Changing Values - Help Please!

[Dreamlife Hero]

Hi everyone,

I have realised that I have some conflicting values and wanted to change them.

For example; my #1 Value is Freedom, my #2 Value is Love and my #3 Value is Financial Success.

I've only recently considered this and I can now see how this has caused more than a few challenges in my life.

Anyway, I've decided on my new Values, which are more congruent and non-conflicted.

But the question is this: How do I condition my new Values so they become 'real'?

I mean, my existing values are so strong and automatic that I often can only see what's happened after the event.

Although I try to live 'on purpose' it's pretty clear that many things I've done have been decided unconsciously; based on my Values.

Where do Values come from anyway? What causes ones Values to form in a certain hierarchy?

And can we change them just by writing the list in a different order or adding and/ or taking away a certain Value?

I would really appreciate any help from any of you smart people.


Thanks, DLH

[bravebluemice]

Although I try to live 'on purpose' it's pretty clear that many things I've done have been decided unconsciously; based on my Values.

This right here is the crux of the whole thing. You've already taken the first step, and identified the problem, and rewritten it. Now you've got to take the second step.

It's not enough that you live 'on purpose,' more that you 'live consciously;' that is, live with consciousness concentrated on the moment.

When I quit smoking, I had a hard habit to overcome; the reaction to grab a quick puff was automatic and unconscious. It was only after I raised my awareness to the point where each cigarette was a conscious decision, could I make the right choice. Now that the right choice has been made with enough consistency, a new unconscious mechanism formed in its place.

With lifetime values, if it really is important that Love be higher than Freedom, and you've spent a lifetime working it the other way 'round, then next time you are confronted with a choice between Freedom and Love, consciously select Love. After a number of successful choices, the new value will be as automatic as the old.

That's what Steve refers to at the end of each Podcast when he signs off "Live Consciously."

Good Luck,
~BraveBlueMice

[Brutha]

And can we change them just by writing the list in a different order or adding and/ or taking away a certain Value?

It has to make 'click' in your head to change values. That something that needs action on a consitent basis.

What do you think are your old values?
Why do you think that your new values are better?

[astra]

Originally Posted by Dreamlife Hero

Hi everyone,

I have realised that I have some conflicting values and wanted to change them.

For example; my #1 Value is Freedom, my #2 Value is Love and my #3 Value is Financial Success.

How does having these values in this order cause conflict in your life? I ask because I also value these things (although not necessarily in that order, and I haven't gone to the extent of listing my values like this myself) and I don't find conflicts between the three exist for me. I value my relationship and we are very close, we even live together, but i don't feel this is impacting on my freedom to live as I choose, or my financial success.

Perhaps some examples would make it a bit clearer what you are referring to. I'd also be interested to hear what you would like to change your values to.

[Dreamlife Hero]

Thanks for your comments guys.

bravebluemice: Your idea of making conscious choices makes sense. And, hopefully, eventually the new Value should become automatic. Someone once said that 'we are what we consistently do'. (can't remember who)

Brutha: Yes, taking consistent action to reinforce the new behaviour is probably the key. Thanks.

astra: Thanks for your question; let me clarify a little:


I would say it's about interpretation of the Value. I mean Freedom means liberty, freedom of choice, freedom of speech etc.. but when I say Freedom I mean 'free to do what I want, when I want'.. I resist any attempt to control my freedom. Many people would define this as selfishness! I think it may have come about because my mother is a bit of an unhappy martyr who restricts her own life to serve others. (??) And I've gone the other way!

Luckily, because my #2 Value is Love, it generally means that I am a good, compassionate person and not a complete self-serving hedonist!

However, the problem I've discovered is that my obsession with doing what I want has caused a yo-yo affect with romantic relationships... I want to be with someone, but as soon as things get too close..I want my freedom..as soon as I have my freedom..I want Love..etc.

Also, with Financial success..I become very driven to be successful but then yearn for the freedom to do what I want instead of working so darn hard!!

Anyway: here's my new list of Values. (Might be fine-tuned later) :


#1 HEALTH, happiness, balance, harmony.

#2 LOVE; romantic, family, friends, universal compassion

#3 LIFE PURPOSE / Contribution/ Dharma; outward flow of energy, service to others, Lightworker.

#4 SPIRITUALITY/ Consciousness; one-ness, source, energy, flow, peace, joy, bliss, purity, simplicity etc...

#5 SELF-KNOWLEDGE / Self-Mastery / Personal Development; knowlege, skills, capability, independence, usefulness, growth etc...

#6 MATERIAL and FINANCIAL SUCCESS, money, status, toys, accomplishments, fun, experiences etc..


Basically a change from selfish inwardness to balance and contribution outwardly.

