Why Self-improvement Fails for Some
 

I think it's an escapable rule of life that there is always more than meets the eye to anything, and self-improvement is no exception. When people first discover it and are open to its ideas and promises they get almost ecstatic over how it seemingly is the panacea to all their problems. But then they try to actually do it, to change their lives and themselves, only to be met with insurmountable resistance that beats them down and defeats their best efforts. Some then give up, and some persevere on with grim determination.

Either way, it seems like there is always something that stymies our heroic attempts to change for the better. We try and try again, but it makes no difference. We read books and listen to tapes and watch videos to learn more and more, but it makes no impact. You all know what I mean. I'm talking about how you resolve to break your bad habits and set new ones, visualize every day, exercise every day, be in the now all the time, always take the enlightened perspective on any situation etc etc...but somehow it just never happens. You make all these promises to yourself to change for the better and when game time comes you inevitably end up sliding back down into the negative patterns that have shaped and defined your life. It's like you can see what the problem is, see what you need to do to solve it, and then for some reason you just can't take the necessary action to solve it. It's like your brain has a mind of its own and when the time comes it just treacherously thwarts your intentions, no matter what you do or how hard you try.

I think a lot of people here will understand what I'm talking about, understand the sheer frustration of banging your head against the wall and getting nowhere. It's almost like self-improvement only works for some people and not others, like some people can make change but others are blocked from making change because of invisible barriers in the world that some can pass and others can't.

So why is this? Why do some people make progress relatively easily while others get nowhere despite pushing themselves to the max? I think the answer is that we humans are far more complex organisms than we take into account, namely that we have an energetic field around us that influences our thoughts, feelings, actions, and the situations that we manifest. This aura I believe is an integral part of our being, and influences everything we do. We all know that everything is energy (E=mc2) and as such what happens is that our thoughts, speech, and actions generate subtle energies that color our auras. So for example an person who generally has a lot of angry thoughts, feelings etc will generate more and more anger energy in his aura until eventually it "vibrates" at an anger "frequency". What then happens is that his aura will subtly influence his subconscious mind and emotional nature to make him even more prone to anger, as well as drawing the energy of anger from his surroundings since like attracts like.

What I'm trying to say is that the reason self-improvement fails in a lot of cases is because the person consciously decides to change for the better, but his personal energies are so strongly negative and the effect they have on him is so strong that they eventually pull him back down to where he was before despite his best efforts. To use an analogy imagine that the person is trying to walk one way, but there is a huge magnet behind him and he happens to be carrying a backpack full of metal. What happens is that the magnet exerts a pull on him that is too strong to resist, so as long as he's determinedly struggling up the path he'll make headway, but as soon as he stops to rest the magnet will drag him right back to square one. Because the energy in your aura influences your thoughts and emotions as soon as you stop consciously forcing yourself to think one way, your thoughts will inevitably be pulled back into the old mental patterns, and you'll end up acting exactly like you did before.

On a sidenote this is also why I think LoA does not work for some people, because they have so much negative energy in their auras that it nullifies any positive intentions they try to set.

I like to think it in this way:

Self improvement/Personal development information and materials doesn't fail. It's the person who reads the material that doesnt learn the lesson.

Picture personal development as a biology text book. Now picture a student who is suppose to study it for an exam. The student takes the biology exam, he/she will either pass or fail. The student will also get a grade on how well the student knows the material. The test or exam is like a reference point indicating whether the student learned something or not.

Now, you can memorize all the PD and SI informations and you might even be able to recite them on top of your head. Does that tell you that you learned the lesson?... well, the answer is no. You have memorized it, but you haven't learn the lesson. You see, PD and SI exam or test is not like a written test, it is more like a driving exam... a performance test more to say. To say that you learned PD and SI, you need to pass the performance exam.

