Dissappointed, disgusted with myself

[LifeFirst]

Today I realized that what happened in the last 2 days pretty much explains my entire university career, which wasn't at all pleasant if you ask me.


I am very digusted at myself, more so than ever before. Before I would get mad at myself constantly, but now I'm not even mad. I'm just almost indifferent because this is how I came to be.


What happened was that there was a huge assignment that was due. I wrote a 20+ page paper for my class, it took me a week to do it. I'm not sure if the paper itself is good or not. I worked hard, but I don't know.....at the same time I felt like I have no idea what I'm doing. However, we also had to present our paper in class. Right, we had to present our paper on the same day that we have to turn it in. I don't know how I was going to get this done. I hate presentations with a passion, I just don't like giving them period. I don't know why people need to know what I did.

I was wondering how I could get this presentation done, but at the same time putting the finishing touches on my paper. So sadly, I spent so much time working on the huge paper that I did not have time to prepare for the presentation. I was the ONLY ONE in the entire class who did not present, and I lost points for that. It could mean the difference between passing and failing. I don't know if I'm going to fail this class but.....I think you guys know what I'm saying.


The thing is, I never do what I'm supposed to do. I never get done what I'm supposed to get done. I don't procrastinate, I don't play video games or watch TV or any of that stuff. Most people could finish a paper in 4-5 hours, but it took me days and nights and weeks. But my mind tends to get off track a lot. It doesn't matter if I'm sitting in front of a computer or in front of a wall by myself. I do have heavy problems concentrating, but with all the things that went wrong. That's expected, it's hard to focus when not one aspect of my Life is going well.


Basically, this really just sums up my college career. A lot of people said that failures should be seen as lessons or small steps to success. Well then why hasn't it happened for me? Failures only bring me down more and more. Believe me I have failed nearly everything, but instead of gaining motivation to do well next time I just can't leave the failure behind, it drags me down further and further. It's like an endless hole, I just go down into the depths until there is nothing left. I don't know how I can get that spark. I don't know, hopefully it's different this time. I have nowhere to go....

[norbert]

I noticed that you're talking only about yourself. Perhaps, similarly to me, you need to spend more time with people? Perhaps you need partners for your life, school etc? I think we can get lost in our own thoughts if we spend too much time alone and we tend to become very unfocused because there's little point in doing everything on our own.

[m18pak]

Lifefirst, could you please elaborate a bit more on how you can't concentrate and what normally happens when you sit down to try and work on something?

Is it just the tension? You seem like you're under a lot of pressure right now and it's getting to you.

What do you actually think about when you're supposed to be doing something?

[stevedevane]

I have no way of knowing if this applies to you or not, but I believe that the method of learning generally used in most university settings is not the best method for everyone. In other words, some people learn better in other ways. There are people who don't do well in college who are very successful once they're out.

[sheffy4]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

Most people could finish a paper in 4-5 hours, but it took me days and nights and weeks. But my mind tends to get off track a lot.

Yeah right! Don't be so hard on yourself, and don't assume that every one else thinks writing papers is easy. It's not! I've never written a 20+ page paper in my life, so I think you've accomplished a lot. You say you never do what you are supposed to, but you did write the paper, right? So you did do something you were "supposed" to.
I've been writing a bunch of papers these last two weeks because I'm graduating, and all of these papers are only 5-6 pages in length. On average it takes me 6-7 hours to write a paper, and I usually can't do it all at once because, like you, I am endlessly distracted. So usually it takes 2 or 3 days of writing in chunks until I get it done. So for me at least, I can not write a long paper in 4-5 hours. No way. You are doing great. The reason you probably aren't benefiting from your "failures" is that you don't apply the lessons you learn. I would say the lesson for this time was that you didn't leave yourself enough time to do the paper and the presentation. If you want to benefit from this, you have to learn from it, and change how you do things in the future. So next time, give yourself more time.
And I know it sucks, but if you do fail the class, you can always re-take it (I've done this before)! It's not the end of the world, it's just a bump in the road.

[Tasaio]

You shouldn't feel disgusted--you aren't alone.

You sound exactly like me...back when I was in college. Eventually, I realized that I couldn't concentrate because I didn't want to be at college, doing assignments I was going to be graded on by other people. I wanted to learn at my own pace. I left my degree unfinished, and it was the best thing I ever did.

I'm not sure what major you're in, but it sounds like a Liberal Arts major. If so, I definately recommend you take some time off and reevaluate why you're at college.

Honestly, college may be too structured and limited scope for some people. If you know your passion, and you're 100% committed to converting your vision into your reality, then go for it.

School is a "safety net" you don't need. What will that degree get you? A job which you don't want and credibility which you don't need (in your case).

