Irritation on people who are not into personal development

[makessense]

What do you do when you find yourself trying to fix other people's problems. It works for the most part in opening up their minds to different problems and solutions, but what about those people who cannot open their minds? I'm talking about my friends/family here, so I care deeply about them. If they're not into personal development, should I even bother? Should I just tell them about my personal development projects and hopefully they'll catch on? Is it ever alright to offend somebody to get them to realize certain things? I think with some people just 'talking casually' with them doesn't catch their attention, so I know "it depends", but if anyone has any other suggestions, tips, techniques that actually works for you, let me know! Thanks in advance.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

In my opinion it is futile to try to make anyone do anything. A person will not change until and unless they are ready. What has worked for me, and what I think is your best bet, is to let go of the need to have other people "get it" and just let them be who they are (or are not). Live in such a way that your lifestyle becomes magnetic and irresistable and they will eventually notice. They may even ask you what your secret is. When you try to "help" people who don't want your help, it usually just breeds resentment. When you inspire people and shine a light for them with your actions, they are usually much more likely to want to follow you.

As it is, it seems like you think these people are pretty slow, have lots of issues and need to be offended into action -- basically kind of dumb (that's just the impression one could get from reading). Can you see how unappealing it would be if someone felt that way about you? Would it make you want to do what they are doing and be like them? Or would it make you want to toss them off a bridge ?

[Holistic Star]

It sounds harsh, but you cannot fix their problems. I know what you mean as sometimes the solution to someone's problem is so obvious to everyone except for themselves. It is so tempting to rush in and start fixing things for everyone.

I have found though that unsolicited advice is generally ignored. If someone asks you for advice e.g. 'what do you think I should do?' they might listen to what you say. However it is never a good idea to go charging in telling people what they should or shouldn't be doing.

It is sooo hard to step back, but it has to be done. I actually realised I was throwing myself into solving my friends problems because I didn't want to face up to my own. In fact when I took a step back, my friends started doing things off their own back! One friend who poo-pooed the whole LOA a couple of years ago, called me to tell me she has just watched the Secret and manifested a $4k bonus this month.

Have a look at what is irritating you about these people that need personal development, then take a long hard look at where that issue shows up for you in your life. Sometimes the truth is a little closer to home that we find comfortable to admit.
(I'll give you an example, there is someone in my life who is really negative about work which annoys me, but when I look a bit closer she is just voicing my own concerns about my work situation. I need to deal with the negativity in my own life rather than rushing to fix the negativity in hers).

The best way you can help your friends is to be a shining example of personal development. Then a few months down the line they will be asking for your advice about how you lead such a brilliant, fantastic life.

[makessense]

Thank you so much for this advice. It really makessense.

"Live in such a way that your lifestyle becomes magnetic and irresistable and they will eventually notice."

When I read this, I had flashbacks to all the times I followed or achieved something because it was magnetic and irresistable. This explains the general nature of people.

Scenario 1:
I've already caught myself saying something to my brother (age 24) about the foods he eats. He says he wants to live a healthier lifestyle, but 1 or 2 hours later he's eating cake and extremely oily foods.

This happens left and right with other people as well. They say one thing and they do another thing. I think it is this that makes me want to help them because I was also in that position at one point in my life (which btw, thanks for the help in making me realize this). A position where I'd say, "yea, I really want to ***insert action here*** " and then later, I'd go back to my old ways or never do anything about it.

Now, when I say something, I mean it. I know I'm not better than them, but it just makes me want to encourage them that it is possible to fix what they think they can't fix! How can I do this if they don't want to fix themselves?

Now that I think about it, I remember casually talking to my younger brother (age 18) about eating healthy and staying active (about a month ago). I showed him the "30 day trial" article and I said something to the extent of, "well, if you want to improve on one aspect of your life, read this." Then I walked out the room. I give little hints that my personal projects are working (and they are). Ever since then, it looks like he lost about 30 lbs! I always hinted to him before I showed him that article t hat consistency and action gets things done, not thinking about it all day. I implement the 30 day trial on just about everything I want to do and it gets results no matter what the outcome is.

