Why Self-improvement Fails for Some

[m18pak]

I think it's an escapable rule of life that there is always more than meets the eye to anything, and self-improvement is no exception. When people first discover it and are open to its ideas and promises they get almost ecstatic over how it seemingly is the panacea to all their problems. But then they try to actually do it, to change their lives and themselves, only to be met with insurmountable resistance that beats them down and defeats their best efforts. Some then give up, and some persevere on with grim determination.

Either way, it seems like there is always something that stymies our heroic attempts to change for the better. We try and try again, but it makes no difference. We read books and listen to tapes and watch videos to learn more and more, but it makes no impact. You all know what I mean. I'm talking about how you resolve to break your bad habits and set new ones, visualize every day, exercise every day, be in the now all the time, always take the enlightened perspective on any situation etc etc...but somehow it just never happens. You make all these promises to yourself to change for the better and when game time comes you inevitably end up sliding back down into the negative patterns that have shaped and defined your life. It's like you can see what the problem is, see what you need to do to solve it, and then for some reason you just can't take the necessary action to solve it. It's like your brain has a mind of its own and when the time comes it just treacherously thwarts your intentions, no matter what you do or how hard you try.

I think a lot of people here will understand what I'm talking about, understand the sheer frustration of banging your head against the wall and getting nowhere. It's almost like self-improvement only works for some people and not others, like some people can make change but others are blocked from making change because of invisible barriers in the world that some can pass and others can't.

So why is this? Why do some people make progress relatively easily while others get nowhere despite pushing themselves to the max? I think the answer is that we humans are far more complex organisms than we take into account, namely that we have an energetic field around us that influences our thoughts, feelings, actions, and the situations that we manifest. This aura I believe is an integral part of our being, and influences everything we do. We all know that everything is energy (E=mc2) and as such what happens is that our thoughts, speech, and actions generate subtle energies that color our auras. So for example an person who generally has a lot of angry thoughts, feelings etc will generate more and more anger energy in his aura until eventually it "vibrates" at an anger "frequency". What then happens is that his aura will subtly influence his subconscious mind and emotional nature to make him even more prone to anger, as well as drawing the energy of anger from his surroundings since like attracts like.

What I'm trying to say is that the reason self-improvement fails in a lot of cases is because the person consciously decides to change for the better, but his personal energies are so strongly negative and the effect they have on him is so strong that they eventually pull him back down to where he was before despite his best efforts. To use an analogy imagine that the person is trying to walk one way, but there is a huge magnet behind him and he happens to be carrying a backpack full of metal. What happens is that the magnet exerts a pull on him that is too strong to resist, so as long as he's determinedly struggling up the path he'll make headway, but as soon as he stops to rest the magnet will drag him right back to square one. Because the energy in your aura influences your thoughts and emotions as soon as you stop consciously forcing yourself to think one way, your thoughts will inevitably be pulled back into the old mental patterns, and you'll end up acting exactly like you did before.

On a sidenote this is also why I think LoA does not work for some people, because they have so much negative energy in their auras that it nullifies any positive intentions they try to set.

[Power]

I like to think it in this way:

Self improvement/Personal development information and materials doesn't fail. It's the person who reads the material that doesnt learn the lesson.

Picture personal development as a biology text book. Now picture a student who is suppose to study it for an exam. The student takes the biology exam, he/she will either pass or fail. The student will also get a grade on how well the student knows the material. The test or exam is like a reference point indicating whether the student learned something or not.

Now, you can memorize all the PD and SI informations and you might even be able to recite them on top of your head. Does that tell you that you learned the lesson?... well, the answer is no. You have memorized it, but you haven't learn the lesson. You see, PD and SI exam or test is not like a written test, it is more like a driving exam... a performance test more to say. To say that you learned PD and SI, you need to pass the performance exam.

So how do you know if you passed the PD & SI exam when there are no exam teachers to give you a score?
Well, it's your results that will tell you if you learned something or not, if you passed the exam or not. You see, if you learned something you will change. The change will be an evident result that you can see in your everyday life. Your habit would have change.

If your habit hasn't change, can you really say you learned something?
If you haven't learned the lesson, was it you who failed or was it the text book (PD & SI) that failed?

(a side note: on a given average in any class 0-10% will get an A+.
In PD & SI, if you get below an A- you will most likely to revert back to your old habits... But of course,... you can always take the exam as much as you like until you get it right )

[elliot]

Hi m18pak,

After reading your last posting, I feel like I'm one of those people who you were talking to you personally. I read a lot of different works, by some pretty popular people in the world of personal development.

Constantly I seem to fall back to this status quo level, of mediocrity. Through it all, I'm not quite sure of the explanation. Other than certain aspects of one's behavior / actions being hardwired, with little chance of changing them. Yet at the same time adopting such an attitude, to me is equivalent of giving up.

