my next meal will be or where I will sleep tonight. Of course not without consequence. I wouldn't want to hurt people for example.

I want to broaden my horizons and see new things, experience new things constantly.
Never walk the same path twice.

I want to be loved, I want to be well thought of and appreciated.
While none of this makes me cry as suggested in Steve's blog, when I think the words "I want to be free" I feel calm. Something extremely alien to me.

The dreams I keep coming back to over and over since the day I was born are as follows:

I see myself lying on a grassy hill, looking at the sky, the sun is setting.
If you look around there is nothing but green landscapes all around. Some roads here and there. My friends walk up to me, Two guys and a girl, I don't see their faces. So it could be anyone. They are the best of friends.
We hang out all the time, we play all the time. Even in rain we do things to make it fun. When we cant think of anything we still spend time with eachother, staring bored into the ceiling. Still enjoying the company.

We spend time in town, we go hiking. We tell stories. I have a romance with the girl, innocent. The guys have their own romances on the side, great people but not part of our specific group. We sit on roof tops looking at the sunset.

..I am such a drama queen aren't I? [Or err.. king.]
This is by far my favorite dreams of all. And whenever I think "I want to be free" or on the word "Freedom" I think of these dreams and feel this calm.

But that's all they are. Dreams. My history teacher used to call me a Romantic. Referring to romanticism.

The whole not depending on stuff though.
I don't even know if this is achievable in our current corrupted society.
And even if it is/was, how do I go about getting there?

I feel that by abiding to the guilt my folks put on me, following society rules. I'm willingly signing contracts for my own imprisonment. It hurts, it scares.

So taking all of this into account, going on the hobo traveling thing is the most "sane" choice, right? But as I said. I suck at being on my own, and it's such a huge step. It's such a huge risk. I'm all for taking risks I mean I would jump across buildings with no hesitation. But THIS is totally life changing.
What if I don't make it? what If I end up on the news as another runaway kid, starved to death in a ditch, killed by hooligans or just fall off the edge of the earth (kidnapped etc)

Remember what I said about negative energy paralyzing me..?

So I'm torn. Live by the rules of a society I find -extremely- corrupted. Because, well it apparantly works. I won't be alive but I'll be breathing.
Or Discard all that is society, and go where my heart tells me. Live a life free of guilt. Each of these paths mean Tremendous roadblocks, hardships and the latter one might even prove to be impossible or fatal.

P.s This thread has been pretty helpful so far..

[magi13]

This is progress, because you're getting to know your limitations. I felt helpless in the past too and considered every failure I did limiting. Now that I think I've grown up a bit, I can face those failures and use them as motivating factors to do better.

I make 30612 $ a month, I know it's not much, but it's through hard work and lots of failures.

If I can do this, you can too, but the effort will be on your part, but we here can walk by your side and give support.

I'm a freelance researcher and writer/business man. I'm also a student taking up law.

If you want to know what I did, it can be summed to these few factors.

1. Fail and move forward.
2. Focus on what I wanted to achieve
3. I used the most updated methods to maximize my performance
4. I dared to risk
5. I had friends/network who believed in me and pushed me to never give up.
6. Yes I prayed a lot.
7. Desire+technique and a lot of luck.

-m

[edith]

Originally Posted by Zerox

Remember what I said about negative energy paralyzing me..?

Zerox, have you considered exploring whether or not you have dysthymia? It's a sort of low-level depression that is constant - saps the life out of you - but it may not appear on your radar screen as depression because it never changes.

All the introspection is good, but if you can't get your head above the water for the better thinking to be like a breath of fresh air, it won't help. The dysthymia may have colored your life so completely, you can't see where the illness stops and you begin. It generally saps all pleasure from life as well.

Having said that, you talk about your childhood quite a bit. A couple of things to read that could shed some light on your childhood are Alice Miller's works - I found them helpful in seeing how some of my adult coping mechanisms were derived from things that happened when I was a child - and takingchildrenseriously.com - a new way of looking at the parent-child relationship that might offer some insight to why you think the way you do.

Most of us are taught from the crib that our preferences don't matter. We are shoved into a box that doesn't fit us from the word "go". If this happened to you, it's no wonder you don't know what you want to do. You've been told all your life that what you want doesn't matter, and you've had to constantly adapt yourself to what others' want for you.

