Confidence: How do you find it?

[mercuryrising]

If there was something I could change about myself, I would like to be more confident.

I am pretty knowledgeable in different areas, but I have a hard time admitting that to someone. I don't want to come off like I'm bragging.

Or someone will ask me about something and I'll give a non-committed answer, just in case I happen to be wrong.

I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on how I could become more confident.

Thanks

[Real Subliminal]

To quote you:

"Instead of starting with wanting a million dollars, start with
believing you are a millionaire. How does a millionaire think? What
does a millionaire do? The process of learning the millionaire mindset
would come through normal lines of investigation, but eventually your
reality would conform to what you believe."

I truly believe confidence is the same. If you act confident, people will view you confidently, and eventually you really will be confident.

Think of the analogy of the energetic toddler who is full of confidence - his confidence is not ego based (based, on knowledge, success, or achievement etc), but simply based on natural self esteem. A toddler is not afraid of social boundries, not afraid to speak his mind, not afraid to interact socially etc.

As we age then our egos come into play, and we are aware of how other people view us, and our confidence will be shaped more by our egos... to be really confident you need to let go of your ego - not be worried to voice your opinion in fear of if you will be accepted for example.

There does not have to be a reason for confidence, simply value yourself as a human being, speak your mind because what you have to say is worth listening to, walk tall, and act confident, and eventually this behaviour will be second nature to you, you will be "naturally" confident again.

Dan

[maxdof]

Read the Seven Habits of Stephen Covey and apply the first one, Be Proactive.
You can read Neil Strauss too.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by Real Subliminal

To quote you:

"Instead of starting with wanting a million dollars, start with
believing you are a millionaire. How does a millionaire think? What
does a millionaire do? The process of learning the millionaire mindset
would come through normal lines of investigation, but eventually your
reality would conform to what you believe."

I truly believe confidence is the same. If you act confident, people will view you confidently, and eventually you really will be confident.

Think of the analogy of the energetic toddler who is full of confidence - his confidence is not ego based (based, on knowledge, success, or achievement etc), but simply based on natural self esteem. A toddler is not afraid of social boundries, not afraid to speak his mind, not afraid to interact socially etc.

As we age then our egos come into play, and we are aware of how other people view us, and our confidence will be shaped more by our egos... to be really confident you need to let go of your ego - not be worried to voice your opinion in fear of if you will be accepted for example.

There does not have to be a reason for confidence, simply value yourself as a human being, speak your mind because what you have to say is worth listening to, walk tall, and act confident, and eventually this behaviour will be second nature to you, you will be "naturally" confident again.

Dan

Thanks, Dan. God forbid I take my own medicine

I like your analogy. Perhaps it could be said that the ego is nothing more or less than the conditioning that has been programmed into us by experience/family/society. That would explain why we do not have one from birth (or, at least, not an active one).

Originally Posted by maxdof

Read the Seven Habits of Stephen Covey and apply the first one, Be Proactive.
You can read Neil Strauss too.

Neil Strauss... one of my top ten favorite books of all time. I was just downloading some seduction material. It's been a while since I was into all that. I've been going back to it because it motivated me to become a better person.

Thanks for the suggestion.

[ZHereford]

Hi Mercuryrising,

There is much more to building self-confidence than often meets the eye. I wrote an article on it recently which touches upon some of the points you might want to consider: How To Build Self-Confidence.

I hope it helps!

[vapourmile]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

If there was something I could change about myself, I would like to be more confident.

I am pretty knowledgeable in different areas, but I have a hard time admitting that to someone. I don't want to come off like I'm bragging.

Or someone will ask me about something and I'll give a non-committed answer, just in case I happen to be wrong.

I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on how I could become more confident.

Thanks

Every time you dare yourself to no longer shy away from the issue and press forward.

[maxdof]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

Neil Strauss... one of my top ten favorite books of all time. I was just downloading some seduction material. It's been a while since I was into all that. I've been going back to it because it motivated me to become a better person.

Thanks for the suggestion.

I think it will develop my social skills x 1000
Though Neil Strauss, The Game, is more for the story. To apply the stuff, other readings are recommanded.

