Quarterlife Crisis?

[sarahme]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I just signed up because I am such a low low point that I really need some help seeing the light. Anyways, before getting into that, let me introduce myself.

I am a 24 yr old who is generally known to be fun loving, happy, and successful. I used to be into the law of attraction and it worked out very well for me. So well in fact that I attracted the ideal partner into my life. Or so I thought. Our relationship just ended 2 months ago (was only 6 months long) and I haven't been able to get out of this slump. I actually thought, deep in my heart, that this guy was the one. Now, we don't even talk anymore and I have come to discover that he is in no way that ideal person I had in mind. Maybe on paper, but as a person, definitely not. But at times, I really can't help but to think, "why did I meet this jerk?? What was the point? I thought he was so perfect, but I just got crushed at the end". I think this way of thinking is poisonous...but I can't seem to get it out of my head and I haven't succeeded at figuring out the lesson I'm supposed to take from that experience...

Anyways, I really think that I am using the law of attraction in reverse because since then, everything else in my life seems to have failed somehow. I am starting to dislike my job more and more (in finance). Yesterday I went and interviewed at a firm I would LOVE to work at. Although the interviews went relatively well (with the exception of one guy (i met FIVE) who grilled me to death), I walked away feeling even more down and ended up crying for a good 30 minutes at home...which I know is ridiculous because I dont even know what the outcome is!!

Apart from that, socially I haven't really been going out (although I am normally never this anti-social)...mainly because I don't like most people i've met here (foreign, i'm not from here, just work here) and I can't help but to become worried and panicky over meeting the right guy. I keep thinking, how on EARTH will I meet someone decent in this dump?? Which brings me to the next point...I keep debating over whether or not I should leave and go back to the states in a year's time.

Overall, I feel very lost, sad, and just anxious. I feel like I have no control over my life and that things have spiraled downward, big time. I don't like crying every other day and feeling helpless. I want to get back to my cheery self...the way I normally am. I have justified all of this as my "quarterlife" crisis but I want it to end already!! For some reason, I can't bring myself to think positive when so much isn't go well in my life right now.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and trying to help :0)

[Ceros]

So well in fact that I attracted the ideal partner into my life. Or so I thought. I thought he was so perfect, but I just got crushed at the end".

Hmm, can you please expand on this a bit more in detail? It's a bit difficult for me to understand such a change of attitude, even though I've seen examples of it in the past.

Why did your opinion of him change so drastically? Was it because of some unmet expectations, or because he was hiding his true self, or...?

[liverpool footballer]

Maybe you want to consider reading The Power of Now. I had a similar situation to yours, using the LOA to attract everything i needed to successfully be who i thought i wanted to be. But even though i though the LOA would give me everything and anything i need to be happy, it turned out that it brought me to another turning point of consciousness. I came across The Power of Now and all my problems became so clear to me. I finally understood why and how to truly lead a life of inner peace.

To give you a few samples of the teachings in The Power of Now, consider the notion of giving up control. Not needing to control anything. Not needing to be in control of your life, not needing to find that ideal partner, not needing to get that job, not needing to be your cheery self again. When you don't need anything, life becomes peaceful. There is no need to attain, achieve, or accomplish. Yet, you still can do all of those. You still can enjoy life, you still can attain, achieve and accomplish, but with the knowledge and freedom that nothing you do can give you greater peace and happiness than what you already have.

I know a common question that often rises up would be "wouldn't i lose my motivation to live? what would be the purpose of life then?" These are but misconceptions and misunderstandings of the teachings that can best be understood by reading the book yourself. The book is The Power of Now although The New Earth is very similar to it as well. Both of them are the works of Eckhart Tolle.

[ThoughtAddict]

Welcome sarahme. Thanks for sharing with us.

You seem focused on finding a life partner, the right guy, the one. Your recent breakup sparked a dilemma and feelings that your life is off course. Rather than being confined to the social, it cut deeply across all areas of your life. You now feel out of control, sad, lonely, and worried.

First, realize that nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. Everything is on track. Nothing lasts forever, but nothing is broken because of it. Your relationship ended and it did so to help you. You said you realize now that the guy wasn't the one. You spent only six months, and your world realized it wasn't right. It changed itself to prevent you the pain of an even longer relationship. Nothing is wrong with that.

