Once Mess of a Life

[Monique7nuns]

So here I am. I'm going to turn 38 in a little over a week. I've taken risks by following what I thought was my instincts.. the biggest were to move to parts unknown with pretty much everything I own packed up.

After high school I went to college and spent 6 years getting a bachelor's degree. Half that time I was trying to figure out what I wanted to major in and settled in art because they were the only classes I kept going to. After that I was accepted in to a grad program where I was pretty focused.. it took me less than three years to complete. Those were some of the happiest times of my life. I haven't felt as fulfilled doing anything else since.

After I graduated I decided to teach and had a job lined out, but due to budget cuts the job was no longer available. The next option was to try and make a living as an artist. I thought WA would be a nice place so I found a great little house in a really bad part of Tacoma. I looked for jobs like crazy and ended up going broke within a month or so. I found a few jobs but by the time I found one that would work, it was too little too late.

I ended up living in my truck and liberating over half of what I owned. I headed east to MT, thinking I could get involved w/the ceramics community in Helena. The first day there I found a place to live and a good paying permanent job w/in a few weeks or so. I felt that was were I needed to be since things were falling into place. I went out to the ceramics studio (what I have my degrees in) and never went back. I don't know why I wasn't able to get into it.. the spirit just didn't move me.

I ended up in call center hell (aka - the good paying job) Well, it wasn't hell to begin with, but it wasn't long before I realized that's what it was and had a nervous breakdown.

From there I tried to recoup by seeing a therapist, but I couldn't make myself go back. It was also around this time I started getting sick w/digestive problems.

I was unemployed for about a year thinking I needed to get really healthy. I tried different fasts, vegetarianism, veganism.. I taught myself how to build websites and wrote a book. The website thing seems like the way to go so I went back to school in WA.

School was wonderful but again jobs were scarce and after about 4 months I was really sick and broke. I liberated my stuff once more and headed for the parents house.

There I declared bankruptcy, found another call center job and ended up in the hospital. My digestive 'issues' were diagnosed as Crohn's disease shortly after the diag-nonsense I lived through about 3 solid months of hell. That was enough for me to make the decision to heal myself.

During the course of my illness, before ending up in the hospital I lost 50 lbs without even trying. Once I learned how to heal myself via a much better Nourishing Traditions inspired diet and more active lifestyle I lost another 50 or so.

I moved out of the parents how and settled into my own place. I was feeling so much better I even started dating; something I never did much of and that didn't turn out so great (another story/learning experience). During that time at the parents I also started a freelance web design business that I still have today, but isn't exactly thriving.

Call center hell repeated itself and I was fired after 3 years. Before I left and after many sick dayt my health improvements hit a brick wall and I began to stagnate (I still am). I felt I needed to once again focus and get it under some better control.. I've learned more but little of what I've done has made any marked progress.

I also though I should once again go back to school and get into interactive media - web and graphic design. Thanks to unemployment benifets and cashing in a 401k I was able to get by.. but the job issue once again became a problem.. only this time it was in CO.

My illness has cast a shadow over much of my life. Whether I'm taking the actions need to heal or doing nothing it stresses me out. I feel like both work and relationships have directly suffered from my illness. Sometimes it depresses me so much I don't feel like doing anything.. which also stresses me out. It's a viscious cycle.

So here I am, back at the parents house. I was flat broke when I got here and have done little else besides obsess over how to get healthy. Well, I have also gotten out to take pictures with a cheap little point and shoot camera. They live out in the country and it is really beautiful. I started taking pics the when I was here a few years ago and picked it and hiking back up this time.

Thanks to Bush's emergency encomic stimulus efforts, I have a little money in the bank now. I also owe a lot of places, have horrible credit and have had only one job (even though I've applied for hundreds) since the last call center hell.

So now after that very long diatribe here I sit wondering what to do. I'm sorta back at rock bottom again.. although this time I do have a little money to work with.. thankfully. To date.. I still have digestive problems that rule my reality, I have a mountain of debt courtsey of those two degrees and I haven't made a single payment towards, I am relationship/socially challenged and for the most part feel like I have been disconnected for many years.

Right now the options I'm weighing are 1)stay here, get a camera and a new pc (mine is a 2000 model that causes much stress in my life) and do what could be love.. take pics and see where it leads.. I'd also keep at the health issues (a given for all the options) and possibly/probably find another job in town.. until I can move out and afford a place of my own in CO where I'd get back into art and teach and socialize again *This is the main goal

2)move to where I used to live, get settled in my own place, find an admin/recpt job and proceed to try and get healthy and save to move back to CO where I might be able to get back into art and start teaching.. etc

3)forget getting the camera, computer, settling in this state, getting caught up on bills or being able to afford it and just go directly to CO.. where the money would go the quickest.. this is the biggest risk

btw I've choose option #3 in the past (per my history).. more times than not it wasn't the right move

Any and all advice is welcome. Btw, I do have Steve's book and am reading it.. just in case that is one of the suggestions. I've also thought if/when I ever get it together my story would/could be an excellent model for others who want to get their lives together... I'm at less than zero as it is.