I recently just told him, "if you put enough energy into school as you do into working out and exercising, you could be a genius!" ... he sat there thinking for a second, today I saw him studying and doing his homework for an hour straight (which is extremely rare, haha)! I'm proud of him. I wonder what he can achieve now?

What we say makes a big difference to the people that have full trust us. To the people that don't have full trust in us, going about trying to fix them is not a good solution.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by makessense

What do you do when you find yourself trying to fix other people's problems. It works for the most part in opening up their minds to different problems and solutions, but what about those people who cannot open their minds? I'm talking about my friends/family here, so I care deeply about them. If they're not into personal development, should I even bother? Should I just tell them about my personal development projects and hopefully they'll catch on? Is it ever alright to offend somebody to get them to realize certain things? I think with some people just 'talking casually' with them doesn't catch their attention, so I know "it depends", but if anyone has any other suggestions, tips, techniques that actually works for you, let me know! Thanks in advance.

Being Vegan, I know exactly what you mean.

My only advice is 'Live by Example'

[Perkins]

Communication can fix a majority of barriers between people.

My friend is always searching for answers and unfortunately he never really understands the kind of things that I tell him and thus dismissed everything that I say. When someone is confused, they usually fear looking stupid.

I then came to realized that he has a limited vocabulary. So I had to use a little bit of tact. First simplifying my statements to short sentences and questions. I then began to use his own words to prove points.

An idea can open your mind.

To communicate this idea to other people you need to understand what keywords will accomplish it with out creating confusion. This takes a lot of understanding of the person you are trying to help.

In conclusion I do agree, it is hard to help someone that isn't willing, but not impossible.

[FrancescoBellafante]

Originally Posted by makessense

What do you do when you find yourself trying to fix other people's problems. It works for the most part in opening up their minds to different problems and solutions, but what about those people who cannot open their minds? I'm talking about my friends/family here, so I care deeply about them. If they're not into personal development, should I even bother? Should I just tell them about my personal development projects and hopefully they'll catch on? Is it ever alright to offend somebody to get them to realize certain things? I think with some people just 'talking casually' with them doesn't catch their attention, so I know "it depends", but if anyone has any other suggestions, tips, techniques that actually works for you, let me know! Thanks in advance.

Enroll the person in doing something WITH you. Is there something you might genuinely have to work on in parallel with whatever you see?

[makessense]

Originally Posted by FrancescoBellafante

Enroll the person in doing something WITH you. Is there something you might genuinely have to work on in parallel with whatever you see?

You know, that is a great! idea. I'll definitely keep that in mind with anything I think will be advantageous to my friend or family member. Thank you!

[The David]

Originally Posted by makessense

What do you do when you find yourself trying to fix other people's problems.

I analyze whether my behavior is really a problem or not. I may continue, or I may admit that it's not my responsibility and let them take care of themselves.

It works for the most part in opening up their minds to different problems and solutions, but what about those people who cannot open their minds?

Opening a mind is like opening a can. A can is sealed tightly for security. It's only when you're ready to handle what's inside that you even break the seal on it. When that time comes, well, you can be the can opener. Until then, just try to be the shelf.

I'm talking about my friends/family here, so I care deeply about them. If they're not into personal development, should I even bother? Should I just tell them about my personal development projects and hopefully they'll catch on?

Having Christian fundamentalists for parents, I realize how annoying it can be to see people you care about and just want to change every damned thing about them...because that's probably what they see when they look at me. We still get along because they don't constantly shove their idealogies down my throat. Don't do the same to your family. If they are a burden on you, then bite the bullet and pull away until you are healthier. Either way, accept them as they are.

Is it ever alright to offend somebody to get them to realize certain things?

If someone is in physical danger, I would make an exception. However, if the harm is coming from within themselves, well, it's their right to do whatever damage they want.

I think with some people just 'talking casually' with them doesn't catch their attention, so I know "it depends", but if anyone has any other suggestions, tips, techniques that actually works for you, let me know! Thanks in advance.

Serenity. Accepting things and people as they are, helping where I can, and working on myself are the only things that work for me. 'Personal development', as we like to call it, is a very personal choice, and not an easy one to make. Let yourself off the hook.