Ultimately what you'll find is that listening to everyone's perspectives will not change the way you truly feel about the situation. Listen to your own inner voice and make the decision that is best for you and never look back. If it was a mistake, you will find out someday. But you couldn't have figured it out without deciding to drop out in the first place.

(from To Drop out of college and pursue my dream??)

Good luck!

[Revolution]

LifeFirst, How many times have you "felt disgusted" with yourself? Feeling create reality my friend. No doubt you were using that feeling as a motivator to achieve more but I suggest using a more positive motivator.

Secondly, a few other questions come to mind - like are you in the right course - are you really passionate about what you studying? - and you said something in your post about not knowing what you were on about or something like that which raises question like are you too stressed/overwhelmed/pressured or maybe just plain tired?

Thirdly I noticed that you pointed out that you don't watch TV or play computer games but ... well I'm not trying to preach or anything but maybe something like that is EXACTLY what you need - for some humour and relaxation. The other thing about computer games in that they actually HELP with concentration and they can give you a sence of
achievment/accomplishment but without all the stress and worry.
Hope that helps.

[Ralph]

How do you feel about your school assignments?

Because if you think you HAVE to do them, you mentally label them as something you really don't want to do but something or someone forces you to do it. In this case, you're dealing with self-sabotage. You strive for freedom and therefore rebel against the assignment while being forced by your fear (of failing the class or w/e) to do it.

Try to think of it in terms of "I want to". Set a CLEAR goal, the one you're really willing to achieve. For example, if you're studying, try to induce the feeling of curiosity.

If you'll try to force you to do someone, you'll never be fully commited to do it and won't get anywhere near 100% of your current capabilites. If you'll want to do something, you'll commit to it fully.

Also, do something to raise your self-esteem. Negative thinking and limiting beliefs are sabotaging your work.

[ConquerSelf]

Hey, your situation sounds real similar to mine a few months back.

I am recently a two-time college dropout , and life couldn't be better. It just started getting better as of like, one month ago lol. After highschool ('07), I went to University and hated it.

I felt terrible, and everyone seemed smarter than me. I was apathetic, indifferent and depressed. I failed EVERY SINGLE course lmao. I got no credits, whatsoever. I didn't ever watch t.v., fool around with games, or anything like that. At first, when I slept through a class, or failed an assignment, I would be very disappointed as I was only failing myself. But apathy crept in, and then I started to just say, whatever. "I forgot this or that, oh well". I then wasn't so hard on myself. But that mindset is extremely destructive, and a downward spiral occurs.

I'll tell you what though. It was the best experience of my life because it changed my whole thought pattern.

I would spend all my days just reflecting on my thoughts and emotions, why I thought the way I did, etc. But sifting through my thoughts, however random and confusing, gave me clarity.

All I can tell you is that you shouldn't worry about others, because that's what I did. Who cares how long it takes to write a paper, because it is irrelevant. No one person is better than you. You just need to find your strengths and exploit them. People are all the same, no matter how god-like some may seem. Everyone fears, succeeds and fails.

The MOST IMPORTANT thing though, is to be CONFIDENT. It is the cure of all cures. And when you start to truly believe in yourself and what you are capable of, your confidence will soar. I promise you.

Spend so much time on improving yourself compared to YOURSELF, rather than comparing yourself to OTHERS. There is always somebody faster, smarter and stronger.

I hope this helped because I was in a seemingly identical situation just a few months ago. Just enjoy life for what it is, and always work to improve yourself. Be proactive in being the master of your thoughts, because no one else has the power to do just that. Take action on positive thoughts, and you'll find life to be rewarding.

One last thing to remember: Never let anyone tell you what is best for YOU, because they don't have a clue, nor are they in any position to.

Since dropping out, I've started a business and I am really enjoying life by taking it at my own pace. I feel infinitely free, and it's the best I've ever felt. I know you may not feel as opimistic right now, but trust me. I felt the same about 4 months ago. Hang in there, and things will get better. Strive for it. It is possible to turn any situation on a 180 by JUST changing your THOUGHTS.

To help you, this is what helped me:

-Help at least one person throughout the course of a day
-Give yourself a To-Get Done list for the day, and DO it. (you'll feel very productive)
-Make an effort to meet someone new every day
-Give everything your absolute best effort, because what you put in gets multiplied tenfold on the output.

Take care.

