Wanting to Create a Life I Love

[Honeywith4bees]

Six years ago my life was extremely different than it is right now. I made a lot of small and big changes including, going back to work, getting divorced, buying a new house and moving a half hour away, sending my kids back to school, and meeting and dating a new man.
Six years ago I was so poor that I lived in a run down house with the upstairs toilet leaking through the kitchen ceiling, I drove an old car that would routinely stall out in traffic leaving me to have to get out and push it out of the way so that my four kids wouldn't be in danger as they sat all stuffed in the backseat, and I routinely snuck into grocery store dumpsters at night to take out expired food to eat.
Six years ago I lived with a man that harassed, lied, manipulated, and threatened me and our kids. He would disappear for days at a time leaving us to just get used to his absence when he'd show up again. He could be so happy and charming on some days that when he'd promise us the moon and stars, we couldn't help but believe him. Ever time he'd walk into the room, the older boys and I would know to gage his mood before we'd decide how we could behave. A mis step in this gaging could be dangerous.

My life is sooooo much better now. I have a safe and cozy house in the country. I live alone with out fear of threat or intimidation. I get to date a terrific and loving man twice a week and my kids are all healthy and happy.

So, whats the point of this post? Whats my problem? Well, I've come so far and made such wonderful changes so far, but it's not enough. I don't want to just stop growing or changing but I'm just not sure where to go from here. I definitively don't love my job, but I'm not trained or skilled in anything and I can't imagine ANYTHING that I would like to train for. I have hobbies but none of them are things that I could make money at. Sometimes I think that I am just burned out from being responsible for other people for so long (my oldest is 16 and my youngest is six, so I have been actively parenting for 16 years and have at least 12 years left!) When I do visioning for a life that I love, it involves me having loads of spare time to just spend time doing all the little things I love to do, have friends over for tea, make homemade cookies for my kids, curl up in the sun with my cat and read, go to yoga classes, take long walks and listen to the birds. This idea, however enchanting it sounds, is completely impractical financially. I'm afraid that what I really want is to go back to being the kid and have someone take care of me for awhile.

Does anyone have any practical advice or suggestions for me? I am not living a life that I am in love with right now, I am just treading water! (And I don't like to swim )

[drummbellina]

I think you need to get yourself a nice notebook and start writing lists and plans and dreams and hobbies, things that are important toyou, things you want to do before you die etc to find out more about yourself.

Maybe explore what you don't like about your job, what you do like, etc. so that you can think about another more fun-to-you way of earning money.

You might have to dig deep as it looks like you haven't done much just for you for a long time! What were you into before you had kids? How about when you were a kid yourself?


Maybe explore these options and then post them here so you can get more constructive advice.

Your idea of a perfect life sounds blissful though

[seeker5]

Wow, what a great improvement over the 6 year period! Some people never manage to get out of that kind of place you used to be, so it's great to see how you've managed to get into a better place.

Sounds like you don't want to work in order to express your inner desires, you simply want to do all those non-revenue building type of things. Thus, if things were ideal, you would have enough money to live off without having to work another day, that way you could go do all those things you desire.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by drummbellina

I think you need to get yourself a nice notebook and start writing lists and plans and dreams and hobbies, things that are important to you, things you want to do before you die etc to find out more about yourself.

Maybe explore these options and then post them here so you can get more constructive advice.

I do write things like that in a journal and actually, thats how I got out of my run down house in the city and out to this quiet place I love in the country.
The cost of living is getting so high now that I am having a tough time paying for it now though. I've planted a garden and I'm frugal about as many expenses as I can, however, I believe in abundance and I want to live comfortably for a change!

Originally Posted by seeker5

Sounds like you don't want to work in order to express your inner desires, you simply want to do all those non-revenue building type of things. Thus, if things were ideal, you would have enough money to live off without having to work another day, that way you could go do all those things you desire.

Thats exactly right. I have worked on creating different streams of income and I do have some rental money coming in and before the market took a downturn, I had some investment income. Neither of those things are nearly enough though.

