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Welcome to the Personal Development for Smart People Forums, the place for lively, intelligent discussion of all personal growth issues -- physical, mental, financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and more. You're currently viewing as a guest, which gives you limited read-only access. By joining our free community, you'll be able to post your own messages, access many members-only features, see the new messages posted since your last visit, and of course remove this header message. Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please join today. If you arrived here from a search engine, you may want to explore the main site first, which includes hundreds of deep and insightful articles on a variety of personal development topics. |
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04-28-2008, 11:17 PM
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 Rant + Advice please.. Hello All, I'd appreciate if anybody can be bothered reading and responding to this. I'm a bit lost. It's been about 3 years since I discovered personal development and have applied what I have learnt to the best I can. It's been a strenuous journey so far (which is to be expected and I don't mind) but I'm beginning to loose patience with myself because I'm always going through ups and downs (which is neither a problem) just that the downs are an awful lot longer than the ups! (generally speaking one good month, then a couple of 'bad' months) The amount of turning points I've had where I though 'This is it! The solution to my fundamental problem/block' The amount of times I've discovered a new article or tried a new NLP technique, or build my discipline over from scratch, over and over -is uncountable. I feel I've just reached a point of not caring anymore, im just running in circles, I get angry that I can't take persistent action! I do something about it, but only for so long, the longest I've held out straight is 1 month and within that one month everything feels really great, I'm happy, I'm content, I'm disciplined, hardworking, progressing and then something happens ranging from minor things like being generally lazy or something bigger like getting over a breakup. Lol, right all of that might not make much sense, I think I'd best give some background. I know what it is I want from life, I know what I want to do, I have goals I'm very passionate about, I am emotionally and intellectually motivated and am happy guy, my life's circumstances are actually great, I have the privilage to attend college in a foreign country and earn a degree, I've got a family that's living on scraps but is still financing my living here. In summary my circumstances are actually pretty good, emotionally, physically, life etc. And yet I can't seem to get my sorry ass in gear on a really CONSISTENT basis! And it's making me really, really angry. at myself more than anything. I know I can do this, I've believe in myself, I have many doubts, but ever since I've discovered self-discipline I knew I could achieve anything I wanted. But I'm just running in circles, I'm super-disciplined, motivated and it makes me really really happy and content to see that I'm getting somewhere in life. And then SLAM it's all back to the usual master-procrastinator gabriel and my life goes down the pan for a couple of months where I just skim by mediocrely through everything and I'm tired and sick of it....I'm loosing the will to care... I'm just really sick of it! I want to take persistant action to get what I want from life and more importantly become a better person and help others. It feels like I've lost the will to care... Sometimes I think it's 'cause I don't get much physical activity (although i walk a lot) sometimes I think it's outer circumstances...I dunno....I'm just sick of seeing life fly by... I try to live by 'Stick to the fight when you're hardest hit, it's when things get worst you musn't quit' but now it feels like life is just laughing at me saying 'what a looser, he thinks he's actually gonna get somewhere' I mean it's been 3 years! That's not exactly a short period of time to get your life on tracks! I don't seem to get anywhere, well no that's an exaggeration...maybe I'm just feeding my mind with wrong things the whole time, I've read and watched a lot about the upcoming 'World Government', the Bilderberg Group and the likes, say conspiracy as much as you like, the evidence is pretty rock solid in my opinion....maybe I've given up? maybe I'm taking the worlds weight on my shoulders? I feel sorta responsible for all of it, like I should be out there doing something about it or should be educating myself to be able to do so in future, but instead I'm just passively absorbing information and am studying an art degree, I mean what the hell? some inconsistencies here! I know it's not a kick in the backside I need, it's not to have someone motivate me, I think my problem is something very fundamental and I can't seem to get down to the core of it... Shortly off topic: I was really happy when the forum was launched, but I'm feeling I'm using it more than anything, whereever I look to contribute in one way or another I always find someone else has already said what I wanted to say or I simply don't feel right to be giving advice over something I haven't even achieved myself yet, it seems hypocritical. I want to contribute in one way or another but I wouldn't know with what, I'm not the type of person visit forums regularly either because I find myself wasting a lot of time.. Anyway...hope someone can help..it's crazy normally when I'd write something like this I'd feel a lot of emotion welling up, because I'm expressing what's disturbing me...I hardly feel anything now, maybe I just don't care...or maybe it's 'cause it's a little late...dunno Any advice would be very much appreciated, Thank you.      |
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04-28-2008, 11:21 PM
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| Hi, you used NLP technique and what other stuff on your journey of personal development? As you say, NLP is nothing but a technique, not a solution, like Photoreading, it gives you lot of hope, and let you disappointed. You might have just not found what you need yet. But you will soon. Tell me what you have used/read for the moment. Cheer up! |
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04-28-2008, 11:26 PM
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| Have you read Steve's Blog about the Anatomy of Change? That one really struck a great chord with me. I, too, have had a go at things, lasted for a bit, and fallen. But, you know, that's LIFE, isn't it? So why not give ourselves a break and stop beating ourselves up? We are works-in-progress. (where did I read that????) You do learn each time. You do grow each time. I had a tough few months this winter when life just kinda sucked. I thought I went all the way backwards, but upon reflection I see that is not true at all! I am still way better off than I was five-ten years ago. And so are you! Go easy on yourself and celebrate your triumphs (I am sure you have plenty)!