Thanks for your advice and if anyone has any futher comments or insights please let me know.


DLH

[Freelancer]

I would say it's about interpretation of the Value. I mean Freedom means liberty, freedom of choice, freedom of speech etc.. but when I say Freedom I mean 'free to do what I want, when I want'.. I resist any attempt to control my freedom. Many people would define this as selfishness! I think it may have come about because my mother is a bit of an unhappy martyr who restricts her own life to serve others. (??) And I've gone the other way!

Luckily, because my #2 Value is Love, it generally means that I am a good, compassionate person and not a complete self-serving hedonist!

However, the problem I've discovered is that my obsession with doing what I want has caused a yo-yo affect with romantic relationships... I want to be with someone, but as soon as things get too close..I want my freedom..as soon as I have my freedom..I want Love..etc.

Also, with Financial success..I become very driven to be successful but then yearn for the freedom to do what I want instead of working so darn hard!!

You do realize that you have freedom in choosing for Financial success and freedom in choosing a relationship?
If you make this choice consciously and you know where each path will take you then there shouldn't be a problem.

Perhaps the problem isn't so much your value's but the way you assign your value's, the beliefs that surround them basically.


I speak from my own experience by the way, I have a very similar (in fact I'd wager to say identical) longing for freedom with a ugh identical mother (always smothering us in motherly love, not necesarrily a good thing at all times) so I have an idea where your coming from.

Personally I found that freedom I longed for inside of myself, you know being awareness your always free yet your body/mind can be 'captured' with something.

#1 HEALTH, happiness, balance, harmony.

#2 LOVE; romantic, family, friends, universal compassion

#3 LIFE PURPOSE / Contribution/ Dharma; outward flow of energy, service to others, Lightworker.

#4 SPIRITUALITY/ Consciousness; one-ness, source, energy, flow, peace, joy, bliss, purity, simplicity etc...

#5 SELF-KNOWLEDGE / Self-Mastery / Personal Development; knowlege, skills, capability, independence, usefulness, growth etc...

#6 MATERIAL and FINANCIAL SUCCESS, money, status, toys, accomplishments, fun, experiences etc..


Basically a change from selfish inwardness to balance and contribution outwardly.

Thanks for your advice and if anyone has any futher comments or insights please let me know.

Excellent list, be carefull though that you don't change because somebody tells you its selfish to be free or because these are the 'right' values to have.

[Tim Brownson]

Man I almost left this because it's so complicated!

Some people think it is possible to change values although I'm not convinced. The fact is your values are what they are and for good reason. Most people that ask me to help with changing values simply don't understand what there's are in the first place. Almost by definition if you want to change values then they aren't your values because we hold onto values for grim death most of the time. Maybe you're confusing beliefs and capabilities with values??

Have you ever done a proper value elicitation? If you haven't, you could well have them out of kilter.

I'm close to finishing a free e-book that goes into more detail on beliefs and values with instruction on how to do an elicitation. I'll post here when it's finished.

In the meantime you could check out this.

[Dreamlife Hero]

Thanks for your reply Tim,

You're right, it is confusing.

It seems to me that Values, Identity, Beliefs, Habits, Conditioning (and no doubt others) add up to who we are and what we do. Human behaviour is complex and unfathomable.

It's tempting to think that we can change our results by changing our core Values or Beliefs. Some people believe that simply by 'forcing yourself' to act in a certain way (for 30 days usually) will change the neural pathways in your mind and then the behaviour will become automatic.

Steve (and Tony Robbins) clearly think that Values and Beliefs can be changed at will - with a little effort and planning.

I don't know.

I did do several Values elicitation tests online and the results were consistent with what I'd already suspected: Freedom, Love, Success..in that order.

Originally Posted by Tim Brownson:
Almost by definition if you want to change values then they aren't your values because we hold onto values for grim death most of the time.

Are you saying that my Values are fixed and that it would be better to approach things from a different angle?

I'm gonna give this a little more thought, and then I might do one of the 'Steve Pavlina patented 30 day trials' and post the results here. (To determine if a person can dramatically change their Values system/ behaviour/ results)

Thanks for your comments and advice everyone.


DLH

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Dreamlife, I agree with Freelancer (go figure ). At least my perception of what he's saying. You can generate freedom within yourself and share it with everyone around you. You can be free within a 9-5 job, free within a relationship, free in a prison cell.

When you think about the values and qualities you want to have, think about how you can create them yourself. They are less about your circumstances and more about you -- what's inside you that ends up flowing out all around.

I am guessing you have already read Steve's articles on values?

http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles...r-values-1.htm
http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles...r-values-2.htm

and tried something like this

[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Dreamlife, I agree with Freelancer (go figure ). At least my perception of what he's saying. You can generate freedom within yourself and share it with everyone around you. You can be free within a 9-5 job, free within a relationship, free in a prison cell.