[Angela]

HW4B, there are two things I've found really useful in living a life I love: look for something you could let go of, and look for something you could generate that would inspire you and make a difference if you were generating it.

Would that be worth doing in your case?

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Angela

look for something you could let go of,

That would absolutely be something worth doing. I am still actively trying to let go of "worthless". I am more aware now when I'm being motivated by it and how it is affecting those around me negatively. I still have a hard time though, not truly believing it.

Originally Posted by Angela

and look for something you could generate that would inspire you and make a difference if you were generating it.

I understand theoretically that if I could completely let go of worthless, then I would stop judging myself against others and could start living a more freer life. I'd like to be more generous, to myself and others.

However, even when I see myself doing these hypothetical things, I still feel trapped by the pressure to financially provide. When will I have the time to generate all this generosity????

[astra]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I understand theoretically that if I could completely let go of worthless, then I would stop judging myself against others and could start living a more freer life. I'd like to be more generous, to myself and others.

I lived with an abusive partner when I was younger, and even now that I'm with a fantastic man and am advancing in a career I love, I still sometimes feel worthless. It's hard to let go of, but it gets easier with time. What really helped me was letting myself off the hook for it. Nobody's perfect, why should I be? Besides, I bet your partner and your kids don't think you're worthless. If someone else values you, it's impossible to be worthless, right? Remind yourself of that as often as possible.

Also, be a little selfish sometimes. The more you treat yourself as important, the more you really start to believe it. I know it's harder when you've got kids to look after, but even mums need to be selfish once in a while. I'm not saying deny your kids anything, but maybe you could organise an evening for yourself to have a nice relaxing bath with candles or something, and maybe the older one could look after the younger one that night.

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

However, even when I see myself doing these hypothetical things, I still feel trapped by the pressure to financially provide. When will I have the time to generate all this generosity????

Easy - start small. Smile. Give someone a compliment. Help them carry a large pile, open a door, pick up something they've dropped. Listen to a problem. I believe it's the smallest things that make the biggest difference. We can't all adopt the world a la Angelina Jolie, but we can be nice to the person next to us.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by astra

Easy - start small. Smile. Give someone a compliment. Help them carry a large pile, open a door, pick up something they've dropped. Listen to a problem. I believe it's the smallest things that make the biggest difference. We can't all adopt the world a la Angelina Jolie, but we can be nice to the person next to us.

Thanks for your input astra! What I actually meant by having the time to be generous was more along the lines of emotional generosity. For example, were I to be completely generous with myself and totally let go of the "worthless", I might allow myself to want to go back to school and retrain for a better paying, more interesting job. But, I seem to always get stuck on the fact that there is nothing between poverty and my family, except this paycheck that I am earning right now.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Honey. You may have already looked into this, but I bet there are some kind of grants you could get seeing as how you are a single mom with four kids. That would allow you to go back to school without worrying about how to put food on the table. And you could still work part time too.

Wish I had some more ideas, but I'm kinda drained right now. I wish you lots of love and support though. You are definitely worth it!

[Angela]

HW4B, I might have added the word "willing" to what I suggested to you. What are you willing to let go of, and what are you willing to generate? If you're not willing, you're not gonna do it right now. One way to generate willingness, as you know, is to look at the price you pay and the price others pay for your thoughts, and then to look at what inspires you out of that.

Here are two of the thoughts you expressed in your post that jumped out at me (and you might want to read your own post now and see what jumps out at you):

I am responsible for others, I don't have time for myself, and I am burned out.

While believing the thought "I am responsible for my kids" might be working for your very well in living a life you love, you might want to take a closer look at your beliefs about what exactly you're responsible for. For instance, how much of this "responsibility" is habitual and how much is authentic? You may find that by feeling "responsible" in some ways you are robbing your kids of learning how to care for themselves, or you may find that, especially for your 16 year old, your beliefs about caretaking are long outdated. I don't know what you'll find, but I'm suggesting you just take a close look, and see what you might be willing to let go of in that area.

