Redundant thought patterns

[backpocket]

I read Steve's Fear of Success: What will happen if you succeed?, and I found it very synchronistic for me, as I happened to run into some blocks recently with my writing and other parts I'm working on in my life. I did a 30 day trial last month to write everyday, and it was a joy at most times, frustrating sometimes, but all in all, fun.

But recently I seem to be really avoiding writing. Instead of jumping out of bed everyday to write at 7am, I've been sleeping in till late noon, and procrastinating endlessly, feeling awful the whole time. I know something was up, but I can't quite tell why. I just know I was avoiding it.

Anyway, this article seemed to really click with what was happening with me, so I tried the technique. And what I found felt quite disturbing and relieving at the same time for me.

I tried with something simple first: quitting smoking. What will happen if I become a non smoker? First thing that came to mind was of my friends who were smokers, and I imagined that they'll chastise me and it will be really awkward when we hang out and they light one up. Do I blow the smoke away? Tell them not to light up? I've quit smoking before, and everytime I did, the smell of smoke becomes unbearable for me. And I really hate people who've quit smoking and become super ultra religious and telling me smoking's endless rap sheet. I mean, come on, I'm a smoker, and smokers know everything about it! We've educated ourselves on the dangers and decided to not give a ****, so please, pipe down.

And I kept on thinking and thinking and fearing and thinking when I suddenly had a shift in my thought: What if these fears aren't even real? What if they'll never happen, and I'll never act that way?

So I decided to see things from a different perspective and ask different questions. First one was: If I was in my friend's place, what would I do around the non smoking me? I'll imagine I'm my friend, and I'll light up, and I'll look at the non smoking me and I saw that he did... nothing. Yeah, non smoking me didn't even seem to care. And I saw that I respected him more for being able to quit smoking, and will try to direct my smoke elsewhere.

I tried it on different aspects, only this time seeing myself from a different perspective, and everytime I did, I thought, damn, I'll just be the same, only without smoking, and I'll smell nicer too. I wouldn't be preachy or get disowned by my friends who smoke, and apparently the latter was quite a big fear for me, losing my good friends. Well, there goes my fears.

Turns out I've been using a disempowering thought pattern all my life, where projected outcomes seem to be coloured by a need for approval and security and god knows what else, that my thoughts become really distorted and too far off from reality to even take seriously. I mean, who the hell will disown their friend for quitting smoking? What am I, 10? I don't remember lighting up Pall Mall's during play dates. (But that's just because mommy would only give us Marlboro's.)

It was relieving doing this week. I felt so much lighter in the end after letting go of all this mental weight. But it did feel disturbing to know that I've probably used this disempowering thought pattern unconsciously in all other aspects of my life.

Man, the craziness that goes on in my mind...

[Jarrod]

Yeah thoughts and perspectives suck, they always trick us.