When you think about the values and qualities you want to have, think about how you can create them yourself. They are less about your circumstances and more about you -- what's inside you that ends up flowing out all around.

I am guessing you have already read Steve's articles on values?

http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles...r-values-1.htm
http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles...r-values-2.htm

and tried something like this

Whey we agree on some grounds. *cue miracle music*

Yeah thats pretty much what I'm talking about.

Really need to work on reviewing what I write. I'm getting the idea that sometimes its not entirely clear...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Freelancer

I'm getting the idea that sometimes its not entirely clear...

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong...cus you know I can do that sometimes . The "at least my perception" was a disclaimer .

[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong...cus you know I can do that sometimes . The "at least my perception" was a disclaimer .

haha alright then.

Still its a worthy goal to be more clear.


You know this is such a great emoticon, loving it. Constantly have to hold myself back so that I don't spam everywhere lol.

[Tayrak]

but when I say Freedom I mean 'free to do what I want, when I want'.. I resist any attempt to control my freedom. Many people would define this as selfishness

How about defining it as immaturity? Hold up before skinning me. You believe this is wrong or it wouldn't be in question, yet you resist letting go of it--not lived long enough yet. We all know, despite everything we read and desperately hope for, that sometimes we just got to do it. Some of us can plod through it, others get 'er done and out of the way, and others resist with every fiber of our beings.

Realize there are things in our lives that we simply must do, learn to do them without resentment. Do the things you like, love to do, without guilt. What someone else does is of little importance, if they enjoy being a martyr more power to them, you don't have to. you are not your mom, or your dad, or me either. Be you.

"I want to be with someone, but as soon as things get too close..I want my freedom..as soon as I have my freedom..I want Love..etc."

Love is freedom. If you are feeling caged it's probably not love. A partner frees you and you free them. You balance each other. They are not your jailor or your boss. You are filled with joy at the sight of them. If you're hit with a wave of dread, run to the nearest exit. You're lonely, understandable, get a dog, or a cat. Figure out the difference between I don't want to be alone and I want to be with this person.

'Also, with Financial success..I become very driven to be successful but then yearn for the freedom to do what I want instead of working so darn hard!! "

There is something to be said for doing a job that inspires you. I can think of a few jobs that would pay a lot of money. Some I can discard right away, way over my head. Others I'm really not interested in. I'm left with 'this could turn into something and i like it'. That's what I would go for.

When you choose a career don't look at it from a $ view point. What do you like to do? What can you do? I can aspire to be a famous painter, unfortunately I can't paint to save my life. I could learn, but by the time I put all the theory into practice that's all that would be left, the heart would be wrung right out of it.

You know yourself and what you can stick with, you can likely make a good living at just about anything if you are willing to put in the time and effort. Choose something that appeals to you.

Changing yourself would seem like a major overhaul, way too big to even think of tackling. Changing your mindset is minor. You want to change because of what?? That's the question you want to answer and answer it for yourself. What Joe has done or will do is of little importance, why he's done it is even less important to you, you would likely be shocked or disappointed anyway. You're concerned with you, if you're changing because of you you'll make it. If you're changing 'cause joeneighbour thinks you should you're doomed to failure.

Take care of yourself first, then save the guy beside you. That's not selfishness, that's maturity.

[Dreamlife Hero]

Hi, I did read Steve's articles on Values and I also tried the Wagoner site (which I didn't find too helpful).

The problem is that we all value lots of things. Consistency, Love, Boldness, (Baldness? ), Integrity, Family etc etc.. the list goes on forever. I don't think those sort of tests are very useful because it's like: would you rather be sociable or experience private contemplation?...both really, depends on my mood, circumstances etc. Would you rather spend time with family or with your partner? At the gym or playing golf?

I know I'm intrinsically free... but I don't feel free when I'm obliged to do something.

I would not feel free in a 9-5 job, in prison or even in a restrictive relationship.. because my definition of Freedom is: Doing what I want, when I want! If I want to sit in a park and read, or play pool in a bar with a friend..then I can't do those things if I'm being prevented.

You might guess but going to prison is my #1 moving away value; nothing fills me with greater terror than the prospect of being imprisoned and having zero autonomy.

But, obviously this value has caused a few problems including broken relationships. That's why I'd like to change that particular 'Value'.

The question really is: Is it possible to change what has basically been a way of life?

I would really like to think so, otherwise personal development is merely tweaking; honing skills, gaining a bit of efficiency, upping your income, better time-management, quitting coffee and getting up earlier!

