Toastmaster speech

[fatima91]

hi everyone..
im new here but i think its the place i've been looking for
i need your opinion on my first icebreaker speech for the toastmaster club and i will be very greatful for your help
this is my first draft>>
Myself and I


"Fellow Toastmasters, dear Guests"
"I don't want this" I said to myself.
I am here today delivering this speech I didn’t want this but I knew to gain my self-esteem I had to do this.
Sometimes taking decisions is really hard but we might have no choice, I mean you might say "I want this" but actually your inner self wants something totally opposite. This is a battle we that every one of us has to face in our everyday life but every one of us has to decide, we can't always get what we want.

Let me introduce myself, my name is Fatima al-halwachi I am 17 years old and at the moment I have just graduated from high school and on the verge of entering university. It has been really hard deciding what I would like to take up for my future career because there has been many distractions in my life.
I was born and raised in the UK for nearly all my life and since I was young I have always dreamt of being a psychiatrist but there was a big turning point in my where I had to change my mind. 3 years ago my family decided to come back and live here, so we came and I went to a government school where I had to choose between commercial and scientific studies and obviously I chose commercial because I knew it was going to be much easier for me.

I thought of going back to London for university but my mum wont let me she says she's going to miss me too much and well you know how mums can be you just cant argue back. Now I would like to take up ict for my future studies, and would like to get my masters and PHD and this is really my only dream for the time being and would be grateful if I achieve it, let's just hope nothing turns up this time.

This was my life story, I had to decide, it was hard but I eventually got over it. it's true deep down inside myself wanted something else but I just have to accept the fact that it's not always up to me this is my theory in life and we can't just stop at one point we just have to move on. One thing for all of you I hope you can always decide what is right for you and never give up because this life is all about decisions and everything happens for a reason.

Thank you

[Brutha]

1) Your sentences are too long. You should split some sentences into two.

3 years ago my family decided to come back and live here, so we came and I went to a government school where I had to choose between commercial and scientific studies and obviously I chose commercial because I knew it was going to be much easier for me.

That should be enough information to fill three sentences.
2) Your speech seems a bit short. Have you rehearsed it in front of the mirror and stoped the time?
You could probably illustrate on memory of your past in detail. How did the situation with your mom where she toled you to stay played out in detail?

What are your hobbies?
3) In general speaking about giving the speech that you are giving isn't productive. You could outline which points you want to cover in your speech, but otherwise you should directly start with the story.
Starting powerful helps you to get the attention of the audience.

[fatima91]

thanks alot
i'll be keeping your points in mind