[maxdof]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

Or someone will ask me about something and I'll give a non-committed answer, just in case I happen to be wrong.

You can answer by another question that can lead to the answer. You can say,
- "I don't know, but I think Joe does", and call Joe.
- "I don't know and I don't care: why anyone in the world would want to know that???"
- "Maybe it is...", "I'm not sure but...", "If..."

These are the three techniques I use a lot, but the second

I use a lot of "maybe" actually when I know I'm more than 90% right but I want the other people to check by herself, I do that a lot with my subordinates. They know there is 95% chance I'm right, but the decision based of the information is on their hands, they better check! Or ask another question (I actually make them "answer by another question that can lead to the answer") to make me validate when I see they have understood.

If you want to give an answer but you might be wrong, you can say "I might be wrong, but..."

[vitalsparx]

It's actually ok to be wrong about something

Everyone gets it wrong from time to time. We just prefer to let others believe we are right 100% of the time

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by maxdof

I think it will develop my social skills x 1000
Though Neil Strauss, The Game, is more for the story. To apply the stuff, other readings are recommanded.

I thought Swingcat has the best e-book.

I like the Juggler and Zan just because they seem like the kind of guy I could see myself being. Mentors, you might say.

RSD guys are the most motivated people on the planet.

And this guy here blew my mind.

I stopped reading and studying a lot of this stuff after I got a girlfriend. Which is kind of sad because I started to return to old AFC habits. This may have a lot to do with my lack of confidence. hmmm....

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by maxdof

You can answer by another question that can lead to the answer. You can say,
- "I don't know, but I think Joe does", and call Joe.
- "I don't know and I don't care: why anyone in the world would want to know that???"
- "Maybe it is...", "I'm not sure but...", "If..."

These are the three techniques I use a lot, but the second

I have to say, I'm fond of the second. LOL. Thank you for the suggestion.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by vapourmile

Every time you dare yourself to no longer shy away from the issue and press forward.

You know, I've often thought that if I just kept trying something until I got it right instead of trying to find the right way without trying I would be a lot further along in life. Thanks.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Hi Mercuryrising,

There is much more to building self-confidence than often meets the eye. I wrote an article on it recently which touches upon some of the points you might want to consider: How To Build Self-Confidence.

I hope it helps!

Thank you. Very comprehensive site. I like how you have it set up and I'll be back to read some more. I'm not able to get your book at this time, but I clicked on some google things and searched for the word confidence through the search bar. I'm offering my 2 cents, literally.

I came upon the wikipedia page for confidence it begins:

Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain, either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct, or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective given the circumstances.

I immediately thought that it is more important that you are certain of your beliefs than it is what your beliefs actually are. Obviously, if you are going to be certain about it, choosing the right beliefs is paramount. But even the best belief system in the world is fruitless without certainty.

[evelynlim]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

I don't want to come off like I'm bragging.

I think you won't come off like you're bragging if you present yourself as sharing information. Hence, choice of words, your tone and body language is important.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

Or someone will ask me about something and I'll give a non-committed answer, just in case I happen to be wrong.

We beat ourselves so much that we now fear making mistakes. Even if you realise you make a mistake, ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? Also, when you do find yourself making one, adopt the perspective that mistakes are really opportunities for you to learn something new.

Evelyn

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

Thank you. Very comprehensive site. I like how you have it set up and I'll be back to read some more.

Thanks mercuryrising for reading it and I sincerely hope it gives you something to work with and build on!

[jaideepv1234]

hi,i m Dr.jaideep,just joined this forum,about confidence raising,i m also facing the same problem like u.but earlier it was much more but now a days i m gaining the confidence.i used this affirmation techniques,and tell u it really works.only one needs to be very sinscere about that.just try this out for 15 days very hardly and u will find the very good results.i m sure for that.but dont keep any expextation that it will happened in 1 week.thats all.u need to say ur seelf that u r feeling confident.it must be in state like u have achieved that.like ''i m confident'' dont use word 'no,never'.pls take care.

