Life areas, setting goals, habitualizing - what to do first?

[Jaycee]

(moved from PDSP Forum, where I posted by accident)

Hey all,

I'm pretty new to the forum - and to personal development itself. I'm anxious to improve myself over time, but at the same time paralyzed by the areas in my life I am lacking in and by the sheer mass of options available to me.

I need to chose on what to focus first - but after months of trying alone and failing, only to start over again and again I realize I need help.

Your help, that is. The help of people who are familiar with self-development concepts, who have faced difficulties when starting up, and may have useful advice.

First, let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm 24 years old, from Germany, and currently trying to graduate from College (I study Online Media, a mixup of IT, Design, and Economics). 2 months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me, I saw it coming, unable to do anything. A week later, my hard drive crashed, taking all of my data to digital nirvana.

Perfect situation to start from scratch, isn't it?

And I did. I read Steve's Blog, listened to the podcast. There is so much useful Information here and in other places on the Internet, and I'm incredibly thankful that such a place exists - but the amount of information can be overwhelming.

Where to start?

Well, I figured from the podcast that I should probably start to figure out what my situation is. I think I'm still in denial, because I would take action otherwise.

So what kind of person I am, actually?

It shames me to say it, but basically I am a coward (it feels good to be able to say that and face the fact.) I don't seem to be able to get up before near-noon, even when going to bed early. I procastinate, surfing the internet reading, playing computer games (an environment where I can win and where failure is not punished). I realize that I should be doing more for my thesis work, and I feel that I will ultimately fail if I don't change anything. I don't seem to be able to go out with my friends, even if the opportunity is there - I can't have fun, there is so much work to do. I can't go after the girl who's obviously interested in me, because I'd need to take action. I can't complete my assignments, housework is steadily piling up, only to be used as an excuse for not working on the really pressing parts. I'm addicted to
caffeine, my eating habits are not very good. I'm not extremly healthy - not fat, but there is room for improvement. My emotional state rises and falls with how my day is, and how much I am accepted by my peers - it would be good if I were in control of my life. But currently, I do not feel as if I am.

So, I hear you asking - is there anything good, anything I can work with?

- I consider myself fairly intelligent and open to try something new. That's good. There, I said it. Something, finally.
- I can be a very sociable person, if no negative emotions keep pulling me down. I like to speak with other people. I have friends, but I am neglecting them, because I tell myself I have “important things to do”.
- My parents pay for my eductiation. I do feel guilty about that, you know. Living not on my own money. But why is this
positive? It means, that for the next few months, I do not need to worry where the money comes from, and can dedicate
more time into Thesis, and Personal Development.
- I can work extremely efficient when I get started, and have the proper motivation.
- I'm good with computers, programming and the like. If only I could use my skills goal-oriented...

This is where I stand. Now I need to look further. Where do I want to be? I need some goals.

1. Work
current: If I continue like this, my Thesis will fail.
goal: Plan, schedule, work. I can do this, I have enough time - if I start putting in some serious effort.

2. Financial
current: I'm financially save, for now.
goal: Control what little money I have, earn more later.

3. Relationship
current: Last Long-Term-Relationship ended catastrophically. Cannot pursue girls I am interrested in.
goal: Be at ease. Say that I'm interrested in being whith her. Let girls I'm interested in come into my life,
and stay a while, if they like it.

4. Family
current: Good connections to mother and little brother, father not seen in a dozen years (parents divorced).
goal: Intensify relationship to mother and brother. Figure out if I want do revive the relationship to my father.

4. Home
current: Home in disorder, housework piling up. Cannot concentrate.
goal: Get housework more organized so it doesn't get in the way

5. Physical Health
current: Not excercising regularly. Addicted to caffeine,
goal: Break addiction, get better food, go swimming x times a week.

6. Mental
current: If concentrated, I learn many new things each day.
goal: Make learning more focused - what should I learn?

7. Social
current: Rarely going out with friends, even when asked.
goal: Take the initiative, have fun with my friends.

8. Emotional
current: Unstable. Easily affected by small thing, which can turn whole days to a mess. Seeks approval from others.
goal: Build self-confidence. Be at ease with yourself.