[Jenny]

Hi Monique,
Have you tried/considered tradition medicine regarding your digestive ailments? If so, did you receive a diagnosis?

Could you be creative and somehow combine your first and second options to help you start on a path towards what you desire? Start building success and such. So, perhaps you get a camera start taking photos but do it in a place that you might not find such obvious beauty but where you can grow your photography skills and have a job. Use that job and the time to build your skills and your bank account so that once your skills have grown you have the money to follow your art until it starts generating its own income.

I understand on the debt and would happily offer you some hard won advice if you'd like. Let me know.

Good luck!

[Monique7nuns]

Originally Posted by Jenny

Hi Monique,
Have you tried/considered tradition medicine regarding your digestive ailments? If so, did you receive a diagnosis?

Could you be creative and somehow combine your first and second options to help you start on a path towards what you desire? Start building success and such. So, perhaps you get a camera start taking photos but do it in a place that you might not find such obvious beauty but where you can grow your photography skills and have a job. Use that job and the time to build your skills and your bank account so that once your skills have grown you have the money to follow your art until it starts generating its own income.

I understand on the debt and would happily offer you some hard won advice if you'd like. Let me know.

Good luck!

Hi Jenny.. thanks for the advice!

Regarding traditional medicine:

There I declared bankruptcy, found another call center job and ended up in the hospital. My digestive 'issues' were diagnosed as Crohn's disease shortly after the diag-nonsense I lived through about 3 solid months of hell. That was enough for me to make the decision to heal myself.

When I decided to stop seeing my Dr. I was beginning to improve just from changing my diet. He couldn't bring himself to even acknowledge the possibility and wanted me to start taking Remicade - which cost thousands. My insurance was going to pick it up, but there's no way I wanted to be addicted to something like that. The steriod Prednisone was bad enough. It was a good decision to part ways w/traditional medicine since the job that provided the insurance didn't last and there are a lot of horror stories about Remicade.

As far as photo subjects go, the scope is pretty wide open and I'd prefer to shoot nature. It makes me happy and helps me connect to something a little deeper than the me I live with on the surface. Which is why I'm inclined to think incorporating the whole happiness factor into my healing process is crucial.

With finances.. yeah I don't know. Even though I know I am responsible for it and want to keep up my end of the deal, it's not my main concern.. I'm not worried about it per se. Getting a steady stream of income is the first priority, then I'd like to get the smaller amounts I owe on an automatic debt reduction plan. The larger school loan.. I really don't know. But I read lately that some have fled the country to get out from under collectors. Thankfully I'm not to that point, but nice to know it's an option.. haha (I'm sorta being sarcastic when I say this)

[Monique7nuns]

I said quite a lot putting one version of my messed up life story up. Thanks to any/everyone who's taken the time to read it.

I know people have their "paths" to figure out in life. It's one of the primary purpose of life I think. Some, like myself, are just a little more challenged in this area than a majority of the people I think. And there's nothing wrong with it, that's just the way it is.

In my case, to date and like so many others I have for the most part been trying to do this by myself. I haven't had a ground or another person to connect with.. ok that's not entirely true, I greatly respect and love my mother and she tries to help. However, she isn't exactly the greatest role model when it comes to personal development. Mental illness among other things has rocked her life. The father figure, well he tries too, but he is so wrapped up in his own drama/life that.. and my brother is the same. I'm not going to complain, because I greatly appreciate and love my family. I'll just leave it that my family is unable to provide the emotional support I feel I need to make significant, positive changes.

At this point, I feel as though I have little to loose. I thought in sharing what I have so far that maybe one person would hear a call and be compelled to help. Help in the form of providing support and encouragement. Someone who possesses the knowledge and wisdom to guide and keep me on track.

Perhaps in sending this intention out in the universe, I'm hoping such a person will come into my life somehow... I know it's ultimately up to me and who wouldn't like a grounding figure like this in their lives?

If you're out there, please let me know. Words will never be able to fully express how much I'd appreciate your assistance.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Monique7nuns

...my family is unable to provide the emotional support I feel I need to make significant, positive changes.

Monique7nuns, what's holding you back lives so vibrantly and powerfully in the above sentence that I am moved to point it out to you.

What I hear you saying here, and what you've said in various ways in other threads is that living a life you love is at the effect of external circumstance. Your happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment is completely subject to the thoughts, words, and actions of others! You've been practicing operating with that perspective for a long, long time, and it appears to you that it's The Truth, right?

Well, maybe it's the truth, and maybe it's just thought that you chronically think. Either way, it's pretty disempowering, isn't it? It sentences you to living a life you can only love if such and such conditions are met.

You might want to consider taking on a new perspective: there is one person who possesses the knowledge and wisdom to guide you and keep you on track, if you're willing to listen to her generously. She is available to you at all time, if you want her, and you can trust her more than anyone else to sense what's right for you and to make your best decisions. Me! No, just kidding, of course you know who I'm talking about.