So how do you know if you passed the PD & SI exam when there are no exam teachers to give you a score?
Well, it's your results that will tell you if you learned something or not, if you passed the exam or not. You see, if you learned something you will change. The change will be an evident result that you can see in your everyday life. Your habit would have change.

If your habit hasn't change, can you really say you learned something?
If you haven't learned the lesson, was it you who failed or was it the text book (PD & SI) that failed?

(a side note: on a given average in any class 0-10% will get an A+.
In PD & SI, if you get below an A- you will most likely to revert back to your old habits... But of course,... you can always take the exam as much as you like until you get it right ;) )

Hi m18pak,

After reading your last posting, I feel like I'm one of those people who you were talking to you personally. I read a lot of different works, by some pretty popular people in the world of personal development.

Constantly I seem to fall back to this status quo level, of mediocrity. Through it all, I'm not quite sure of the explanation. Other than certain aspects of one's behavior / actions being hardwired, with little chance of changing them. Yet at the same time adopting such an attitude, to me is equivalent of giving up.

To use a magnet as an example...

If a person's personal aura is the equivalent of a magnet and that aura pulls him or her to a point that is not beneficial to his or her overall growth, or mental well-being, shouldn't it be possible to reverse or neutralize the polarity of the magnet? There have been proven cases, where someone has made the decision to take a specific action, or break a specific habit, and through discipline, the new changes took effect over the long-term and continue to benefit the person. Even if specific strategies don't work for certain individuals, others have been proven to work. It may take months or years, but lasting changes can happen.

Iin many of these cases has the person really pushed themselves to that next level, or are they simply saying they have when in actuality, they are simply overanalyzing and not taking the necessary action required for the results they intend to manifest?

negative aura
 

The question is what is really stopping a person to make the necessary changes? It is easy to say that the person is not trying hard enough, but that is not always so. The negative aura theory is closer to what I think is really going on. So far there are no other theories in this thread that come close. I wish I had an answer, that big ah ha moment that would make sense of this dilemma.:(

I'd like to think that anyone can change for the better if they are committed enough to the change. I suppose a person's environment, personality, etc. would have some bearing on how hard they would have to work to change. For example, being around profoundly negative people would make it much tougher to improve one's self. If someone significant in your life is constantly telling you that you'll never amount to anything, you'll have to work mighty hard to overcome it. That would be one huge chunk of metal to be carrying around in your backpack.

I can kind of understand this. I made some serious commitment to change and I have changed massively - I got rid of the anorexia I'd had (I used to weigh 64lbs) for about 15 years by simply making the decision to eat, for example. Then over the last five years I've gone through phases of change and always fallen back.

One day, I had a conversation with a friend and he was the first person who said "I don't think you believe you can change. You hope you can, but you don't believe it."

I gave it some serious thought, and realised that I not only didn't believe I could change, but part of me didn't want to. It's fantastic reading books about changing your life and being different, rich, successful, happy. Then you realise that your pain is a security blanket, it will affect your life, your relationships and everything you do in ways you never imagined. I often see posts from people saying "I've changed massively and I'm losing my friends/partner/family as a result." I read other posts from people wanting to do amazing things with their life, but without, essentially, changing where they live, what they do and any of their friends.

It actually takes real courage to commit to that kind of radical change. We talk about the blocks with negative beliefs and limiting thoughts, but they're only tough to get rid of if you're committed to holding on to them. The truth is, it's difficult to change that much because making that change completely rips the rug out from under you.

I've read a few times that most people prefer to want to be multi-millionaires than be one. It's actually a lot of responsibility or you'll just lose it all. People would rather yell and scream at their partners and family rather than really doing the work on themselves to find out where they're not working in the relationship. They'd rather settle than go for somebody they can be really vulnerable with. It's actually really scary going for that change. We get keen to blame self-help speakers, the books we've read, the people around us, our friends, our partners, our family, our children, our therapist, when actually, the responsibility lies solely with us.