9. Spiritual
current: Not thought about it too deeply.
goals: Find time to think about it.

10. Character
current: I'm pretty pessimistic.
goals: I want to be more optimistic.

11. Contribution
current: I don't know to whom it matters much if I am around.
goals: I want to make a difference for others when I'm around.

12. Fun & Adventure
current: Rarely seen out of house, or doing unusual things.
goals: Well, I just don't know. I'd like to go abroads some time in the future.

And this is where the snake bites itself in the tail. Where to start? All of these areas are affecting each other, don't they?
Some are vague, others relatively clearly stated. This is why I need help. To get a hook into this, massive, vertical cliffside which is called my life, to start climbing upwards.

Questions
- How to turn an unclear and fuzzy statement (see goals above) into something clear and achievable?
- How to break it down in managable tasks, so I have something to work on?
- How to stay on track (be disciplined) in working on those tasks?
- If you where me, which areas would you improve first, and why? Which things form the basics, which are more advanced? Obviously, I can't stop life itself to work on one thing only, but I think I need to concentrate one a few things first.
- Do you have any general tips on how to pull it off?

I'll be happy to incoorporate your suggestions, answer questions, and to contribute further to this forum.

Thank you, for reading through this.

P.S. I'm not a native speaker, and always trying to improve my english. If I did make some grave mistakes, kindly point them out, ok? :-)

[supertom]

start with finding your "life purpose" or Physical. The rest will come later

[Mr. DEM]

Hello Jaycee, your kind of like me in a way, I am changing my life too. At the moment I am achieving all my goals that I have set out.

Now you have many areas of your life you want to change and the way I found of making this an easy and enjoyable process is by working on a few areas of your life in one go. Go to the library to study on your thesis, you never know who you might meet there maybe new friends or even a new girlfriend and that there would help you with your work and relationship/social skills. You could also invite your friends to go swimming with you so you could work on the fitness and social skills. I always enjoyed doing things like this, mixing up tasks so I would work on many different areas of my life in one go.

How to turn an unclear and fuzzy statement (see goals above) into something clear and achievable?

Well the way I turned my ideas into goals was by first looking at where I would like to be in 5 years time; career, relationships, health etc. After deciding on where I wanted to be in 5 years I then wrote it down into goals, for example in 5 years time I want to be running my own business so I wrote down that my goal was to run my own business. The important thing is that you make these your 5 year goals because what you will do next is take action, immediately. After writing your 5 year goals down you should create a diary/to-do list, then write down what you are going to do each day to work on your 5 year goals, for example in my first diary entry I wrote down that I wanted to research some business ideas to help with my goal of running my own business as one of my diary goals.

How to break it down in managable tasks, so I have something to work on?

I think I have explained this in the above answer but if you want me to elaborate further then don't hesitate to ask me.

How to stay on track (be disciplined) in working on those tasks?

I think this is a hard question because we all have times when we just can't motivate ourselves to do something. Many people will say it is because what we are working towards isn't our true calling and you need to find yourself, personally I think that is a load of crock. On days when you just can't motivate yourself I always find it better to go back to my goals and have a bit of a daydream about how my life will be different in 5 years time and that in itself is a motivation booster.

If you where me, which areas would you improve first, and why? Which things form the basics, which are more advanced? Obviously, I can't stop life itself to work on one thing only, but I think I need to concentrate one a few things first.

Well like I have said in your first question I would work on many areas all at once because I think it is more fun but if you are looking for just one area to improve first I would say it is social. I say that because once you have gained better social skills you will be happier, that is from my experience and this will make the other areas easier to handle. I think your hardest areas to work on are going to be spiritual and character. Spiritual because if you are looking for religion you will have to choose one of the many out there to follow or if you are more for "soul searching" then it will also take a while to figure out what works for you, for some it is through meditation but there are many other things you could do, just research them. Character because it takes time to change from being pessimistic to optimistic and will take some effort on your part but I must say that I am not speaking from experience on this because I myself am optimistic.

Do you have any general tips on how to pull it off?

