I wish to live consciously and find my purpose.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Zerox

I believe that my main problem is; I let my confusion, frustration and anger. (or categorized; Negative energy) Paralyze myself from moving forward.

Do you ever get the feeling that when you're trying to be emotional, you're just acting? Like the emotions are fake? Maybe it's just my experience, but whenever I would try to explore my emotions that is the feeling that I would get.

I think it's because the emotions themselves are fake. The frustration, depression, confusion, and anger are responses that I generated because I thought that they were normal responses to the factors in my life. I was supposed to be confused by all these questions ricocheting around in my head so that I could find answers, but it always felt wrong somehow, as if there was something wrong with the confusion and the questions themselves.

The confusion was its own problem, as it turned out. I was pretending to be confused, because I thought that the only other alternative was to accept the insane beliefs that everybody else seemed unable to question. But there is another alternative, and you don't need to make yourself feel this way. Your feeling of confusion actually has nothing to do with advancing you past your questions, and your other feelings are equally ineffective. You don't have to focus on them, because they will never reveal anything new to you. Creating more confusion, frustration, depression, and anger will get you nowhere, and create no answers for you.

Of course, you're so used to it that you don't even know that you're doing it. One thing I'll suggest is that every time a negative emotion comes up, you examine it for reality. If you feel frustrated, "Is this frustration real? Is it doing anything for me, or answering any of my questions? Does it matter?"

You don't "let" them paralyze you; you make them paralyze you. They have absolutely no real power over your actions. Your actions are purely your own. Emotions are no excuse. There are no excuses, just actions. You probably have a tendency to think things like "I know it's my fault that I'm in this situation," to pretend to take responsibility for your actions. But blaming yourself does not exonerate you, feeling bad or resigned does not exonerate you, nothing justifies you. The actions are all you. Feeling bad has nothing to do with it.

[magi13]

You have the desire, now what's lacking is the technique to reach that desire.

What technique or method do you wish to know? Do you have options?

[Zerox]

The cloud - I used too.. a few years ago. But I stopped because I got sick of lying to myself. Now I don't question myself as much, and these feelings of frustration comes from many directions and are truly frustrating. However spending time here and reading your replies makes me feel better and gives me focus. (as well as long angry walks)

magi13 - You keep asking so many questions that I just can't answer.
I've come up with so many conclusions in this thread but in the end I still don't really know.
To put it simply, I want to know the most effective technique/method. The one most true to myself. Do I have options? I believe there is always a choice. But the choices are often hidden. Sometimes you don't see them at all until a year later. I keep reaching the same end.

• Keep whoring for an non-fulfilling job?
• Go to a non-fulfilling college? (as I havent found any colleges that specialize in traveling, extreme sports or just doing what you want)
• Risk everything and become a bum while hitchhiking around europe?

I've never felt this loved in my entire life. You people are actually helping me. (As opposed to the, "That's life, get over it" approach)
<3

[magi13]

^^, I'm glad you feel that way. I ask you these questions because I'm not you, only you can decide what's best for you, not I or the forum members. We can only nudge you at the right direction.

So that's why I ask you to think about it. And when the time comes when you no longer can think about it, the advice I can give you is to try things.

How things work for me is that:

1. I think of what I want to do, I don't have to be sure about it, I may have indifferent opinion about something or hate it so much. But I have to stare at the sword and face it in order to move forward.

2. I can be afraid of things, but I have to be confident to give it a go.

3. That's why we encourage you, not just tell you what to do. I wish for you to understand, and not just get the quick fix, but a thorough scan and repair of the whole situation.

4. ^,^ Keep thinking about it and attack it in all angles. Another way to find the answer is, you start from the result and backtrack to the question.

-m

[Plato]

Life is meaningful when you take action towards your goals.

If you don't know what your goals are it's because you've buried them under a pile of fear. What do you fantasize doing if fear wasn't holding you back? That's where your answers lie.

Then buckle up, strap in and set your course directly for the center of your fear.

[drama07]

You wish to live conciously, then I suggest you first be aware of everything that occurs internally and externally. What I mean by aware is to be nonreactive without thought to what you sense. Be aware of your thoughts, be aware of the feeling of emotion, be aware of that tragic car crash, be aware of that beautiful butterfly flapping its wings.

As you be aware, accept everything also. Accept that the tragic car crash occurred killing 3 children, accept that the pain you feel inside your bodd, accept the pleasure of being with that woman, accept the negative thoughts.

The trick is to observe nonreactively. That means observing everything without using your mind to label, judge, etc.