Some thoughts
 

Effortless Wealth and Abundance
First, it's not a case of 'all or nothing.' You can improve not at all, a huge amount or anything in between. Being unrealistic in one's goals is the reason some people fail - they don't see that a small step in the right direction is still an achievement, still an improvement.

Second, the trick is persistence. The dripping tap soon fills the bucket. Again, many people think that improvement has to be BIG SCALE. I think you need to keep asking 'What has improved?' And when you look, you'll find something, even if it isn't much and even if it took a long time. So long as you keep on keeping on, you're already way ahead of the game. Most people take some action, don't see immediate results and then give up.

Third, we need to remember that we are not improving ourselves, only the way we think. When we try to improve ourselves and then 'fail,' that just validates our belief that there's something wrong with us in the first place. we need to challenge and change the way we think about things.

I recently heard someone give an illustration about Linus, the character in Peanuts who spends each Halloween waiting for the "the great pumpkin" to come give him toys. The person suggested that we often don't believe in something that strongly not only because we fear the ridicule we'd receive, but also because we fear the disappointment we'd feel if it turns out to be fantasy. It occurred to me that many times in my life, I've chosen to stay in my comfort zone because I didn't want to risk disappointment. Looking back, I've even not gone after some goals wholeheartedly because I wanted to be able to tell myself that I really didn't want that or I would have given it 100 percent and if I would have given it 100 percent certainly I would have achieved it. I'm personally glad to be at a point where I recognize those shortcomings so I can improve my results in the future.

IMHO one of the main mistakes we make when we aim to improve ourselves is that although we change our habits, our bodies and just about everything else... we don't change our thoughts.

In our minds we're still the same overweight, procrastinating, angry person. So we feel like we're deluding ourselves and ultimately slide back regardless of how far we've come.

I think there's a lot to be said for "Change your thoughts, change your world"

I agree, saaretjie. I'm realizing more and more the power of my thoughts and understanding that I have the ability to control those thoughts. I also think that it's often true that "when we change the way we think about things, the things we think about change." I'm not sure if I got that quote exactly right, but I hope you get the idea.

Yup -- deliberate thought -- the most astonishing power we have! Maybe it looks like some people fall back into their old-pain patterns because they are unlucky or they're plagued by bad energy, but I think the real reason is: you've got a choice to deliberately think your thoughts, otherwise your thoughts think you. Either you take 100% responsibility for your life, or you don't.

There's nothing mystical about success in personal development. Just choices!

Really good post. Not sure I'm with you on the 'aura' part, but your post resonates reality.

I agree (for once:)) with Angela. You have to take 100% responsibility for your thoughts.

In fact you have to consciously drive out negativity when you first hear that negative thought in your head. Its difficult. It can be despairing sometimes; like trying to hold back a wave of negative thoughts with only your self to do it.

One thing though, which I dont think is mentioned often enough is that slow creeping success that all of us 'failures' have, but dont notice.

Its like we try to be 100% full on positive/PD driven/successfull but invariably slip back to where we were before.

However, unknown to us, we build up a residue of effort beneath us which slowly builds up over the years and lifts up higher and higher. Its like trying to chop down a huge old oak tree with a single axe. Over time we make little effort but below us is a couple of inches of hard matter built up from our efforts.

Good luck people.;)

Okay, a lot of you guys are obviously very polite and don't want to just come out and say it, but please, if you think I'm wrong, just say so, and then give your reasons for disagreeing with me. Feel free to point out the flaws in my argument or to debate with me on why my hypothesis does not hold up.

But please, stop giving me just your opinions, because that doesn't contribute to the discussion. If you think I'm wrong then by all means tell me, and then give me all the reasons why you think I'm wrong. Don't just give me your opinion.

