Flaws in my goal to stop fighting myself

[The Cloud]

This is the greatest limiting factor in my life right now. I have all sorts of things that I would love to do, but none of it is appetizing because no matter what I accomplish I still have to fight myself to do it. The strongest force working against me isn't inexperience or lack of natural talent, or even competition. The strongest force working against me is the internal struggle that I have to participate in every time I try to do something useful for myself. Until I overcome this, every victory that I have is going to be flavorless and insubstantial because I know that I'm just going to have to fight the exact same fight next time, as if I've accomplished nothing at all. No matter what struggles I had to go through to win it was the internal struggle that was the greatest and most defining aspect of the battle, and I'm tired of fighting the same battle over and over again.

So my goal is to overcome this struggle, because no matter what I do I'm going to be struggling with it. No other goal is important to me until this goal has been realized. No other goal can be more important, since every goal leads to this one.

Is there anyone that can tell me what false assumptions I am making in setting this goal? Obviously, since I'm setting this goal rather than achieving it, I am doing something wrong, or something is out of place. Does anybody have any suggestions as to what my flaws may be in this regard? Or any other regard, for that matter, but let's try to remain focused.

You may not believe me, but I prefer criticism of the harsher variety, and don't like wimpy "in my opinion"s or "I'm not saying this is a bad thing"isms. Just try not to breach into being caustic, and if I respond badly remind me that I asked for it. And try to be scathingly witty when you do .

[CroMagna]

You may be making the false assumption that nothing is worth fighting for.

Your flaws may be:

lack of passion - wouldn't passion propel you forward?

lack of seeing the end result - sometimes people are reluctant to start if they don't know what the end result will look like

laziness - if you agree, then we have to figure out the psychological cause of your laziness

lack of purpose - if you don't see the point of it then why force yourself?

[lifetimelearner]

I may be in a sugar fog right now
but I am confused about what it is you struggle with -

is it all your goals ?
or goals with a particular context ?
career goals ?
fitness goals ?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

lack of passion - wouldn't passion propel you forward?

Yes, but the stronger the passion, the stronger I have to fight myself to remain impassioned. I've tried, and I can consistently push for about three days until I just lose the will to fight myself for it anymore. Greater passion just seems to elicit greater resistance.

Originally Posted by CroMagna

lack of seeing the end result - sometimes people are reluctant to start if they don't know what the end result will look like

I knew what the end result of college was going to be, but that didn't make it any better.

Originally Posted by CroMagna

laziness - if you agree, then we have to figure out the psychological cause of your laziness

I don't think I'm lazy. I can work hard, I enjoy working hard, I am just tired of confounding my own efforts.

Originally Posted by CroMagna

lack of purpose - if you don't see the point of it then why force yourself?

Why force myself even if there is a purpose? I might achieve something, but does it matter if I hate it for forcing me to achieve it against myself? What's the fun in fighting this battle that never ends, no matter what why I assign to it?

Imagine if for every end result you wanted to achieve, you had to go through the exact same tedious arduous process, the only variation being length. That is what it's like. Everything I do, it's the same process of fighting myself, the same boring difficult struggle. Nothing I try to accomplish is new or exciting, because it's always the same boring old problem that ends up being the main component of achieving it.

I don't think I'm the only person that has this difficulty, but I don't understand how people can just ignore it. This can't be the best way. I can't imagine that something as natural as action has to feel this unnaturally difficult.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

I may be in a sugar fog right now
but I am confused about what it is you struggle with -

is it all your goals ?
or goals with a particular context ?
career goals ?
fitness goals ?

Basically anything that could be construed as self-benefiting. I can sometimes trick myself into doing things for other people until I realize that I might be getting something out of it beyond the joy of doing something I'm good at. Pretty much any learning experience where I could actually develop myself triggers ongoing internal resistance. It's not just fear of failing or trying something new, because it keeps going no matter how long I keep the activity up.

[cinnabar]

This sounds more like a fear of success. Is the inner resistance saying that the struggle is just not worth it? that you... are not worth it?

[Matt Willard]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Yes, but the stronger the passion, the stronger I have to fight myself to remain impassioned. I've tried, and I can consistently push for about three days until I just lose the will to fight myself for it anymore. Greater passion just seems to elicit greater resistance.

Passion gets you started. Discipline keeps you going.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by cinnabar

This sounds more like a fear of success. Is the inner resistance saying that the struggle is just not worth it? that you... are not worth it?

That's right, in part. The fight always seems to be between what's important to me, and a voice telling me that it's all f*#king worthless and there's no point to anything that I want. So the entire time that I'm striving for what I want, I have to fight to want it against this part of me that wants it to be worthless. I'm tired of fighting just to feel desire. By the end, I've lost the desire and have just been going on sheer will-power, so the win doesn't have any value to me anymore. I want to both want something and get it at the same time, but anything worthwhile takes so much energy that I can either fight to want it or fight to have it, but not fight for both.

Originally Posted by Matt Willard

Passion gets you started. Discipline keeps you going.

I tried the whole discipline thing with good results, but if that's the only way to keep going then I'd rather not.

