How do I learn to be assertive?

[Shazza]

I really need help! I have a problem with confrontation. Its not that I want to be violent or anything (!) I'd just like to be able to think on my feet and hit back at people who seem to want to put me down at every opportunity. The other night I was at a rugby match when I asked this bloke if he was in the queue for the tickets (he was pretty close- hence the question). He said no, and then added for good measure "does it look like it?" and laughed. Now I thought of a dozen things I could have, should have, would have said to him after, but at the time, I was completely lost for words - which trust me, in a non-confrontational situation is a very unusual thing for me! Why can't I hit back with those fantastic one-liners that make arrogant and rude people squirm as much as their one-liners hurt and embarass me? Why can't I stand up to people who make me feel inadequate and small? Why can't all those things I can easily think about afterwards come to me when I need them most?

Everytime I'm put on the spot about something I'm not really prepared for, I fold and my mind goes completly blank. Am I just a big woos, or a doormat, or too nice, or too shy? My own brother takes pleasure in telling me I have a fat arse,(which people say I don't have) or my hair's a mess, or that my opinons are "screwed up" - and I just laugh, and say nothing - can someone tell me how I can deal with people who actually hurt and embarass me without being a complete bitch- I reall hate to upset people, so prefer humour to angry reposts - so that I can stop looking like I'm the stupid one!!

I really need lessons in assertiveness!!!

[sheffy4]

I have trouble asserting myself sometimes also.

First of all, after that guy said "does it look like it?" I would have said, "Actually, yes, that's why I asked. I didn't want to cut in front of you." After that, I don't imagine he would say anything mean back to you. If he did, I would have just ignored him and let the experience go.

You're not a wuss, I just think you are taken aback by the rudeness of people, which is fine. It would be sad if you always expected people to be rude to you, because you don't deserve that. You deserve kindness.

I know it's hard, but I would just try to speak up next time your brother, or somebody else, puts you down. Since you don't object to the ridicule, how are people supposed to know that it bothers you? And certainly don't LAUGH with them, then you are only encouraging them!
If you want to shut your brother up real fast, just say something shocking the next time he insults you.
Him: You have fat arse!
You: Oh yeah, well you have a small pecker!

[robertanthony]

In the U.K. we have one day assertiveness courses. The best way to learn how to be assertive is to do a one day course were you get to practice the techniques - I have done it myself and it really does make a difference to the quality of your life.

[beautyscientist]

I did once wonder whether you could have a business offering assertiveness training via a phone line. Basically you advertise it at $200 dollars and ask people to ring in to book it. You then haggle with them over the price. If they can beat you down to $100 you could then tell them that they have completed the course successfully.

[smartile]

Shazza,

Cool nickname btw.

In situations like this it's important to remember,

Emotions Rise > Intelligence Drops

If I had to guess, you're most likely reacting to what people are saying about you <as if it is true> . This causes all sorts of emotions to rise and leaves you feeling like an idiot. I can relate.

I think it's important to remember that these people are putting you down because they feel more superior to you when they do this. It's really not about you - it's about them. It's unfortunate really because these people need to put others down in order to feel good about themselves; they can't simply feel good on their own.

My suggestion: When someone makes a comment directed at you, don't take it personally. Remember that their verbal abuse is not about you – it’s about them. I also remind myself by saying quietly to myself, "That comment is about them NOT me".

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

[JesterLittleFool]

Shazza,
Assertiveness can be a tricky thing, I have personally struggled with it also and I still am. The trouble is, mostly in cases as you explain, the come from un-expected people. But as "smartile" explaned in the above reply these attacks generally come because issues that these people have.
For myself, I have taken the phylosophie that "Smartile" is recommending of not taking things personally. Whenever an attack or comment comes at me I try to step back and detach myself from it, not take it personally and get an understanding as to why this person is so miserable.
With that said, I admit this is a challenge. If the comments come from your brother it could be difficult to detach yourself. And I'm not sure retoric sarcasm would help or simply escalate the problem.
Something that I have noticed which helps is writting. I will sit and write down the situation and then go through all the different arguments:
- Why would they say that?
- Why are they attacking me?
- Is it really me or circumstance?
- Are they right? Are there comment true?
- Is what they are saying true?
- How can I change this?
- How do I want to be treated?
By writting arguments for each of these and realizing that the issue is my self confidence and their way of dealing with their happiness, it makes it easier for me to simply speak back without getting emotional or overwhelmed.