You mention that the guy was perfect on paper, but not in reality. Could this be your universe telling you that a perfect resume is not enough for you? Perhaps you have limiting beliefs about what the perfect person will be. I'm not sure if this is the case, and you're free to reject to it. You said you don't see yourself meeting someone decent where you are. You referred to it as a dump. Could your universe be trying to tell you that your judgments based on impression are overly hasty? The most brilliant people I've met came from areas people would view as "dumps". I've met a quantum physics, philosophy, and international politics PhD living on the streets of New Orleans near a library. I've met a brilliant, ambitious financial planner working as a waiter in a shoddy hookah bar in Memphis. Brilliant people live in dumps, too. Your universe may be conspiring to open your eyes to these people where you live. Or it might've just been conspiring to have you join our little cyberdump .

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and trying to help :0)

I hope things work out well for you. Others here have more hands-on, practical advice and are masters at relationships. Just from the way you ended, you seem like an intelligent, charming person. I believe you'll do well.

[sarahme]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind responses! They really put a smile on my face :0) Below are some comments in response to yours.

Ceros
In response to your question, I basically realized that I was so busy trying to make him happy that I never once considered what he was doing for me. All of his sweet talking fooled me for long but fortunately, not too long. I realized that he was incredibly selfish and always considered himself first and did whatever suited him, never thinking of how I would be affected. And when I confronted him with this, instead of trying on work on the relationship, he literally said, "my friends call me a narcissist, this is how i am. take it or leave it." Anyways, enough details. Lets consider it over and done with. But hope you have a better idea of what I meant by the good on paper, but a disaster in person expression.

Liverpool Footballer
Thanks for empathizing and thanks for the advice. Want to hear a funny coincidence? So, on my quest to get out of this slump, I went to the bookstore today after the work and stayed there for maybe an hour and a half reading books. Anyway, I ended up buying Eat Pray Love, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, AND The Power of Now!! The first two Ive had my eye on for awhile, but the last book was bought on a whimp. I'm glad I made the purchase. It would be nice to kind of let go and not feel like I NEED to have all these things that society tells us will make us "successful."

ThoughtAddict
I am amazed by your two sentence analysis. It is right on! Thank you for clarifying that to me personally and thank you so much for your kind and wise words. You know, I know that in the long run everything will be fine and this is a bump in the road, which is why I call it my "quarterlife crisis" as it assumes a temporary phase. Its just hard to actually pull yourself out. Nonetheless, I really appreciate you sharing an alternative perspective of the place I reside in, aka the "dump." Your cyberspace dump comment made me laugh. I loved your stories about the non-stereotypical brilliant people you've met in unlikely places. It is inspiring and it gives me hope that are interesting people here. I just need to open my mind up...after all, an entire country cannot have 0 decent people. Its statistically impossible. And about finding the right guy, I friend back home would completely agree with you. She keeps telling me to have faith that things always work out for the best. I just need to pursue the things that make me happy, stay cool, and let things unfold.

[ThoughtAddict]

Originally Posted by sarahme

In response to your question, I basically realized that I was so busy trying to make him happy that I never once considered what he was doing for me. All of his sweet talking fooled me for long but fortunately, not too long. I realized that he was incredibly selfish and always considered himself first and did whatever suited him, never thinking of how I would be affected. And when I confronted him with this, instead of trying on work on the relationship, he literally said, "my friends call me a narcissist, this is how i am. take it or leave it."

Good riddance. No, really. Good that you're rid of that. A question for you: Why did it take you six months to realize something that he was so willing to admit openly, and that his friends characterize him with? Could this be part of the lesson you're meant to take, something about honest analysis?

Originally Posted by sarahme

You know, I know that in the long run everything will be fine and this is a bump in the road, which is why I call it my "quarterlife crisis" as it assumes a temporary phase. Its just hard to actually pull yourself out. Nonetheless, I really appreciate you sharing an alternative perspective of the place I reside in, aka the "dump."
. . .
I just need to open my mind up...after all, an entire country cannot have 0 decent people. Its statistically impossible.

First of all, which country are you living in?

Second, I'm trying to think of reasons you could have trouble moving past this funk. You took the time to respond individually to each person who gave advice, which shows you're considerate. From your word selection it is apparent that you're intelligent. You're driven enough and care enough about yourself to visit PD sites and buy PD books to improve your life. So far, so good.

Why are you having a hard time coming out of it? Are there some thoughts of scarcity that you're focusing on? Perhaps you're viewing the world as not having enough single, attractive, driven, passionate men in it? Or maybe you're expecting yourself to feel this way after a breakup and you're meeting your expectations? If either of these is the case, you should acknowledge their falsity and try to fully grok it.

