My Problems

[dice]

until now my little 'successful me' binder has been a primarily private endeavor. i track my successes and progresses, goals and setbacks in it. It's not working out for me.

SO I am going public, and each week whatever I'm not satisfied with or the problems/obstacles i'm facing will go right here for everyone to scrutinize. okay lets begin:

1. I don't feel I have enough outside support or pressure. I have family members and friends who kind of passively cheer for me if I tell them what i'm doing, or they will sympathize too much with my misbehaving or lack of discipline (instead of whooping my booty, which is what i often need) - it's not enough.

I;d like to believe that I'm self-sufficient, but the hard truth that i've realized recently is that i actually really, really NEED supervision to begin with. Eventually it's my goal to not need that, to even be the supervisor myself. But I'm quite distant from that ATM.

2. I need a serious, physically present role model, someone who I can actually admire and feel constantly inspired by. For now I'm settling with looking to public/historic figures and their biographies for that inspiration (Jerry Seinfeld atm.). It works but is really inconsistent and sometimes not real enough.

3. I would like some looove in my life, someone to cuddle and warm up to and look after. A boyfriend would be nice - but I fear potential awkwardness, because i've never really been in that kind of relationship before. I also seem to be very very very picky about who I allow close to me. Generally I'm outgoing and carefree, but I hide my actual self alot and I wish I could be more open and approachable.

4. I need to laugh a LOT more. I've worked this out by buying some good old sitcoms, willandgrace, seinfeld. and watching them before I go to bed or when i'm taking one of my too-frequent breaks. I've also vowed to go to a live show every week, at the comic club.

5. Devoting more time to things I honestly am passionate about. I've been wanting to write stories and paint and entertain and just be a very well rounded artist (in every respect, visually, audible, physically) for my entire life. I bought some canvases which have been unable to resist my paintbrush after I laid them on my floor so I'd have to step over them to get to my bed. Good so far. But I haven't started writing yet...
6. Goals! I need to set some time based goals and acheive something solid and definite. I gave up on goal setting becuase I disappointed myself too much. Decided it was easier to just let things happen to me when they want to happen and as I think about them. Go with a slightly intentional 'flow' making informed descions on a whim instead of planning out.

WEnt for "opportunist' route. But I'm not seeing any concrete results yet, which bothers me sometimes.

Thats all i can think of for now. thanks for hearing me out though!

[funchy]

Hi Dice!

I like your project.

Originally Posted by dice

SO I am going public, and each week whatever I'm not satisfied with or the problems/obstacles i'm facing will go right here for everyone to scrutinize....1. I don't feel I have enough outside support or pressure. ....instead of whooping my booty, which is what i often need) - it's not enough.

Well if you want you butt-kicked here goes:

it is not your friend or family's job to motivate you, reward you, or chastise you. Stop looking to other people for approval. And if you stop expecting this of others, your relationships with them should improve since you're not longer feeling disappointed with these failed expectations.

Here are some thoughts:

Do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.

Take care of yourself because nobody else can.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

3. I would like some looove in my life, someone to cuddle and warm up to and look after.

That's an easy goal. What is stopping you? Is it a problem in meeting people? Or do you avoid relationships and intimacy?

4. I need to laugh a LOT more. I've worked this out by buying some good old sitcoms, willandgrace, seinfeld. and watching them before I go to bed or when i'm taking one of my too-frequent breaks. I've also vowed to go to a live show every week, at the comic club.

Question: why are you relying on passive entertainment (eg. TV) to tell you jokes in order to laugh? Are you having a hard time finding happy, funny things in your daily life? Do you have a fun friend you can spend a day with? Or perhaps you could go do something silly or juvenile for a few hours?

[dice]

I truely appreciate the arse whoop. I have never had the privledge of being straight up put to shame by anyone but myself. Honestly. Thank you. I have been allowed to make excuses and comprimises far too much in my short life.

[dice]

My aversion to intimacy is something I haven't figured out yet. I know some basic reasons why people avoid intimacy (fear of rejection, inadequacy, abandonment, making wrong choices) but knowing why I fear something hasn't helped me overcome it. I befriend people fairly easily but seem to tighten up whenever someone affects me too deeply..
maybe i have a sensitive ego

[dice]

Progress on project "Laugh More":
I was laughing at my psychology textboook today, and two things that happened at work: coworker sneezed so hard his headset flew off, and a woman drove up with a baby sobbing in the back and told her other toddle "its not nice to laugh when babies are crying". Good times no longer just happen in sitcoms for me.

Another major, major problem is this:

5. I feel like i'm not approachable, at all, and that people are unnessecarily intimidated or think i'm cold and angry. I like to blame this on my genes, my cheekbones that would normally make me look smiley and approachable are absent and kind of sunken (i get it from my pa, who resembles a balding kevin spacey in a mid-life crisis). But thats a fairly lame fated excuse - I could just smile more right? I've tried talking casually to show people that yes, I am safe to talk to, I am human, I don't bite. And I am extremely cheerful when you get to know me - but the first impression people say i give off is 'angsty' and even sad or worried. I wish I could project something else...

Grow a beard? Sadly i have no testosterone. No Y chromosome.