I get the feeling that a lot of people want to dismiss my theory outright as they're uncomfortable with the idea that they might not be in complete control of themselves. I don't understand why some of you seem to find the idea of an aura affecting the subconsious mind and emotions hard to even consider, since it's scientifically validated that there is a energy field around the human body, and that everything is energy, including your thoughts and feelings. Thus it rationally follows that your thoughts and feelings can leave impressions on your aura and gradually over time alter it in subtle ways. We humans are composite beings, so it only makes sense that our personal energy field acts upon our physical and mental systems to color our moods, thoughts etc...

Some people have talked about how you need to just consciously and deliberately choose your thoughts; well, I too would like to be in conscious control of my thoughts all the time, but I think it's pretty obvious to all that it's not gonna happen. Get real. I'd say that we can be in conscious control of our thoughts maybe 5% of the time, maybe 10% if we try really hard. The essential message of that attitude is that you just need to have better self-control. It's unrealistic and irresponsible to promote such an ideal as the solution, to say the least.

The undeniable truth is that we have very little control over our subconscious, and what I'm trying to say is that I believe the subconscious is to a large extent influenced by the subtle energies and images in the aura. It's highly naive and simplistic to say that all you have to do is to choose to change your thoughts and then you'll be able to do it.

I'm willing to bet that many here will testify as to how they when they try to do just that they feel as though there is an actual opposing force actively resisting them.

Look, I think some people might have gotten the wrong idea about what I'm trying to say. I'm not trying to shift the blame, so to speak, by suggesting that it's all the aura's fault. What I'm trying to say is that it's time we seriously take into account the fact that self-improvement is a lot harder than it reasonably should be, and consider why this might be. Self-improvement is not as simple and straightforward as popularly presented, which is why it is presently falling far below its potential. The majority of people get very little results to show for their effort in the end, and I think it's because we're not getting the full picture. I think a lot of people will know what I'm talking about when I say that at times you wonder if there's something wrong with you, since you sometimes feel like something is actually fighting you and your attempts at change.

I didn't actually expect so many people to reply to this thread to be honest. I was going to put up PART II today which was going to be my solution to this problem, but now I guess I'll have to do it tomorrow.

I must have missed that. The most hotly debated and widely diversified of
arguments is the mind-body problem. ie Materialism v Dualism.

You are saying here that its a scientific fact that "everything is energy, including your thoughts and feelings"

No. You are stating your opinion. This is not fact.


BTW All replies are subjective my friend and opinionated by that very fact.

Have a nice day.:)

I think that you have to start by taking a mental picture of how/what you were like say 5 years ago, then compare with how u are today. It gives you a better idea of how you have improved.

I used to feel down that I kept not learning my lesson, but I find that if I'm aware of it, at least its better than not being aware of it at all.

cheers

m18pak,
It seems to me that if we've been generating mostly negative energy for most of our lives because of early influences that programmed us that way, and if we're around mostly negative people who spew their negative energy on us constantly, and if we're bombarded with negative energy from multiple sources (TV, newspapers, web sites, etc.), then it's no surprise that turning things toward the positive would be overwhelmingly difficult. I think that's the situation most folks find themselves in.
I'd love to hear your further thoughts, so I look forward to reading Part II. Thanks for starting this interesting discussion.

m18pak, what you're describing sounds a lot like a psychoenergetic reversal. This is when someone keeps getting bad results or sabotaging themselves despite all their conscious efforts. The PER theory says that it's indeed a matter of energy like you said, it's when the energy is polarized in the wrong direction. There are ways to cure it, for example with kinesiology or EFT. See this article.

If you're suffering from a PER, I strongly recommend learning EFT or seeing an energy therapist. There is also a great kinesiology exercise to eliminate psychoenergetical reversals, I couldn't find it online though. Feel free to PM me if you're interested in learning it.

Take care though, one of the causes for PERs (among others, see article) is chronic negative thoughts. So, like others have said, choose your thougths consciously. What you're saying in your post doesn't sound very positive.

If this is what you believe, then it's also what you'll get!