[hkalchemy]

You have to stop worrying about what other people think. You do your best, you know you are capable, and that's all anyone could ask. If you care too much about other people's opinions, you'll never really be confident.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

If there was something I could change about myself, I would like to be more confident.
I am pretty knowledgeable in different areas, but I have a hard time admitting that to someone. I don't want to come off like I'm bragging.
Or someone will ask me about something and I'll give a non-committed answer, just in case I happen to be wrong.
I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on how I could become more confident.

IMO confidence may not be the ideal goal. Confidence is related to pride, and we all know what pride leads to.

It sounds like what you really need is to be at peace with the idea that you'll be wrong sometimes. Some people even go beyond that to actually enjoy their mistakes because of what they learn from them (I haven't got that far yet ).

Similarly, sharing knowledge needn't be arrogant. "Ooh, I heard this cool idea the other day that might help with that" isn't self-aggrandisement - it's just offering information you have, not showing off.

[maxdof]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

I have to say, I'm fond of the second. LOL. Thank you for the suggestion.

Can work being cocky and funny.
Of course you need some confidence, which you will develop in the first habit of the seven habits (Be Proactive)

[maxdof]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

I thought Swingcat has the best e-book.

I like the Juggler and Zan just because they seem like the kind of guy I could see myself being. Mentors, you might say.

RSD guys are the most motivated people on the planet.

And this guy here blew my mind.

I stopped reading and studying a lot of this stuff after I got a girlfriend. Which is kind of sad because I started to return to old AFC habits. This may have a lot to do with my lack of confidence. hmmm....

We could share about this on a more appropriate forum... or pm me.
Cheers

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by hkalchemy

You have to stop worrying about what other people think. You do your best, you know you are capable, and that's all anyone could ask. If you care too much about other people's opinions, you'll never really be confident.

I was considering the belief, "I don't care what anyone thinks about me." For some people, I think there would be a problem of egotism. I would have a long way to go before I got there.

Thank you for the suggestion and I like your website.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by Keith

IMO confidence may not be the ideal goal. Confidence is related to pride, and we all know what pride leads to.

It sounds like what you really need is to be at peace with the idea that you'll be wrong sometimes. Some people even go beyond that to actually enjoy their mistakes because of what they learn from them (I haven't got that far yet ).

Similarly, sharing knowledge needn't be arrogant. "Ooh, I heard this cool idea the other day that might help with that" isn't self-aggrandisement - it's just offering information you have, not showing off.

You make a good point. Pride cometh before a fall and God knows I've fallen more than once. I would say there are times where I should have said something or given something a shot and I didn't. That not only robs me of oppurtunity, it also robs others of the indirect benefits.

[blazer1]

confidence of course is a state of mind, a state of mind which can be derived through physical means. confidence refers to the belief you can achieve a given challenge. confidence is a feeling which can be recalled, the more you feel this feeling of confidence, the more lucid your recollection of it is.

therefore the more things you practice and perfect, the more confident you will feel. the more seconds you live feeling confident, the easier it gets to recall this feeling of confidence.


in other words- find a hobby, practice, and become confident in it. find another, such as an instrument, sport, education, practice, perfect it - and become confident in it. and continue, until confidence in things is all you know.

[moriez]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

If there was something I could change about myself, I would like to be more confident.

I am pretty knowledgeable in different areas, but I have a hard time admitting that to someone. I don't want to come off like I'm bragging.

Or someone will ask me about something and I'll give a non-committed answer, just in case I happen to be wrong.

I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on how I could become more confident.

Thanks

Hi. Well ill be damned. I am in the same situation and I am sure sooo many others with us. I think first of all you have to acknowledge and accept the fact that your confidence is not the greatest. Its a weak spot. Everybody has several weak spots and this is one of yours (and mine for that matter). Second of all, now that I start to think of it, I ask myself what is so bad about that? Would it be appropriate to say you are not confident when you have to interact with people? Big deal. You are probably strong in other areas, right?! I believe that you cannot have everything. You are born with certain core characteristics and after your child and adolescent years you cannot change them too much in my opinion. Well, maybe a bit and for some even substantially. I guess that depends on how much work you put into it and what works for you. Personally I have reached the stage where I am trying to just accept who I am with every flaw and every gift that is me. That is incredibly hard enough. Could this work for you?