[dice]

buddy ooooh i have the same fight happening. I just cant decide and I overanalyse.

I decided to act dumb and just not think at ALL when I do something and analyze wether its 'worth my time' after i'm done.

I've skimmed a lot of time management books which has made me sometimes worry a LOT about 'is this the best use of my time whats the best use' and i do that for 9 hours every day before i give up and eat some dinner.

let me know how it goes.

[nick pagan]

I faced exactly the same struggle for decades. I finally figured it out.

The basic theory is that negative emotions are created by having desires that go unfulfilled. Attempting to overcome those negative emotions and the pain that they cause will never end until you either fulfill your desire, or choose to abandon it, because it is not practically possible of fulfill.

We have many desires that are impossible to fulfill at the time of wanting them and this generates negative emotion and the struggle you talk of. When you are aware of your desires and manage them effectively then the struggle disappears.

On my blog there is a free ebook that you can get called 'Understand How to Operate Your Brain Perfectly' the sub title is "Understanding Internal Mental Struggle and Negative Emotions and How to Counteract Them"

You get it by subscribing to my newsletter (you can always unsubscribe afterwards). A lot people have found it very useful.

You can get it at www.Nick Pagan.com

[Fascinating]

Fascinating post.

0. I'd suggest getting curious about the way you are framing your experience. Is there a more helpful frame to incant over and over?

1. Could you improve your metaphor? Your dominate frame/metaphor for this experience appears to a be a exhausting battle, struggle, conflict. This frame by definition dooms you to consequences of that metaphor, enemies, victory, failure, loss, pain, conflict, tragedy, etc. Given that metaphor, your feelings make perfect sense. War is hell, you seem to be learning that very well.

You are obviously able see it through that lens of a struggle and that's a an interesting way to look at. It will teach you many things but may not be your best choice in terms of generating happiness and fulfillment.

I wonder what would happen if you considered a more empowering metaphor...instead of a battle, it could be gentle dance, a challenging game, rewarding practice. With a more empowering framing metaphors, you'll find better results. Metaphors I find helpful in various situations are.. Life is like a university, garden, river, dance, wrestling match, parade. The implications of changing metaphors can be vast and your entire perception shifts to squeeze into your new way of looking at it.

2. Create your epic quest - You can go one step further and create an epic quest out of your situation where you are the hero and then determine how that story will play out and where in that story you are now. Joseph Cambell's Hero's Journey stuff can be very helpful. Some helpful, empowering quest archtypes you can adopt are The Quest (think Luke Skywalker), Stranger in a Strange Land (Think Planet of the Apes), Rags to Riches (think Steve Pavlina, Anthony Robbins and most self-help guys).

3. Consider the universe may be working perfectly from the tiniest quark to the grandest galaxies. It's interesting that despite all that perfection, part of you keeps telling the rest of you that something is wrong with both the situation and 'yourself'. Try starting from the premise that the universe is working perfectly, it can't not. You're part of that. There are no problems, just people thinking troubled thoughts.

4. Play with the NLPers tool of Parts Integration - What is this part of you trying to teach you? What is its positive intent for you? How is it trying to help you? What does this part need to learn. Helpful tool, lots of info online.

5. How will you know when this is no longer a problem?

6. Be grateful - you're in great shape, you've got your attention on improvement, are surrounded by helpful people and diligently growing. There is nothing wrong, it's just what some learning feels like. Get the message, pass the quiz and grow into the next game.

If you want the harsh version it is this...
You're only problem is the story you keep telling yourself.
Change the story and you'll change your experience.
If you insist on clinging to the 'exhausting war, something is wrong, I'm flawed story' you will continue to struggle predictably.
Then when you deeply get that, you can realize even that wasn't a problem, but a very valuable lesson from a perfectly functioning universe and your evolution is right on cue.

Your frame is everything.
You control the frame.
You are right where you are supposed to be.


Hope this helps!

[CroMagna]

What is wrong with fighting for your life? Is that not the glorious struggle that is survival of the fittest?

[openyourize]

has anyone ever told you that you arent livivng up to your potential or you should be doing better or trying harder? or maybe even when you did make accomplishments in your life, no one really noticed?

theres a fear of success and fear of failure, and also a fear of not meeting expectations.

[openyourize]

but also, it sounds like your struggle is actually that the process to accomplishing things is difficult and you want it to be easy. It won't ever be easy. BUT you can make the end result more "flavorful".

if you continually see the process as a struggle against yourself, your end result will seem like you finished the race but came in last place. its hard to really feel a sense of accomplishment when you go about it like that.

perhaps all you need is a change of perspective. instead of fighting the struggle, accept the struggle. (You are going to have to at some point anyway because the physical process of accomplishing stuff is difficult. It just is.)

maybe try setting a goal, even a small one if need be, and rewarding yourself for accomplishing it. When I accomplish something at work, i go home and celebrate by going out with my friends for drinks. just do something you like doing.

[cinnabar]

I'm not the OP, but damn, Fascinating, you nailed it for me. I had forgotten about the power of perspective.... and now feel rejuvenated! I hope The Cloud feels as inspired by your post as I do. Thanks!