Now about your purpose. Your purpose is to be aware of the present moment. It's simple as that. Nothing else matters. Required actions occur without thought.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Zerox,

An important aspect for me when I hit lows like this is too free myself from external authorities. That's not to say I don't listen to anyone's advice, or that I avoid people in general. But in order to feel in control of my life, I have to be able to say "I want to" before everything I do.

Replace "I have to" with "I want to [insert whatever you choose to do]". This can sometimes eliminate a large chunk of the emotional resistance to taking action, because it puts your mind in charge.

Replace "I can't" with "I won't". Making this simple linguistic change can help you understand that the only thing holding you back sometimes is your lack of will. And more often than not, that lack of will is only there because you've become too dependent on external autorities, or even destructive voices inside your head.

Place yourself in a position of linguistic control.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Zerox

The cloud - I used too.. a few years ago. But I stopped because I got sick of lying to myself. Now I don't question myself as much, and these feelings of frustration comes from many directions and are truly frustrating. However spending time here and reading your replies makes me feel better and gives me focus. (as well as long angry walks)

But lying to yourself is exactly what you're doing now. You've made yourself a slave to your feelings. Look at all the time you spend focusing on them, trying to get them to change or go away, all so that you will be free to act. Does it work? Do they change or go away?

Emotions are not a means to action, or inaction for that matter. They don't actually do anything, so trying to use them as a means of getting yourself to do something is doomed to failure. That's why you If you want freedom and action, you have to go to its source. Manipulating your frustration has nothing to do with your actions, either to help or hinder you. It is completely irrelevant. Spending more time trying to get your emotions to allow you to be productive and fulfilled is more time wasted, because the emotions only seem to be the thing in the way. They aren't, though.

You are what is stopping you, not feelings, so no matter what you feel it will never control what you do. If you want freedom, stop putting things in your way and saying that they are stopping you. Until stop making yourself a slave, to emotions or circumstances or whatever other excuse you can find, you will never have the freedom you want.

[Zerox]

Plato - I'm scared of leaving on a journey with no money and no destination, except finding my purpose or a place where I belong.
I'm also scared of submitting to a life unfulfilled. Submitting to debt and many years of more suffering because I have to pay for my enslavement.
How do I know which fear to face? And on the matter of finding where I belong. Are there other ways I haven't found yet? That don't lead into #2

drama07 - I do this when I take walks. I merely observe everything around me.
And living in the moment is a great feeling. But I fail to see how it leads anywhere. I also fail to see what I should be doing in the moment. If I were to ask myself "What do I want right this moment" I wouldn't be able to answer.

Eric - Brilliant! made me feel better =)

The cloud - So do you suggest we are better off without feelings? Living in a setting much like the film "Equilibrium"? I guess you're not.
But no matter what action you take, if you dont feel good about it the action will seem pointless before,during and after it was taken.
Right now it is not about me changing my feelings for something, rather finding that something. I want to be free and I want to live, and I want to belong. It is the means of finding my way there that I need to discover. And I believe it is as magi13 say, it is only something that I can find. This is just one of many ways I try to find it.

Of course, all talk and no action does not lead anywhere either. So I'm trying to figure out what action to take. If it was as simple as decide Job-A or Job-B, green or blue, 10 or 20. I would probably choose Steves Ready-Fire-Aim approach. As I have a lot in my past. But now when the rest of my life depends on it, taking action and thinking "Everything will be fine" doesn't quite cut it.

I originally wanted to ask you (all of you); Read my first post, second and any other you find relevant. Put yourself in my shoes.

What would you do if you were me?

(I remember this being in one of Steves articles.)

(As always, can't thank you all enough for bearing with me and caring so much!)

[manusha]

hey zerox. what interests me about this post is that your situation, your thoughts on society in particular, remind me of the challenges i faced when i was your age. i'm 10 years older now and i'm not about to give advice because, really, i don't believe in it. like you've said, this has been really good for you, getting your private thoughts out and having dialogue - that in itself is healing. it's crazy how we come to forums to do it, to find these people because we don't have that kind of communication as accessible to us in our surroundings. that's why i read these forums too, because i can read about someone's thoughts and experiences, such as your own, and i feel i'm not alone, that people are or have gone through the same experiences that i have or have the same thoughts and questions. so, no, you are not alone.

your rejection, should we say, of society and its institutions is something i understand and it may be a hard road to find your niche, but we just got to keep on walking because we know the good stuff is up ahead, even though that will pass to. that's the nature of things right? always changing and for that reason, inherently imperfect. but do we walk with hope or despair? it seems you're asking yourself why even bother walking this road? you see the mess we're in, the misery of the people around you, the dishonesty with which many live their lives and it doesn't inspire you. you're afraid of the trap that is up ahead, that the others fell for. you understand freedom is something more than the laws a government defines. seems to me you feel the despair but you also have hope. this is good. and being as smart as you are is good too.