Not really, just keep on working hard at it. If you keep thinking about how well your life will be after you have made these changes then your motivation will increase.

I hope I have been some help to you.

Good luck on your personal development journey.

Mr. DEM

[dannielo]

Try this:

- Wake up early, use an alarm if you have to.
- Don't start the computer, talk on phone, check email or play games yet.
- Exercise for 20 min (this will take care of 5. and 6.)
- Shower and then meditate (this will take care of 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11)
- Don't start the computer, talk on phone, check email or play games yet.
- Eat a healthy meal (5)
- Read a good book, something inspiring, for 15-30 minutes (this will take care of 6, 9, 10, 11)
- You may start the computer, but still don't talk on phone, check email or play games yet.
- Jump directly to work on your thesis, and start with the most important, and probably difficult task. Work for 2 hours. (this will take care of 1)
- Relax for 30 minutes, and now you are alowed to call everyone back. Buts still don't check email or play any games
- Work for another 2 straight hours (1)
- Another 30 minutes break. All right, now you can check email and respond.
- Choose an hour you decide to stop working (1pm, 5 pm, what's right for you) and stick to it.
- Time for social life. Do whatever is necessary. (3, 4, 7, 11, 12)
- The weekends are also for social activities only, and maye reading personal development stuff.

Success!

[Parthon]

I could be way off base here, but I'm hearing something underneath everything you are saying. You mention feeling guilty and shameful many times, along with being incapable and useless.

I think it might be because you are trying to run before you can walk. You are trying to take many steps before you take the first. The first step is courage.

The Courage to Live Consciously

Like you said, you are a coward. I would say, you aren't a coward, but you fear certain things happening. Failure, looking bad, wasted effort, wasted time. Unfortunately, doing nothing is all of those 4 combined and magnified.

The only way to break through the wall and overcome the first obstacle is to bring courage into your life. The only way you can do this is attempting courageous acts, and not caring if you fail. You will live if you fail, but your fear might die, and what you are really scared of, looking good, doesn't matter after all. Take on something everyday that's scary, uncomfortable or different and do it. Courage builds more courage.

[Jaycee]

Wow. That's some pretty useful stuff you've posted there. Thanks. I spend most of my sunday considering what will help me and what not and how to fit it into my personal development.

Finding my purpose
While I do think that having found a purpose could have a positive impact in the long run, I don't think I should focus on finding one right now. I figure I am in survival mode right now, because I can't fill my daily physical, mental and social needs and am suffering because of it. So what I came up with thanks to your support is an Emergency plan.

Goals - Overall picture
I tried to focus out some 5-year-goals. But all I came up with was some pretty generic stuff: Have a job you like, friends, a good relationship, etc. I attribute this to being in survival mode, so I tried to reiterate: Where do I want to be in one year?

Goals - One year

Career

• I have finished University
• I got a job in the area I like

Financial

• I have my spending habits under control.
• I do make enough money to save up amounts large enough to achieve new goals.

Health

• I exercise regularly
• I eat healthy food
• I am not addicted to caffeine, sugar or alkohol
• I do not smoke
• I sleep very good, getting up early.

Social

• I have a small circle of very good friends which I meet regularly.
• I get along well with my mum and my brother, maintain a good relationship.
• I regularly go out and meet new people.

Home

• I do my houswork efficiently, so it doesn't get in the way.
• I have a nice flat I where I can invite people to.
• Furniture is classy / custom made

Relationship

• I am at ease about relationships
• I have no problem to say to a girl I like here (self-confidence)

Emotions

• I allow myself to relax myself into positive emotions.
• I experience negative emotions, but do not drown in them or allow them to take me over.

Fun and Adventure

• I have been to one country I've never been to before.

Character

• I am able to see the good sides of life.

Action plan
Found this very good. Very precise at the beginning to get a good start every day, afternoon / evening open for use as needed.

[7:00am] Get up.
- Exercise
- Shower, shave, groom
- Meditate
- Have a good breakfast
- Clean up afterwards

[9:00am] Go to university (good working climate, literature available)
- Listen to inspiring Music while walking.
- 2 hours Thesis work. Tackle the most difficult task.

