Following through on Promises

[James Hayden]

I'm looking for ways to make sure I always do what I say I am going to do.

I find myself promising to do things for people without really thinking about it, and then I usually forget about it until it's too late.

I thought simply writing down things as soon as I promise to do them would be effective, but it's not always possible to write things down, and if I don't write it down immediately I forget to do it later. Even when I write things down, I only follow though half the time, because I also have to be sure to read what I've written before it's too late to follow though.

Another possibility is that I just don't want to do the things I've promised, but even if that were the case, it doesn't exempt me from being good to my word. I've forgotten to do things which were vitally important to myself, as well as fun and exciting, so I don't know to what degree desire factors into this.

I'm don't want to avoid the consequences of my actions. Even if I wanted to, I can't think of a real excuse other than, "I completely forgot". This happens at least once a month or more. I usually handle the situation by kicking myself on the inside. I don't lie or make excuses, but I will apologize so the person doesn't think I did it to hurt them intentionally.

I'm writing this from a lowered emotional state, and I'm sure it comes through, so I apologize for slinging this crap around. I get so disgusted with myself right after it happens, and that is the only time I feel compelled enough to try and change my behavior.

If I am not mistaken, that is similar to how an addiction works?

Is it possible that I am addicted to feeling bad about myself, and forgetting to follow though on my promises is a subconscious routine that I run because I know I can make myself feel really bad about it?

Well, if it is an addiction, then the first step to recovery is recognizing the addiction and admitting it is there.

[Jarrod]

I always carry a notepad in my pocket and write anything down that I say I will do.

Whenever I leave somewhere or arrive I check it.

However my tasks generally have a time frame of do it 'today' or 'day of week'. Not usually, in the next hour etc.

Whenever someone asks me to do something I always pause and consider what sort of load I already have. So always stop and think (or consult your notepad) before you commit.

Try to create a habit of checking the notepad.

Good luck and Smile

[JimOfferman]

Learn to say "no". Only ever say "yes" to a promise you sure you can keep.

Trust me, saying "no" to people isn't half as bad as making a promise and then breaking it...

[dali]

just say no. it will save you from all that self deprication and save them from your neglecting to follow through. only do things you want to do. you dont want to forget so stop doing things that you have the tendency to forget like making promises.no is more honest than yes when it turns out in fact to mean no. best of luck.

[Remiel]

Ditto what they said. Say no. Don't promise unless its something you will keep. Another suggestion of mine is work on obtaining the discipline to get things done. Form a system or something that will work for you that will help you remember what it is you need to do and get it done. I like David Allen's Getting Things Done book.

[Kaspian]

Love yourself enough to make fewer commitments. Only agree or offer to do something you know you really want to do. If you want to, you could experiment with making no commitments to other people. Perhaps a 30-Day No Commitment Trial?

Originally Posted by James Hayden

Is it possible that I am addicted to feeling bad about myself, and forgetting to follow though on my promises is a subconscious routine that I run because I know I can make myself feel really bad about it?

Well, if it is an addiction, then the first step to recovery is recognizing the addiction and admitting it is there.

A couple thoughts on addiction:

If it is an addiction, are you addicted to feeling bad about yourself, or are you addicted to pleasing people in the moment you agree to do something?

A friend and I discussed addiction a couple days ago. She's been working toward understanding addiction lately and had some useful insights. I started by saying that I think we get addicted to things—substances, behaviors, games, emotions, the internet, etc—because we have an unmet need. The addiction tries to fill that need and whets our appetite, but does not fill it. She responded with this: What's underneath the need? At the core, addiction is about not having self respect; it's about not loving and respecting yourself enough to meet the need in a whole, healthy, healing way.

Be more gentle with yourself. Break the pattern that you use to make yourself feel bad. Find a more loving way to motivate yourself to grow and change.