To use a magnet as an example...

If a person's personal aura is the equivalent of a magnet and that aura pulls him or her to a point that is not beneficial to his or her overall growth, or mental well-being, shouldn't it be possible to reverse or neutralize the polarity of the magnet? There have been proven cases, where someone has made the decision to take a specific action, or break a specific habit, and through discipline, the new changes took effect over the long-term and continue to benefit the person. Even if specific strategies don't work for certain individuals, others have been proven to work. It may take months or years, but lasting changes can happen.

Iin many of these cases has the person really pushed themselves to that next level, or are they simply saying they have when in actuality, they are simply overanalyzing and not taking the necessary action required for the results they intend to manifest?

[sehall]

The question is what is really stopping a person to make the necessary changes? It is easy to say that the person is not trying hard enough, but that is not always so. The negative aura theory is closer to what I think is really going on. So far there are no other theories in this thread that come close. I wish I had an answer, that big ah ha moment that would make sense of this dilemma.

[stevedevane]

I'd like to think that anyone can change for the better if they are committed enough to the change. I suppose a person's environment, personality, etc. would have some bearing on how hard they would have to work to change. For example, being around profoundly negative people would make it much tougher to improve one's self. If someone significant in your life is constantly telling you that you'll never amount to anything, you'll have to work mighty hard to overcome it. That would be one huge chunk of metal to be carrying around in your backpack.

[Joely]

I can kind of understand this. I made some serious commitment to change and I have changed massively - I got rid of the anorexia I'd had (I used to weigh 64lbs) for about 15 years by simply making the decision to eat, for example. Then over the last five years I've gone through phases of change and always fallen back.

One day, I had a conversation with a friend and he was the first person who said "I don't think you believe you can change. You hope you can, but you don't believe it."

I gave it some serious thought, and realised that I not only didn't believe I could change, but part of me didn't want to. It's fantastic reading books about changing your life and being different, rich, successful, happy. Then you realise that your pain is a security blanket, it will affect your life, your relationships and everything you do in ways you never imagined. I often see posts from people saying "I've changed massively and I'm losing my friends/partner/family as a result." I read other posts from people wanting to do amazing things with their life, but without, essentially, changing where they live, what they do and any of their friends.

It actually takes real courage to commit to that kind of radical change. We talk about the blocks with negative beliefs and limiting thoughts, but they're only tough to get rid of if you're committed to holding on to them. The truth is, it's difficult to change that much because making that change completely rips the rug out from under you.

I've read a few times that most people prefer to want to be multi-millionaires than be one. It's actually a lot of responsibility or you'll just lose it all. People would rather yell and scream at their partners and family rather than really doing the work on themselves to find out where they're not working in the relationship. They'd rather settle than go for somebody they can be really vulnerable with. It's actually really scary going for that change. We get keen to blame self-help speakers, the books we've read, the people around us, our friends, our partners, our family, our children, our therapist, when actually, the responsibility lies solely with us.

[hkalchemy]

Effortless Wealth and Abundance
First, it's not a case of 'all or nothing.' You can improve not at all, a huge amount or anything in between. Being unrealistic in one's goals is the reason some people fail - they don't see that a small step in the right direction is still an achievement, still an improvement.

Second, the trick is persistence. The dripping tap soon fills the bucket. Again, many people think that improvement has to be BIG SCALE. I think you need to keep asking 'What has improved?' And when you look, you'll find something, even if it isn't much and even if it took a long time. So long as you keep on keeping on, you're already way ahead of the game. Most people take some action, don't see immediate results and then give up.

Third, we need to remember that we are not improving ourselves, only the way we think. When we try to improve ourselves and then 'fail,' that just validates our belief that there's something wrong with us in the first place. we need to challenge and change the way we think about things.

[Mama3boys]

Maybe it is because I am a FlyLady "maggot" or maybe it is because I homeschool a challenged child, but I am definitely an advocate of choosing a path and taking baby steps along it. I tweak my plans to be sure but I lay them out so I know that I have a good chance of reaching my destination.

For instance to help my challenged child and morbidly obese dh we need to make some changes to our diet. Trying to go wheat-free and dairy-free in one big step is just too difficult to consider for our family of 5 plus one on the way. Instead I am breaking it down into miniscule steps, i.e. first of all we are going to add more recipes to our main meals that are wheat free and dairy free. Then I am going to add more vegetables and fruit in meals and snacks. Then I am going to add new baked goods that are wheat and dairy free. I am planning to gradually reduce the number of meals that contain these ingredients over a 6 month period and by the end of the year be totally wheat and dairy free. Yes, we could try to do it instantly, we would probably see great results within a couple of months but we all resist change and when I as cook will be resisting the will of 5 other people who don't want to change (and who really don't understand why we should if it is going to be uncomfortable, DH! ) I figure I have to break this down into tiny achieveable steps or it just won't happen.

