Dear Steve and everyone else

[KevinJay]

I wrote this before seeing that I couldn't email Steve directly with personal help questions. So I posted it here in hopes of others maybe giving me some advice. Many thanks in advance! -Kevin


Dear Steve,

First of all I just wanted to say thank you for such a wonderful free gift you have given to many people, your personal development blog and website. It amazes me the wealth of knowledge that you have and are willing to share with everyone!

I just wanted to email you because I have a problem. I know I should be talking to someone I know about this but to some degree I am embarrassed to tell anyone. I don't know if it's a pride thing or what but if someone were to know I would feel so small. I'm 20 years old still living with my parents. I dropped out of high school and am not working. Basically I'm just mooching off my parents and am not doing anything productive. For some reason I have no drive to get out of the house and finish/start school or find a job. I know I have to but every morning I get up and find a reason why I don't need to or better yet I will just block it out.

I have a girlfriend who is working and in the beginning it made me incredible jealous and it almost made me get up off my butt and get a job. But, even that didn't work in the end.

I think I may know why I am this way. Whenever I go out in public I get really shy. I keep to myself and I get nervous. However, when I'm out with friends or my girlfriend or anyone I know, that falls away and I'm completely comfortable. I think that is the reason why I won't go to school and finish up or walk down the street to find work. I also think it's more than just shyness. I have no drive. No motivation. But shouldn't I? I really want to move out of my parents house. I want to buy myself all kinds of expensive toys. I want to travel. Yet, I sit here not doing anything productive. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up and maybe that's making just stop here. I don't know.

I'm sorry for this long email and I'm sure you get thousands of these each day. I'm not asking you to totally turn my life around or provide a miracle. I just ask for a bit of advice and a point in the right direction. Do I need to work on something? I know my problems but I still can't do anything about it. Maybe there is another problem I am not seeing? Anyway thanks Steve, if you read this far I'm very grateful for it! I'm also very grateful for all the great things you do, not only for yourself but for many others! Please take care.

Kevin

[RT Wolf]

I spent some time exactly where you are. I figured out that I was basically living within the context of need, not of excitement or purpose. You can read more about it here:

Why does purpose matter?

Since my overall life context was one fo survival/need, and my needs were already being met at home, why the hell would I wanna go anywhere else? Thus, zero motivation like you're saying.

The way I got around that, though, is to find goals that really interest me and challenge me and totally ignore survival-based thinking. I also basically sidestepped finding a purpose (and I can figure it out whenever later), and just go with goals that are interesting and challenging. Big, hair audacious goals as Steve says. You may have to give yourself permission to really want something and desire something and allow it to pull you out of your comfort zone, even though wanting something and not having it can be uncomfortable. Look up his "Cultivating Burning Desire" article. You can also spend more time reading about those things you're interested in, watching movies/shows about 'em to stoke your desire. Like, you wanna travel, go check out some travel guides, youtube travel videos of places you wanna go to, etc.

BTW, these goals that you choose can be small ones and ones that don't seem to matter much. For example, read three books this week, or five or whatever would be a stretch for, a bit of a challenge. Just set goals, any goals right now. you can figure out what you really want later, just start setting goals and get used to that.

Also, recognize that unless you do something now, you may well be stuck like this for the rest of your life. It'll always be upto you. Nobody's gonna come in and fix your life, not Steve, not nobody. You're on your own in many ways. Good luck.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by KevinJay

I don't know what I want to do when I grow up and maybe that's making just stop here. I don't know.

you already are grown up and doing what you want to do. you can't wait for some future time when you think you will be grown up more so to get into life.

I'm sorry for this long email and I'm sure you get thousands of these each day.

no need to be sorry. however, yes you seem to have a way of wanting to get people to help you. how many other forums have you posted this same thing?

I'm not asking you to totally turn my life around or provide a miracle.

no one can do it for you, don't you know... no one can turn your life around for you because it's your life.

I just ask for a bit of advice and a point in the right direction. Do I need to work on something?

see if you can imagine this question coming from some one else. what would you say to them?

I know my problems but I still can't do anything about it. Maybe there is another problem I am not seeing?

the problem is insisting you have a problem with what you are deciding to do with your life. you are basically deciding to do what you do and then complaining that it's not what you want to do. take responsibility for what your life is right now as what you have created and decided so far. if you didn't have all this need to figure out what's wrong, maybe you'd just start going about your day more productively and motivated. There's a difference in focusing on things to complain about (including self created apathy and wanting other to fix you) and focusing on what can be next in your life. The only way to focus on what is next in your life is to surrender to what your life is right now and not get stuck analyzing and applying "fixes". imho. I doubt I helped at all. I may have even enabled your pattern in wanting to have others fix you.

life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by KevinJay

I'm 20 years old still living with my parents.

I don't see why this is relevant. Unless your parents are somehow preventing you from doing what you want, and you like being around each other, why is this a problem?