One thing that interests me, though it might not be as helpful to you, is the extent to which this event reveals a unified self-schema. A problem in one area of your life had an effect on every area. This contrasts with a diversified self-schema, where you'd only feel like the relationship area of your life hit a bump. I've been looking for ways to develop a diversified self-schema, since it seems healthier. One advantage of the unified self-schema is that you can improve your overall mood about every area of your life by having fun and doing things that you're passionate about. Like your friend said, having fun and being cool might work wonders for you.

Be well.

[chrisafrica]

Wow can I relate with your post...I've also been through a tough tormenting and confusing breakup which has thrown me and my life out of sync. We're a similar age and I sense to a certain degree the same work environments. I'm not out of it yet but I've had to REALLY work hard to lift myself out of this slump/dip/difficult time. From my side I must say the first thing you need to do is stop making this person either the reason for your slump or sadness, effectively (regardless of how painful it would be) you need to take 100% responsibility for your life, from that point you can start changing things.

I started simply, defining key goals that when achieved would bring serious happiness/rewards/motivation/meaning to my life. That's one of the first things I discovered as being important (as we tend to struggle for meaning if we invested so much of our meaning into another person/relationship) for getting out of the slump.

The fact that you're overseas is unfortunate as a large part of my 'just being able to get through it' has been thanks to spending time with other people/friends, even if I wasn't the best company just being around others helped, what are your interests, hobbies, groups you could connect with in this other country?

This too shall pass...believe me

[sarahme]

I just want to reiterate how awesome all of you are. Seriously, I feel lucky that I found this forum! Thank you so much. I already feel "lighter." You've all got me thinking seriously about things I wouldn't normally take the time to dig deep in.

ThoughtAddict
I normally do not fall for someone's sweet words, which are not backed by any actions. On the contrary, I almost always look for "evidence" that this person means what he says...which is not a good quality, I admit, and which I am trying to change. But, in this case, while I am partially to blame, in the sense that I was so pleasantly surprised that I managed to get the attention of someone so successful (career wise and in all the superficial aspects), this person was very skilled at giving you the impression that he genuinely cares. Its actually interesting because you experience a mental paradox almost...your mind is telling you, wait, this person isn't actually doing anything for you, but your heart says, no, give him a chance. The excuse I kept getting was, "be patient with me, I'll focus on you once I sell my company." And thus, I persevered, although I knew that this wasn't right. And somehow, I morphed from someone who took his mind off of work to a burden that was in the way of his work. This is why I "sucked it up" for as long as I did. Before officially terminating things, I actually prayed and had a conversation, if you will, with God. I said, this isn't the way things should be, I am deciding to end it, help me carry this out if its right. And, I have to admit, it was one of the easiest relationships to end in that I didn't have to deal with any "noo, please don't, reconsider." Everytime he would try to contact me after that, I was either sleeping or away from the phone (I actually noticed that bit of irony...made me chuckle). But definitely, a lesson I took from that experience is that I will never allow myself to be marginalized like that again. And you're right, I shouldn't be stuck on this at all because I really tried everything I could to make it work and I can honestly say that I played most of my cards right, it just wasn't meant to be because there is someone out there much better :0) Although, it is tough convincing myself of that...which answers another question you asked.
The scarcity issue, unfortunately, lurks around in my busy mind. I think its because I know too many single women in their 30s who are, quite frankly, bitter. None of my other female friends (who are the same age) are in seirous relationships either. We like to think that its because we move around a lot and we're very focused on completing our education (grad school) and making something of ourselves. I am lucky to say that we are a pretty motivated bunch of girls. But, you brought up a good point that I should focus on. Hows that for some brutally honest analysis? haha.
Your point about the unified vs. diversified self-scema is indeed intriguing. What a great observation. I like how you mentioned the benefits of the unified version. I am still digesting it all.
Oh and in terms of where I live, I will just say that it is in Asia. This place has been making headlines for its outrageous buildings. Its booming now and one key hint is that its known for its superficiality :0) Not many Americans out here though, its too far away. I think I pretty much gave it away.

ChrisAfrica
Thanks for expressing your solidarity on this :0) You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Hearing about your progression regarding you coming out of the "slump" is motivating! Good for you for being proactive about it. Yesterday I started reading Eat Pray Love and its amazing. I couldn't put it down. Definitely a good distraction. But I agree, I need to get out and meet new people here. I just got invited to attend a couple of gatherings this weekend for 4th of July, I think I'll shock everyone and actually go...but make sure that I go with the intention to have fun, not to meet someone!!