__________________ Life Less Distracted: my quest for a life less distracted. (I am not a writer, I am just journalling my journey) |
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04-28-2008, 11:35 PM
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| I know from my part that I have found a global, final, solution, which is The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey, who focuses on the character ethic: " The character ethic taught that there are basic principles of effective living, and that people can only experience true success and enduring happiness as they learn and integrate these principles into their basic character. But shortly after World War I the basic view of success shifted from the character ethic to what we might call the personality ethic. This personality ethic essentially took two paths: one was human and public relations techniques, and the other was positive mental attitude (PMA). Some of this philosophy was expressed in inspiring and sometimes valid maxims such as [...] "Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve. Other parts of the personality approach were clearly manipulative, even deceptive, encouraging people to use techniques to get other people to like them, or to fake interest in the hobbies of others to get out of them what they wanted, or to use the "power look," or to intimidate their way through life. Some of this literature acknowledged character as an ingredient of success, but tended to compartmentalize it rather than recognize it as foundational and catalytic. Reference to the character ethic became mostly lip service; the basic thrust was quick-fix influence techniques, power strategies, communication skills, and positive attitudes. " " The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey You may have encountered a lot of attractive solutions before (NLP, Subliminal blabla, LOA...), but they are all focusing only on the personality ethic, you want to focus on your character ethic first. Then you can focus on your personality ethic. But you need to build a solid base around yourself first. " If I try to use human influence strategies and tactics of how to get other people to do what I want, to work better, to be more motivated, to like me and each other -- while my character is fundamentally flawed, marked by duplicity and insincerity -- then, in the long run, I cannot be successful. My duplicity will breed distrust, and everything I do -- even using so-called good human relations techniques -- will be perceived as manipulative. It simply makes no difference how good the rhetoric is or even how good the intentions are; if there is little or no trust, there is no foundation for permanentsuccess. Only basic goodness gives life to technique. " The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey But be aware, it is a long run fight. After 3 years of deception, you know that, I garantee you that this book won't deceive you. " Did you ever consider how ridiculous it would be to try to cram on a farm -- to forget to plant in the spring, play all summer and then cram in the fall to bring in the harvest? The farm is a natural system.The price must be paid and the process followed. You always reap what you sow; there is no shortcut. " The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey I won't copy paste the whole book, but it provides a global solution, which I embrace and use and test, I've been working on the first and third habit, I'm focusing on the second now, I have never been deceived and everyday I feel more proactive, and more stable. I can't wait to masterize the 3 first habits (personnal victory), to attack the 3 next (public victory). Search on Google, wikipedia etc... Good luck on your journey! Last edited by maxdof : 04-28-2008 at 11:39 PM. |
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04-29-2008, 12:03 AM
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| Wow, that was really quick! Thanks guys! @maxdof: I've listened to a lot of tapes and read a couple of books and many articles ranging from tony robbins, george zalucki, Noah St. John and Steve ofcourse (which to be fair has helped the most) I have read the 7 habits of highly effective people but I realised I didn't know how to make them habits so I started with self-discipline, 30 day trials etc and kind of branched more into life purpose, goals, plans, visualizing and so on. I never really looked back into Covey. What I focus on most though are my goals and what I want, not so much personal changes (I feel they will follow automatically) I'm not looking for quick fixes or off the back solutions, but I do hope for atleast some form of solid foundation I can build upon after 3 years. On a side note, what disappointed you about photoreading? I'm really intrigued because I was going to order a set soon. How are things working out for you with the habits if I can ask? How long have you been working on them? What do you aspire to achieve? What is your approach to integrating them into your character/habits? Do you apply one of the habits for 30 days, like a trial? Oh, I forgot to mention this, (think it might help) I always try take a gradual approach, like building disicpline, I start off with focusing on college, then after I feel I'm doing that successfully I move onto doing 2 hours of drawing daily as well, then languages, etc. So it's a real pain the back side when it all goes down hill, because essentially I start from scratch again. @jawillie: I see where you're coming from and I agree, I most certainly have learnt and have grown in one way or another and have also been very patient with myself. But at some point I'm just like 'what the hell!!?' because I might be moving forward in one way or another slowly but surely, but I'm not getting what I want from life or am not becoming the person I want to be, I don't want to settle for what life throws at me just because it does, I want to shape my own future. I'll have a look at the article you suggested. |