There is a way out. I had a PER and my life was so crappy that I almost killed myself a few years ago. Now I'm pretty happy with my wonderful new life, and it's getting better and better. For me personally, PD does work tremendously. :)

Well... if I tried to force myself to do all that every day, all the time, and always, I'd feel some resistance too. Start cool?


If you make to yourself the promise to change for the better, this implies that you're not good now. Which is not nice towards yourself - and it's a negative thinking. So it's not surprising that you slide back down into negativity: you never left it.

Changing Core Beliefs
 

I think a lot of the limitations experienced in LOA is not about thoughts, but about one's core beliefs. When you have limiting core beliefs, your thoughts brush up against those beliefs, and unless there is a resonnance, they are disempowered. It is like you can switch the light on, but if the electricity is turned off . . . nothing.

What do you think? Belle, ;)

Belle, what are beliefs if not thoughts?

It's a chicken and an egg issue. Is it the energy field or our thoughts getting in the way? Our personal energy field is a side effect of the some total of what we are. I tend to agree with you on the points that people try really hard and get nothing because they have set up an energy field in a certain way - even to get in the way to feel what that's like. The energy field is like thought momentum that resonates with predominate thought patterns.
I have started thinking that thoughts just are like breathing. We can only let them occur. You may think we can have will over them but not so much. At best we can choose which ones to reinforce or not. Or push our brain in a direction and see what happens.
Control is what we delude ourselves into thinking we have. We do have some choice though - but not control.
The subconscious is the aura. They are mutually arising phenomenon. The aura is just the subtle electromagnetic emanations of our subconscious. It may also be part of the divine influence on you showing up in the aura. Our fields may actually be a blend of what we have stored as experience with what the master plan is for our lives. In that case the aura is something to get groovy with since it has seeds of the divine for us to resonate with. Then what we can't get is because of this divine influence - that we don't accept what that is (but if not accepting this divine influence is part of the plan or part of what it wants to experience).

That's when allowing and accepting works better. Pushing and striving outside of your current situation and divine path doesn't work. You are not ready to do the things that don't work for divine reasons. It's given to us form source - the master plan. Our part is to see our master plan and revel in it with rapture. Once you feel that, your path becomes what you want. Until then your path is to see what banging your head against a wall feels like.

We fight ourselves for the experience of it. To know what it's like to push for ego's desires and see that difficulty. Until we are ready to move on, then we can have goals that work. And being ready to move on is allowing and accepting what is right now.
Is there really a solution? Personal development is often at odds to spiritual development. Personal development is about desires and wants and making the self better - but is that what the spirit wants? sometimes but not always.

That is so not my experience! :D

I think that is a human tendency, to be resigned about thoughts -- to believe the thoughts you *get* are the thoughts you're stuck with. And that belief is what keeps people at the effect of life, rather than being the cause and the power of their own vitality.

It has nothing to do with control -- it's about dancing!

I'm not sure it's my experience either - just trying that view out. It's the view that we are more designed to go with the flow and have Life come to us and be us than to go against the flow and resist what is and try to tell Life what we think we want.

Being the cause and power of my own vitality works when I am keyed into source and being and awareness. But not when my ego is chasing everything that it thinks will be satisfying. Thoughts are not something I am stuck with - they are side effects of Being and also very habitual. I may be stuck with habits as we all are - but not powerless to decide to not reinforce a habit that doesn't' work anymore (as long as I can have some awareness). And good thing I'm stuck with some habits - or I'd have to relearn how to walk everyday.

I see. I love the process of going with the flow (going downstream), accepting life exactly as it is and exactly as it isn't.

One of the ways I do that is to recognize how my habitual negative thought patterns are actually resistant to that flow -- and that deliberately thinking thoughts that feel good when I think them (downstream thoughts), I am allowing and being the source of flow, at the same time. That's more feeling good. I would rather be flow than resistance, because it feels better.