[UbonTaz]

I think the only thing you can really do under those circumstances is to lead by example. Don't try to help them in any way. Just live how you do and wait for them to approach you and ask you what is your secret to such a happy and fulfilled life. That way it's their idea.

[CStrunk]

I completely understand where you are coming from.

I have one friend who is overweight, no question about it. She's a great person and intelligent. We, mutual friends and I, have often expressed our concerns for her. She enjoys large meals and her Philly Cheesesteaks. As much as I want to yell, "Damn, Girl! Put that thing down!" I can't. It's her decision what goes into her body and what doesn't. I also brought up vegetarianism in conversation when I first switched a few months ago, and she expressed some interest, which was a good sign! I said it wasn't hard at all and that she should try it with me, and she floundered a bit and said that she'd try it "maybe for a day", but it so happens that she wasn't around at all the next day. The most she's done has been to buy a membership at the university gym, although she hasn't gone yet. The need for change has to come from within.

I used to have a hard time trying to figure out why people wouldn't make small, incremental changes which would help so much in the long run. I guess I just lost faith in most people. For the mean time, I'll continue to grow as a person, and hope that if anyone ever has any questions, they will come and ask me. (Perhaps the law of attraction will work there! I have no clue what the LoA is though. And no desire to learn right now.)

So my advice is to be the sage and let others come to you. Be the authority of personal growth. Life is too short to worry about those who won't change. As many others have said, Lead By Example.

[Power]

Originally Posted by makessense

What do you do when you find yourself trying to fix other people's problems.

I've stopped trying to fix other people's problems I'll provide help and support, but I won't fix it for them.

I'm a strong believer in "no-one can help you, but yourself" attitude. People can only support and do so much for someone, in the end its the person who is willing to change and help themselves that can make the difference.

I've got a friend who's very close minded and always negative. It's been several years now (4 years) that I have been continually providing her the support, advice and point her in the right directions. I will continue to do this but nothing will happen until she puts the effort on her part.

One important thing I realized when we try to help others is that we unconsciously take on the burnden on whoever we are trying to help. This can drain our energy Big Time. I have developed myself to be detached to this negative energy while still providing genuine and sincere support.

[craigharper.com]

You're wasting your time! There's an old saying "When the student is ready the Teacher will come." Trying to 'enlighten' people who 'cannot open their minds' will have the opposite effect and actually drive them away. My advice is to focus on your own personal development journey.

[Kaspian]

Around the time I started my second year of college, I had a couple of roommates who didn't like the boyfriend I had at the time. The more they tried to tell me how bad he was, the more I resisted and avoided them, choosing to spend more time with him instead and attributing their "judgment" to the fact that they were religious and I was not. In December, they both moved out, and then there was nothing to resist. By early January, I realized that the guy was manipulative and had been degrading my self-confidence. I dumped him almost immediately.

Long story short: trying to change people doesn't work. If they're going to change/learn, they'll do it on their own, in their own timeline, on their own terms.

[Jennihul]

It's called PERSONAL development or SELF development for a reason. Hello!?

Meaning it doesn't involve other people. Just you.

Jennifer

[Jamie]

Sometimes, I feel like I hate my family, hmm, too strong, I just hate all the lies and deceptions. EDIT: No, I don't hate my family, and this is just my impatience showing it's ugly head here.

*deep breaths*

[makessense]

Jennihul, did you read the whole thread? We solved the challenge awhile back.

Personal development and self development are the same? Personal development DOES NOT limit itself to self improvement. It is ALL aspects of your personal life. What's personal to you?

Anyways, I don't look at it as *fixing* people anymore, just people who need a good, solid, positive suggestion, so the irritation feeling I had is gone. What do you think of when something needs to be fixed? ... It was broken to begin with. Unless I'm talking about a car or computer, it gives a negative feeling when talking about people's choices, doesn't it? NOTHING in my life needs to be fixed, so there are better ways of dealing with personal challenges. It is much easier to talk to my family when I'm completely calm, especially when I see things as challenges that must be overcome. This gives a great feeling to you and the other person and gets them thinking in other ways. If people I care about are feeling down in certain areas of their life, it's because they feel like the situation is black&white. There are more than 1 or 2 answers to anything, so I'm simply talking WITH them and not AT them now. It's an absolutely fulfilling achievement.