As for yourself, it certainly sounds like you are struggling to put their oxygen mask on first, instead of your own. You do others no favor by not making your well-being your first priority. Is there something you would be willing to generate in that area?

You might find it comes back to the "worthless" thing, and you might find something new entirely to let go of or to generate. Look closely.

[jbsmith]

Sounds like you have not had the opportunity to really plan and visualize a future beyond survival and freeing yourself and your kids from a very negative situation -- with good reason.

What you must get to is understanding the inner strength and constitution you have in breaking free and getting what you have...that sort of strength can get you anything you want.

A few things to try...

1. Try thinking about problems or challenges that you could solve wtihin the market you work in or one of your favorite hobbies...perhaps try listing your hobbies here and others may have some ideas on how you could turn that into an opportunity.

2. Have you tried meditation? Meditation can help reach that place where you can put the past into perspective and make it less disruptive to current creativity, energy and decision making. It doesn't erase the past, but can help to lessen it's impact on moving forward

Finally, understand what stands in the way of you becoming more self confident - even small increases in self confidence can have massive impact on your life.

Jeff

[stevedevane]

Honeywith4bees,
Congratulations on changing your life! I admire what you've done.
When I get stuck thinking about important issues, it helps to ask myself questions (yeah, I know it sounds kinda strange - bad enough I talk to myself and now I'm asking myself questions - lol). I tend to start with big picture stuff and work my way down to the details. I try to think about what I really want out of life and why. The why part is what really gets me. It''s the kind of thing that really has to be selfish. It can't be about wanting something for someone else or helping someone else do something. It has to be about me and what I want. After I get a handle on what I want and why, I start thinking about how that might come together. Once, I know where I want to go, I start thinking about how to get there. Do I have the resources I need? Can I get them? Who do I know that can help me? What are potential challenges or obstacles? How can I overcome them? All of this takes a while, of course.
I hope that helps. Let me know if I can help further.
I'm grateful you shared your story. It's inspiring.

[Kaspian]

Take yourself on an "Artist's Date" once a week. (See Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way for more details.) Basically, give yourself one or two hours of uninterrupted alone time to do what pleases you. Maybe you want to plant flowers, pull weeds, read a book for fun, draw, paint, go for a walk in the woods, buy stickers, browse antiques at the second-hand store, or go to the zoo. It matters less what the activity is, and matters more that you feel like the Artist's Date is your time to enjoy and rejuvenate yourself.

[Honeywith4bees]

Wow! These were all such great thoughts and ideas. It came to me, after reading Angela's post, and then the others in succession, that the thing that is possibly stopping me right now (controlling me actually), is the idea that I believe that I will be being "selfish" if I stop being so responsible. "Worthless" can't be selfish you know.

I am going to try to meditate and do some journaling using some of the ideas in these posts and ponder how to become willing to let go of these outdated notions.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

[dave marshall]

Hi,

it is great you found a limiting belief in there! It is interesting to explore what you are thinking and in doing so release from any limitation, well done you, now what else can you uncover in your wonderful mind?

dave

[mercuryrising]

Maybe you could start by setting aside one hour each day living exactly how you want to live. If you practice long enough, perhaps it would spread to the other 23 hours. That would also be a good way to discover if what you are dreaming about is really what you want.

[maxdof]

Hi,

I have 'scanned' (I photoread!!!) with my eyes this thread. I saw about big life changing, challenges, having time for others... have you heard about The 8th Habit of Stephen Covey? The 8th habit is "Find your voice and inspire others to find theirs", maybe that is what you need?
YouTube - TSTN - Successcast Stephen Covey's The 8th Habit

[Kika]

Hello,
you have come so far!! and now it´s time to think even bigger....don´t let the comfort of your new life delude you - the life you are dreaming about will come. So it´s all about defining that dream. What lies behind the dream?
Why is this your dream?

Dreams, visions and goals should come from your true purpose in life - your WHY.