One of the habitual negative thought patterns that interferes with flow is: resignation. "That's just the way I am. That's just the way the world is." That might sound within the bones of your head like going with the flow, but it's really resignation -- it is resistance to your own astonishing power to feel good.

Does it feel like you actually generate a specific thought? Or is it coming from that deep awareness of Being and peace that because of placing awareness there, the thoughts that the brain generates are of "the more feeling good" nature?

Good point. thanks. One of the oddities of ego desire and divine will. The universe wants us to want. It's probably impossible to not be part of the divine plan - even when you are blocking yourself it is part of what is. Acceptance is a dynamic approach more that sitting around waiting. Easy for me to say as words, concepts.

It's like we have a ship and are the captain. The universe wants us to go somewhere in it and we can either put up our sails and really take off, or sit in the boat and not realize anything is happening (be unconscious). We can put up our sails and have to accept what the wind is doing.

One good way to catch thoughts is to focus on your feelings. Even if your subconscious is running the show, you know what it's doing because of the way that you feel.

I appreciate what you say, M, about not being able to control thoughts because we have so many. It's noticing them that counts. The way I shifted my thought patterns and energy from negative to positive was through noticing how I felt. If I felt low, I'd stop and become aware of what I was thinking. I'd get caught up in those negative thought ruts (I'm sure you know what I mean!), so I'd ask myself "Is this really helping me?" and switch to something positive. Oddly, it works.

I've had some good experiences with TFT but for me it was reprogramming my brain that turned everything around, and pretty much overnight, too. I've met a few people lately I haven't seen in a while and they keep asking me what's happened because I'm so transformed.

J x

To me it feels like: as Joely mentioned, noticing a habitual thought, seeing what it's costing me (like feeling bad, jealous, hurt, resentful, etc.), seeing what it's costing others (like not feeling free around me) and deliberately looking for a thought that will get me going downstream. Sometimes it's a big bold thought, like "I am so wealthy! I'm so grateful that I have the time to type this, and have a delicious muffin in front of me, and to be beginning my coaching business! I am very, very grateful for everything that is supporting me right now." Sometimes it's a much smaller increment of feeling good, like "He's doing the best he can, just like I am."

And maybe what I think of as deliberate thought is the same as what m18pak calls an energy field -- I just got back from a little walk to get my muffin, and a half-dozen people told me how beautiful and happy I look. I think my polka-dot skirt helped. :)

I actually imagine two streams - one positive and one negative - going in opposite directions. When a negative thought pops into my head (and it sometimes does just pop in there, which I suppose might support the theory that we can't control them), I take note of it and realize that I'm in the negative side of the stream (the water is murky and nasty on that side of the stream by the way). Then I visualize myself swimming to the other side and going in other direction (where the water is clear and cool). And I start thinking more positive thoughts. What I've found is that as I recognize the negative thoughts and make the decision to stop thinking about them, the less often they pop into my head. So, maybe while we can't control them, we can at least keep them from reappearing so often.
I will add that it is not an easy or quick process. I used to often get discouraged when the negative thoughts kept appearing. As I've kept on, however, I noticed a difference, which encouraged me to keep going.

I agree, Steve Devane. Feeling good is a practice. The more you practice, the more it becomes part of your nature. The good news is that the practice itself feels good. You don't have to practice now and feel good later.

Although sometimes looking boldly at your inner truth can be a little uncomfortable!

Angela,
That inner truth has often made me more than a little uncomfortable. Here's an example: during my search, one thing I realized is that I've often belittled other people in an effort to make myself look better. Brought me down for a while until I realized that now that I know that I have a tendency to do that, I can stop it. Not easy and not a done deal, but it is an important first step.

The realizing is awareness. It is not you trying to think differently and conjuring up certain kinds of thoughts. The thoughts that try to make you better than some one else, thinking that will produce joy - is an experiment in ego land. If you did not bring awareness to this you could keep doing those habits and feel good about yourself until someone else can't be belittled and you'd have stress.