Perhaps we are what we are. Perhaps people like Steve Pavlina and Tony Robbins just are successful and always had the right mix of characteristics to succeed; ie determination, persistence, work ethic, desire, well-alligned values, beliefs, etc. ?

I would really love to make a quantum leap of change...I'm just not sure what's the best approach.

I would appreciate any help with this...and then once I've done it I will be able to help others in a similar position.

Anyway, thanks for listening,


DLH

ps. Just read your comments Tayrak before posting this and I agree; call it immaturity or selfishness, either way it's an undesirable trait which I'm determined to get rid of.
Thanks for your input.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Dreamlife Hero

I know I'm intrinsically free... but I don't feel free when I'm obliged to do something.

I would not feel free in a 9-5 job, in prison or even in a restrictive relationship.. because my definition of Freedom is: Doing what I want, when I want! If I want to sit in a park and read, or play pool in a bar with a friend..then I can't do those things if I'm being prevented.

You might guess but going to prison is my #1 moving away value; nothing fills me with greater terror than the prospect of being imprisoned and having zero autonomy.

But, obviously this value has caused a few problems including broken relationships. That's why I'd like to change that particular 'Value'.

To me it sounds like the belief that you aren't free when you are obliged to do something is not a very empowering belief.

I feel like I get what you are saying about how you wouldn't feel free in those listed situations, but that's a choice. You chose to feel that being in any one of those situations is restrictive of your freedom. Now, I am not saying you are supposed to be in any of them at all, but if you want a relationship, I think you will need a more empowering belief about the nature of relationships.

I may be just giving you more things you've already looked at, but here are a couple of articles by Steve that may help:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ering-beliefs/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ering-beliefs/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ctive-beliefs/

[Dreamlife Hero]

Thanks for the great links ATC. I had read them before, but it was good to read them again - Steve's articulation is always motivating.

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}: To me it sounds like the belief that you aren't free when you are obliged to do something is not a very empowering belief.

You're absolutely right. But even though I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent I've only recently become aware of this.

I would also like to clarify that this isn't a clear behaviour ie I don't want to go to the pub and play pool and my girlfriend won't let me, so we split up...it's a lot more subtle than that. I can observe in other people their mysterious behaviour which makes them do things which run counter to their 'supposed' goals. Self-sabotage etc!

But everyone's comments have helped a lot, so thank you all.


DLH

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I really do see what you are talking about and the subtle constrictions that aren't even spoken in some relationships. But I also believe those can be overcome. Wish I knew exactly how, but recognizing them is a good start.

[Tim Brownson]

DH, I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if I duplicate.

I'm certainly not saying values are fixed, not at all. You may have a number 1 value of freedom and a number six value of health. If you then get diagnosed with a serious disease it's likely that health will rapidly increase in importance to you. Beliefs canand do change all the time and they are much simpler to play about with but let's stick to values.

If you value freedom it's because it's important to you, so that begs the question why would you want to change that? The simple act of wanting to move a value probably means it's already a priority to you and more important than you realise.

I think you may be confusing what your values are, with actually living to your values and that is something completely different. It sounds like you may have a value conflict which are very common. Aligning your values with your life takes a bit of work but can be done.

I'm going to check out SP's take on values later so thanks for the links ATC.

One final thing to be aware of. We also have away from values and very often it is when a toward and an away from value clash that the problems arise.

[astra]

Hi,

Thanks for answering those questions, it makes sense a bit more now. I do agree with what others are saying about values not generally being something you can change etc, but I won't bother repeating that.

If your freedom is so important to you, what makes you think that you can give that up? You may succeed in supressing the urge for freedom, but you're essentially caging yourself. You define freedom as 'being able to do what I want, when I want'. There's 2 things I'd like to point out with this. The first one is to do with the love value - If you're in a loving relationship, and you decide you need to go sit on a park bench and read (to steal your example) do you really want to be with someone who wouldn't let you do something so simple? I doubt many people would. Secondly, I don't think the problem in the situations you've described are coming from your values. IMHO, the problem is stemming from the manifestations of the values.

Think of it this way - if you met the perfect woman for you, what you want to do might be to spend time with this woman, instead of reading on a park bench. And if she is the perfect woman for you, she would understand if you did want to do that occassionally anyway. Same thing goes for financial success. If you're not happy with the way you're earning your money, it's not necessarily the wrong value, it could just be the wrong job. It sounds to me like you'd be better off starting your own business doing something you love. It gives you freedom and financial success (hopefully).

I'm not trying to change your mind about changing your values, just trying to point out a different perspective that you might not have considered. Like others have said, changing values isn't the easiest thing to do. But if you do decide that your new values are more important, and try to make the change, I wish you all the best. Let us know how you do.