Edit: I have been thinking about this and like to add that I have been working on my confidence for about 10 years until this very day. Looking back over that time I definitely notice an improvement eventhough its still pretty thin. Let me just clarify that it is without a doubt worth working on. My initial post might have given the impression that its just the way it is. No sirree!

[Just a Thought]

A quick lookup for confidence: the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust. Rewording your original question based on this definition yields:

"I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on how I could increase my belief that I can rely on myself?"

It seems like this should work as a simple substitution--substituting the word for the definition in a clearly reasonable situation would lend itself towards an identical question. But here, it seems to lend itself towards a superficially different question--How can I rely on myself? But in essence is it not the same question? Perhaps I could ask: How can you rely on yourself to be a better conversationalist?

This new question has three parts to it in my world: having the ability, and having the knowledge, and knowing oneself. The first two I daresay you have covered, and is about as far as most motivational posters go...

You have the knowledge, you have the ability, Go out and do it!

But often left out is the later. The biggest issue I have ever found in having confidence is not knowing myself. I may enter a conversation, and find that I don't know myself:

What do I really think about this?
Do I really care?
Why bother?

Knowing yourself, knowing why you care, why you want to contribute, why you don't want to come off like you're bragging--why you want to be more confident--is the key to being able to rely on yourself. So do some soul searching and find out what you want and why you want it.

There is one thing that never goes away, never hides, and most surely will never do so: you. Who you are cannot be changed by anyone other than you. People may not like you for you, but what are they worth to you?

So next time you head into a conversation always know that you know yourself. Understand that they are talking to you, and that they wish to know about you--the same person they saw yesterday, and the same personal they will see tomorrow.

Just think about the overwhelming confidence inherent in the fact that you are yourself!

[Fullcrum]

A simple 100% work method:

Be present and feel dominant over yourself and your environment (uplifting, not overbearing), as you self-generate good feelings and emotions and do not rely on anything or anyone to generate it for you.

Just get the Blueprint. That's a sick 20 hr. diatribe into confidence.

[ABlix]

Confidence comes from memory, in the humblest most confident opinion possible. Train your memory and you are golden. It takes a while, but we all living a journey of life, are we not?

I think Steve recommends The Memory Book by Harry Loraynes. Although it's a wonderful practical book, if you're looking for something a little more afterward I would suggest the book "The Memory Palace of Matteo Ricci," which starts out with a story about the origin of memory systems and how to train them.

[mercuryrising]

These are some great suggestions. I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me out here.

Originally Posted by blazer1

confidence of course is a state of mind, a state of mind which can be derived through physical means.

I like the way you put this. I find it fascinating that by changing the body through different activities, the mind changes. There is a saying I once heard, "You cannot think your way into a new way of acting; you must act your way into a new way of thinking."

I recently started practicing yoga (Rodney Yee is a robot) again after a long hiatus-- ok, a complete hibernation. A friend also asked if I wanted to start working-out with him. Exercise may be one of the most direct ways to gain confidence.

Originally Posted by moriez

I believe that you cannot have everything. You are born with certain core characteristics and after your child and adolescent years you cannot change them too much in my opinion. Well, maybe a bit and for some even substantially. I guess that depends on how much work you put into it and what works for you. Personally I have reached the stage where I am trying to just accept who I am with every flaw and every gift that is me. That is incredibly hard enough. Could this work for you?

A friend of mine once explained dna to me as a series of switches. Some of those switches are in a fixed position (like your gender or ethnic traits), but most of them can be turned 'on' or 'off' by experience. People who appear naturally confident have had experiences that have turned that trait 'on'... and, given, some people are more apt to have those experiences. But I don't think that anyone is prevented from becoming confident.

I think what matters most is an attitude of willingness to change. Experience creates tendencies in thinking and behavior, placing arbitrary limits on perception. So I think our characteristics can be changed.