when it comes to this enormous explosion of individuals in western society only able to go about they're lives with pills, for depression, for anxiety, for add, you name it, it makes a me wonder if it's not this thing called civilization that isn't working out quite right. so, is the system sick or is the individual? there's all sorts of debates about this stuff, questions about human nature and the spirit, studying societies, present and past, and quantifying their degree of happiness and co-operation or lack of, as you may already know.

my concern for you right now is more related to bare-bones survival stuff. you say want to live consciously, you want to live a good life - i understand the importance of this, but you also want to be able to take care of yourself right now and feel secure. am i right? i believe you said that you understand the reason you don't have a job is because you don't want a job. i don't blame you. most jobs are stupid. but if it means standing on your own two feet, you may want to reconsider. your first step to freedom (here i am giving advice when i said i wouldn't, but it's as practical as i can get) is to no longer live by the rules of your family, to be responsible for yourself. the sooner you do that the better, the stronger you will be and more able to tackle the bigger questions. but the problems won't end there. like i said, some of us just got a long road to walk. how you should make money (or if you choose the hobo route) is up to you, as you know. but my guess is your physical (survival) and emotional ties to your family are so strong and pulling you down that you wont be able to get to your soul urge until you break free. in this case, we do what we can. we make that first step, even though it's not where we want to be ultimately, but it's better than where we were. and then we make another. then another.

i've seen friends who were geniuses in their own right work in factories just to pay the bills, just to have a place they could call home, so they didn't have to become phonies who sell their souls for commission, because for them, it was honest no-♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ work, even though it was hard and didn't pay well. i guess the reason i'm mentioning this is because freedom, the kind i think your talking about, isn't something you find, it's something you create. we build it in this world full of madness and beauty and it is completely up to us what it means, what it looks like.

good luck, zerox.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by Zerox

Brilliant! made me feel better =)

Glad I could help.

I've also found it useful to search for a balance between action and reflection. I don't always find it, mind you, but I try. Are you analyzing too much? Sometimes over-analysis itself has a paralyzing effect. Trial and error is usually the best way forward, as long as you know approximately which direction you're moving in.

[Zerox]

I think I've got it..
After reading about Aries (my zodiac) I realized a whole lot of things about myself. I'm not much for mumbo jumbo but now I'm totally into Astrology.. it was spot on, on everything.

While reading about my sign I also got the feeling "I'll never have a normal life"
I could never survive in a 9-5 ordinary crap job and being told what to do.(Evidently as I've quit every such job)

I'm also bold, spontaneous, daring and interested in learning new things.
(I suck at $. Can't keep it, spend it on others, can't obtain it, dislike the whole monetary concept)

Bah.. I read a book by Linda Goodman, but this link is somewhat similar and still very true: Complete information on Aries, the first sun sign in the zodiac.

So apparently I'd make a good fireman, policeman or military man.. and I probably would. But only firemen do some use in this society.

Anyway I'm rambling. I said I want to be free and I want to travel, I like being the hero; A volunteer.

As a volunteer, I get to travel! see the world as it is, see the heart of countries and not some tourist bullcrap and I'd be working to help those in need, I'd be paid in food and lodging. Sounds great! (also some even pay for the trip there.. which I'm kind of hoping for.)
OH But what about malaria!! or other dangerous monsters!! pff, to hell with them ;D

(This is incredibly true: You like extremes. Physical, emotional and mental, and benefit profoundly by experiencing them; but if your extremism goes too far beyond social acceptability, then expect to be extremely lonely. )

[Idealistic Dreamer]

You know, that sounds a lot like me a few years ago... Creepy...

You mentioned that you believe that you are born, work for someone then die... I'm not sure if this is going to be of any help to you, but it may shift your perspective out of depression and into what you really want to do with your life.

Place yourself in this scenario. You are immortal. No matter what happens to you, you cannot die. A thousand years is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and now you are at the crossroads of deciding on what you want to do for a few more decades. Look within you and ask yourself this:

If I had unlimited resources, money, and time and was not limited to what I could physically do right this moment, what would I do. Take your time. If you can see yourself doing something a thousand years from now its a good chance that that is your current purpose.

As you have said, you want to be free, but free to do what?

I used similar thinking to get myself out of a 16 year depressive funk where I felt much like you do. I now have my sights set to something so high and so far out there that everyone around me says its impossible. Once you find that one thing, or even many things, that you would love to be doing a millenium from now, you will be able to work toward that and have the freedom you seek and the life you seek.

~ Idealistic Dreamer

[rajiv159]

What can be greater puropose to live consicously. with awarness.

what dont accpet what is.