It takes a lot of patience but then another aspect of our character gets developed then along the way, as well as will, determination and persistance. Surely not a bad thing.

Best wishes,
Jen in Oz

Originally Posted by hkalchemy

Effortless Wealth and Abundance
First, it's not a case of 'all or nothing.' You can improve not at all, a huge amount or anything in between. Being unrealistic in one's goals is the reason some people fail - they don't see that a small step in the right direction is still an achievement, still an improvement.

Second, the trick is persistence. The dripping tap soon fills the bucket. Again, many people think that improvement has to be BIG SCALE. I think you need to keep asking 'What has improved?' And when you look, you'll find something, even if it isn't much and even if it took a long time. So long as you keep on keeping on, you're already way ahead of the game. Most people take some action, don't see immediate results and then give up.

Third, we need to remember that we are not improving ourselves, only the way we think. When we try to improve ourselves and then 'fail,' that just validates our belief that there's something wrong with us in the first place. we need to challenge and change the way we think about things.

[awakentransform]

I find that hypnotherapy has been so successful with helping people change because it addresses the subconscious. One of the best methods is to talk to the part that is doing the negative behavior and find out what it's needs are.

Everyone does their habits for different reasons. For instance, one person may smoke for stress relief, while another may smoke to rebel. If we just ignore the needs behind the behavior and try to change the behavior, the part that needs stress relief or rebellion may sabotage our efforts. If we address the needs of that part and find another way to fulfill it, then we are likely to have success in changing the behavior.

If someone has done a lot of inner work, their subconscious needs may be mostly getting met and it may be easy to change. If someone hasn't done much inner work and just tries to use their will to ignore their subconscious, it will probably backfire. That has been my experience at least.

All these parts we label as bad: the angry part, the jealous part, the negative part, etc. have developed to fulfill some need on our part, usually for security or for attention/love. If we push these parts away, they get stronger, sort of like a pressure cooker. It's draining to be holding them back all the time too. But if we embrace this part and thank it for doing the best it knew how but then redirect it on a better way to fulfill this need, it frees up all our energy and makes us whole.

[stevedevane]

I recently heard someone give an illustration about Linus, the character in Peanuts who spends each Halloween waiting for the "the great pumpkin" to come give him toys. The person suggested that we often don't believe in something that strongly not only because we fear the ridicule we'd receive, but also because we fear the disappointment we'd feel if it turns out to be fantasy. It occurred to me that many times in my life, I've chosen to stay in my comfort zone because I didn't want to risk disappointment. Looking back, I've even not gone after some goals wholeheartedly because I wanted to be able to tell myself that I really didn't want that or I would have given it 100 percent and if I would have given it 100 percent certainly I would have achieved it. I'm personally glad to be at a point where I recognize those shortcomings so I can improve my results in the future.

[saaretjie]

IMHO one of the main mistakes we make when we aim to improve ourselves is that although we change our habits, our bodies and just about everything else... we don't change our thoughts.

In our minds we're still the same overweight, procrastinating, angry person. So we feel like we're deluding ourselves and ultimately slide back regardless of how far we've come.

I think there's a lot to be said for "Change your thoughts, change your world"

[stevedevane]

I agree, saaretjie. I'm realizing more and more the power of my thoughts and understanding that I have the ability to control those thoughts. I also think that it's often true that "when we change the way we think about things, the things we think about change." I'm not sure if I got that quote exactly right, but I hope you get the idea.

[Angela]

Yup -- deliberate thought -- the most astonishing power we have! Maybe it looks like some people fall back into their old-pain patterns because they are unlucky or they're plagued by bad energy, but I think the real reason is: you've got a choice to deliberately think your thoughts, otherwise your thoughts think you. Either you take 100% responsibility for your life, or you don't.

There's nothing mystical about success in personal development. Just choices!

[Stephen]

Really good post. Not sure I'm with you on the 'aura' part, but your post resonates reality.

I agree (for once) with Angela. You have to take 100% responsibility for your thoughts.

In fact you have to consciously drive out negativity when you first hear that negative thought in your head. Its difficult. It can be despairing sometimes; like trying to hold back a wave of negative thoughts with only your self to do it.

One thing though, which I dont think is mentioned often enough is that slow creeping success that all of us 'failures' have, but dont notice.

Its like we try to be 100% full on positive/PD driven/successfull but invariably slip back to where we were before.

However, unknown to us, we build up a residue of effort beneath us which slowly builds up over the years and lifts up higher and higher. Its like trying to chop down a huge old oak tree with a single axe. Over time we make little effort but below us is a couple of inches of hard matter built up from our efforts.

Good luck people.

[Rose of Cairo]

m18pak, what you're describing sounds a lot like a psychoenergetic reversal. This is when someone keeps getting bad results or sabotaging themselves despite all their conscious efforts. The PER theory says that it's indeed a matter of energy like you said, it's when the energy is polarized in the wrong direction. There are ways to cure it, for example with kinesiology or EFT. See this article.