Try just going through your day thinking about the little preferences you still do have. Do I want a glass of water or a cup of coffee? Hey! I want a cup of coffee! That's what *I* want! Sounds silly, but it's amazing when you wake up to your wants and what they tell you about yourself. Don't go out and try to *find* them - or answer the huge question of "what do I want in life". Your wants are unfolding, moment by moment. You need to become aware of them and practice honoring them.

You may also find that you can be more flexible because they're are A LOT of things to want in life.

[magi13]

P.s. On the things you're not sure of, I wasn't sure of things too when I was your age, believe it or not, I decided on what I do when I was 24.

19-24 I didn't know what I want, I'm sure in your case that's also valid. I did part time jobs, I worked at 7/11, part time at an internet cafe, patisier at a bakery, in short I broadened my horizons while I was in college.

There is no short cut to success and sometimes, well more often than not you have to make sacrifices. Like time and effort, unless you're one of the lucky few who gain w/o working. ^^,

I started at the bottom and worked myself up from the bottom. I'm sure steve's articles has a lot of tips with respect to this have you read them?

[Zerox]

edith - Oh shoot, I hope I don't have that. But it does make sense.
Although I try not to look at my depression as some subcategory of a subcategory that requires a certain type of pill or.. I dunno. I believe it's all in my head and that I can fix it by using my head. Perhaps no alone, but I don't want some pill to chemically fix it for me. Would you rather work out or have the muscles implanted? Which would feel more "true" to you?
Appreciate the small things in life... very.. very.. small things..
I do know I wanted tea just a second ago

magi13 - That is a ridiculous monthly income. Bravo, Bra-vo!
Seems almost impossible. But are you telling me to live by society? going against this desire for freedom? I mean, it's the only thing in the grander spectrum that I can think of. And today's society does not have freedom as a career. I have read many of his work related articles and his podcasts. He keeps mentioning how important it is to know what it is you want to do. And implement that into your work. There is no work on this planet that I can think of that has anything remotely close to what it is I desire.
(Unless there is some secret agency that gets you rich while you do what makes you happy)

Now it's sounding almost as I want to go through life without hardships but if you think about it, nothing is without hardships and I dont think I would want to be without them. They shape us, they help us evolve.

[magi13]

Originally Posted by Zerox

edith - Oh shoot, I hope I don't have that. But it does make sense.
Although I try not to look at my depression as some subcategory of a subcategory that requires a certain type of pill or.. I dunno. I believe it's all in my head and that I can fix it by using my head. Perhaps no alone, but I don't want some pill to chemically fix it for me. Would you rather work out or have the muscles implanted? Which would feel more "true" to you?
Appreciate the small things in life... very.. very.. small things..
I do know I wanted tea just a second ago

magi13 - That is a ridiculous monthly income. Bravo, Bra-vo!
Seems almost impossible. But are you telling me to live by society? going against this desire for freedom? I mean, it's the only thing in the grander spectrum that I can think of. And today's society does not have freedom as a career. I have read many of his work related articles and his podcasts. He keeps mentioning how important it is to know what it is you want to do. And implement that into your work. There is no work on this planet that I can think of that has anything remotely close to what it is I desire.

I chose to be a part of society and I like what I do. ^^, What I mean is, you'll have to choose what you want to do, but if you don't know what you want to do, why not try little things and learn from it.

I know freedom is what you seek, I choose to seek freedom too, but I've accepted that freedom is what you think it is. I can manipulate my mind into thinking things that are purely subjective and it works for me. ( i really have a good imagination.)

Again, try things, experiment, the more experience you gain, the closer you are to finding what you truly want to do.

It took me 6 years to figure out what I wanted to do and it's still evolving from time to time. ^,^

Know your limitations = money/capability/experience and use what you know or can do.

What are you good at? This should be a good start.

In my case, I'm really good at reading people and in manipulating them. ^^, I know it may seem evil, but that's my specialty. The good news is that, the by product is a better society. I serve the people near me, they can buy stuff cheap (legal of course).

My theme is. "Excellent Service for the people." and I live by using my knowledge from my course - economics. If you understand economics, you know that it's idealistic nature is false and biased. You take advantage of that knowledge and apply it in real life.

Ex. A normal item causes 1 dollar. I can produce that and sell it for .5. I don't do the 1 dollar =2 dollar thing. But the exact opposite. But I still have net income.

I'm good at making money in business. So that's my specialty. I'm sure that you can do things via your own specialty. Just make sure you chose to specialize on things that make you money.

Love money, dream of it, ask it to come to you, accept it when it comes. You just have to think money and think ways of making money.
-this is my view, that's why I make lots of money.