The point I think you are really making is about self-acceptance. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist, that is true. And sometimes I am not-so-confident because whatever the topic is I know is not up to my standards of perfection (including me). There is a difference between being proficient and perfect. Acceptance is something I need to work on. Thanks.

Originally Posted by Just a Thought

Knowing yourself, knowing why you care, why you want to contribute, why you don't want to come off like you're bragging--why you want to be more confident--is the key to being able to rely on yourself. So do some soul searching and find out what you want and why you want it.

There is one thing that never goes away, never hides, and most surely will never do so: you. Who you are cannot be changed by anyone other than you. People may not like you for you, but what are they worth to you?

So next time you head into a conversation always know that you know yourself. Understand that they are talking to you, and that they wish to know about you--the same person they saw yesterday, and the same personal they will see tomorrow.

Just think about the overwhelming confidence inherent in the fact that you are yourself!

That's an awesome thought worthy of the exclamation point!

A few years back, I moved away from my hometown and was living in a completely different part of the country. It's like I was a different person. Then I came back because my kids live here and I felt myself sink back into my old self-image. It wasn't so much the change in geography (though that helped), it was the way my family saw me and the associations I had made with where I live.

I won't make this a long story, but I have a very controlling mother. She's very nice and means the best, but she still treats me like I'm sixteen. And she likes it that way. She doesn't want me to grow up and be the adult I already am. It's her view of me that I find the hardest to get over probably because she's my mom.

As you point out, it's ultimately up to me.

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

A simple 100% work method:

Be present and feel dominant over yourself and your environment (uplifting, not overbearing), as you self-generate good feelings and emotions and do not rely on anything or anyone to generate it for you.

Just get the Blueprint. That's a sick 20 hr. diatribe into confidence.

That's it in a nutshell, isn't it? I like the RSD guys. They are walking proof that confidence can be taught.

Originally Posted by ABlix

Confidence comes from memory, in the humblest most confident opinion possible. Train your memory and you are golden. It takes a while, but we all living a journey of life, are we not?

I think Steve recommends The Memory Book by Harry Loraynes. Although it's a wonderful practical book, if you're looking for something a little more afterward I would suggest the book "The Memory Palace of Matteo Ricci," which starts out with a story about the origin of memory systems and how to train them.

I was just thinking about this. Like people who are confident are re-calling the experiences that made them feel that way. It occurred to me that people who aren't confident tend to forget the moments when they are confident and enhance the moments when they fail or embarass themselves.

The past is entirely subjective, right? It's not a far cry from the imagination. I wondered if "installing" false memories of confidence would not improve the situation. Something worth looking into.

Thanks for the resources, I'll look into them as well.

[David365]

Can I add, having come across this thread for the first time, that you write and deal with the various suggestions with confidence?!

Confidence isn't a permanent state - how often do you hear sports commentators refer to a player or team losing confidence after a run of bad results.

Its always useful to remind ourselves of what we are good at, our successes. If you have a tendency towards perfectionism you will hear and dwell on the one critical comment and ignore the multitude of praise. Ultimately its like changing any habit - hard work.

My blog is about self confidence, my recent post Dealing with Perfectionism gives more suggestions.

David

[Fullcrum]

I took this idea from reading The Great Divorce by CS Lewis and reading this blog: Zen And The Art Of Mass Transformation BTW: awesome blog, probably some of the deepest insight I've ever read. Really mind-blowing stuff.

Confidence is not a state of mind. Sadness is a state of mind. Anger is a state of mind. Excitement is a state of mind. But joy, confidence, peace; they are not states of mind.

They are states of being.

It is a natural and DEFAULT state that arises from deep within us when our connection with reality is strengthened. Quite simply, when we take what is as just what is, without judgement, label, and interpretation, internal peace is a natural consequence.

On top of this, we can layer the judgement, label, and interpretation, but how often to we find ourselves trying to judge our way to confidence?

Read this if you want to go deeper into what I just said: Zen And The Art Of Mass Transformation: Soundbytes And Suicide Bombers