If you're suffering from a PER, I strongly recommend learning EFT or seeing an energy therapist. There is also a great kinesiology exercise to eliminate psychoenergetical reversals, I couldn't find it online though. Feel free to PM me if you're interested in learning it.

Take care though, one of the causes for PERs (among others, see article) is chronic negative thoughts. So, like others have said, choose your thougths consciously. What you're saying in your post doesn't sound very positive.

Originally Posted by m18pak

Either way, it seems like there is always something that stymies our heroic attempts to change for the better. We try and try again, but it makes no difference. We read books and listen to tapes and watch videos to learn more and more, but it makes no impact.

If this is what you believe, then it's also what you'll get!

You all know what I mean.

There is a way out. I had a PER and my life was so crappy that I almost killed myself a few years ago. Now I'm pretty happy with my wonderful new life, and it's getting better and better. For me personally, PD does work tremendously.

I'm talking about how you resolve to break your bad habits and set new ones, visualize every day, exercise every day, be in the now all the time, always take the enlightened perspective on any situation etc etc...but somehow it just never happens.

Well... if I tried to force myself to do all that every day, all the time, and always, I'd feel some resistance too. Start cool?

You make all these promises to yourself to change for the better and when game time comes you inevitably end up sliding back down into the negative patterns that have shaped and defined your life.

If you make to yourself the promise to change for the better, this implies that you're not good now. Which is not nice towards yourself - and it's a negative thinking. So it's not surprising that you slide back down into negativity: you never left it.

[bellemeadows]

I think a lot of the limitations experienced in LOA is not about thoughts, but about one's core beliefs. When you have limiting core beliefs, your thoughts brush up against those beliefs, and unless there is a resonnance, they are disempowered. It is like you can switch the light on, but if the electricity is turned off . . . nothing.

What do you think? Belle,

[Angela]

Originally Posted by bellemeadows

I think a lot of the limitations experienced in LOA is not about thoughts, but about one's core beliefs. When you have limiting core beliefs, your thoughts brush up against those beliefs, and unless there is a resonnance, they are disempowered. It is like you can switch the light on, but if the electricity is turned off . . . nothing.

What do you think? Belle,

Belle, what are beliefs if not thoughts?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by m18pak

It's like you can see what the problem is, see what you need to do to solve it, and then for some reason you just can't take the necessary action to solve it. It's like your brain has a mind of its own and when the time comes it just treacherously thwarts your intentions, no matter what you do or how hard you try.

I think that the reason improvement often doesn't work is because people miss the point of what the problem is. I know that I myself will at times try to change one aspect of myself and find that it is almost insurmountably difficult. Then I will eventually realize that I looking at it from the wrong angle, trying to do something that I knew I wanted to do but not recognizing the reason.

One example for me was switching to a starchless and sugarless (excepting sugars from fruits and vegetables) diet. At first when I tried it I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to gain muscle, I wanted to live longer. I totally missed the point. I wanted some kind of future benefit, which I would never receive because the benefit would always be in the future. It was extremely difficult for me, and ultimately I failed.

I thought about it, and I realized that I really wanted to do the diet for its own sake, just because I believe that it's healthy, not for any other benefits. I just wanted it for its own sake. I started the diet again, and with practically zero effort I have maintained it with virtually no backsliding for several months.

My point is, even if you do the right thing, if it's for the wrong reasons it won't work. The effort will be an unsustainable drain on your resources. But if you learn why you really want to do it, and it's a worthy motive, it doesn't even become effort anymore. It becomes just another thing you do.

[jbsmith]

Negative energy is one way of explaining the resistance to improvement many people experience...another way to look at it is what is BEHIND this negative energy?

What is it that exists inside of us that is so overwhelmingly powerfully negative that we can rarely discover it for ourselves or have the ability to admit to ourselves it is a problem?

May I suggest...

1. Being comfortable with our position and purpose in the world? To the extend we avoid the inner discovery of our passions and purpose in this world, we manifest anger, frustration, complacency and other negative energies that cannot be solved until we go back and discover our true purpose.

2. Our ability to uncover and manage our fears. Let's face it, we all have things, situations, scenarios that we have built such an incredibly powerful sense of fear around that we avoid them -- let them rule our life substituting what we really want but are too afraid to try with negative behaviors such as guilt, blame, lashing out, substance abuse to escape, over-eating, etc...

A major traumatic health crisis in my own life 15-years ago enlightened me to both my complete lack of touch with my true purpose and a huge host of fears and anxieties I had irrationally built that had a major impact on my relationships, career, finances -- my entire life.

Using methods to uncover inner needs, purpose and manage fear...suddenly the path is created through which to experience further self improvement.