We all have a unique purpose; that unique set of talents, skills, passions and interests that seem to naturally unfold, simply because they are in resonance with something within us.
Without your purpose identified firmly in your mind, you will easily wander through life, never quite feeling that you're "in the flow".

How do you discover your purpose?

One of the first things to determine is what you value the most. Your values represent what is important to you and they indicate what you express on an emotional, mental and spiritual level. When you become aware of your values and find a way to express them through your life, you will feel aligned with your inner driving force.

Here´s a great exercise to identify your values:

Following is a random list of words -nouns, verbs, or phrases- for you to read through. As you look over the list, write down on a piece of paper any word or phrase that feels important to you. Pay special attention to those words that seem to jump out and choose you or the words that just feel right to you. Watch your tendency to choose words that you feel you should choose versus the ones that you really want to choose. Choose any word that speaks to the essence of who you are. And, don't think too much. You might even close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, establish a connection between your mind and your body, and respond from this place.

Abundance , Accomplish , Acquire, Adventure, Alert , Alter , Arouse , Articulate Artistic ,Assemble ,Assist ,Attentive, Attract , Augment , Balance, Be Accepting, Be Amused, Be Awake, Be Aware, Be Bonded, Be Connected, Be Integrated, Be Joyful, Be Linked, Be Passionate, Be Present, Be Sensitive, Be Spiritual, Beauty, Build, Bliss, Bravery, Calm, Capable, Cause, Coach, Comfort, Community, Compassion, Complete, Conceive, Congruent, Connection, Contentment, Control, Courage, Danger, Dare, Dedication, Delight, Dependable, Design, Detect, Devotion,Direct, Discern, Distinguish, Drama, Dream, Educate, Elegance, Emphasize, Encourage, Endeavor, Endow, Energize, Energy, Energy, Flow, Enjoy, Enlighten, Entertain, Excellence, Exhilaration, Experiment, Expert, Explain, Facilitate, Family, Foster, Freedom, Fun, Gamble, Glamour, Govern, Grace, Grant, Gratitude, Greatest, Guide, Health, Holy, Honest, Honoring, Humor, Imagination, Impact, Improve, In Touch With, Influence, Inform , Ingenuity, Inquisitive, Inspire, Instruct, Integrate, Integrity, Invent, Laugh, Learn, Love, Magnificence, Mastery, Minister, Model, Move Forward, Observe, Open-Minded, Orchestrate, Originality, Outdo, Patient, Peaceful, People, Perceive, Perfect, Persevere, Persuade, Plan, Play, Games, Playful, Pleasure, Prepare, Prevail, Provide Quest, Radiance, Realize, Refine, Reign, Relate to God, Religious, Respond, Responsible, Risk, Romance, Rule, Satisfied, Score, Security, See, Seek, Sensation, Sense, Sensual, Serenity, Serve, Set Standards, Sex, Sincere, Space, Spark, Speculate, Spirit, Spontaneous, Sports , Stimulate, Strengthen, Superiority, Support, Synthesize, Taste, Tenderness, The Unknown, Thoughtful, Thrill, To Catalyze, To Contribute, To Create, To Discover, To Experience, To Feel, To Feel Good, To Glow, To Lead, To Nurture, To Relate, To Teach, To Unite, To Win, Touch, Transform, Triumph, Trustworthy, Truth, Turn, Uncover, Understand, Unique, Uplift, Wealth, Win Over, Venture, Vulnerable


Now that you've chosen all the words/phrases that are important to you, narrow this list down to ten.

Look over this list carefully. How does it make you feel when you read these words?

Now it's time to narrow them down even further. As you look over your list of ten, choose the four words that are the most important of all.

How are these values expressed in your life already?
How could you express your values more profoundly in your life now?

This exercise is the first and vitally important step towards revealing your unique purpose. Ultimately you want to make a written purpose statement that will serve you as a guide to all of your life´s decisions.

Good luck! And let us know how it goes