Try on 100% responsibility and see how it works in your life. Look boldly at who you are being that your life is occurring for you the way it does. See what you could let go of that's not working so well, and see what you're willing to take on that would make a positive difference.

You have all the power in the world to generate a life you're madly in love with, and you can get started in an instant.

[Monique7nuns]

So Angela you're saying no one or thing is going to "save" me, I have to do it myself eh?

lol

My first thought to that is 'yeah, yeah, yeah' with a semi-dismissive air of denial. No big lottery win, no prince charming or sugar daddy, no amazing opportunity or wise sage is going to manifest with proclamations of having or being the answer for all of my woes. It's up to me, I'm on my own - be responsible... grow up.

Now when it comes to being immature I have a fantastic role model and every time I see him demonstrate complete irresponsibility in any area of his life it irritates me to no end. It's because I possesses the exact same quality.

ugh.. the prospect of 100% responsibility sounds daunting.. but yes, I hear what you're saying and even though I don't exactly like it, I am be contemplating it.

It's good advice.. thanks Angela!

[moonrambler]

Here is what I pulled out of your postings:

photography
web & graphic design
ceramics & art

You have to stay out of call center hell, and you sure don't sound thrilled about working as administration/receptionist.

You said you have a freelance web design business. You didn't tell any details, but obviously people are making money doing this. It sounds like you have enough experience to get work you could do at the house, where you wouldn't have to go sit in a cubicle.

You have a lot of knowledge that adds precision to your credentials. You know a lot about art & ceramics, about nutrition and health, about Crohn's disease, about web design and graphics, and about photography. Have you tried any freelance sites such as elance.com? There is a lot of work there, even just for coding. Have you looked around online for freelance opportunities like that?

[sbdiane]

Monique, much of what you write sounds similar to much of my life.

What eventually began the healing process for me was attending a 12 step program for people who love alcoholics. The alcholism thing did not matter so much as the fact of living in that kind of environment where people do not behave normally. It could be alcoholism, drug addition, mental illness, whatever. The thing that helped was rather than expecting me to pour my heart out to someone I did not trust -- a therapist scribbling secret notes about me as I talked -- I had the chance to tell my story and recieve no advice or judgment at all. I went to those meetings every day, sometimes twice a day, for a whole year. It helped immensely. My life didn't magically become solved, but I became stronger and was able to start forging the way to a more peaceful, calm and mentally healthy and financially settled life.

I suggest you never ever take another call center job. Those jobs sound like they will kill you. You are a smart person who can educate others and you have technical skills. You could take your skills and work in Marketing, in eLearning or support in a software or other kind of company. You just need to network a little to find the person who can help you get in, or find an internship. A good way to network is to take all your interests: hiking, photography, pottery, etc and join things in the community. Then talk to people and make friends. Maybe one of them can help you get a job. Recently I got a job working in a science-related field because I met someone at an organic vegetable garden where I decided to volunteer.

The hardest thing I have had to learn, it seems, is that my life has not been following a logical path. My sister got a job right out of high school, still works in that same field, got married, had kids, bought a house and cars and all that normal stuff. I have always felt less-than because I couldn't get my act together to be normal. I will never be normal like that. In fact, I became pretty close to normal for a decade and it was boring! I recently threw most of that normal stuff away again. It's just not me. It has been interesting to learn this. For me success is different. It is a more difficult path to follow and I am struggling still. But I feel calmer about it because I know it is right for me now. I could not have gotten to calm without the 12 step program, without being normal for a while, without going for a very very long hike, and without reading some things that validated some of what I had thought, some of which were written by Steve and some of which were written by others.

Sorry that was so long. I hope there was a shred of helpfulness somewhere in there.

[Monique7nuns]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

Here is what I pulled out of your postings:

photography
web & graphic design
ceramics & art

You have to stay out of call center hell, and you sure don't sound thrilled about working as administration/receptionist.

You said you have a freelance web design business. You didn't tell any details, but obviously people are making money doing this. It sounds like you have enough experience to get work you could do at the house, where you wouldn't have to go sit in a cubicle.

You have a lot of knowledge that adds precision to your credentials. You know a lot about art & ceramics, about nutrition and health, about Crohn's disease, about web design and graphics, and about photography. Have you tried any freelance sites such as elance.com? There is a lot of work there, even just for coding. Have you looked around online for freelance opportunities like that?

The freelance design has been a "side" project since 2003. I use software to build sites because it doesn't require a lot of technical know-how. Once I became interested in site building, however, I felt I should learn code, etc which is why I went back to WA the second time, for school.. which didn't turn out well, but without formal training the freelance business came about.

I've been struggling through Chpt 1 in Steve's book about Truth and if I had to rate the freelance side gig, it'd be a solid 7.. which is really a 1 (dissatisfaction). In the beginning when I learned and was working on a project I felt passionate about (rock music) it was great and I thought I'd be able to do it.. I mean it IS much better than a call center, but it is still settling. It's a 7.