If you view freedom, think of things that associate with freedom, and start from there, be specific, what kind of freedom do you want?

My baby's dad use to say, if you want to have a long life and be free, live in the mountains and in effect, you live longer, but you wish you died due to hardship.

[Zerox]

Well I've tried school, don't want that.(I love learning, but school just doesn't teach) I've tried a few different types of work, don't want that either. And when imagining myself doing any job I can think of, I just shake my head in despair.
Something I have been told since forever by my peers is that "Sometimes you have to do what you don't want to, even if ends up being 80 or 90% of your time" I just can't accept that. That is exactly what I mean!

Of course you are sometimes faced with MUST DO decisions, but to live your life by them, That's just torturing yourself. You should seek to be happy, to live the way you want to live.
Another thing i hear is, work hard. Get a job, save up all your money and go travel on your free time..
Somehow 1-2weeks a year vacation doesn't even closely add up to what I'd have to put up with. And I wouldn't even afford to REALLY travel until the age of 50, when my hip is broken and I couldn't jump a fence if they threw me. Just look at my parents, they are both very miserable people. Always angry, none can afford anything they want. My dad once told me with a sad smile on his face that when he's 60-65 He will have enough money to buy that car he wanted when he was 20years old.. 60-65..? And it's not just my parents, I see this in just about -everyone-! And they all had goals in their lives. But they all gave up on them. They just figured, this is life. Mediocrity.

I cannot think to ...Love money...
What am I good at? Well, I stated that in the second post. None of which give money.

If I had an abundance of money, I'd probably give it all away.

[magi13]

^^, Well I ask you to think about it. :3 It's your life, I'll just walk beside you, I can't do it for you because I'm not you.

[Zerox]

Originally Posted by magi13

^^, Well I ask you to think about it. :3 It's your life, I'll just walk beside you, I can't do it for you because I'm not you.

Thanks magi13. I have gained a lot from this.

[magi13]

Originally Posted by Zerox

Thanks magi13. I have gained a lot from this.

No problem, ^^ just update us, i'm sure the forum members will contribute more in time. Till then, don't give up.

[Bradshaw]

Zerox. I'll tell you exactly what it is you want.

You want to live.

You heard me. Say it to yourself.

I want to live.

Free yourself from your mother's grip, find some source of income and live. You can learn anything, right? So are you telling me you can't write a book that will add value of some kind of people? Or that you can't produce something online that will add value to people? You can't, or you don't want to?

That's right. I'm telling you outright that your purpose in life, at least right now, is to live.

Now go get angry and demand that the world gives you what you want.

[Peaceflmeadow]

Zerox,

First, I feel for you. While I can never say I have been in your exact position, I can say that I spent my childhood to late 20's awashed in depression and suicide and all those fun curveballs that life can toss at you. When I finally started feeling like I was coming out of it all, my younger brother committed suicide, which was a shock, but also a reminder that no matter how bad I felt, I was definitely not alone. So I do feel for you in this time of your life.....

BUT, I can say that no matter where you are at, how you feel, or the situation you are in, there is so much that can still be achieved. I did the years and years of numb to low to numb to low. I did the meds, the docs, ect ect, but nothing did more then produce numb. Finally I gave it all up, and decided to pick myself up off the ground on my own. I pulled my life 100% into my own hands, and changed my course. As Steve said recently to those that are financially challenged, I took 100% responsibility for my state. I previously blamed my family history of mental disorders, I blamed my husband, I blamed my health problems, my job, my family and my upbringing, and while all those issues were factors in creating my current state, it did not progress me forward at all by dwelling on them. Finally I realized no matter what those circumstances were in my past, I was NOT going to go through the rest of my life in that state, period.

No one could make me STAY in that state but myself. I had probably 26-27 years of training on how to be depressed and unhealthy.....so this statement meant that I had to change my entire way of thinking and being. But when I realized it was my personal choice for me stay in my current way of thinking, then the path forward became more clear.......lots of hard work ahead......but clear all the same.

I did not have a 'life purpose' defined for myself (and heck, I am still working on that), I did not have any clear goals or motivation, other then a refusal to live my life like I was. I used that refusal to live my time here in that state as my motivation to propel me forward.