Will it work for? Don't know, but it can't hurt to try...

[Marco Polo]

You're definitely not alone, believe me when I say that. I've had similar problems in the past, and on many occasions I'd make up for my lack of confidence with exaggerated aggression. Since then I've learned that being overly confrontational and lashing out at people is actually a sign of weakness. So the first thing to remember is that you don't want to swing to the opposite extreme when you're dealing with this problem.

There are many things I've done (and still do) to improve my assertiveness while keeping it within reasonable boundaries. Here are the main points.

a) realize that it's OK to get angry when you're attacked. Allowing yourself to feel and express anger (in a reasonable way) will clear up that mental blockage you're describing. It's a step up from feeling inferior. You need to make it very clear to the people around you that you don't like to be teased.

b) don't lash out at people. This will only create more problems for you. Instead, channel your anger in such a way that it increases mental clarity. If you can keep calm (and assertive) throughout an entire confrontation, then you've already won.

c) Improve other areas of your life (fitness, diet, lifestyle) by getting into personal development. By creating an all-round confidence in yourself, your ability to handle conflicts as they come at you will improve drastically.

Hope these ideas can be of service.

[Luisa]

I'd highly recommend reading a book called "When I say no, I feel guilty". It should be available from your library. The title is a bit misleading - it's actually about assertiveness, including the practical techniques to use in a confrontational situation. Perhaps not so relevant to situations where people are being rude to you and you just want a sharp comeback - but relevant in situations where someone is trying to screw you over, or make you agree to something, or emotionally manipulate you, etc etc.

[jbsmith]

Being assertive means overcoming fear, uncertainty or low self-esteem in order to do, request or achieve something that you really want.

In the case you describe, if you look deeply enough, what you would really like is to be able to face something like this WITHOUT losing control of your own emotions or your temper. Sort of let it roll right off of you so you can go on with your happy and productive day.

So, what you want to strive for is to separate out your own self-image from what other people may say or express toward you.

When people say nasty things to you, embarass you in front of friends, cut you off in the car...your ability to shrug it off and not internalize it is heavily dependent on how comfortable you are in your own skin.

I have found that yoga and meditation do a great deal to help understand your inner feelings, behavioral responses helping you put any situation - no matter how frustrating, aggravating or tragic into much better perspective so that situations like you describe don't end up ruining your whole day.

Jeff

[seabird]

I have a book, probably out of print, but you could find a used copy. It's called "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense," and it contains a lot of good techniques for dealing with the kind of bullies you describe. One of my favorites involves asking a question that the person can't respond to very easily without looking like an idiot. If someone asks an inappropriate or intrusive question, the answer is "Why do you ask?" If someone is picking a pointless fight, calmly ask, "Why are you so emotionally invested in this issue?" And nothing tames a loud and dumb bully like your guy near the end of the line more than pity. You have to manage a very sincere "Ah, poor guy - you must have had a *really* bad day!" but make sure your voice does not contain even the barest hint of sarcasm. It takes them aback and shuts them up every time.

[seabird]

Oh yeah, and the book also says your response to your brother should be, "Why are you so interested in my arse?"

[Jarrod]

I agree somewhat with jbsmith.

The reason you can't be assertive is the same reason that you feel hurt by the comments aimed at you.

When you can see the hurt inside yourself then you will realise it is not you and can let it go.

When you really see the hurt inside yourself you will not want to create it in another person.

Once you have practiced watching and learning then you will be able to be assertive whenever it is really necessary.

[missmaria73]

Originally Posted by smartile

Shazza,

Cool nickname btw.

In situations like this it's important to remember,

Emotions Rise > Intelligence Drops

If I had to guess, you're most likely reacting to what people are saying about you <as if it is true> . This causes all sorts of emotions to rise and leaves you feeling like an idiot. I can relate.

I think it's important to remember that these people are putting you down because they feel more superior to you when they do this. It's really not about you - it's about them. It's unfortunate really because these people need to put others down in order to feel good about themselves; they can't simply feel good on their own.

My suggestion: When someone makes a comment directed at you, don't take it personally. Remember that their verbal abuse is not about you – it’s about them. I also remind myself by saying quietly to myself, "That comment is about them NOT me".

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

Bravo! Well said my friend.