I don't mind doing sites for myself, but at least half the time a client (and I have very few) wants something done to their site.. I don't want to do it, I do do it, but feel ambivalent - take it or leave it. I'm thinkin that when the "right" thing does take off and I'm back in black and can responsibly supports myself, I'm letting it go of it.

Plus.. it hasn't grown even though I try and act like I want it to... by trying to get new jobs, by going back to school to learn more, etc. Because of my lack of enthusiasm, I get the feeling that perhaps the stagnation is deliberate and that it's best not to beat a dead horse, so to speak.

I'll always have my own sites and projects in various stages of development or non-development (as they are now), but beyond that.. the truth is I appreciate the few hundred $ it brings in each month, however it doesn't seem worth the energy to continue longer term.

thanks so much for your input!

[Monique7nuns]

Originally Posted by Angela

Try on 100% responsibility and see how it works in your life. Look boldly at who you are being that your life is occurring for you the way it does. See what you could let go of that's not working so well, and see what you're willing to take on that would make a positive difference.

You have all the power in the world to generate a life you're madly in love with, and you can get started in an instant.

I was thinking about this some more and the word 'responsibility' itself has a lot of negative connotations to me.

I mean that I feel that at many times in the past I have been very responsible.. when my mom went into the hospital when I was 11-12 ... when I got my first few food jobs to earn extra money in my teens and 20's .. when I got my degree's .. when I worked in call center hell .. when I lived in my truck and art studio.. all those times I felt like I had to scrimp and save and sacrifice and grow up to be "responsible". It hasn't exactly been a fun place to live, which is most likely why I'm so reluctant to go back there.

I don't know what I'm 'willing to take on' in order to be responsible and contribute to the world. I've never lived there before or at least not that I'm registering right now.

You know I spent the better part of yesterday agonizing over whether or not I should spend $420 on a used/new-to-me and much better camera. On one hand the thought of going out and taking loads of good pics made me feel happy BUT on the other hand, how can I possibly spend so much on a camera when I owe so much and the one I have works fine?

ugh.. well I didn't get it but I really still want to right now.. even though I know I should wait until I have some 'responsible job' and steady income coming my way

[CroMagna]

Starving artist is a perfectly respectable job. Just get a day job somewhere that will enable you to rent a room somewhere. Everyone understands the term "starving artist." This is what you love. You just have to work during the day to make ends meet. Anyone who asks "I'm an artist." "I do a variety of things!" I know someone who just has a little desk job and does freelance painting and other little projects. She is the envy of the neighborhood as she lives a very full life. Hop to it!

[Parthon]

Responsibility has been warped in our language. It's broken.

It only means "able to respond". What society means is that you have to be mature, give up toys and bring it apon you as a burden. It's akin to blame and fault where someone is responsible, another way of pointing the finger. It's a tool of control, where people get you to do things you don't want, and they throw the word responsible at you.

It makes me sick.

My definition: Responsibility means that you are the one that leads your life. You are the one that lives with the results and you are the one that creates the path that you live. You can give up control to others, but you can never give up responsibility. Living into responsibility means taking that and saying "Yes, I am the source of my life." and living into that.

Now, I could say things like "So, if you had a kajillion dollars, what would you do?" but what I honestly want to say: What did you want to do as a kid? What did you have the most fun doing?

Also, for some reason the word truck stands out for me. Did you enjoy your time living in your truck? Was there an emotional significance about the truck?

[Angela]

Yes, I can see where the word "responsible" would feel bad if you believe that it means you are the Chief Person in Charge of Everything, that you are to blame when things go badly and should be rewarded when things go well. Or if you think it means getting and keeping a job whether or not you enjoy the work you do; or it means that you don't have to rely on anyone for anything. Or deserving to buy a new camera because you've earned it (or not deserving because you haven't earned. Same thing.)

Those all seem like very meager and paltry definitions of the word, in the context of 100% Responsibility. Being 100% responsible, in my view, means:

Boldly looking at who you are being that reality is occurring for you the way it does, and then letting go of what you don't need and taking on what would make a difference if it were present. Are you responding, or are you reacting? Are you being the source of what you want, or are you hoping or expecting someone or something else to provide it for you?

In your posts so far, I hear a plaintive woefulness, a seeking of solutions outside yourself. One big solution I hear you looking for is Being Heard (which is close kin to Being Invisible). Not being heard, or being invisible, seems to generate big pain for you, and I suspect it hearkens back to something that happened to you when you were very small and you made it mean that you were not heard. Your old pain gets reactivated around that a lot. Don't you think it's kind of funny that you keep going back to a "Call Center"? And that your pain gets reactivated there and you quit, and then you go back again? Your subconscious is a very powerful punster, I think.

You dream of expressing yourself through art, but your limiting self-belief has a hard time with that; because if people could see or hear your art, that would conflict with being unheard and invisible. And your limiting belief does NOT want to die! It's exhausting, these limiting beliefs!

It's not surprising that have intestinal trouble. It's a common problem for people who feel powerless, unheard, and invisible. (severely "shy" people often have lots of trouble with their tums.)