This took a lot of analysis, and there were goods and bads in it all, mistakes, and following the wrong or slow path at times. I spent A LOT of time seriously just watching how my brain functioned. How every time something came up my first thought was negative. How every time I thought of myself I could list 100 bad things, and I would struggle to find one good. Then I changed that pattern through practice and force. If I said something bad, I stopped the thought process, and I turned it to something good. Whether I believed it or not, I said it.

I changed my exercise habits...knowing that endorphins released while exercising would assist me in the process of changing my thought patterns. I tried to get outside more, walk, sunshine, nature. Even if I did not want to, I kept repeating that I refused to stay down. I really almost got angry at my self, and even if it was anger, it was an emotion that fired me up to move forward.

Am I complete? No, and I never will be. Once I realized what I could do, what anyone can do if they put the energy into it, I have just run with the changes and growth. Do I have bad days still? Yes, but now the bounceback is not nearly as difficult, and more second nature.

It was never this clear as to what I was doing back then. I can look back and wrap it all into a nice little description, but it definitely was a lot more stumbling and fumbling then it appeared.

Maybe holding onto the hope that you DO have a purpose, no matter if you have found it or not......and that by working towards clarity and joy you will find that purpose along the way is a good place to start. Maybe doing volunteer work as Steve mentioned recently will help you find some direction on a job for the time being, or maybe even better, finding that purpose you are searching for. Or maybe just some small changes in your day to day life that require no financial or outside influence, changes only you can make just to see what happens. Maybe a 30 day trial with a mindset to change a particular area that is bothering you, and see what happens. I have recently been looking at EFT, and I am really liking the results from that.

I think the biggest change out of all of this, is that I am to a point where I am THANKFUL for the curveballs that have been tossed at me. I don't think I would have ever gotten to the point I am at in my life without my depression and my health problems. I would never be this 'aware' and 'alive' without them. These problems walked up and smacked me up side the head and said WAKE UP. I would never wish my experiences on another person, ever.....but I am still thankful for where they have brought me in my life.

I am hoping this helps you in some manner, I don't think I have written about this in such depth previously, and actually, I feel like I have learned something along the way. So if anything, thank you for giving me the chance for a bit more clarity on some of my own personal history.

[magi13]

Ideas
1. You don't have to find what you're looking for, you need to try a lot of things
2. Change your perspective and the world changes with you
3. Accept imperfectness and embrace change, when you do, you'll realize you don't need to be perfect in order to do things. (this really hindered me a lot hence I had a hard time coping with failure, but when I accepted it and used it to motivate me, it no longer bothered me and I can get up anytime I wanted to.
4. Use your strengths
5. One thing at a time
6. Think out of the box
7. Move forward
8. Trial and error/ scientific method/ learn from other people's mistake and make your own mistake and learn from it. ^^

[Zerox]

Bradshaw - I know I want to live.. Now I do at least. And not just live live..LIVE

Anyone can learn anything, unless they have lost that part of the brain that makes learning possible. Sure I could learn to write a book, if there really is that much to it. Sure I could produce something online. But what though, that is the question. What do I have that benefit others? Hmm.. Been thinking about that since I found this page and read my first article, 10 reasons why you should never get a job. My all time favorite.

I'm not sure if you were being sarcastic with the get angry part..

Peaceflmeadow - No offense, but I know this already =)
Thanks a lot for replying though, I know you mean well. I can tell by your words.
While my life has been a series of bad happenings one after another, I am also thankful for them because I now have values different from those who live carefree lives from day one. I could never see myself as the bratty guy with a crappy haircut and gets everything on a silver plate.

magi13 - 1: I guess I don't think there are that many things to try? (doesn't mean I'm not taking your advice)
3: failure doesn't scare me unless it's consequences are life threatening, mentally and physically. However, lack of confidence and motivation paralyze me from taking action.

4: what strengths? That I can draw? What kind of strenght is that?
That I can do 3D? so can a billion more people, most better than me.
That I can run? I just don't see how any of my strenghts, of the few strengths I have, can be used for anything at all.

5: One thing at a time, is -so- difficult. I get bombared by a million things at once, with deadlines yesterday, its just so much I can sit and stare at a wall and feel the sweat. My parents think I'm lazy because of this. They don't understand it because in their days you didnt have to think, you did as you were told.
6: There is no box, if anything I make the box. There are just so many hidden possibilities!


Thanks all of you!

[magi13]

What do you plan to do now?

[timothydrake]

I think you need to join the military and go active first. That is a 5 year contract with the military with 3 immediate years being on active duty and the last 2 in the states but you can always extend it. There is nothing more challenging than putting your life in harms way. I think you will find your purpose then. Yes I am being serious.