[pterodactyl]

You mentioned that you really dislike what you are doing and feel adrift/apathetic. Of course, if you feel that what you are choosing to do is drudgery, you won't perform at your best and, per your anecdote about the presentation, may not perform at all! We innately hate to do what we aren't motivated to do. So what motivates you? What are you passionate about and really want to do? I would suggest spending some time thinking about why you have chosen this path you're presently taking. Perhaps you need to reconsider your major and the types of courses or course load Maybe, since you dislike giving presentations, you should try to choose to take courses where speaking is not a major component of your grade. Alternatively, you could choose to turn a weakness into a strength by working on your presentation skills, talking to good presenters and learning how to build a talk, which are important communication tools in college and beyond. This would require some effort from you but it would be worth it.

Next semester or quarter, sign up for one course that you enjoy and believe you will succeed at. Give yourself a chance to succeed, have one small win to build your confidence. Build enthusiasm and passion about what you are doing. Most of all, be clear about where you are going, why you're going there, and what you can reasonably expect from yourself. Then, just have faith, and demonstrate it to yourself by proving to yourself, first in small ways, and then, once you get momentum, in larger ways, that you CAN succeed. You may need to change direction entirely, or perhaps you just need to tweak your environment and choices you are making a little bit. All is definitely not lost. Just re-evaluate where you are and why, and then put yourself in a position where success is more readily obtained, even if it's small at first. Only you know where those boundaries lie.

Good luck!
Amber

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by Revolution

LifeFirst, How many times have you "felt disgusted" with yourself? Feeling create reality my friend. No doubt you were using that feeling as a motivator to achieve more but I suggest using a more positive motivator.

Pretty much everyday. I mean, at least for the last 4 years I've been here. I always things were going to get better. That I would change. I've tried so hard to change, but in the end things stay the same, I never learn my lessons.


Obviously I need someone to talk to in real life about this. Maybe if there was 1 person, then it would help a lot. But there's no one.

[Rafael Perez]

I'll just go into something here that I am sure you already know. When you can, pay attention to how you talk about yourself internally and externally. This self talk is a constant reminder of who you are. Who you are is who you choose to be at this very moment.

If you feel like the victim you will become the victim. Most people walk around in a reality that stems from society and family in a hopeless state. You feel you have no control over things. You carry on the comments from your parents and friends.

"I am disgusting, I cannot stand myself."

The issue here is not the situation you find yourself in. The situation is there because that is what you believe is what you deserve, because you are just not good enough. This is all a lie.

Please believe me when I say, you are perfection under all the lies you have told yourself in order to justify beliefs other than perfection.

You are perfect, you are in control, change your belief of who you are and become perfection... Stay away from negative self talk.

You are amazing, you are perfect, you are great...

[LifeFirst]

Deep in my heart I want to get a degree in college. But I'm just going about it the wrong way.

[LifeFirst]

Well, I had 2 final exams today in succession.



Um, I knew I had to do well in the first one so I can have good confidence to do the 2nd exam. I got the first exam, it was easy, so you would think I had did well right? Wrong, I lost 50 points off the exam. I know it because there were two simple problems that accounted for 50 points. I studied so hard for this exam, but in the end it was the same as if I hadn't studied. The two problems were simple, went over my head, I knew I saw them, but didn't think that they would be on the test. Didn't even THINK of it. And I had no clue what the answers were.


So the second final exam was right after the first one. I didn't even feel like going, felt so horrible. I went, but half an hour late. I didn't care at this point. The exam was easier than the assignments, you would think I could do it. Nope, had no idea how to do them. My mind crashed, the problems were easy. I sat there thinking it would come to me, but it never came. I'm still waiting for it come to me. And I still don't know.


For all the hard work, what do I get in return? Nothing. Not a degree, not a good grade, not a scholarship. No, just failing grades, and more failing grades.


I'm extremely frustrated right now and I have to take it out on something. I can't have this pain in me, I have to get it out someway.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by m18pak

Lifefirst, could you please elaborate a bit more on how you can't concentrate and what normally happens when you sit down to try and work on something?

Is it just the tension? You seem like you're under a lot of pressure right now and it's getting to you.

What do you actually think about when you're supposed to be doing something?

I didn't feel this way the beginning of the semester for some odd reason. Because there was no pressure and I actually got some reading done. But as it went on, and when there was more work around, the pressure was ridiculous. I had to tell myself to "focus" all day everyday. I couldn't stop telling myself this, because if I did my mind would wonder. And it would too, automatically by habit. When I'm sitting in class trying so hard to listen to the professor, I would write down everything he said, but it didn't work. My mind would still have a plan of its own.

When I sat down to do homework, I would have to sit there and force myself into it. It would take about 10 minutes of me just sitting there staring at the paper or the computer screen before I can really get into it. And I couldn't even get into it for very long, my mind would zap out of it by itself. It's a terrible, frustrating feeling to have.