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04-29-2008, 09:16 AM
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| Gabriel! I´ll be quick (so you don´t waste your time  and straight forward with you - what you are experiencing is the panic barrier. You´ve set your goals and everything is fine, but every time you seem to move towards your goals you hit this mental barrier. It has many ways to express itself; you might feel that your goals are stupid, that you lack talent, discipline, or time/money. You might feel physical ill, tired, or emotional "dead". All this is normal. It´s your sub-conscious mind - your programming, habits, conditioned thinking - that wants to stop you from changing. Ask yourself this: What can you do this week that will bring you closer to your goal(s)? The thing that you up until now have avoided with so many creative excuses? Don´t care what you feel about doing it. Just make a decision and act - even if the panic hits you. And do this over and over again. Eventually you WILL crash through the Panic Barrier. Off course you´ll meet another one, but at least you are moving forward! that´s all - good luck 
__________________ The next generation in personal fulfillment - http://www.peak22.com |
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04-29-2008, 01:39 PM
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| Hi Kika, What you've said seems to make quite some sense, it does sort of feel like that, like I'm hitting a form of barrier and things seem to go downhill from there onwards (out of whatever reason) What is your experience with these 'panic barriers'? What did you overcome? And HOW do you do it (in terms of mental approach) I personally never feel like I'm panicking, I just kinda of let go of things, but not consciously, it just happens and voila, a week later I find I've done next to nothing without even noticing it! I'm not sure whether I understood you correctly, but do you mean once you've pulled through one barrier, there's always another, but that you've become stronger by then so that the with each barrier your break through you're gaining strength as well? But as you say 'Itīs your sub-conscious mind - your programming, habits, conditioned thinking - that wants to stop you from changing' -thats what it very much feels like, like I've never truly made a shift or a fundamental change, like something's always held me back. |
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04-29-2008, 08:21 PM
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| From one of Wayne Dyer's CDs, which he did along with Byron Katie, I heard a similar question. The questioner expressed disappointment at not being able to maintain the "high" that she initially experienced after her introduction to personal development and the law of attraction. She was worried that she had "failed." Dr. Dyer's very reassuring response was that while we are inhabiting our physical body and living in this physical reality, such is life. There will always be ups and downs. He experiences them. Byron Katie experiences them. Everyone does. I don't think the problem is so much the down periods as much as how you handle the down times. My response to a period of being down, be it either encountering serious difficulties or just "feeling low," is to acknowledge that I'm in a down period, but to not dwell on it. Just as surely as I know I'm in a valley, I know that another mountain top is just ahead |
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04-29-2008, 08:47 PM
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| Hi Cloud, Your short but thought-provoking idea has got me questioning myself again. I have wondered about the 'why?' and have set up a general life purpose which does move me and somewhat inspire me, however the reason I do what I do or chase the goals I want is because I'm passionate about them, I love drawing, I want to do it professionally. I love languages, I want to graduate with an degree, I want to improve my financial situation because I want to do things, support things, invest, contribute etc. And I want to prove myself to my family and friends. I'm not sure what more reasons one needs to have...I think there is enough why behind what I'm doing...I think..? dunno is that enough? |
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04-29-2008, 08:56 PM
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| Hi Ree, I couldn't agree more with what you wrote and I'm willing to accept that there will be downs, but I'm having downs 70% of the time and I can't imagine that being right. Or is it normal? I'm familiar with Coveys airplane analogy, that it is of course for the best part of the time and that readjusting it is necessary, but it feels more like I've swerved to 45° angle of the course and only notice and do something about it once it's pretty late in the game (a couple of months) I'm sure successful people have more up than down times, I'd want to know how they do it and try model it. |
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04-29-2008, 10:15 PM