[Andrew Gubb]

Zerox, what you need to know is that you suffer so much because there's conflict in you: some part wants to break free of all the social ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. The sunshine wants to break through the clouds, but the clouds aren't too happy about being disturbed. This desire to be something more IS the part of you that is something more. The fact you want it shows that you are going to get it.

You know school is bullshi't. That's good. Most people live their lives completely accepting the system. Imagine what it'd be like to be THEM. Dead and not even knowing it.

Life can be what it is meant to be. Hold on to that. You're open minded. That's good. Experiment. And follow your intuition as much as you can. You'll find where you're going, even if you don't know where you're going yet. Just put one foot in front of the other. Look for guidance and those little moments that totally change your perspective.

Faith in Universal Intelligence and your spirit guides is a great thing to try. Read some of Erinpavlina.com.

Good luck

[edith]

I know this is way back in this thread, but just wanted to respond...

Originally Posted by Zerox

Although I try not to look at my depression as some subcategory of a subcategory that requires a certain type of pill or.. I dunno. I believe it's all in my head and that I can fix it by using my head. Perhaps no alone, but I don't want some pill to chemically fix it for me. Would you rather work out or have the muscles implanted? Which would feel more "true" to you?

Would you rather run on a broken leg than have it heal?

Depression, as far as the current thinking goes, is something physical happening in the brain. All the good thinking in the world can't fix it (but it can help). In fact, the methods for fixing it (meds) are not really up to snuff yet but they can help. I think they've found a combo of medication and cognitive therapy to be the best way to address depression.

So...it's not akin to developing your muscles; it's more like fixing something that's broken.

Not only that, untreated depression, even dysthymia, can make you vulnerable for more severe depressive episodes in the future. Untreated, it just gets worse.

You might consider your family history, too. Do any of your relatives appear to be dealing with a similar outlook on life?

I would suggest you read anything Peter Kramer has written on the subject. He has a blog on Psychology Today, and several books, including Listening to Prozac and Against Depression.

And this is not *me* diagnosing *you* (couldn't if I tried). Just information to consider. When you're problem-solving, it's all on the plate.

Appreciate the small things in life... very.. very.. small things..
I do know I wanted tea just a second ago

The small things are baby steps that will someday enable you to decide on the big stuff - your life's work, for example. Similar to what Magi said about doing various things for five years until he found *the* right thing.

The problem is that most of us are raised to dismiss our inner voice, our inner desires. We don't need to act on them in entirety, but we do need to understand them. They are where our motivations lie. They are signposts on our journey.

TimothyDrake - Is that like there are no atheists in the foxhole?

[Zerox]

magi13 - So what do I do now? I don't know.. entirely.
I'll be taking Andrew Gubbs advice for starts, as well as ediths (small steps)

I know what I want, only not which way I will take to get there.
This will be a series of experiments for a while forward.
One thing I am sure to do now is rid myself of all the guilt that makes me weak.
And no longer let my parents manipulate me through using that guilt.
I don't care how fierce the fight will be with them. I'm in control.

timothydrake - I have thought of joining the army in my country. (Which is not the US) But It's part of my beliefs that the army and that type of fighting in general is just wrong. And I wouldn't want to be called into a ridiculous war all of a sudden. I do however agree with you on the latter part.

Truth is, I still don't know what I enjoy in terms of hobbies. I'm good at things I don't enjoy. Nor what type of people I like being with. But if I do what I feel is right. It will come in time.

While I don't have an immediate solution yet, I have a good understanding of myself and this will help guide me. The choice will still be just as hard as before. But no matter what I decide to do, I have a reason for doing it. (although very blurred, still there.)


P.S Something else just struck me. I don't work well when I work for myself. Personal gain just isn't good enough to do anything at all.
When I have friends, really good ones.. (Or the time that i Did have one I should say) I would work harder for that person. Because suddenly I had something to look forward too.
I'd have someone to talk to, hang out with and show my progress to. Seeing as I'm always alone I see no point on working for anything since it wont benefit anyone I care about. I don't even have anyone I care about :P
But yeah, that's something that will have to come later.

[martialr]

This one may give you some insight.

ImageShack - Image Hosting :: pattern.jpg

It is taken from David R. Burns "Feeling Good".

I would suggest you to read this book at first place.

Wish you best

[MisterEThoughts]

I'm with you on this! I want to live consciously as well. Working on that as of right now.