What do you think would be possible in your life, in your career, in your art, in your stomach, if you were not believing your habitual thoughts?

[Monique7nuns]

You are definitely challenging me.. if I haven't responded directly yet it's because I'm not quite sure what to say

my brain is trying to digest it and all the while I'm having very intense cravings for sweets and more crap food

I was on a diet regimen a few days ago and went off it again. Now, I'm back to eating whatever I want.. like trying to fill a void, but it doesn't work cause I just keep wanting more.

Thankfully, due to the unhealthy state of my digestive system I haven't gained any weight. I'm not in good enough shape to fully process it so it just goes right through me.

[Monique7nuns]

Originally Posted by sbdiane

Monique, much of what you write sounds similar to much of my life.

What eventually began the healing process for me was attending a 12 step program for people who love alcoholics. The alcholism thing did not matter so much as the fact of living in that kind of environment where people do not behave normally. It could be alcoholism, drug addition, mental illness, whatever. The thing that helped was rather than expecting me to pour my heart out to someone I did not trust -- a therapist scribbling secret notes about me as I talked -- I had the chance to tell my story and recieve no advice or judgment at all. I went to those meetings every day, sometimes twice a day, for a whole year. It helped immensely. My life didn't magically become solved, but I became stronger and was able to start forging the way to a more peaceful, calm and mentally healthy and financially settled life.

I suggest you never ever take another call center job. Those jobs sound like they will kill you. You are a smart person who can educate others and you have technical skills. You could take your skills and work in Marketing, in eLearning or support in a software or other kind of company. You just need to network a little to find the person who can help you get in, or find an internship. A good way to network is to take all your interests: hiking, photography, pottery, etc and join things in the community. Then talk to people and make friends. Maybe one of them can help you get a job. Recently I got a job working in a science-related field because I met someone at an organic vegetable garden where I decided to volunteer.

The hardest thing I have had to learn, it seems, is that my life has not been following a logical path. My sister got a job right out of high school, still works in that same field, got married, had kids, bought a house and cars and all that normal stuff. I have always felt less-than because I couldn't get my act together to be normal. I will never be normal like that. In fact, I became pretty close to normal for a decade and it was boring! I recently threw most of that normal stuff away again. It's just not me. It has been interesting to learn this. For me success is different. It is a more difficult path to follow and I am struggling still. But I feel calmer about it because I know it is right for me now. I could not have gotten to calm without the 12 step program, without being normal for a while, without going for a very very long hike, and without reading some things that validated some of what I had thought, some of which were written by Steve and some of which were written by others.

Sorry that was so long. I hope there was a shred of helpfulness somewhere in there.

Hi SbDiane.. I'm glad the 12 step support program worked for you. Do they still call it Al-Anon? I think just knowing there are others there that relate what your going through can mean so much. I mean their actually listening and imagine can and do give feedback when you need it. I haven't heard of any of these programs around here, but thanks for letting me know it's an option.

Seems that the consensus is not going back to a call center.. which I too feel would be another step in the wrong direction. I don't want to be miserable, who does? It would be really nice to get my foot into the door of a good creative job and who knows, it may be possible. It'd sure be nice to catch a break.

Without knowing the details of your situation, it sounds like we do have some similarities. A lot of the time when I was healing by changing my lifestyle a little voice in my head kept nagging at me saying it wanted to be 'normal'.. meaning eat whatever I want. And the thing is though.. I've never really been normal which is when I decided to start embracing my eclecticism. My gypsy lifestyle is unique and I know there are people stuck in normal that wish they weren't. It's so funny that no matter what the situation, there's always something else or something better - makes me wonder if "enough" is just a myth. It seems so few have found that balanced. I can't say I know many. I'd like to find a nice balance between the two worlds.. conventional and non-conformity.

Thanks for sharing your story. It wasn't too long at all. I will keep the support group idea in mind. take care!

[Angela]

Balance is overrated!

[Monique7nuns]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Starving artist is a perfectly respectable job. Just get a day job somewhere that will enable you to rent a room somewhere. Everyone understands the term "starving artist." This is what you love. You just have to work during the day to make ends meet. Anyone who asks "I'm an artist." "I do a variety of things!" I know someone who just has a little desk job and does freelance painting and other little projects. She is the envy of the neighborhood as she lives a very full life. Hop to it!

See that was the plan when I went that route. Before it happened, I thought working in a call center for a day job would get me by relatively comfortably while doing my art. Not so. I ended up not joining the local ceramics studio. I tried to get things going by drawing but it was as though my inspiration had dried up. I channeled that creativity into digital format w/website design and by writing the book so at first it wasn't a complete bust.

Nowadays when anyone asks what I do, I don't use the 'starving artist' label cause I don't really think of myself that way. I just mention the freelance design and being a gypsy.

[Monique7nuns]

Originally Posted by Parthon

Responsibility has been warped in our language. It's broken.

