Friend has problems, how can I get him to seek help?

[Kaitn]

I apologize for the below copy-paste text, it's late, I feel drained and emotionally exhausted, and I do not feel I at the moment could convey it as properly as the excerpts themselves do. He doesn't mind me knowing of his problems because he has no fears about me backstabbing him/using his weaknesses against him.

From messenger conversation:
(word for word, unedited excerpts except for changing the message format to something that takes up less space)

[...]
me: "So, there's this forum you should go to, there are lots of people who give good advice there! :-D I stumbled across it yesterday and it seems really good :-D"
friend: "bah"
me: "what do you mean, bah? :-p"
me: "Both of us know since long that you have a tendency to smear down things that have nothing to do with x, with x"
friend: "But x is disgusting!"
me: "exactly: why the heck do you keep wanting to drag it into everything?"
friend: because it's disgusting, have to avoid it.
me: "why do you have to avoid it? It's easy to not let it dirty you, just let it bounce off"
friend: "no"
me: "you choose to get 'dirtified', and then you roll around in it."
[he changes topic]
[he once again mentions that he doesn't like looking bad in front of other people, I ask why he keeps comparing himself with others]
me: "Could you please ask for help and advice at the forums?"
me: "including for your tendency to dirty things with stuff that they have nothing to do with."
friend: "no, I'm not going to ask people for advice when it's none of their business"
me: "but you won't be looked at any differently"
friend: "no. it's bad to ask for advice"
[...]
me: "So, why is it bad to ask people for advice? Especially when they can't harm you or do anything to your life thanks to being relatively anonymous."
friend: "It would be to admit a weakness in public, it doesn't matter if the others wouldn't know, I would know"
me: "but you already know you have those problems, how would it be any different, apart from the help?"
['bah's etc]
me: "would you accept help if you didn't have to ask for it?"
friend: "ehhm, thing is that I'd probably just deny ever having had any kind of problem, if someone just popped up and offered help"
[...]
friend: "they will think that I can't do it on my own, if I have to get help with it"
[him feeling that needing help/advice is the same as being completely unable to do it oneself, and thus automatically being inferior/bad]
[...]

Another problem is that thanks to that I sent him some links to Steve Pavlina's blog a year ago, when he was doing very badly emotionally (because I hoped it would help) he now detests anything that has to do with him thanks to associating negative feelings with him. My friend has many very huge problems, including that he tends to react to things he has negative connotations to in an extremely phobic manner (the e.g. homophobic kind of phobic manner: disgust, anger, possible violence if cornered). Which includes the url to this forum. Which is why I'm not worried about posting this.

He has a very destructive way of looking at certain things, and it's terribly frustrating when those behaviors surface. I feel that the best thing would be to get him to seek help himself, but he hates feeling worthless/inferior (which he constantly does thanks to himself feeling he has to uphold certain standards, especially as he feels that if not and if he lets on that he isn't, then everyone will take advantages of those weaknesses against him)...

Advice, please. How can I get him closer to being able to ask for help? How can I help him to learn that everyone else in the world is not out to exploit his weaknesses against him like that. (He had a ridiculously bad childhood, his parents kept backstabbing him through exploiting his weaknesses against him, and constantly stating that everyone else would too, unless he played along with their games and helped them uphold the facade of perfection when it came to their family..)

[Will Edwards]

Your friend has to first come to the place where he recognises he needs help, assuming that is indeed the case. At present, he does not seem to be ready for any kind of intervention.

The best thing you can do, at the moment, is to provide an empathic ear. Don't get drawn in to trying to solve the problem; just listen and really try hard to understand it from his perspective. You will be amazed what that will do for him!

[John Hill]

Perhaps you could ask your friend what activities he does like and the two of you could go and do some of those things together. Let him decide what he would like to do. If he is ok with it maybe you can even invite one or two of your other friends along, but pre-warn them first to stay as positive as possible and not to react to his negativity, and show him a good time. Don't talk about him needing help or anything to do with personal development.

Keep it lighthearted, try and stick to topics that make everyone feel happy and relaxed and let him see life is ok. It might seem like a lot of hard work but you sound like you have been a good friend to him and let him know that you care about him and that although his family might be tough on him, not everyone is like that. There are people who would like to help him if he gives them a chance. Even emotionally strong people need help and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

John

[Kaitn]

Originally Posted by Will Edwards

The best thing you can do, at the moment, is to provide an empathic ear. Don't get drawn in to trying to solve the problem; just listen and really try hard to understand it from his perspective. You will be amazed what that will do for him!

I've been doing that for five years now. It has indeed been of help to him, but he's been imprinted with the notion that showing weakness will lead to immediate doom, far too efficiently. Merely listening will not fix that.

Originally Posted by John Hill

If he is ok with it maybe you can even invite one or two of your other friends along, but pre-warn them first to stay as positive as possible and not to react to his negativity, and show him a good time.

That sounds like a very good idea, I've been trying to get him to go to a board game club, and he's enjoyed the time he's spent there, sadly lately thanks to all of his problems resulting in too little funding for his studies he no longer can afford to go there as often, if at all. Also, most of my friends are people he used to know, but (due to his behavior five-four years ago) want to have nothing to do with him... (Back then, his extreme dislike of showing the slightest bit of weakness lead to him constantly spewing lies in an unrealistical attempt to cover them all up, some lies terribly obvious, others not so..) So that makes it a bit of a problem to find people who have the time but that don't have a lot of seriously negative associations...

Originally Posted by John Hill

and that although his family might be tough on him, not everyone is like that. There are people who would like to help him if he gives them a chance. Even emotionally strong people need help and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

I know this very well, I just don't know how to make him realize this. Because I've told him this repeatedly in the past, but he just brushes it aside. He's terribly scared, deep inside. He's said that the only time he isn't the slightest bit scared is when he's violently angry.

[Kaitn]

Thank you for the replies so far, by the way. I'm sort of overwhelmed with having to deal with my own problems, another friend's, and his on top of everything. His deteriorating health doesn't help, either. Thanks to some genetical diseases he might not live to see 30. Especially if he doesn't take care of himself, mentally and physically.l It makes me worried he'll do something stupid and get himself injured or killed some day if he's wound up getting depressed and foolishly drunk (he had been drinking too much lately, even though we keep telling not to, but now hasn't been drinking for some while), which is why I feel certain problems of his need to actually start getting processed soon. I somehow need to find how to get him to realize that things aren't that bad, and to accept help from others, mainly/especially people who are qualified for dealing with such things. As it is, I'm pretty much his best friend, which is somewhat emotionally heavy, as he tells very few other people as much as what he tells me.