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| Quote:
I get the impression from your post, from its breathless, desperate, frantic quality, that you need to relax and rebalance. You might be trying too hard. Maybe you should flush all this excessive concern with "personal development" and relax and enjoy things. Check into Taoism or something. Maybe give all your "personal development" books away. There are many stories of people on a frantic search who achieved enlightenment after they gave up the search. Really, your concern might be excessive, unbalanced, which might be the source of your problem. |
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04-29-2008, 11:03 PM
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I know this about myself..... in the past, before PD, when I encountered a difficult situation, I used to obsess over how to resolve it, to the point where I couldn't sleep at night and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I no longer do that. Now, I say to myself that I KNOW the solution will come..... and without fail it always has. I think with my obsessing and worrying and fretting, I would convince myself that my problem was insurmountable, and it became so for me. Most of the time, the worst case scenario that I was sooooooo concerned about never happened anyway! And I had wasted so much time fretting! Hope this helps you. Try looking at this problem from all different angles to see if there are other ways to interpret what is happening in your life. Another suggestion: Have you tried The Work by Byron Katie? What is The Work of Byron Katie? |
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04-29-2008, 11:24 PM
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| Hello NickW, Yes, I am at this point frantic and desperate for that matter, however I never forget to relax and enjoy life, no matter the circumstance. However I'm most relaxed during my ups; things run smoothly, easily and my life feels very balanced and that is what I'd like to achieve on a more consistent basis. Thanks though |
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04-30-2008, 12:25 AM
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| Ree, You've made an interesting point, I suppose to a degree I do focus on the down side, but what is more I'm beginning to think that it might be a negative belief I hold about myself, maybe that I'm bound to have downs that last a long time or maybe on some form of deeper level that I won't make it or maybe even don't deserve to? My life has been filled with failures, and I say failures because I feel I didn't learn much out of them (or reap the potential reward) or even better said, I rarely completed something, I've always had a big mouth as to what I want to do, but I've rarely ever gone through with it and thus I've built a reputation of being enthusiastic and excited about things but rarely following through, not walking the talk. And I REALLY want to change that. I had major problems at school over all the years I attended and didn't complete my education, in a sense I feel that there might be a deep belief within me that I can't accomplish things, that I can't finish things, that I'm a failure, that no matter how hard I try or what I do I'll always fall flat in front of my goal. I think that school sub-consciously pounded that into me. That is why my PD is so important to me, it proved me otherwise, it showed me I could do it, I'm just struggling now because it's an issue that has remained unresolved for a long period of my, actually so far, short life. I've heard about the Lefkoe techniques which I'm very interested in, but of course cannot afford, so I'd appreciate if anybody might know other techniques to unroot beliefs and 'reinstall' new ones, just not in a superficial manner. I'm looking into Byron Katie, thanks. |
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04-30-2008, 01:02 AM
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| Quote:
The things you wrote, that you're a failure, that you can't finish things, et cetera, are statements you've probably been making about yourself for as long as you can remember. These statements probably run through your mind constantly without your even being conscious of them. But are they true? Or have you just trained yourself to believe them? And you're right about these beliefs about ourselves being pounded into us. It happens many many different ways -- school, church, parents, siblings, peers. Obviously, you are questioning and seeking and that's what you should be doing now. It's an exciting time when you first discover that maybe your "story" isn't what you've always thought it was. No doubt you are on your way to finding that out for yourself! |
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04-30-2008, 07:17 AM