It only means "able to respond". What society means is that you have to be mature, give up toys and bring it apon you as a burden. It's akin to blame and fault where someone is responsible, another way of pointing the finger. It's a tool of control, where people get you to do things you don't want, and they throw the word responsible at you.

It makes me sick.

My definition: Responsibility means that you are the one that leads your life. You are the one that lives with the results and you are the one that creates the path that you live. You can give up control to others, but you can never give up responsibility. Living into responsibility means taking that and saying "Yes, I am the source of my life." and living into that.

Now, I could say things like "So, if you had a kajillion dollars, what would you do?" but what I honestly want to say: What did you want to do as a kid? What did you have the most fun doing?

Also, for some reason the word truck stands out for me. Did you enjoy your time living in your truck? Was there an emotional significance about the truck?

Parthon you bring up a very good point. Many people define responsibility the same way I have and I bet a lot of them resent it too. Difference is, however, I'm not going to settle for it. I'd rather be broke.

I like your definition better and perhaps an introspective look inside is what I need to figure out what my truth is so that I can begin to consciously abide/live by it instead of feeling at the mercy of fate.

I don't remember wanting to be anything specific when I was a kid, except for a veterinarian.. and I did begin that program in school. That idea quickly faded when partying, boys, many missed classes and bad grades entered the picture. I used to have a lot of fun hiking and exploring with my brother and his friends. I was a tomboy. The exploring was only part of it though.. building that comradery with the guys was a blast.

Regarding the truck.. lol.. well it was weird. I mean something about having everything I owned contained in it.. just being mobile, ready and able to go where ever, when ever. Even though I was technically homeless, I felt a great sense of freedom.. much like I did while out exploring.

You have given me excellent insight and perhaps some important clues about how I can redifine responsiblity. Thanks so much!

[Parthon]

You are very welcome.

I only mentioned the truck because I sensed some kind of resonance in the word. If you say taht it gave you freedom, connection and a sense of exploration, perhaps that's what's missing in your current life. I can't picture you as a vetenarian though, but when you said hiking, I imagined you in combat boots striding along a path, leading. Does something involving exploring, like a tour guide, or social worker interest you? Hmm, actually not social worker, more like, youth group leader, or similar. I think your strengths would lie in interacting with people, in particular leading them in some way, or discovering something new.

I dunno, just throwing some ideas out there.

[Monique7nuns]

Originally Posted by Angela

Being 100% responsible, in my view, means:

Boldly looking at who you are being that reality is occurring for you the way it does, and then letting go of what you don't need and taking on what would make a difference if it were present. Are you responding, or are you reacting? Are you being the source of what you want, or are you hoping or expecting someone or something else to provide it for you?

In your posts so far, I hear a plaintive woefulness, a seeking of solutions outside yourself. One big solution I hear you looking for is Being Heard (which is close kin to Being Invisible). Not being heard, or being invisible, seems to generate big pain for you, and I suspect it hearkens back to something that happened to you when you were very small and you made it mean that you were not heard. Your old pain gets reactivated around that a lot. Don't you think it's kind of funny that you keep going back to a "Call Center"? And that your pain gets reactivated there and you quit, and then you go back again? Your subconscious is a very powerful punster, I think.

You dream of expressing yourself through art, but your limiting self-belief has a hard time with that; because if people could see or hear your art, that would conflict with being unheard and invisible. And your limiting belief does NOT want to die! It's exhausting, these limiting beliefs!

It's not surprising that have intestinal trouble. It's a common problem for people who feel powerless, unheard, and invisible. (severely "shy" people often have lots of trouble with their tums.)

What do you think would be possible in your life, in your career, in your art, in your stomach, if you were not believing your habitual thoughts?

Wow.. yeah. Thanks again!

Not being heard has happened a lot in the past and is still happening now. I'm pretty sensitive to it, especially when it is associated with men or other people I live with. It's not like I have to be the center of attention, but just being acknowledged and talked to like I'm actually present would really be nice. I'm much more alone in a crowd than by myself. Stands to reason then my stress level will lower when I live by myself again.

Between you and Parthon I am beginning to get an idea of what conscious responsibility is and how I need to re evaluate it. I don't think it's ever really fully occurred to me that it involves honoring what makes me happy. It's like a form of masochism when I think about it now and I've been manifesting it in so many ways in my life and on my body.

I always thought of my call center time as self-inflicted hell. I knew I had a choice in the matter, but have been too afraid to follow other potentially harder paths IE) "starving artist".. for fear of failure or rejection.. thinking it was irresponsible to be happy or spend money on something others may deem as frivolous. Then I'm always doing my snap-crackle-pop routine on my spine and self-defeating by eating crap foods..

If I were to let go of my limiting beliefs the first thing that comes to mind is simply being free. I'd feel/be free.

[Monique7nuns]

Originally Posted by Parthon

You are very welcome.

I only mentioned the truck because I sensed some kind of resonance in the word. If you say taht it gave you freedom, connection and a sense of exploration, perhaps that's what's missing in your current life. I can't picture you as a vetenarian though, but when you said hiking, I imagined you in combat boots striding along a path, leading. Does something involving exploring, like a tour guide, or social worker interest you? Hmm, actually not social worker, more like, youth group leader, or similar. I think your strengths would lie in interacting with people, in particular leading them in some way, or discovering something new.