OR

[9:00am] Stay at home
- Meditate
- 2 hours Thesis work

[11:30] Relax for 30 minutes. Call everyone. Make appointments for afternoon / evening.
- 2 hours Thesis work.

[1:30pm] Lunch.
- Check Mail, Facebook, etc.

[2:00pm] Variable Time for Chores, Shopping, additional Thesis work, other Assignments that may come up.
- 2 hours

[4pm] Stop working.
- 30m Keep a Journal up to date
- Time for social life, Activities like swimming.

Weekends
- Social Time
- Personal Development
- Think about Ways and Goals

I'll try to stick to it, and come back to report on progress / ask additional, more specific questions. Thanks again, you've all been really helpful.

[Jaycee]

@Parthon:

You're right on track here. I actually read that article two hours before registering here. Indeed, I do need to build courage.

Posting here and getting feedback was a first step. And it felt empowering.
My courage is underdeveloped - I need to train it. I'm mostly lacking in the social area, I fear rejection.

Why? Being bullied as a child died for one thing, I guess. And not being able to keep up with my assignments made me stressed and moody - I got ultimately rejected by my girlfriend because of that.

So, for my own sake, I have to do two things: Get my assignments, my daily life under control, so there is time to grow, primarily in the social area.

Any suggestions on successive steps to build my courage muscle? I will try to come up with my own, but input is always welcome because it gives me the opportunity to double-check.

[MainelyMe]

Jaycee it sounds like you have a good daily plan in place. One piece of advice though. If something should happen to throw your schedule off at some point, don't let that ruin the whole day. Get back on track as soon as you can and continue with the schedule.

Sometimes we get thrown curve balls and if we don't have a plan for handling them ahead of time we can get thrown off track and think we've failed. Not true at all.

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another." Walter Elliott

Best regards,
Denise

[Parthon]

The only way to build courage is to use it, just like muscle training. Also like muscle training, everyone has different areas they want to build courage in, and no one technique works for all of them, but the basics are the same. You think up an action which would be challenging courage wise, but not overwhelming and follow through on it.

Steve says it best here: Progressive Training

The best way though, is that whenever you feel scared, anxious or doubtful, just push that fear aside and do what most inspires you at the moment. Courage isn't having no fear, it's having fear, pushing past it and going for it.

As an aside: I like your plans, but how much in the future are they. Planning for a year's time is great, it gives you focus and commitment, but the important part of planning is that it affects you right now. How many of those goals can you put into action today? How many of them can be done in the next 2-3 weeks? Do you have a timeline with monthly, weekly or daily actions to take and milestones to reach?

[MariaG]

@Jaycee - you've gotten great advice already. I just want to add that if you are having trouble translating your large goals into actions, you may benefit from a system called Getting Things Done. One of the concepts behind this system is identifying next actions. You can get an introduction to this at the 43Folders website, but the book is definitely worth reading.

Best wishes on your journey.

[Jaycee]

Hey again,

I'm currently reviewing the last week and setting goals for the next one, and thought I'd share some progress, as much for me as to show you that your advice is effective...

First Week

Career
I worked a solid amount of my time on my thesis, and am making progress.
to improve: Set smaller, daily goals

Financial
I analyzed my expenses, and found that I can comfortably spend 60€ per
week on food, While keeping 100€/month for bigger purchases (clothing, etc) and saving 100€/month.
to improve: Every monday, withdraw 60€. Write expenses down, make it a habit to handle 60€ throughout the week. Avoid money dumps like coffee automats ;-) At the beginning of every month, move 100€ to a save deposit.

Health
I got to swim on Friday and Saturday. My technique as well as my fitness is improving since i started 2-3 weeks ago.
to improve: Draw up a training plan with possible dates. Morning excercises didn't work out to well, but are a good Idea. Need to capture the first hour of the day with a solid routine

Social
My social life this week was ok. Apart from swimming, I was cooking with a friend two times, and was invited by another friend to eat with her before we went to a party.