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| Hi Gabriel, My experience with this panic barrier (also called The Terror Barrier by some is not panic either. I just suddenly feel myself thinking negative about something that would bring me closer to my dreams and goals, something I am truly passionate about. I´ve been working in the field of performing arts for years - living my passion. But whenever someone or something gave me an idea that included stepping out of my comfort zone -let´s say going to an audition for a company I could not believe I could ever be working for - I would just let that audition pass. Forgetting the date, being too busy with other things, feeling not in shape etc. Sometimes I can get really sceptic to great ideas that would take me in big leaps forward, those sort of things. Now I´ve learned that to grow means stretching and sometimes feel a bit (or alot ) uncomfortable for a short period of time (when crashing through the barrier). The comfort zone is an illusion. Nothing is static, everything is constantly changing - but most people would fight for their lifes rather than leave this place of "safety". Successfull people do what other people don´t bother to do, or dare to do.I´ll try to be short and sweet without being superficial in my advise here... There are millions techniques for you to try out there, when it comes to reprogramming your sub-conscious mind, witch is you greatest weapon when it comes to crashing through these panic barriers. I advise you to get an overview picture of how your mind works (I can send you a pdf with a grafic illustration?), and then seperate YOU from your old conditioned thinking. Your conditioned thinking and limiting belifs are not something you´ve chosen. It has been impressed upon your mind from a very early age, from society and people around you. You want to change you say. Well, you have to change your beliefs, because they control your behaviour and they keep you where you are! Write down the beliefs you know are not serving you on your way to become a great drawer and a person with exellent language skills etc. Whenever these limiting thoughts pops up in your mind you recognize them, you know what they are and you ignore them. IT IS QUITE SIMPLE. Then, on the other hand, write down your new beliefs, those you choose for yourself. What kind of person you are (i.e an action taker, creative, passionate, brilliant artist etc) , how you express your passion ( i.e. “seek ways to make my drawings visible to the world”), how you live your life (i.e. “use every day to express more of who I am, I take care of my body, I study, I travel to interesting places” etc). Write what you want, what you desire, write as much as you want. Then read it over an look for key words and phrases. Keep these new beliefs in your mind, say them out load, and nurture them with your attention as often as possible. It is important that you write these beliefs in present tense(I am...). The cool thing with the sub-conscious mind is that it can´t differenciate between fantacy and reality, it will eventually believe you! What you are doing is that you impress new ideas and beliefs onto you sub-conscious mind, over and over again. When they becomes fixed there it´s done. It´s reprogrammed. And you will start to act differently almost automatically, according to your new beliefs. New actions gives new results. All this is very simple. Not easy, but simple. You have allready made up your mind to change – now is action time Gabriel. Remember, you only have to until you want to, then you don´t have to anymore All my best, Kika – from the other side of the planet, I think?
__________________ The next generation in personal fulfillment - http://www.peak22.com |
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04-30-2008, 11:09 AM
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| @ Ree: What is your experience with changing your beliefs? Do you use the techniques that Byron Katie suggests? I've partially read 'The Millionaire Course' by Marc Allen and it has helped me a lot with the areas of goal setting and planning, I never really read the chapter on changing beliefs though, maybe I should have a look into it, I remember skimming over it and the technique seemed similar to the one of Byron Katie; source the limiting beliefs and change them through affirmations. @ Kaki: An overview of seeing how my mind works sounds great! my email and skype details are in my profile, cheers mate. How has the approach you've taken worked for you so far? Have you made life changing turn-arounds with the help of belief changing? A thing that's bothering me is that I can already feel that there are MANY limiting beliefs I have and I'm wondering how healthy/good is it to try change them all at once? Is there a certain amount I should start with? Or should I take an approach like this? I'm actually closer than the other side of the planet, I'm living in Newcastle in the UK, you're next-door neighbour  Thanks for the advice so far, I'm going to look into it right away. Last edited by Gabriel.B : 04-30-2008 at 11:12 AM. |
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04-30-2008, 03:47 PM
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| This may be way out in left field, but I seem to sense that this falling back and procrastination might be stemming from, not your goals and desires, but the source from where they come from. The goal might be very motivating and fill you with passion, but I think something deeper is telling you that they aren't quite right for you, or maybe even though they are right, but right for a different reason. I think this reason could be your values. You know what you want out of life, and you know your goals, but do you know what is most dear and important to you? I think the methods of reaching your goals is stepping over something even more important to your fundamental self and this is causing you to hesitate. In fact the direct line was this one: Quote:
The article of Steve's that would help the most would probably be How to discover your life purpose in about 20 minutes closely followed by Motivation for Smart People. I think you were spot on when you said it's something deeper, something at the core. Just keep looking, exploring and writing down what you find. |