I dunno, just throwing some ideas out there.

Yeah, yeah.. yeah! I was beginning to think along those lines as well! A few months ago I thought about photo tours and helping people connect with nature.. I know they have nature programs for troubled youth. Surely there is something there.. it's exciting to think about! I'm gonna go journal out some more ideas around this..

[Monique7nuns]

Update from yesterday.. seems the best place to start is in figuring out what my "truth" is. I have a few ideas about it, but have never really sat down to figure it out. I just listened/watched a YouTube video of a lecture by Rozalind Gruben about Social and Emotional Eating and so much of it made sense. It really struck a chord until she began preaching about the virtues of raw vegan. There is so much of it, I'm just thinkin 'give me a break already'.. I don't know.. maybe there is/are valid reasons why a lot of information regarding this type of lifestyle is coming my way now.

What I'm left with.. the 'truth' I'm left with in regards to the ultra important health area of life is that.. I have to figure it out myself and that means to actually try different things. At this point, honestly speaking, the number of regimines I've actually followed through on 100% are fairly low. I can probably count them on one hand. Slipping back into old patterns = comfort and security.. how do you break those cycles?

[Parthon]

You don't.

That's the tricky thing about power, truth and time, while you can find out the truth and apply your power in getting into action, it only lasts so long. In order to get rid of an old habit, you need to replace it with a new one, and that takes four weeks or longer for most people. You last those four weeks but using your inspiration and motivation to pull you forward, and willpower to push you from behind.

If you really want to improve all over though, find out as much as you can, but don't take action. Figure out what you want to do, and what gets you up in the morning, then write it down and put it somewhere safe. Discover what brings you to tears and what makes you laugh, and write a journal about it. There are many ways to find truth, but you don't need to act on it right away. The clarity it brings to your life is fantastic though, and all the choices you make will be better. It's the times when you are at maximum clarity where you take the best action and follow what you love.

[Monique7nuns]

Hey Eric.. that is very encouraging advice. Quite a bit of the time I do get impatient with the process. I'm an instant gratification junkie. I have been doing some more research.. gathering more info about health mainly. I also decided to do a 30 sleep trail to establish natural patterns of sleep. I figure that's a fairy easy place for me to start. Getting up early is one thing I followed through with the most during my previous healthier-me trial attempts. Accomplishing this also creates a solid base on which to build so I'm looking forward to it. It is easy enough that I feel that I can get through the entire trail.

I'm also dabbling with a few other health habits at the same time to get a better feel for them mostly. I mean, if I do it great.. but I'm not going to stress out if I change course or stop or whatever else may come up.

This gives me one of the best clues as to what my 'truth' is.. I haven't actually written anything solid down regarding what these 'truths' are but I've been thinking about it quite a bit - formulating more ideas. By the time my b-day rolls around next week, I'm thinking I'll have a few key guidelines. I think the trick is maybe not to get too stuck on any one thing in this process in order to allow the authentic truth to come forward. I don't think I've had the patience for it in the past.

How about you?

[Parthon]

I've found personally that writing is one of the most powerful tools for finding truth for two reasons: it gets it out of your head and down on paper/in a text document, and you can explore and expand possible ideas on a canvas, adding more and more as you go with no limit. I've used it to make a list of the things I most want to do in the next 5 years, along with keeping track of various projects I'm working on. It's great for this, because while your brain might be able to hold up to 12-15 unique ideas at once, the page can hold as many was you can write.

The other thing it's great for is journalling. You write out your thoughts as you type and just follow where they go. Once you run out of thoughts, you go back and read it and see what else comes up. You can also pose a question in focus your thinking onto that one topic. I've only just started doing this recently, but I've already had some really profound insights. It takes about 20-30 minutes for a really good journalling, but the impact can save you hours, or days. Even then, you can use that 30 minutes to figure out how to use the rest of your time more effectively. Even just spending 5 minutes is great. Thinking about the time spent wasted doing things like mindless surfing, or just waiting, 30 minutes is nothing.

As for 30 day trials, they are brilliant. But you can only really do 1-2 at a time, as I've just recently discovered. The last one was going on the raw food diet for 2 weeks, it was great. For November, I'm exercising every day. Sleep patterns will probably be the next one.

[Throwback24]

Wow. This made me teary eyed, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. Wow...

[Monique7nuns]

I've been journaling for many years, nearly 20 now that I think about it. Geez! I don't know that I go deep enough though, now that your (Parthon) sharing your experience of it. Speaking of which, I'm trying out the journaling software Steve recommended 'the journal'. It's quite a bit different. I've gone from pen and paper to Word to blog and now the journal. Seems the software could prove to be a more effective way of organizing thoughts and desires. Perhaps I'll try to explore things a little more thoroughly.. over a broader range of subjects as well. Generally speaking, only one or two topics are repeated: health and men (or rather one in particular).