Relationship
Asked a girl I really like if she'd like drink some coffee with me. Sadly, she had no time, but looked forward to doing it when she well be free in the future. Strangely, I had no problem with her saying no. Fear block got huge dents... I'll write her some time next week, just because I'm genuinely interrested how she is doing.
to improve: Ask earlier, have alternative options in meeting, socializing (calling, mailing..)

Emotions
This week has been good to me. The best days where Thuesday and Wednesday, where I was able to get up early and do some hours of work before the day had really begin. Felt awesome.
to improve: Sometimes, I had old, negative emotions crawling back out of the shadows. I was eventually able to defeat them, by ridiculing them, so they didn't take away a whole day from me. Have to read up on breaking those patterns faster!

Character
Not much to say after one week ;-)

@MainelyMe: I actually have difficulty with that. Getting back on track. But last week, I allways had to think about your statement when I got off track - it helped me to get reorganized quicker.

@MariaG: I actually bought David Allen's book some time ago, and tried to implement the system. If I consistently use it, it works great. I implemented goal and project tracking, for now, within Todoist - simply the best online todo management tools - especially the shortcut support is absolutely awesome!

My biggest problem is habitualization of good things. Only then systems like GTD will bring their full potential. My challenge for the next week: Start a 30-day-challenge to conquer the first hour of my day:

• Get up at 6:00am
• Excercise: 20 minutes
• Get a shower
• Eat a healthy breakfast

I really want that - getting up early feels really powerful. And then I will get to work. :-)

But now I will go to bed - or I'll risk my challenge for tomorrow. ;-)

[Eisho]

Originally Posted by Jaycee

And this is where the snake bites itself in the tail. Where to start? All of these areas are affecting each other, don't they?
Some are vague, others relatively clearly stated. This is why I need help. To get a hook into this, massive, vertical cliffside which is called my life, to start climbing upwards.

Questions
- How to turn an unclear and fuzzy statement (see goals above) into something clear and achievable?
- How to break it down in managable tasks, so I have something to work on?
- How to stay on track (be disciplined) in working on those tasks?
- If you where me, which areas would you improve first, and why? Which things form the basics, which are more advanced? Obviously, I can't stop life itself to work on one thing only, but I think I need to concentrate one a few things first.
- Do you have any general tips on how to pull it off?

I'll be happy to incoorporate your suggestions, answer questions, and to contribute further to this forum.

Thank you, for reading through this.

P.S. I'm not a native speaker, and always trying to improve my english. If I did make some grave mistakes, kindly point them out, ok? :-)

I would recommend you start by getting clear on a Life Purpose. This is a rewarding process and will bring you into contact with much deeper aspects of yourself that you are perhaps currently unaware of. I recommend you read Keep Your Eyes on the Prize. You can read a review here along with interviews with the authors.

Your English is exceptionally good BTW.

Cheers,

Eisho

[sbdiane]

It sounds like you want to do some kind of work on yourself and emerge on the other side transformed. The part that I noticed in what you wrote was the part where you said that your education is paid for but that seems negative to you but on the other hand it gives you a chance to work on your development.

My personal experience has been that changing yourself doesn't happen just because you have spare time. You have to actually do something you are afraid of doing and this can be done at any time in your life.

I don't think that a life purpose has to be big to make a big difference in your life. It can be a small thing, just one little thing you decide to do because you really want to. Little things are the difference between getting by and living life to the fullest. It can be as simple as talking to that girl you like. Or taking a class because you are interested in the subject even though it has no purpose toward a career.

It sounds to me that you live very much inside yourself. You feel like everyone is watching and judging everything you do. I used to feel that way. The truth is, nobody cares. They are wrapped up in themselves. It is freeing to learn this.

Take a step to get outside yourself. You say you rarely leave the house. Leave the house. It doesn't matter what you do. Take a walk. Look at the things around you. Notice that people in your neighborhood say Good Morning when you say Good Morning to them. Do whatever it takes to get yourself in a different environment.

Change what you do and then you'll have different thoughts and different feelings. It does not work the other way around. You have been doing it the other way around too long, waiting to have different thoughts and feelings in order to do something. You have to do something first. Then the rest will follow.

[Parthon]

Beautifully said sbDiane.