One thing I don't do very often.. or haven't in a long time is go back and re read what I wrote. I am, however, fairly certain that I've been thinking the same things that I was years ago.

I noticed in your blog you had some entries regarding your exercising trail. I hope that is going well. It doesn't take much to start getting into the habit. I've read many start very small and manage to work their way up. I've been able to do this in the past but for some reason, I fall back into the pattern of stagnance. Well, that'll be another trial in the upcoming year.

Throwback - thanks for your concern. I've been living this and have reviewed various aspects for so long that I feel pretty emotionally detached. I mean, it is what it is. Seems a little strange that I feel so indifferent about my own life.

[Parthon]

Thanks monique, the exercising is going really well. Third day of the thirty day trial so far, and I'm blasting through it easy as pie. It will probably be a permanent change.

The most recent journalling I did was very weird. I started listening to some deep/sad/inspiring music, and just wrote about what came up. I felt the world, and went deeper into what's important to me. I started writing about the previous night, but then went into how I feel about the world, life and reality. At one point I found myself in deep sorrow and peaceful bliss at the same time. I reconnected with my love for everything around me, and also my desire to make a difference to others. That had been missing for a long time. It took about 2 hours to go all the way through it, but it was worth it, 1000 times over.

I guess for me, journally is the difference between just writing down thoughts, and actually clearing my head of the mental clutter of the moment so I can get down deep to what matters.

Perhaps you could do a long journal about where you best see yourself and what calls to you as a career.

[Monique7nuns]

While I didn't get the flash of insight via writing.. it came via doing qi gong this week.. I'm going to let fear decide my next moves in life.

Of course fear has already been doing this to some degree, but the difference is recognizing the fears and having the courage to face them opposed to living in denial and avoiding them.

I'm looking at what my greatest fears are and one by one I'm going to face them. For example) living with the parents already has a huge negative stigma in society. It's like a neon sign of "failure". Although I'm told it's relatively common in other parts of the world. Whatever my reasons for the return to the parents house.. there is one fear that stands at the heart of it and it's not the most obvious one. I've been here before as an adult.. it's not that big of a deal so that stigma only partially affects me. The real issue, which could be the real reason I'm here.. the thing I'm afraid of is sorting out a certain relationship with one of my parents.

I don't know that the relationship has ever been "good", but the idea of me changing to the point I need to in order to help it run more smoothly.. as would a good friendship.. well if were to move out, I'd be denying the fact that I even care about it as much as I do and nothing would get resolved.. let alone improve. I can't even begin to imagine just how much I'd regret not doing all I could just to have a real connection with this parent before it's too late. I think I'd be haunted by it the rest of my life.

This is just an example and a symptom of a far greater fear/challenge. The relationship I have with myself. The way Steve put it in his post today just brings it all together. The scope of the relationship I have with myself extends into many areas of my life, but the one it has been the most prevalent in is the one I have the most trouble with. I mean.. would someone who truly honors themselves and values their life eat crap food? Especially when they know full well just how many levels in which it can damage their body? It IS slow suicide.

Yeah.. facing the fear about the strained, disconnected relationship I have with myself is huge. I have starved myself in the past.. yet I can't say that I've ever really only eaten nourishing foods. It's been easier to deprive myself than to give it what it needs to thrive.. Why? Cause the true nourishment will force me to face those emotions instead of numbing me like all the crap food does.. it enables denial and self defeat.

The truth is that it's far scarier to eat well and face those emotions for what they are.. and that's my first step.. and possibly my biggest fear.

So.. if it scares the heck out of me, I know that's the direction I need to go into boldly. I've been aware of certain fears as they hold me back, but never really from this perspective of empowerment.

Since I put the issue of my life out there and posed a question regarding what to do next.. I'm going to stay here (at the parents house) and really get to work on not only the relationship I have with that parent, but especially forging a real connection with my true self.. beneath all the layers of pain and emotion. I feel a very strong desire to do this completely now..

I don't think I would have realized how profoundly this fear has negatively impacted my life had I not been reading along with Steve's food trials. It seems no wonder now why I reacted so extremely when he began his juice feast. Nearly two weeks later and I'm thinking that I may also benefit from something similar to begin my healing process.. and then perhaps down the line, when I'm ready next year, I may even do a juice feast.

But one step at a time. Just getting to the point where I'm not using crap food as a numbing agent is going to be a challenge.

Another thing that has really helped bring about this insight is the fact that I shared it in this open forum. The way so many people offered their advice and insight isn't something I would have received in "real" life or if I'd posted it on my blog that no one reads. And the way Eric (Parthon) has put the effort forth to open a dialogue means so much. I think it's made all the difference. He didn't have to, but he did.. just a guy offering a little help to a messed up stranger with one messed up life. Right on brother-man! Thank you so much!!!

Guess it just goes to prove that the power of human connection, no matter what form it takes, should never be underestimated.

In light of this, I may continue to post my progress on this forum. Not only does it create a bit of accountability from my end but it also has that support potential.